Long Term Houseguests (Full Version)

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Memaw. -> Long Term Houseguests (5/9/2008 7:44:14 PM)

My 8 yr old granddaughter, her mother and sisters (4 and 2) are going to be staying with us for awhile till Mom can get back on her feet financially and emotionally.

This is something we have been hoping would happen for quite awhile now so we are ready for it.

I know there will be adjusting to do (on all sides), we have our 15 yr old daughter to consider as well as far as privacy issues and personal space.
There are 4 empty bedrooms to the upstairs part of our home which is where our daughters room is so bedroom space is plenty.
They will be sharing a bathroom.

What I would like help on are ground rules, what to set forth so that it is fair and understandable to both sides.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 1:36:16 AM)

Make sure their mom gets a job as soon as possible.
Have rules for the children that are fair to them and to your teen daughter.
Is there a play area for the little ones that won't interfere with the teen having
her own quiet space?
You and the daughter in law(or whatever the relation is) need to sit down and
discuss living arrangements - expectations - rules of conduct etc...



Wild-Rose -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 6:24:32 AM)

Set up "bathroom time" schedule for your daughter and others. I assume your daughter goes to high school and you want to make sure she stays on schedule in the mornings.

The mother of these three girls can help with chores. Ask her to be responsible for the laundry of the four of them, plus their bath towels. Ask her to be responsible for cooking and/or clean up of meals. Ask her to help with pick up of toys, books and whatever mess they all make.

Make sure the three little girls know that they cannot go in your daughter's room without permission. Teen girls are touchy about these things.



Wild-Rose -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 7:59:10 AM)

Even though you are happy about this now, I feel you should set a time limit for their stay. You don't want them to live there forever, right? Perhaps 3 months, 6 months or a year, whatever seems right to you. This should put a bit of motivational pressure on the Mom to get a job and on her feet sooner. If there is no time limit she will relax and not worry about it. Perhaps not, but the temptation is there.



Pengie -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 9:53:27 AM)

Our teenage daughter had a teenage houseguest stay with us for 2 months while finishing High School. Looking back I now wish I had laid down rules about each person cleaning up after themselves - both in the kitchen and the bathroom! This needed to include their own laundry as well. Also we ran into some rather high phone bill issues. I did have to set a curfew, but needed to include a bedtime which I neglected to do (thinking they were old enough to know better)

The house quickly became a mess and I felt like a maid. I suggest establishing rules to avoid this so that you can enjoy each other.



Memaw. -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 10:20:26 AM)

Thanks for the replies![:)]

They won't be here until the end of this month so that my granddaughter can finish the school year where she is (they are in a different town).
That will be after our 15 yr old is out for the summer as well, so early morning bathroom schedule won't be interfered with.

Rick is going to install a keyed knob on DD bedroom door so she can lock it when she is not in it to keep little ones out.

There are five bedrooms and one full bathroom to the upstairs of our house.
One of the bedrooms will be set up as bedroom/playroom for the littlest ones, Mom will have one, granddaughter will have one and DD has one.
The room the littlest ones will be using is now a "band room" so we will move and store all that into the smallest bedroom and lock it to keep sticky fingers away.[;)]

Mom has her CNA license so hopefully finding a job won't be difficult.
She has no car though, she is waiting on her tax rebate to look for one, so I know that a lot of things will hinge on her finding a good reliable vehicle.

Rick and I have discussed a time limit, we feel she should be able to find work and an apartment or house before the next school year begins (August 22). We will be talking to Mom before she moves in about that.

I know this is going to be difficult, it always is when you get 2 families living in the same house, but we have to make it work.

My granddaughter has been moved from house to house during the past several months, living with whoever will let them stay, and we have been praying that the Mom would call us finally asking for help.

She is the type of person that you have to use "kid gloves" on when offering help. She tries to be so very strong (she is 23 years old) but deep inside I know she is just a hurting little girl herself.
We couldn't offer the rooms to her and her children until she was ready to accept the offer, until she was at the "end of herself".

I believe that time is now!

I know there are going to be grubby handprints on my TV, there are going to be sippy cups left on the table, but I can deal with those.
I can't deal with my granddaughter not knowing where she is going to sleep anymore.

Anything else y'all can think of that we need to be thinking about?



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 10:32:47 AM)

Kim, will you be watching the girls while she works/looks for work?

I would caution against having your DD do much babysitting.



Memaw. -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 10:39:40 AM)

Good question Jenny,

I will be watching them while Mom looks for work, but won't while she works.
She will be getting them enrolled into Futures Unlimited which includes the Head Start Program as soon as possible.



funny_girl -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 11:11:48 AM)

I agree with the others that you must think ahead what are your expectations of the mother and the girls as far as chores? Do you want the mother responsible for cooking any meals and clean up? The kitchen is the hardest area for me to share. Our last live in house guest had to go because he took over my kitchen and I didn't like it! Something new to me, but I learned that I have to be the one running my kitchen.

God bless you for opening your home. With plenty of rooms upstairs it sounds like they'll be out of your hair on occasion! That will be a big help!



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 11:16:31 AM)

I think you need to be contemplating what your financial expectations for her are, and if the are fair, and if you have communicated them clearly.

In order to have 1st and last months' rent and a deposit and other expenses in only TWO MONTHS' time you are basically expecting her to spend NONE of her earnings over the summer. I can tell you that she will not agree to that. What seems a reasonable expenditure to her may not to you, and vice versa. So you and your DH really need to be thinking about that, and then talking to her about it. You may want to print off the income/expenditures worksheet from crown.org and go over it with her, to get an idea of how much she needs each month, and the expenses we tend to forget until they come up. There is a line between you controlling her finances and her living off of you without planning for the immediate future, and you guys are going to have to find that line.



buckifn -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 4:36:26 PM)

1 big one is what rooms are allowed to have food and beverages in and what rooms aren't...I know it sounds small but when you have kids, and trails of ants start appearing it isn't so small after all.

Who pays for the groceries? gas for taking her and/or the kids to appts etc. and who pays when the kids break something?

when she wants to go out and have you watch the kids what is a reasonable time to expect her back home...how much notice do you need to be given when asked to watch the kids?

when the kids are sick and throwing up everywhere is she going to clean it up or you?

What about her wanting to have her friends over? are overnight visists ok? is there a limit on how many guests at one time? what if your daughter is studying for exams...whats the rules on allowing her quiet time?



pbaribeault -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/10/2008 10:00:31 PM)

You sound like you have a reasonable handle on this, and like you will be able to balance the situation well, but when I read this paragraph
quote:

She is the type of person that you have to use "kid gloves" on when offering help. She tries to be so very strong (she is 23 years old) but deep inside I know she is just a hurting little girl herself. We couldn't offer the rooms to her and her children until she was ready to accept the offer, until she was at the "end of herself".
I felt some concern.

I assume that these are your private thoughts, and that you don't tell your daughter that you think of her in these terms. Even so, these ideas may come out in your actions.

You seem to be pleased that she has accepted an inability to care for herself -- and I see why that is good in the short term, so that she can accept help... But when she is in your home, these kinds of thoughts can easily turn to an attitude of casual disregard for her abilities, strengths, opinions and jurisdictions.

Even if you believe her to be hurting and lacking, you need to treat her with a bone-deep respect. She will know if you are expressing anything different -- even just by averting your eyes -- and that kind of thing has the potential to seriously undermine her sense of self... Which is absolute poison to parenting.

You need to talk yourself into genuinely believing you are living with a peer -- a person of equal standing, similar to your own age. Consider all your thoughts and actions in the light of, "What would I think if my friend were doing this, not my daughter."

Example works better than advice, but even an example can feel like a slap if the relationship is not steeped in love and respect. And ask your daughter if she wants you to enforce her rules when you notice, or if you should just draw her attention to it. If she wants you to enforce, ask her exactly what the rules are and what methods work for her. That way you are upholding her authority rather than establishing your own authority and expectations.

Oh -- practically about the bathroom... Don't store any 'bathroom stuff' in the bathroom, but get each person a bathroom basket, to keep in their room, and hang their own towels on the backs of their doors. Then you can expect them to leave the bathroom clean and empty. A mirror in each room will also cut down on bathroom needs.



Memaw. -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/11/2008 9:59:26 AM)

To clarify, she is not my daughter, she is the mother of my granddaughter.
I do consider her as a daughter in law, but my son and her were never married. My son has been in prison my granddaughters' entire life.

quote:

You seem to be pleased that she has accepted an inability to care for herself -- and I see why that is good in the short term, so that she can accept help... But when she is in your home, these kinds of thoughts can easily turn to an attitude of casual disregard for her abilities, strengths, opinions and jurisdictions.


There has been things happen in her life within the past several months that has caused us a lot of concern for the well being of our granddaughter as well as the other two children.

The younger two girls' daddy died this past winter of a massive heart attack (the youngest one was the first one to find him on the floor).
Since then they have all been shuffled from home to home, staying with anyone who will let them stay.
Mom admitted herself into a mental health hospital because she started "cutting" herself.

We have asked Mom several times to move to where we live, let us help her get back on her feet, but she refused.

I was excited when she called to let us know that she was ready to move here if the offer was still extended.

We know there are going to be personality clashes, there are going to be problems, and that no road is easy.

I just want to give them a place where all of them feel safe, all of them can start recovering and start healing and realize there is a future and that future can be good.



preserved -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/12/2008 12:54:49 PM)

I feel that all of you need to sit down and discuss the ground rules and fairness...That way no one would feel let out and being TOLD what to do in oppose to giving them responsiblities and them understanding the responsibilities...Remember they will be living under a different environment as well...They also have adjustment to make...



Memaw. -> RE: Long Term Houseguests (5/12/2008 8:44:20 PM)

Exactly.

Thank you all for your replies, you have given me many good ideas and things to consider.



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