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Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 8:21:19 PM
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patiently
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Hi. We have been married 6 years. We tried to get pregnant the second year of marriage. We are unable to conceive. We were tested and its both of us. After we found out we couldnt conceive, I asked my dh about adoption. He says God hasnt given him the desire to have kids.
Now waiting 5 years, he STILL doesnt want them. He says Im just bored and kids are not the answer. He's scared a kid will destroy our marriage. He sees kids as a chore. Im getting very depressed over it. He works swing shift and we moved 2500 miles from home 15 months ago. Im lonley. I dont know what to do or feel anymore. Has anybody been here?
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 8:37:08 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 68
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
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You guys should have discussed this a long time ago. If he doesn't want to adopt and he has no desire to persue infertility treatments, then I'd say that your choice has been made.
Maybe you need to get out in the community, maybe volunteer or work in a pre-school or something to help your desire for children.
Parenting doesn't work when only one party wants the child and the other sees them as an inconvenience. It's not fair to any child who might be in the family.
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 8:38:24 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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I'm a little confused. He was willing to try before.
Perhaps he means that God hasn't given him the desire to adopt? Or he's afraid of adopting? Many people have misconceptions about adoption, or fears, or some other issues.
I don't know what you can do, except to pray, and remain open to kids in God's timing, even if to you it seems like he's "late". God may yet do a miracle and open your womb. Or he may slowly work on your husband's heart about adoption. Or he may surprise you with something else.
_____________________________
"Children are durable and don’t necessarily wilt under adversity, just as our children don’t necessarily thrive under luxury and comfort." Garrison Keillor
Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 8:51:05 PM
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patiently
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When we tried before, he was just doing it for me. I didnt know he really didnt want them. He's so good with kids, I dont understand. He doesnt see the joy a kid can bring, he only sees the negative. I dont want to live the rest of my life childless. I worked in the nicu and newborn nursery during the time we were trying. I was around lots of babies all day. I dont do that anymore, its makes me want them more. My heart breaks at church, when I see the kids.
I had a child at 16, but was forced to give her up. I feel God is punishing me. Im 38 now and Im really scared Im never going have children. I pray. My husband says he prays every night about it. Do most men feel this way before their wives tell them she preg? I wish I could get preg, then I know he would love his child. I know he would love any child, its just getting him to see it.
When I do get the courage to talk about it, he says I just need a hobby. Maybe he's right. Its not fair.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 9:26:40 PM
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Sadey
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Telling you you need a hobby is very insentitive of your husband and its not the answer. He just doesn't want to talk about it. I think some counseling is in order. Your husband may never change his mind but counseling could save your marriage.
Also getting out and doing volunteering is not the answer either. You are deeply hurt and longing for children and there is no easy answer, those things are just putting a bandaid on a deep deep wound.
I don't know what the solution is but don't let anyone discount and dismiss your pain. God bless you.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 9:44:36 PM
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crh737
Posts: 497
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I wouldn't totally give up! ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!!
I say this with a grateful heart. I was told all my life (age 18) that I would never have children and to just skip the idea.
So when I was 37 y/o and had ovary surgery believe the docs were right. I also worked in a hospital and was thankful it was an adult hospital.
However here I am a 47 year old woman who is the proud momma of a 2 y/o. Yep that's right, God bless me with a child in which everyone else said was impossible.
A Boss of mine had a daughter and they could not conceive after that so adopted a son, right after the papers were final, his wife ended up being pregant with their youngest daughter.
Do not depend on the medical field, as you should know that's why doctors call their office a "practice!"
Said a prayer for you,
CRH
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/4/2008 10:05:30 PM
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patiently
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Thank you for your encouragement. My h ct is zero and I have endometriosis. I take a hormone everyday, so I dont have a period. Last time we tried, I got off the meds for a year, so I could cycle, but the endo starting coming back. The fertility dr had me on clomid for months, till duh one day my h and I thought we should test him, and yep that was it!! I dont have alot of faith in drs. I wonder if I should get of the med again and see what happens. Ill have to talk to my h about it. How is it having a 2 y/o? Is your life better? I'll bet you having fun!!
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 5:34:56 AM
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Unmeritedgrace08
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Pray and give it to God! Hannah is a favorite Bible hero of mine. Remember how her heart broke because she was barren and wanted so much to have a child. Maybe things don't happen in our time but God knows your broken heart and God is not limited! Alot of men don't think they want children but after they have a child, they realize how much of a blessing they are, and how much fulfillment they bring. I will be praying for you!
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 5:48:09 AM
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BibleBased
Posts: 41
Joined: 4/29/2008
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Perhaps the focus of your life needs to change? We are all guilty of having WANTS - but God knows our NEEDS. I'm not hearing much in your posts about your walk with our Lord Jesus or how you feel about what God says in scripture/ the bible. If you never had children, but served God to the best of your ability, would this be enough? Or would you want God to pay back your service, with a child? God is offering eternal life! He has told us what will give us happiness in this life too. Hard as it may be to hear, there are many christians with much bigger crosses to bare. Some are still locked up and killed in horrible ways. Satan attacks those of us who turn to Jesus Christ in every way imaginable. He uses those closest to us as well.
Get in to the bible, hopefully reading with your other half of the 1 person you became in marriage. Don't let satan use this to come between you, and other believers/ non believers or to critise God - you must believe God has you where he wants you and is embracing you and walking with you. God's will, not yours or mine. Love BibleBased.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 10:53:10 AM
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Brandy
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From: Los Angeles
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You have to get on the same page with your husband.
Children do not fix people or marriages.
I cannot imagine the position you are in but I can imagine the upheaval it may/could cause your marriage if you were to persure having kids when he didn't/doesn't want them.
I do agree with a few others, you may need to rethink your life and it's goals, atleast for now. This may be a season for your husband, it may not. Talk to him, get a counselor involved because you guys need to get this figured out and settled so you can either move into another direction or start the process of having children.
_____________________________
~Brandy
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 5:12:05 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1015
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What about foster care with a possibility of adoption?
Things that would make it appealing to your husband...
(1) The child would be mostly YOUR responsibility (if you would be a stay at home parent?) he doesn't have to bond, unless it comes naturally.
(2) It is by definition a temporary situation, which you could opt-out of any time he feels the burden to be too great.
(3) If you (he) does a poor job, you (he) can try a different tactic with the next child.
(4) Adoption is often an option, but never required.
(5) It's a biblically mandated ministry (sort of) to 'visit' 'orphans' in their distress, and to show hospitality to strangers in need.
(6) You (hopefully) get support from the system you are working with.
(7) If that child doesn't come to live with you, they are going to have to live somewhere else - and that's not always a nice option - at least not nice like a stable Christian couple like you two.
(8) It's FREE (no adoption fees) and (here) they pay you enough to support the financial burden of having a child at home with you. (You could consider it a 'job' that the state is paying you to do for them.)
(9) It would sure be the kind of 'hobby' that would keep you busy!
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 6:36:58 PM
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momma07
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Joined: 8/15/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: patiently
When we tried before, he was just doing it for me. I didnt know he really didnt want them. He's so good with kids, I dont understand. He doesnt see the joy a kid can bring, he only sees the negative. I dont want to live the rest of my life childless. I worked in the nicu and newborn nursery during the time we were trying. I was around lots of babies all day. I dont do that anymore, its makes me want them more. My heart breaks at church, when I see the kids.
I had a child at 16, but was forced to give her up. I feel God is punishing me. Im 38 now and Im really scared Im never going have children. I pray. My husband says he prays every night about it. Do most men feel this way before their wives tell them she preg? I wish I could get preg, then I know he would love his child. I know he would love any child, its just getting him to see it.
When I do get the courage to talk about it, he says I just need a hobby. Maybe he's right. Its not fair.
You are not being punished. I have been pregnant before I had my daughter and terminated the pregnancy. I was young and stupid. But I know through my guilt, tears and crying for forgiveness that God has eased my pain and set me free from that situation. You are not being punished. Question, have you tried to track down your daughter? I am not trying to be insensitive, but in a way you already have a child. Although you can never recapture the years the both of you lost, there is still more years to be shared. Just a thought....You definately should not pursue children if your husband is not on the same page. My aunt went through something similar here her husband did want children at the time. She waited 10 years till they finally were in agreement. She said it was the best thing she could have done. They found a lot of joy in their children. She like you found it hard to be without children and had considered getting preggers on purpose but a neighbor talked her out of it. Talk to your husband, he has valid concerns about the stress it will put on your marriage, a life change like that does have an effect on your marriage. But as long as the both of you are committed to the marriage and your new family, you will be ok. I do however think his suggestion of getting a hobby is insensitive and you do need to let him know that.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 6:59:53 PM
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schupfNoodle
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Well you know momma knows best so I agree.
Seriously, just because you have a child won't make life fun. It's a lot of responsibility. A lot of sacrifices.
It put a lot of strain on our marrriage after we had a baby. I love our son but I barely have a life now. That's why it's important that your DH supports you because you're gonna need him.
Also, for me adoption is not an option. I only want our biological child. Some people are like that.
Don't give up. Lift it up to God.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 6:59:54 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1959
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
What about foster care with a possibility of adoption?
Things that would make it appealing to your husband...
(1) The child would be mostly YOUR responsibility (if you would be a stay at home parent?) he doesn't have to bond, unless it comes naturally.
(2) It is by definition a temporary situation, which you could opt-out of any time he feels the burden to be too great.
Whatever you do, I beg you please DO NOT put an innocent child in the above stated circumstances. EVERY placement a foster child is uprooted from and starts the cycle again brings new trauma for that child. DO NOT take any child into your home that you cannot guarantee will be loved unconditionally by BOTH PARENTS.
It's unfair to your marriage, the child, and to another family that could be the parent's most suited to take care of the child and love him/her completely and unconditionally.
Nothing personal against the person who posted those statements, but from someone who sees the system firsthand I know the damage can be HUGE for a child moving from placement to placement because adults did not prayfully consider the cost and commitment before accepting a child into their home.
Children are NOT A HOBBY. They are a gift and we are going to be held accountable to God for how we do and do not nurture them in the Lord.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 8:00:06 PM
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pbaribeault
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My post was supposed to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek, far as the hobby comment and some of my tone / phrases... but even single people make better foster parents than group homes - which is where it's at as far as foster homes in my area, so I guess I think from that perspective. Having the man-of-the house only moderately checked-in would not be the worst thing, if the foster mom was highly committed.
I was considering that the husband might be more willing to give it a try if it was presented to him as something that would only be temporary if he found it unmanageable, and something in which he could choose his own commitment level.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 8:16:55 PM
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karlie
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From: Central California
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I have to agree with buckfin. I would never ever try to conceive or bring a child into my home to adopt or foster unless my husband was 100% on board with it. That's a quick way to build resentment and to drive a wedge into a marriage.
I would earnestly pray and ask God to change your husband's heart. I've seen Him do that over and over in men who don't want children, and a few wives who were reluctant too! I'd wait on the Lord and ask Him to have his perfect way in both of your hearts.
I also have a BIG problem with the mentality that foster kids are disposable...if it doesn't work out, then no big deal, just return them like a pair of shoes for some that fit better. I'm sure it wasn't meant like that, but I work with foster kids and I see them get their hearts broken when they get returned because no one is willing to stick with them for the long haul. They shouldn't be tried on for size or used as a tool for someone to try out parenting skills on.
< Message edited by karlie -- 5/5/2008 8:48:54 PM >
_____________________________
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/5/2008 8:17:57 PM
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Auben
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From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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I'm sorry for your situation.
I don't know your husband, but I do know that some men deal with the 'rejection' or frustration of not being able to conceive by choosing to dislike kids or parenting. It saves their feelings. Choosing to believe that you need 'a hobby' also makes it easier for him sidestep the issue.
Again, I don't know if that's your husband's case. Perhaps he really has never had any interest.
While this situation isn't fair, it may be one you have to live with if you love your husband and your marriage. I don't think that he should put you down for wanting children or say things like 'you just need a hobby.' If this is a common response from him you need to let him know calmly and firmly that if his own disinterest in children is to be respected then your interest is also to be respected. It is not to be explained away.
The first step is him respecting your needs, even if he can't agree with it. Then see what time and prayer will do. There is still time.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/6/2008 12:20:21 AM
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patiently
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Thank you all for your replies. I have never spoken of this problem to anybody. It nice to see people care. I have been praying about this for 5 years and I think Im getting impatient. But, I dont want to bring a child into a family with a resentful father. Thats not fair for a child. So, I continue to wait for his heart to change. Im scared it will never change. Im thankful for everything I do have. My husband is a good man, I dont understand why he feels the way he does. The hobby comment was very insensitive, but maybe he is right. I've been telling myself that for the past 5 years. If I just stay busy, Ill be alright. And it works for a while.
Im scared if I push the issue and we do get a child, and say our marriage goes down the drain, then Im to blame!! Sometimes his fear creeps into me. Its so hard. I need to stay strong. God gives me the strength, and I know he knows what is best for me. I think sometimes God maybe keeping me from a huge heartache, like having a child and something terrible happening to him or her. I know he knows best. Thats what keeps me going. Thank you again everybody! You all feel like friends now.
God bless!!!
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/6/2008 7:23:23 AM
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buckifn
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patiently
I do encourage you to keep praying for your husband. God can most certainly soften his heart towards anything, including wanting to be a parent.
I am sure there were many people who once thought I was impossible to change on some matters too, but God is changing me more and more. Totally relying on God IS scary, but it works.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/6/2008 1:31:26 PM
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tiffywal
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I know how it feels to want children, but can't concieve. That is where I am in life. I have infertility issues. At first my husband didn't know if he wanted children. He had that if it ain't broke then don't fix it attitude. Then one day something happened and now its all he thinks about. I would have to agree with some of the other posters, you can't bring a child into a place where the child will not be accepted whole heartedly.
Now how to deal with your desire in the mean time. Its hard. Another poster said work in a pre-school or daycare. That will only magnify your pain. I struggled for so long with my desire for children. I cried so much. My husband did not know how to help me. Now I have faith in God and his promises. With prayer you will get through this. I found this book at the christian book store called Hannah's Hope. I can't remember the author. Its a good book. Read it, meditate on God's word.
To God be the glory.
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/6/2008 9:47:34 PM
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patiently
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You are so right, maybe its not Gods will to have kids. Maybe this hole in my heart can be filled with helping misfortune people. I will team up with my h and we will pray about it. Thank you for your post and everyones prayers, Im feeling much better about now. There is peace. God bless!!!
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RE: Husband doesnt want kids - 5/6/2008 10:04:38 PM
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Auben
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From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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If you do not have children you will be okay. God will provide a good life for you and many people for your to love and serve, BUT that still doesn't make your husband's comment compassionate or true.
A human being's longing for a child is a very real feeling. It should never be taken lightly because it's inconvenient to the other partner.
I hope your husband changes his mind. My dear friend married a man who did not want children. She wanted at least 3. She waited and prayed and eventually God softened his heart enough to say 'let's see what happens.' Then 'I guess one is okay.' Then 'This is pretty fun maybe two would be good.' They had their third child last year.
This is not the way with all marriages, but my friend did not push him. She prayed and she kept the subject alive without tears or arguments. He respected her position and she respected his.
Another way to give to the life of a child is to volunteer for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. You can spend time and make a difference in the life of one child without bringing one into your home right now.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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I think you are perfectly reasonable to be sad and upset over this. 
