We want to get married and he has NO job!! (Full Version)

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FullyAlive21 -> We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/9/2008 7:55:03 PM)

We want to get married and he has NO job!!

My boyfriend of over 2 years is graduating from our college next week. He is currently without any direction as to where to go after he graduates. He would like to begin work as soon as possible, but he has had somewhat of a "reserve" to go into his vocation (youth ministry) as of the past few months. He has only received emails about job offers through school, but has not yet sent out or fully completed his resume. He would like to move back to his home area, and with his parents are where is going to be for this time being after graduation. They have paid for all his tuition and fees for the past 4 years. During this time he has focused on school.

However, I have been dating him and he has only had a few summer jobs and a small temporary one over a few months during school that has spanned this entire 4 years. Needless to say, he has no savings and hardly any cash. He expresses a deep desire to get married to me, as we together have planned will happen eventually, but there is no action to work and put aside money. Now with this ministry/career hesitancy, he is not sure the direction which he is supposed to go. And he now says (over the past few months) that he is not ready for the working and saving of marriage just yet. I have no idea how to respond. My sincere desire is for any decision he makes to be his decision alone. I don't want to manipulate anything, and I do love him. And at the same time, I am not sure how long to wait for him now. I desire to be married and don't mind waiting, but I am not sure if this pattern is a major problem that I'm not seeing. It seems he has great intentions, but I am not sure what length to wait for action. And have a few months left of school, so I feel this is a major defining moment in our lives. I want to do the right thing, and I believe my anxiousness is for a good reason.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Warning signs of the end of the relationship? (5/10/2008 1:27:08 AM)

Take note of what he is doing and saying.
Meanwhile you continue doing and following the Lord's leading/direction
for your life.
Pray for your boyfriend and be his friend - since you see he's not reached
the same maturity level that you have.

*I'd give him 6 to a year to get himself together (get a job and saving money for the future.)



buckifn -> RE: Warning signs of the end of the relationship? (5/10/2008 7:02:22 AM)

Are you also graduating in a few months? What are your plans after school and how far apart is his hometown from where you will be?

Also, what does your Mom and Dad think of your bf? Not that parent's are always right, but we do have a clue every now and then. :)



FullyAlive21 -> RE: Warning signs of the end of the relationship? (5/10/2008 12:00:57 PM)

quote:

Are you also graduating in a few months? What are your plans after school and how far apart is his hometown from where you will be?

Also, what does your Mom and Dad think of your bf? Not that parent's are always right, but we do have a clue every now and then. :)


Yeah I'm done at the end of this year, and my plans are currently up in the air. I am going to try and pursue a job living in the town my college is in or heading back to live with the rents if that doesn't work out. I hope it will, though. And yeah my parents are very concerned. I keep telling them I want to give him a chance, and I feel he deserves it. I just hate to keep waiting and I am not even sure if thats the right thing!!



FullyAlive21 -> RE: Warning signs of the end of the relationship? (5/10/2008 12:06:52 PM)

And jaimestarcross do I tell him that I'm giving him six months to a year? He's leaving for good in a few short days.



buckifn -> RE: Warning signs of the end of the relationship? (5/10/2008 4:28:24 PM)

I'd say this based on what information you have given, esp. your parent's pov... tell the guy you would like for things to work out between the two of you and agree to stay in touch over the next few months and see how things are coming together...but not to make any big lifestyle changes because you are expecting things to happen a certain way.


Make sure you continue to pray for God's will to be done in your life and if the two of you are meant to be together God will bring it to pass...but I most definitely would not put my life on hold in hopes this person gets his ducks lined up right...if having you isn't enough to motivate him to get things in order then what I would say as a parent is maybe he doesn't deserve you?



NotDoneYet -> RE: Warning signs of the end of the relationship? (5/10/2008 11:02:14 PM)

No job, no savings...no wedding.
To go into a marriage where he doesn't have a job, hasn't held a steady job, had mama and papa shell out for his degree...RED FLAG!
Graduate, find work in your field, establish yourself. If he gets his act together, then discuss marriage...if not...run in the other direction.
The #1 stressor in marriage is money. Wait until he has established himself in a career choice, give him a year...then discuss marriage. What's the rush? Wait if you wish...but if you don't want to wait, maybe it's time to decide for yourself what YOU want.

NDY



TMeeks -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 12:12:09 AM)

It's not just him that has a life in flux right now. It's BOTH of you. Marriage is so important that it is better to put it off for a while until both of your are more stable about the directions of your lives.

One of the things that can paralyze those of us that have been trained for ministry is that we can have a false sense of what it means to find God's Will for our lives... and, I sense that may be a problem with your boyfriend. We tend to see the BIG things as God's Will, like whether we should preach or be a youth minister. But, those are really END RESULTS of being in God's Will on a daily basis.

You mentioned graduation being a 'defining moment'; but, in reality it is simply a passing moment. Most people do NOT go into the profession for which they have trained. My inclination would be to focus on graduating first. Then, both of you go home and give both of you some time to digest the next steps that you, individually, want to pursue. I'm guessing that he and you see the immediate graduation in different lights and that he sees it as an opportunity, at least for a little while, to be out from under any pressure.

That's OK, if it's just for a little while. But, you'll know that there is a problem if it goes on for more than a few months. Until you see him actually EXCITED about a position... no matter what that might be, I certainly would not join my life with his.



crm4souls -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 3:04:15 AM)

As per the earlier post: No job, No savings, NO wedding. Be careful, don't rush it. If this is the right person for you, you have the rest of your lives, what does a few extra months matter to get on track. What is the saying, "fools rush in". Don't be foolish by rushing. When the timing is right, you will have peace. Follow your peace and walk with God.



Above_All -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 3:53:30 AM)

By him having to start from scratch financially is not uncommon. Every college student has to start somewhere so your situation is not really uncommon. What matters is how you both walk in faith. Do you both believe that you can go to G-d and simply ask for His favor? Talk about you desires and goals with each other and accept the fact that it may or may not take quite some time before you both are able to get married. Only time will tell. I personally think too that age is a factor. If a person is not mature enough, experiencing life first as a single may be necessary in order to grow. And don't make singleness such a big deal. I have learned that when we count our single days it only bring unnecessary pressure to ourselves. And that in turn can affect our relationship with G-d.



Konstantinos -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 7:07:50 AM)

im kinda confused as to what exactly is going on? he doesnt want a job now? he is moving away or something?

at any rate, im one that doesnt believe that two shouldnt get married just cause of the financial issue. if you are both living alone right now because of college, if anything, it will be less work and less money living together. you dont have to have a new house, you dont have to have new furniture bla bla. where in the bible does it say anything like that?

the only problem i honestly see is children. if you got married and you got pregnant then yes it would be a problem, but he already has his degree. and if anything, the idea of having to support a child will push him further to get a job.

put simply, you cant make a man get a job that he wont love unless he is pushed to do so.
or maybe im just too immature and im like that myself. *Shrugs*



creationtalk -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 11:26:55 AM)

Until he has demonstrated the ability to support a family DO NOT get married. I know from experience that a man with great potential won't go anywhere if he doesn't have something pushing him to use that potential.

Your young man has not had to work for anything up to now. School, no matter how hard you might work for the grades isn't really the same as work...though I would ask you how much effort he put into his classes and what his grades were (this is an indicator of how hard he might work at his job). His grades in school did not directly affect his comfort level...he knew he still had a home and food. His lack of effort in finding a job right now might be he is simply tired from school and needs a break, then he will do fine, or it might be an indication that if you marry he will be happy to keep the recliner company and make sure the TV remote is in good working condition while you support the family and care for the home. I suggest that you take some time to find out which this is before considering marriage.

If he can walk away without a concern from you if you tell him you want to wait , then he doesn't love you enough to sustain a marriage. If he values you enough to prove himself by getting a job, keeping it, and preparing to provide you with a home, then you have a chance.



Konstantinos -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 3:01:21 PM)

honestly if the person i wanted to be married to told me she wont get married to me because i dont want a job right now i'd see HER as the unloving one.

quote:

Until he has demonstrated the ability to support a family DO NOT get married. I know from experience that a man with great potential won't go anywhere if he doesn't have something pushing him to use that potential.


i see actually HAVING a family as much more of a push rather than the idea that some day you may have a family, or your future wife telling you she wont marry you if you dont first get a job as a push. that would seem to me more of a betrayal?

am i right? am i wrong? maybe, it matters a bit. what matters most is that probably he'll feel the same way as i would.



FullyAlive21 -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 3:25:16 PM)

I appreciate all of your responses. I'm not in a position to marry him right now, but I am still dating him and though it has been amazing, I feel that in these times lately, I have just not been happy. And he knows this, but asks me to wait for him. I however do not wish to wait forever. I don't want to give him an ultimatum--I want this to be his idea--but I have said that I am okay with waiting. But now I want to make it known to him that I don't want to wait forever. My parents suggest telling him to take this summer and think about it, take the pressure off, etc. What you said in this quote,
quote:

If he can walk away without a concern from you if you tell him you want to wait , then he doesn't love you enough to sustain a marriage. If he values you enough to prove himself by getting a job, keeping it, and preparing to provide you with a home, then you have a chance.
really scares me, because I am really am not sure if he is concerned. He tells me he is, but he's not doing anything about it and in the meantime I'm waiting.

This week I feel, you're all right, is pivotal, but he may just see it as an opportunity to escape the pressure. I want to approach him about this (maybe even a break this summer) but again I don't want to MAKE him do anything! I want him to do it.

If anyone wants to email/pm me to, that would be great if needed



deermousie -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 3:34:38 PM)

Wanting to get married but not being able to support a family is like wanting to swim to Hawaii but not knowing how to swim. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry to find out how, either.

I think this young man has just finished a difficult academic four years and now needs to decide what to do with it. He doesn't sound ready to get married and pay insurance and bills the rest of his life. I'd give him some space, and keep praying. In two years I bet he'll be ready to go (unless he's contemplating retiring on his parents' dime. Hopefully he's not doing that; it doesn't sound like it).

I think you are wise to stand back a little and question what is going on here. May God give you the desire of your heart (because if you have to force it to happen, it really isn't happening. You seem to know this - good for you!).



Konstantinos -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 3:41:50 PM)

quote:

really scares me, because I am really am not sure if he is concerned. He tells me he is, but he's not doing anything about it and in the meantime I'm waiting.


has he told you why he doesnt want a job?

personally i find the fact that you arent happy anymore more important rather than the fact he doesnt want a job right now. why arent you happy anymore if i may ask?



FullyAlive21 -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 6:15:50 PM)

He's told me a little. Mostly its because he feels like he's not ready yet. He wasn't ready to work while he was doing schoolwork and he's not ready to even work after school. He SAYS he is, really. But he hasn't gotten his resume out yet, and he definitely hasn't been actively pursuing a job. He's more waiting for it to plop in his lap I think. If he wants it at all.

I think I might tell him I want a break for the summer because I want him to figure this out, as much as it sucks.....I am SO not sure HOW to though. I really have no idea what to say to him. I am not even sure how he would react. This would change alot, since we've been together on the same campus for over 3 years.



Konstantinos -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 6:23:48 PM)

haha hes not ready could really mean anything ... why is he not ready?

also i dont get how breaking up with him for 3 months will somehow help him?



NotDoneYet -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 7:49:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullyAlive21

He's told me a little. Mostly its because he feels like he's not ready yet. He wasn't ready to work while he was doing schoolwork and he's not ready to even work after school. He SAYS he is, really. But he hasn't gotten his resume out yet, and he definitely hasn't been actively pursuing a job. He's more waiting for it to plop in his lap I think. If he wants it at all.

I think I might tell him I want a break for the summer because I want him to figure this out, as much as it sucks.....I am SO not sure HOW to though. I really have no idea what to say to him. I am not even sure how he would react. This would change alot, since we've been together on the same campus for over 3 years.


He wasn't ready to work while he was doing schoolwork? He's not "ready to work" now?
Your statement about waiting for something to "plop in his lap" really sends me a few red flags. It sounds to me like the young man does not have the internal motivation to get up and DO something.

Personally, I would give him an ultimatum...you have X amount of time to get your act together and get a job...if not, I'm gone. If he loves you and wants a future with you, that might be the wake up call he needs. It sounds to me like he's had far too much handed to him and he needs to realize that the freebies have to stop.

And this is exactly why we won't pay for college educations...if the child is motivated enough, they'll find a way...our kids have. We have one who is in nursing school and working about 30 hours a week at 2 different jobs. We have another who chose to go into the military.

If he's not internally motivated, then there's not much you can do...don't wait forever for him.

NDY



GrapeApe -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 8:15:51 PM)

I disagree with the majority of posters. Money isn't everything. Love is.

I plan on getting married in the next few years, while either attending or taking an online course for my degree in youth ministry. I've had one job in my lifetime. I saved and stocked the very little I made and gave a large percent back to God, and He blessed me in many other ways. I expect Him to take care of the finances, so I'm not worried about it.



Konstantinos -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 8:26:01 PM)

quote:

If he's not internally motivated, then there's not much you can do...don't wait forever for him.


for lack of judging you like you judged this person's boyfriend... what do you have personally as internal motivation to make you work? do you think this person has the same stuff?

also how on earth will giving him an ultimatum as you put it will be internal motivation? nice motivation to get from your girlfriend... to me it sounds more like motivation one would get from their boss. since when does the bible say instead of respect, love, loyalty, being understanding and giving support, instead give out threats and deadlines? and you expect him that after threatening him he'll actually feel MORE like getting a job out of "loving you enough to get one"???? love? threats? really? the OP(if i remember correctly) said he does intend to get a job eventually. he has the right intentions. he knows he has to sometime.

honestly i see this as no matter for them not to get married because. thats why im more interested and asked her why shes not happy.



NotDoneYet -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 9:13:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Konstantinos

quote:

If he's not internally motivated, then there's not much you can do...don't wait forever for him.


for lack of judging you like you judged this person's boyfriend... what do you have personally as internal motivation to make you work? do you think this person has the same stuff?

Let's see...finishing a degree while working full time and raising a family??? I'd say I was motivated as heck there...now, I have children, a desire to live indoors and have heat, a/c, a nice car, hot and cold running water...yes, I drag my hindparts out of bed EVERY morning and work 40-55 hours a week...(oh, and I'm working on a business degree part time too)

also how on earth will giving him an ultimatum as you put it will be internal motivation? nice motivation to get from your girlfriend... to me it sounds more like motivation one would get from their boss. since when does the bible say instead of respect, love, loyalty, being understanding and giving support, instead give out threats and deadlines? and you expect him that after threatening him he'll actually feel MORE like getting a job out of "loving you enough to get one"???? love? threats? really? the OP(if i remember correctly) said he does intend to get a job eventually. he has the right intentions. he knows he has to sometime.

honestly i see this as no matter for them not to get married because. thats why im more interested and asked her why shes not happy.


Honey, it's like this...no $$, no home. no $$, no car. no $$, no medical insurance. no $$, no savings.
Loyalty, love, understanding and support is nice, but when the pantry and checking account are empty, that stuff becomes secondary.
Personally...I'd tell him, you have X amount of time to look for and find a job or I'm outta here..end of the discussion.

But I'm mean like that!

NDY



Wild-Rose -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 9:26:19 PM)

quote:

the OP(if i remember correctly) said he does intend to get a job eventually. he has the right intentions. he knows he has to sometime.


He intends to. Yes, we all agree he intends to. She is waiting for him to actually DO it. Big difference.



FullyAlive21 -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 10:28:15 PM)

OK I could tell him I want a break for the summer. I am not sure if that will help him personally though. It may, but I think he'll always be sincerely loving me and wanting to be with me. He's going to get a job, but again, he doesn't know what he wants to do now. But he's taking so long and he already says he's not ready for marriage and thats okay with me (for now) to wait for him. But I don't want to wait forever, again, and I don't want to manipulate him by telling him or giving him an ultimatum. I feel he has to know, he'll want to know, but I don't want to change his heart either. He needs to. I have no idea.



TMeeks -> RE: We want to get married and he has NO job!! (5/11/2008 10:33:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RatherDashing

I disagree with the majority of posters. Money isn't everything. Love is.

I plan on getting married in the next few years, while either attending or taking an online course for my degree in youth ministry. I've had one job in my lifetime. I saved and stocked the very little I made and gave a large percent back to God, and He blessed me in many other ways. I expect Him to take care of the finances, so I'm not worried about it.

Money certainly isn't everything. But, industriousness IS. Motivation IS. Responsibility IS. No one is saying that he has to be making a certain salary level. And, I'm not even sure it's a bad thing to take a few months off after a grueling educational pursuit. But, until he is ready and willing to show initiative, industriousness, motivation and responsibility, then marriage is the last thing that this young potential couple should be considering.

It's not what you've TRAINED to do that matters. It's what you do with what you've been trained. And, when it comes to marriage, saying love is everything is completely unscriptural, unless that love results in supporting his family with income... which means money in our culture.



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