Need advise or help with relationship (Full Version)

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ProudMother -> Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 10:21:50 AM)

I've been seeing this guy since February of last year. I am a single mom and trying to balance my relationship and motherhood. We live about 40 miles from each other so he does most of the driving to spend time with me because of my situation. And every other weekend, I drive to his place. He claims I am his soul mate. I love him very much and been through a lot with him. We haven't been able to do much due to the fact that he has had 5 stints put in and he just had Hernia surgery. We've had to deal with a hernia for about 5 months before the doctors could repair it. Well he claims he loves me and after 5 months into the relationship, he said he wanted to marry me. We even went to the extent of making a Covenant of marriage to each other. But he gets anxious or excited and likes to talk a lot. In any case, he was anxious to get an engagement ring for me and had me choice from 5 style rings. He had the ring custom made and supposedly made a trip to NY in November to get it. Of course, I can't prove it for we were broke up at that time for one stupid reason or another and of course we matured and reconciled. I would love to believe him and they say you should trust your loved one, but a lot of things that he says hasn't materialized. I would so much like to verify his information with other people but I don't want him or his family/ friends to think I question him. In any case, what type of person buys an engagement ring and says they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you, but seem to have a problem presenting their token of love. Not only that, he has told me 4 different times that he is going to present me with the engagement ring, but we always have a heated discussion sometime around that time period. The last time he told me he was going to give me the ring was in April. Well we are in May now and still no ring. Do you think I am being played like a puppet? Oh yea, I forgot to inform you that he is a 48 year old and retired. I have another question about the Covenant we made. Since we made a Covenant to each other but we don't live with each other, if we had a heated discussion and didn't speak to each other over a lengthy period of time because we are both hard headed and one of our birthdays or special occasion arises, would you expect something from that loved one whether it be just a phone call? By the way, I just want to add that I have never been in a situation like this before. I've never heard of the guy announcing when he is going to present an engagement ring. I always thought it was suppose to be a surprise. And being that he talks a lot, makes me question his honesty. This still doesn't change my love for him. Any insights are welcome at this time. Thanks ahead of time for your thoughts.



crh737 -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 12:53:47 PM)

I see a lot of red flags in your post.

I believe maybe you should take a break from the relationship and focus on your child and God.

I am no doctor, but his behavior almost sounds like he has more than just medical/physical issues.

It sounds like he is using the engagement ring as a manipulating tool.

Just be cautious and I will pray for you
CRH



NotDoneYet -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 1:07:12 PM)

I'm thinking this guy is stringing you along...time to ditch him and move on.
What is "Covenant Marriage"? It sounds like some made-up deal to allow you 2 to enjoy the benefits of a physical relationship without any real follow through in the legal realm.

I'm thinking it's time to move on down the road. Find someone genuine. Don't be desperate to find some guy just because you're a single mom...

NDY



DustyLady -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 4:44:19 PM)

I'd like to present a different viewpoint here. I once had a boyfriend who proposed marriage to me very early in our relationship, and I put him off by saying that we didn't know each other well enough yet. Well, several months later, I brought up the subject again and we agreed to marry. He gave me an engagement ring as a Christmas present. However, our relationship ended badly very soon after that.

It seemed that the vague thought of being married to me was very exciting to this man, and he had this romantic ideal that everything would be perfect afterward. However, he was in his late 40s (never married). As much as the thought of "getting married" appealed to the romantic in him, the thought of "being married" scared the dickens out of him. He just couldn't handle it.

Has your boyfriend ever been married before? I suspect that one of a couple of things may be going on here. Either he is like my former boyfriend, in that (1) he's in love with the idea of proposing marriage more than he is with the idea of living as man and wife with you, (2) he's hung up on this romantic ideal of the perfect marriage proposal, and if it's not just right, then he can't go through with it, or (3) he's having cold feet about the whole thing and is using this as an excuse to back out of the arrangement.

Either way, I'm not sure he's as ready for marriage as he claims. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about it.

Dusty



deermousie -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 6:25:22 PM)

Major red flags here. This guy sounds like he likes to make promises, but keeping them aren't as much fun. Personally, I'd run from a person who things adult issues are joke time. Imagine being married to someone who isn't big on keeping promises, but likes making them anyway (and holding you hostage to expectations that never materialize). It's a crazy maker.

You have a child that doesn't need to lose half (or more) of you to someone else.

Trust is something that is earned, not just expected. I'd check up on this guy with no apologies, and if he's found false on even one thing, he could be false on anything or everything. People either are truthful or liars as a habit. Put this guy under the microscope today before you commit yourself and your child to his care.

If he is found false, then it's easier to grieve the loss of a relationship that was never going to work for a year, than to grieve the loss of your sanity for the rest of your life. Be strong, dear one.



Sadey -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 6:54:19 PM)

What do you mean that because of his stints and hernia you can't do much?
I'm hoping it doesn't mean what I think it means.



agapetos -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/4/2008 7:21:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

What do you mean that because of his stints and hernia you can't do much?
I'm hoping it doesn't mean what I think it means.

I did wonder about that myself... but then the op doesn't say whether they're Christians or not...

You (op) said that he was 48 and retired ~ that's pretty young to be retired isn't it? Other than drive down to see you, what does he do with all his time? I wonder how old you are ~ and how old your children are? What do they think of him? What does he think of them.

My former pastor and his wife started to talk about marriage within 1 week of starting to date, though they knew each other before they dated. I know a couple who married in under a year after he lost his first wife (she died of cancer). Both couples are incredibly stable and happy.

quote:

Since we made a Covenant to each other but we don't live with each other, if we had a heated discussion and didn't speak to each other over a lengthy period of time because we are both hard headed and one of our birthdays or special occasion arises, would you expect something from that loved one whether it be just a phone call?
Would you call someone or given them something?

You say you love this man, but you don't seem to trust him. You need to figure out what you want to do about that, because you can't think of marrying him if you don't trust him



ProudMother -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/6/2008 8:24:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NotDoneYet

I'm thinking this guy is stringing you along...time to ditch him and move on.
What is "Covenant Marriage"? It sounds like some made-up deal to allow you 2 to enjoy the benefits of a physical relationship without any real follow through in the legal realm.

I'm thinking it's time to move on down the road. Find someone genuine. Don't be desperate to find some guy just because you're a single mom...

NDY


I was thinking the same thing about the Covenant, but why would he introduce me to his family. We even spent the Holidays together with both sides the family. Our interpretation of a Covenant Marriage is basically the same as having a monogamous relationship. We both agreed that we would be espoused to each other for the rest of our lives. But we may have done this vow prematurely in the relationship. He insisted on doing this I suppose as insurance that I wouldn't screw around on him being we are living under separate roofs. But being Christians we would be sinning if we hae an intimate relationship without the Covenant and if we don't follow through with marriage we are definitely in the wrong.


quote:

ORIGINAL: crh737

I see a lot of red flags in your post.

I believe maybe you should take a break from the relationship and focus on your child and God.

I am no doctor, but his behavior almost sounds like he has more than just medical/physical issues.

It sounds like he is using the engagement ring as a manipulating tool.

Just be cautious and I will pray for you
CRH


I wondered about that point of view too. In fact at one point in time, I accused him of being a narcissist, but he isn't self-centered. He just wants to be loved, needed, and shown attention. He does have a consious and he actually shows interest in my concerns.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DustyLady

I'd like to present a different viewpoint here. I once had a boyfriend who proposed marriage to me very early in our relationship, and I put him off by saying that we didn't know each other well enough yet. Well, several months later, I brought up the subject again and we agreed to marry. He gave me an engagement ring as a Christmas present. However, our relationship ended badly very soon after that.

It seemed that the vague thought of being married to me was very exciting to this man, and he had this romantic ideal that everything would be perfect afterward. However, he was in his late 40s (never married). As much as the thought of "getting married" appealed to the romantic in him, the thought of "being married" scared the dickens out of him. He just couldn't handle it.

Has your boyfriend ever been married before? I suspect that one of a couple of things may be going on here. Either he is like my former boyfriend, in that (1) he's in love with the idea of proposing marriage more than he is with the idea of living as man and wife with you, (2) he's hung up on this romantic ideal of the perfect marriage proposal, and if it's not just right, then he can't go through with it, or (3) he's having cold feet about the whole thing and is using this as an excuse to back out of the arrangement.

Either way, I'm not sure he's as ready for marriage as he claims. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about it.

Dusty



Dusty I'm so sorry to hear about your past experiences. I'm sure it made a better and stronger person out of you. My boyfriend said he's been married before for 12 years. And he was previously engaged for 6 to 7 years. I suppose he was being careful with his second fiancee that he didn't want to make a second mistake so thus the long engagement.


quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

Major red flags here. This guy sounds like he likes to make promises, but keeping them aren't as much fun. Personally, I'd run from a person who things adult issues are joke time. Imagine being married to someone who isn't big on keeping promises, but likes making them anyway (and holding you hostage to expectations that never materialize). It's a crazy maker.

You have a child that doesn't need to lose half (or more) of you to someone else.

Trust is something that is earned, not just expected. I'd check up on this guy with no apologies, and if he's found false on even one thing, he could be false on anything or everything. People either are truthful or liars as a habit. Put this guy under the microscope today before you commit yourself and your child to his care.

If he is found false, then it's easier to grieve the loss of a relationship that was never going to work for a year, than to grieve the loss of your sanity for the rest of your life. Be strong, dear one.


Deermousie you made several valid points which I really need to ponder over. Particularly when my decision effects my child also. Thank you.


quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

What do you mean that because of his stints and hernia you can't do much?
I'm hoping it doesn't mean what I think it means.

I did wonder about that myself... but then the op doesn't say whether they're Christians or not...

You (op) said that he was 48 and retired ~ that's pretty young to be retired isn't it? Other than drive down to see you, what does he do with all his time? I wonder how old you are ~ and how old your children are? What do they think of him? What does he think of them.

My former pastor and his wife started to talk about marriage within 1 week of starting to date, though they knew each other before they dated. I know a couple who married in under a year after he lost his first wife (she died of cancer). Both couples are incredibly stable and happy.

quote:

Since we made a Covenant to each other but we don't live with each other, if we had a heated discussion and didn't speak to each other over a lengthy period of time because we are both hard headed and one of our birthdays or special occasion arises, would you expect something from that loved one whether it be just a phone call?
Would you call someone or given them something?

You say you love this man, but you don't seem to trust him. You need to figure out what you want to do about that, because you can't think of marrying him if you don't trust him



Sadey and Agapetos, I apologize for not being clearer in my post. Being he had physical ailments, it kept us from enjoying the pleasures of the outdoors or anything else in that manner. The hernia was so bad that he could barely stand up without it protruding from his abdomen. It put him in excruciating pain. BTW, we are both Christians. I am 41 years old and my child is 7. They get along fine. He is an Evangelist. Since he retired he volunteers at local rescue missions. That is why this whole situation confuses me. Maybe I'm just confused because I'm not understanding all the factors involved and I need to learn to have patience.

I thank you all for your opinions and remarks. Please keep me in your prayers.



agapetos -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/6/2008 8:42:39 PM)

Thanks for the explanation!

Going back to your op you said

quote:

Since we made a Covenant to each other but we don't live with each other, if we had a heated discussion and didn't speak to each other over a lengthy period of time because we are both hard headed
If you were married and had a heated discussion, what you do? Remain hard-headed or figure some way of sorting the issue out? You should be doing that before you marry this man.

quote:

I need to learn to have patience.
Or deal with being hard headed? Not just you but him to if he's the same.

You need to sit down and talk with him about the problems you're having in the relationship ~ with no expectations of getting engaged or anything, just talk.



ProudMother -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/6/2008 9:23:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

Thanks for the explanation!

Going back to your op you said

quote:

Since we made a Covenant to each other but we don't live with each other, if we had a heated discussion and didn't speak to each other over a lengthy period of time because we are both hard headed
If you were married and had a heated discussion, what you do? Remain hard-headed or figure some way of sorting the issue out? You should be doing that before you marry this man.

quote:

I need to learn to have patience.
Or deal with being hard headed? Not just you but him to if he's the same.

You need to sit down and talk with him about the problems you're having in the relationship ~ with no expectations of getting engaged or anything, just talk.


You know what is funny, I left him a VM asking him the same question of if we were legally married would he neglect to give me the time of day when my birthday came around and we were mad with each other. He hasn't responded yet. But I would figure some way of sorting the issue out. I'm usually the one that compromises.

To answer your previous question
quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

quote:

Since we made a Covenant to each other but we don't live with each other, if we had a heated discussion and didn't speak to each other over a lengthy period of time because we are both hard headed and one of our birthdays or special occasion arises, would you expect something from that loved one whether it be just a phone call?
Would you call someone or given them something?


Yes I would call him for his birthday. Even though we have differences of opinion doesn't mean I shouldn't recognize his existence. Since he came into my life, he has made an impact in my life as well as my daughters. And for that I am grateful for him. In some ways, I just think differently than most. We just need to work out our quirks and have a talk like you said without any expectations of getting engaged. I need to just learn to let life flow accordingly. Thanks for the wonderful insight.



still4gvn -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/6/2008 9:36:13 PM)

OK, I'm a dumb blond and maybe misunderstood about the covenant thing. Are you having sex with him? A private 'covenant' does not make that right. It's like, you really aren't allowed to lie just because your fingers are crossed. For all you know, this guy is legally married to someone else (happens all the time).

Perhaps you feel you HAVE to marry him now because of the 'covenant'. A better plan might be to confess this mess to God and start over the right way: check him out, no sex or private agreements before marriage.

Do a backround search on the net. Attend some of those meetings where he's an evangelist. Does he actually work for a church or attend one? Have you both met with the elders where you attend and where he attends?

By the way, a lot of Christian drug programs let you participate in street evangelism as soon as you are off drugs. I'm not criticizing that, but it's good to know if someone has a drug history and how long they've been sober.



Focusing -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/7/2008 8:14:27 AM)

It's time to move on, as others have said.

If you two were "on a break" why would that be the time he would go to NY to buy you a special custom made engagement ring? That doesn't make any sense. What is this "covenant"? To me, it sounds like he got a commitment from you to him ... but he is clearly not making a commitment back to you. He's blowing you off on your birthday? If he loved you, truly cared about you, that wouldn't happen. There are too many fights and break ups going on ... that's a bad sign.

There are red flags everywhere ... you need to guard your heart.

Your responsibility as a single mother, above getting into a relationship, is to your child. God first, then your child.



Sadey -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/8/2008 8:08:33 AM)

Well I feel for you but you know there are some pretty nutty Christiians out there and you may have found one.

Don't you think a loving relationship should be a little easier than this?
Your child has to come first and do you want someone like him parenting your child?

I don't understand the covenant thing.



agapetos -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/8/2008 5:18:10 PM)

quote:

But being Christians we would be sinning if we hae an intimate relationship without the Covenant and if we don't follow through with marriage we are definitely in the wrong.
I missed this yesterday. Covenant or not, if you had an intimate relationship with someone outside of marriage, you are sinning, regardless of whether you go on to marry them or not.



crh737 -> RE: Need advise or help with relationship (5/8/2008 7:41:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProudMother
This still doesn't change my love for him. Any insights are welcome at this time.


Do you love him or do you love the idea of love? Just a thought [&:]

I married a man similar to this, who everytime he bought me something, had and I mean had to tell me the cost! Talked alot and later learned after I married him that his family considered him the family politician.
His family will not tell you the truth, maybe after the divorce they will.

I believe you need to seperate from this guy and spend some alone time with God before you consider anything long term.

My ex turned out to be a pharmaceutical drug addict and it took 8 months to get him off the pills! Only later to learn the dr who got him off the pills started prescribing them to him again, not to mention the other 3 drs involved.
And actually he got his prayers answered, He died with a basket full of pills, that the drs sent him home with.
3 yrs after we divorced, he was dx with drug associated lupus (there are 2 kinds 1 that is high among women known as le and then the drug induced I believe is sle. It's been a while I could have it reversed.)
Anyhow he got his reward......
Yes he talked alot, I use to tell him he missed his calling, TALK RADIO!

You really should seek God's guidence and have Him put a Godly man that would be right for you.

Still praying for you
CRH



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