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WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Wedding Rings (5/16/2008 8:56:00 AM)
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Pruned, I think you're comparing apples and oranges with Denise's and my posts.
In her quote, she is talking about jewelry that came from a marriage that ended in divorce; and she said the reason it would have bothered for her husband to keep such jewelry would be because of the adultery involved towards him from his former wife.
With me, CS's 2nd marriage ended because his wife died. They were deeply in love with each other throughout their entire marriage.
quote:
ORIGINAL: mmartiandt
If he had been widowed, I would have been completely ok with him keeping his old ring, since that's a completely different animal.
Everyone is different and each couple together is going to bring different circumstances to the relationship than that of any other couple and their relationship.
In my situation with CS, he didn't just have jewelry from his 2nd wife's marriage, his entire house was filled with her. They had built an entire life together - 22 years.
He also had somewhat of a shrine dedicated to her; a corner in the living room. He asked me once before we got married if I wanted him to do away with it. That was a tough question for me, on myriad of levels. I thought about that for a couple of weeks; but, ultimately, in my heart, I didn't feel that it was my right, privilege or even business to ask him to take it down, and I told him that whatever happened or not happened would have to be his decision.
He chose to leave it up. I admit to initially being a bit disappointed with his decision. But this was not a marriage that ended in divorce nor was anywhere close to such; this was a marriage that ended in death; and the 2 years prior to her death were a literal hell for CS, because his 2nd wife had Alzheimers and those last 2 years of her life were horrendous for both of them. For those reasons, I chose to intentionally stay out of that decision regarding whether to leave it up or take it down. But I deeply appreciated the fact that he asked me what I wanted him to do; ultimately, that in itself was enough for me regarding that situation.
CS loved me very much. I know this to be truth. I went through a brief time period of a few months last year questioning that, but Our Lord reminded me in very tangible and specific ways of CS's love for me.
He also loved his 2nd wife very much. If circumstances had been different and she had not died, then when I met CS, he would have been married to a woman to whom he loved very much. But circumstances weren't different, and when I met him, he was already a widower.
But that doesn't change the fact that he once was married and very much in love with another woman. Nor should it.
I loved and still do love CS very much. In those same few months last year when I was questioning if CS really did love me, I was also trying to deny that I still loved him. It was a very vulnerable time for me and it took me a while to reconcile it, but thankfully I have. The truth of the matter is that CS loved his 2nd wife and he also loved me. I loved CS while he was alive, and I currently still love him now that he isn't alive.
The further truth of the matter is that I will always love CS; love doesn't die when the spouse dies. I also know that CS never stopped loving his 2nd wife. At times that had been a painful realization for me; but it was also something that I deep-down understood, even when CS and I were married.
A person cannot nor should not stop loving someone simply because they are no longer alive. Being married to a widower or a widow comes with some unique challenges. Speaking specifically for myself, the ego part of me didn't really want to even be aware that there was this "other woman" in CS's life. My heart, however, could not reconcile such a cold and selfish attitude. And frankly, I don't think I could have loved CS as deeply as I did and do had he been the type of man who could just toss 22 years worth of love aside and forget about it simply because a new love had entered the picture.
Back to wedding rings and such . . .
If you are wondering whether you should get rid of your jewelry, that is something that only you and Our Lord can answer. If you want to keep the jewelry, keep it. If you want to dispose of it, then that's fine too. But please don't base what you do on any of our answers because in a situation such as this, there is no right or wrong answer; this isn't a moral or ethical question. It is, however, a deeply personal one. I would encourage you to pray about it and seek Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance
If man comes along and you still have things from a previous relationship, then I do think that at least a mentioning of those things to him would be in order.
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