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nickyrh -> Marriage with children (5/5/2008 3:05:39 PM)

Hello,
Thank you in advance for everyone on here opening up their lives for others. I will try to make my story as brief as possible. My husband and I were both pretty wild in college, I got pregnant and we married. We have 2 beautiful and wonderfuly daughters of 8 and 2.
Over the years he has had affairs. I guess I knew but did not want to admit it. Last year topped it all off. We went to counseling and things got alot bettter. No more cheating. In the past few years and more severely in the past two he has had alot of depression and anger problems. This had turned into alcoholism. He does not get violent, but it is a huge problem with us and I am concerned about my girls.
It surprises me that more people on here do not discuss how their marriages affect their children. This is my primary worry. We definitely would not be together if it were not for them. We try to love each other, but we have fallen out of love. I lead a christian life. He calls me Mrs. Morals. He goes to church for an hour on Sundays and acts surly. He does support our daughters going to a christian school.
I am having such a hard time dealing with his issues. It has literally worn me out. He thinks he is Job. I worry for myself, for him but most of all for my children and how all of this will affect them. Please give any advise you have on how to deal with all of this and make the environment less tense and more happy for my children.
Thank you so much for reading.

God Bless!
Nicky



Konstantinos -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 3:39:53 PM)

why is he depressed and angry?

also im not sure how much you can change him if hes not a christian. if hes not a christian he may not see a reason to change...



nickyrh -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 3:53:43 PM)

He is depressed and angry due to many factors. He has always had issues. He lost his father at a very young age and never got over it. He and his sister were shuffled around from family member to family member b/c his mother could not really function. His family he was with forced him to attend a radical church which was rediculous and turned him off to the entire thing, church and God.

-He failed RT school last year right when I found out. He and the "other woman" were the only ones not to pass. Huge waste of time and money, making for a very bitter person.

-His current job is going to go part time possibly

-He feels (as do I) that we are not happy

These are the main current reasons, but they go on and on. He says I have changed, which to be fair is correct. I am walking with Christ. I have matured. I have had two children (and gained weight, a big issue for us both). In my eyes he is another child I have to take care of on most days. He says I dont respect him enough, but he is hard to respect. He wants me to take charge of everything but hates that I am controlling. I feel like the man and woman of my marriage. I have very mixed feelings. We have been in counseling, but he has lost interest in going, mainly due to he has to miss work which is not good right now b/c of his job situation.
He is a wonderful father. He is good to our girls, but of course when he is depressed or drinking the tension is horrible for all of us, them included. A few weeks ago he was very drunk and it ended very badly. My children and I left for the night. He of course said no more drinking, but when I came home Friday night he was of course tipsy again. *sigh**

I am attending my first Alanon meeting tomorrow. Hopefully that will help some. I am literally at my whits end of what to do. My kids love him so much and he them.

Thank you for listening, respond with any advise you have please!



Brooke313 -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 4:19:58 PM)

Try reading the book "Me Obey Him" by Elizabeth Hanford. Typically when we as wives, do not treat our husbands with respect whether they deserve it or not, they treat us without love. Then we treat them with disrespect or no respect and they treat us without love. This is a vicious cycle that goes on and on and on. The only way to break the cycle is for us as wives to do something about it. That something is to respect our husbands.

They may not deserve our respect, however, they are the leaders of our homes and we must resepct the role that they have. It is like not caring for who is in an office or for a teacher or other leader. We respect them because of the role of leadership that they have. In time, this will help the other person to see the value of their role and things will begin to get better.

Also try reading 1 Peter 3. This is the chapter about the roles of husbands and wives and how we are to treat each other in the marriage relationship. Unfortunately, when we marry someone who is not a Christian, because this is a sin, it comes back to haunt us. Not only does it affect us and our husbands, it affects everyone involved from the in-laws to the children to future in-laws. It is important to teach your daughters that they should not marry a non-Christian and explain to them why.



nickyrh -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 4:33:29 PM)

I will read that, thank you. You are correct, it has become a viscious cycle. It is VERY HARD to respect someone you know does not deserve your respect. Thankfully he is respectful and supporting of bringing our children up in the christian faith. Praise God for that!

It is just so hard to dread going home in the evenings. I long for it to be just myself and my girls, even though I know that is wrong. I am simply tired. I am really hoping Alanon is as great and helps as much as everyone says it will!

God Bless!

Nicky



Konstantinos -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 4:46:22 PM)

i agree with treating him with respect. start expecting things of him, but dont be pushy. trust him with them. granted he'll be really.. uhh. questionable about you changing like that at first, so you must truly change to respect him. if you fake it it will just make things worse.

as for the school.. cant he take it again or at least the exams if he wants to finish it? if he doesnt forget about it, its gone

for his job.. i cant give any help.. just get a new one? or something? or get a second one? just dont get worried about the problem, fix it!

being unhappy is gonna happen if you both choose to give up trying to fix the marriage. i dont know how much either of you have really tried but the less the worse it makes it.

as for the weight, no lie there if its a lot then its gonna be an issue, with any man there. if its loseable with a proper diet and proper exercize try to do that. if its not due to health problems or genetics(just dont use them as an excuse like most people... use them as a reason if they really make it impossible) then he must be a man and learn to live with it.

also.. ask him what he wants you to do and to be honest. and if you are one that prefers to listen to what you want to hear instead of the truth, make it clear you want the truth. you cant fix a marriage by guessign and guessing and even worse guessing wrong.

the reason he probably doesnt take control of anything is because he doesnt feel a need to. thats kinda weird though if he actually loves your kids. i guess you must show him that he still has a wife that loves him.

and he has had affairs. if its only cause hes weak then its just up to him to change unfortunately and hopefully he has and will. if its cause he doesnt get all he'd want from a woman from you then like i said.. ask him.

and above all.. you must want to make the marriage work and must want to try to. if you ask him and start getting mad at each other instead of doing it out of love for each other instead of out of love for yourself it wont ever get better.



nickyrh -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 5:19:12 PM)

He cannot go back into school, so yes, it is gone. It happened this time last year, so it is an ugly reminder. He will get another job, but he takes having a full time job as a provider so seriously. He sees losing that part of his job as being a failure. Sad, but true no matter how much I contridict it.

I am doing weight watchers and have lost 20 lbs. I have more to go, but I am doing it. I am proud of myself and he is proud of me for that. It is just a slow going process.

I do actually trust him with our kids. He would not endanger them in any way. He is a great father, it is such a shame. I have been trying to give him more responsibility so he is a more responsible person and so it alleviates some of my stress.

I wish he could walk with God with me and our girls. I am trying to lead by being a good example. We are simply very different people.

I think I have been trying for so long and "taking care" of him for so long that it has literally worn me out. I am so tired of it. I love him in a family way, but certainly not the way a wife should feel about her husband. So much has happend over such a long period of time that I dont know if we can be healed. I do it all for my children and with the knowledge that God did not promise us it would be easy.

Please keep us in your prayers!

God Bless!



Konstantinos -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 5:44:23 PM)

quote:

he takes having a full time job as a provider so seriously.


you mean a provider for the family?

at any rate its good that he will get another one. and every man prefers not to rely on his wife to help with providing. it would be fine if you two were fine together cause then he'd see you more as someone helping out instead of as an enemy that competes with him, at least maybe thats how he sees it.

quote:

I am doing weight watchers and have lost 20 lbs. I have more to go, but I am doing it. I am proud of myself and he is proud of me for that. It is just a slow going process.


thats ok, losing weight should be no more than 2 lbs.. for a guy IMO so no more than 1.5 pounds for a girl per week.

quote:

I do it all for my children


you cant just do it for your children alone. if you dont really wish to save the marriage but just your children to have a nice life that wont be enough.

and i know what you mean about him not being a christian. my parents and brother arent christians and it makes you feel so lonely.. in an environment that you ahve to live in



nickyrh -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 5:55:09 PM)

Yes, as a provider for the family. This is a relatively small area, he is afraid he will have a problem finding another job.

I know I cannot do it just for my kids, I just dont know if I can feel that way about him again. Regardless, I will try because I truly want it to work.

My work computer will shut down shortly, so I have to run!

Thanks so much, it is wonderful to discuss this with someone outside my immediate circle.

God Bless!



momma07 -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 7:11:49 PM)

wow...I can totally relate to your marriage. I, like you, have a husband who has a lot of anger/depression issues. Not because he has had a hard upbringing, but becasue he just doesn't know how to control or at some point refuses to control his anger. I have to say tho, God is able to do anything if you just root yourself in him, let go, and let him. I think sometimes we get soo stuck in praying for the other person to change that we forget or maybe even don't think God has as much work to do in us as he does in our spouses. I know that my marriage only changed when I let go and started to try focusing on my walk with God. I had to ask God (and I still ask and struggle sometimes) what can I do to be a better wife? What would God have me say or do to be the wife he wants me to be? There is no sufficient reason for him to go out and have affairs on you. But it does illustrate that there is something missing in your marriage. Have you asked him why he does this? To use a simple analogy, if you go and eat at a buffet and fill up on everything you are satisfied. If your friend calls you and invites you to s steak dinner, already having had enough to eat at the buffet you would decline. Our marriages have to be like that. We have to fill each other up with whats needed so when temptaion comes around, its not hard to resist. It's great he is a supportive father but you are his wife and his priority. He will always love his children, its almost biologically engrained in him, he has to work to continue loving you as you have to work at it too. I too have had the weight issue and it was a focus. I like you joined weight watchers and have lost some weight. Keep going!! It feels freat even to lose just 5lbs so please don't get discouraged.

Its good that you have started al-anon meetings, sometimes we become co-dependant on the chaotic relationships we have just like a person becomes dependant on a drug. There is such a fine line to walk because you have children. The relationship you have with their dad and the type of man he shows them he is, is setting them up to learn what type of man and relationship they might have or what they perceive to bas as normal. They may begin to think its normal for a man to be tipsy all the time and not work full time. Or maybe they will know its not normal but will still fall into the same type of relationship with the same type of man. I know I did. My dad was abusive and angry like my husband was. I asked myself all the time, I knew this about my dad and swore I would not end up like my mom did. How the heck did I get ito this? The only thing that has saved my marriage hasn't been the birth of our daughter. It's been God. We are not together just because of our daughter, but because of our love for her. We love her soo much that we don't want to lose the love between us. We have had highs and lows. After 3 years of marriage we are just beginning to come to a resolution of a lot of the issues we have had. I thank God for that. Some parts of our relationship may never change, they may have more to do with personality than problems. I can only encourage you stay in prayer and stregthen your walk with God.

Accept nothing less than the best for your children. It's gotta be hard for them to see their dad this way. Honestly you may have to remove yourself and them from the situation till he truly makes some changes. Although I understand you may trust him, he may cross the line one day when he is under the influence of alcohol and then what? I know how hard it can be to keep respecting a person you feel who is not taking responsibility for the household the way God has called him to. But if it has been the alcohol that has changed him, the husband you once loved is still there he just needs to get the alcohol out of the way to return to his old self. I don't believe we have a right to judge or punish anyone. But as spouses we are accountable to each other. There should be boundaries within any marriage and consequences for going over them. You said "affairs" he has had "affiars", more than one? What was the consequence for his actions? Perhaps he thinks he can continue to do this and you will always take him back? He got drunk one night and you left, but then came back when he promised to not drink again (which he did). He cannot have his cake and eat it too. You and your children are suffering because of his addiction and that is not fair. I am by no means suggesting when times get tough, you get running. The vows are for better or worse. But you cannot sacrifice your children's mental, emotional and physical well being. Tough love is what it is, tough. For both the violator and enforcer. But in the end it may just be the thing that can save a marriage and a family. In the end only God can direct your steps on what to do. He can give you the strength to go or stay. Seek him, he won't let you down. Good luck and God Bless.



Hislittleone -> RE: Marriage with children (5/5/2008 7:11:52 PM)

Nicky, I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult, painful situation. My advice is a little different than what you've received so far here. I think it's time to set some boundaries (i.e. no more drinking, losing temper, no more cheating etc.) and if he crosses the boundaries you set then put in place the consequences you set. You can't make him change and you can't see into the future to know if he'll ever change for certain. But you are in charge of yourself and your girls. You have the power to say "No more", meaning you won't accept being treated like this and you won't accept this kind of environment for you daughters. You say he's a good father and I'm sure that he is in some ways but ultimately he's failing as a husband and father. It's definitely not a good thing for their father to be an example of a drunkard and an angry man. He is their example of what to look for in a husband. Is he the kind of man you want your daughters to marry-----a man who cheats over and over, abuses alcohol and chooses not to control his temper?

As far as respecting your husband goes I think you should offer him the same amount of kindness, courtesy, and respect that you would offer a stranger on the street. Anything above and beyond that should be earned by him.

Is your husband a Christian (born again)? If I were you (and I've been in similar situations in my marriage---abuse, anger, porn, lying, alcohol abuse, neglect etc.) I would tell my husband to call Joel and Kathy Davisson and start counseling (over the phone) with them and reading their books. And if he didn't I would be leaving with my children. Here is their website http://www.joelandkathy.com/ My husband is doing the twice weekly phone counseling, has read both books and is reading a third that they recommended. Their help is really doing wonders for our marriage. Their focus is on helping the husbands to become more Christlike in the way they relate to their wives and children. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

ETA: Some people believe that when husbands cheat it means that the wife is lacking in some way or that there is something missing in the marriage. I completely disagree. Husbands cheat if they are selfish, immature and rebelling against God. Period. It's not because a wife gains weight, or doesn't want sex often enough, or isn't pretty enough, or nags him too much etc. It's because HE is choosing to sin.

Hugs to you (((Nicky)))



nickyrh -> RE: Marriage with children (5/6/2008 10:34:00 AM)

Thank you so so much. It is amazing to receive this kind of encouragement. If it were me, I would set the boundary in a second. Do not drink or leave. I know what would happen, he would do one of two things. Pack up and leave or simply drink behind my back. As far as the affairs, they truly are a thing of the past. I have complete trust in him to be faithful. We did not have an open marriage, but we lived as "essential roommates" for a long time. We are past that thank goodness. What he does not realize is that his drinking causes me so much anxiety that I become so involved in that that it makes me a moody mess. It's an evil cycle. Hopefully Alanon will help with that.

My issue is that he would choose to leave before he would stop drinking. As selfish and as awful as it is, that is the truth. He is doing worlds better, only drinking once in a while so he thinks I am being unreasonable by saying no more drinking...period....ever. My daughter would also think that. My kids worship their dad. I dont know what would happen if we were not all together as a family to my girls. I continue to pray for us all every day. I am simply so unhappy. We are such different people with nothing in common anymore, only our girls.

Thank you again for your advise and guidance. It is nice to know there are others out there in your same situation.

God Bless!
Nicky



momma07 -> RE: Marriage with children (5/6/2008 7:15:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone


ETA: Some people believe that when husbands cheat it means that the wife is lacking in some way or that there is something missing in the marriage. I completely disagree. Husbands cheat if they are selfish, immature and rebelling against God. Period. It's not because a wife gains weight, or doesn't want sex often enough, or isn't pretty enough, or nags him too much etc. It's because HE is choosing to sin.

Hugs to you (((Nicky)))


Thats true HE is choosing sin. But the marriage is obviously lacking the mutual love for God by both spouses to withstand the temptation. Missing the commitment (he is or rather was not obviously as committed as Nicky). As you mentioned, it doesn't have anything to do with the weight gain or other physical attributes he tries to justify his actions with. Those are just excuses. The fact that the last affair was just a year ago, I would still have my guard up. But its nice to see Nicky has been able to salvage her marriage. I just hope and pray that you find the happiness and fulfillment you are seeking. The only other thing I can say is seek that happiness and fulfillment from God first, the rest will fall into place according to his will.



Sadey -> RE: Marriage with children (5/6/2008 7:51:01 PM)

I would suggest getting Dr. Emerson Eggerich's book Love and Respect.
I think it might be a big help to you.

To me it sounds like yes you are in a hard place but you have a lot going for you.

First you are a child of God's and He wilL go with you through this. Also it sounds like your husband has made some improvements.

Alanon will be such a help for you. Just to know there are others going thorugh the same thing should help immensely.
God bless you and keep you.



buckifn -> RE: Marriage with children (5/7/2008 6:30:20 AM)

quote:

Please give any advise you have on how to deal with all of this and make the environment less tense and more happy for my children.


Number 1. Take time for yourself. Find another Godly woman to be a prayer partner with you and pray for you, your marriage, and your children. Don't isolate yourself which is what often happens in situations such as the one you described. Also, keep your relationship with God STRONG. Read the Word when you don't feel like reading, pray always, and keep some praise and worship music going in your home.

Number 2. Create a postive world elsewhere for your kids. Get the older one involved with a positive mentor..a program such as Big Brother/Big Sister would be great. She will have someone else to spend time with her in a stress free environment. Also make sure your struggles don't become hers. Find somewhere else to vent and don't let your children hear all the negative stuff about the other parent. I would also try to socialize with families where the Dad is a positive influence ...

Number 3. Find out what your daughter does well and encourage her to pursue it...whether it's a hobby, a sport, a talent, whatever..use it to build her esteem. Low self esteem issues in daughters often times are centered around issues with the daughter/dad relationship. Make SURE they both know they are beautiful and valuable.

last for now...catch her dad on a good day and involve him in making a video clip for your daughters...use a special occ. such as birthday, Christmas, etc for an excuse and have him look in the camera and say only positive things about his daughters...it could be things like favorite thing they do together, favorite memory he has of her, describing how happy he was when bringing her home from the hospital...things like that.

I know it may sound corny but when your daughters are older they will cherish it.

Above all don't stop praying ..and when you get others to join in prayer with you it is even more effective.



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