When the loneliness is too much... (Full Version)

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Striving2BVirtuous -> When the loneliness is too much... (5/12/2008 10:50:44 PM)

Hello everyone. For some reason, I was in a serious serious serious funk this weekend about being single right now. I'm a 28 year old good looking woman and I have been single for over 2 1/2 years now. And I guess it's just really starting to be too much. Everyone that I know has recently gotten married in the past year or so. Or they are in serious relationships and I have another friend that is "shacking up" right now.

I guess my struggle right now is that I am in a point in my WALK to where being out with the girls at the club, is not appealing to me. And I am frustrated because it seems like I'm trying my hardest to walk the straight and narrow, but it feels like my options have gone down even more because there are certain places that I can not expose myself to as a Christian. And that's difficult when everyone else around me is enjoying relationships and the club scene and sexual gratification.

So I don't really know the purpose of this posting. I guess I'm just venting and I am in need of encouragement right about now. Success stories...anything would help right about now. I'm trying really hard to accept & appreciate the "SEASON" that I am in right now....Thanks everyone in advance for your responses...



sylvan -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/13/2008 12:44:28 AM)

quote:

I'm trying really hard to accept & appreciate the "SEASON" that I am in right now


That's philosophical to a degree and really how you have to approach it. The club scene is vacant and full of imposters, posers, etc. There is nothing there for you in the big picture, and you seem to know it. I was around your age when I came to that realization.

My advice is to truly accept the "SEASON". I discovered in my life that very very few peoply really know themselves. From an early age, we are pulled this way and pushed that way - by out parents, friends, significant others, etc. Use this time to get to know yourself. Forget about what your friends are doing. It seems like you are still in the "comparison mode" - and perhaps feeling a void because your friends are shacking up with random guys or whatever. I know the loneliness from being without someone - but, I've been much more lonely and MISERABLE being with someone out of a fear of loneliness. I actually like being alone because there is truth there. Going to clubs, hooking up with random people, etc. is fleeting. "Friends", aquaintances (and society in general), often try to make us feel like we're the one's missing out - but, they only do so to validate their own actions. For example, drunks don't like to drink alone....further, if you turn on the TV, every beer commericial, reality show, etc. tries to paint the image that you can only have fun with 'drink'. I used to believe that myself, but trust me, those notions lead to a dead end.

People have grown to fear isolation from a group, more than even death!

I want to encourage you in this "season" to truly get to know yourself - and to accept / appreciate that. You will fine peace there - and it will give you clarity and an acute sense of awareness. Strength. This will help you "recognize" the right person when they come along - and they will come along.

Your friends that don't know themselves will be shacked-up, married, miserable (w/ perhaps a disease or two mixed in), and divorced soon enough. People with no sense of self or value, work real hard to tear down those around them that do possess it - because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Start trusting and you will see.



deermousie -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/13/2008 1:28:41 AM)

I have some encouragement for you: I met the man of my dreams when I was 37. He was 31, and convinced he'd never get married (same as me). We met, clicked, and our friends, pastors and even a counselor were wildly in favor of the match. We weren't able to have half a dozen kids [:D] but we have one who makes up in quality what we missed in quantity! So there's hope!

I went years without dating because I was so discouraged by all the wimpy Christian guys. I went back to school, became a professional, did some short-term mission work, and made my life useful. Getting married was a joke to me at 28 - was never going to happen. Ha. God has His own plans. Like God said to Moses: What's in your hand? Do what you have in front of you and keep growing in the Lord. Your life won't be wasted no matter what happens, but there are some good Christian guys in your age range, and God is the Master Matchmaker (Isaac was 40 when God brought Rebecca to him). Trust Him because it's better to be relatively happy single than miserable married. I am praying for you tonight. (((hugs)))



deermousie -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/13/2008 1:29:41 AM)

Oh, and I met my husband on the phone. He was roommates with a guy I did high school ministry with at church.



preserved -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/13/2008 1:42:00 PM)

I truly feel where you are coming from...I am 48 and is in the same boat. However I did go on a singles site and have met some real nice men...One of whom I am waiting for when he returns from a job assignment in Africa...You may want to try...meanwhile enjoy your singlehood..I am also involved in various activities within the church...no it really does not take away the loneliness but it helps me not to focus so much on it:)



deermousie -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/13/2008 2:21:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved
I am also involved in various activities within the church...no it really does not take away the loneliness but it helps me not to focus so much on it:)


Preserved hit an important point here - being involved in "giving" to others results in "getting" for you. Maybe not one-on-one, and sometimes delayed, but fellowship and helping others is a blessing to all involved, especially the giver. "It's more blessed to give than receive" is true, and blessing can be translated as "happy."

Giving can be helping with the high school kids at church (I did that for 5 years, and I had a blast! I wasn't expecting that) or doing short-term mission work, or working in the local rescue mission kitchen. It doesn't scratch the itch of marriage but it does help with the loneliness and the fellowship and the feeling of doing something worthwhile.



preserved -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/13/2008 3:19:41 PM)

Thanks deermousie:)



mochatini -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/14/2008 11:18:38 AM)

For a second I went back and checked your username to make sure this wasn't a post from me! I'm exactly in the same boat - fun and attractive and serious.....and single. I don't have any close single girlfriends anymore. I don't even remember the last time I went "clubbing" because I knew it was something God didn't want me to do. It's just a waste of time y'know?

I have been so lonely I've often asked if it's time for me to just go to heaven and forget all of this pain. But I like the "season" comment. If it hasn't happened yet, then it's obviously for a reason. I've tried and tried on my own to find someone and it keeps failing. Obviously, because it's just not in
God's plan to be with anyone right now. I have a date tomorrow, but only because my godmother set me up. I'm not attracted to him at all. But you know what? It's a free dinner and potentially a new friend. I HAVE to see the positive of this. If not, I will spend the rest of my life depressed and miss the man of my dreams!



benelchi -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/15/2008 12:16:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Striving2BVirtuous

Hello everyone. For some reason, I was in a serious serious serious funk this weekend about being single right now. I'm a 28 year old good looking woman and I have been single for over 2 1/2 years now. And I guess it's just really starting to be too much. Everyone that I know has recently gotten married in the past year or so. Or they are in serious relationships and I have another friend that is "shacking up" right now.

I guess my struggle right now is that I am in a point in my WALK to where being out with the girls at the club, is not appealing to me. And I am frustrated because it seems like I'm trying my hardest to walk the straight and narrow, but it feels like my options have gone down even more because there are certain places that I can not expose myself to as a Christian. And that's difficult when everyone else around me is enjoying relationships and the club scene and sexual gratification.

So I don't really know the purpose of this posting. I guess I'm just venting and I am in need of encouragement right about now. Success stories...anything would help right about now. I'm trying really hard to accept & appreciate the "SEASON" that I am in right now....Thanks everyone in advance for your responses...


I absolutely understand where you are coming from; often it seems that following God's standards in this generation places an insurmountable obstacle to ever having a relationship at all. Nobody else seems to be following God's standards, and many seem to be getting away with it without consequences. When I truly look at the objective evidence for the benefits of doing relationships God's way, there really is no rational reason to choose to do anything else because it is clear that anything else IS going to bring far more pain into my life than waiting ever will; however, there are times when that deep longing within me can almost drown out rational thought; the allure of sin can be so very enticing. Ultimately we need to trust God and believe that he knows what is best for us, even when we don't understand why. For me that last part can be really hard because I have always been driven to understand everything around me, and when I can't figure something out it just feels like defeat. I am learning (very slowly) that there are just times that I have to accept that I may never understand and it is at those times I need to trust God the most.



Ganheim -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/16/2008 7:34:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Striving2BVirtuous

but it feels like my options have gone down even more because there are certain places that I can not expose myself to as a Christian. And that's difficult when everyone else around me is enjoying relationships and the club scene and sexual gratification.

If 'others have had it worse' is any consolation, I didn't even have clubs as an option. While I was in the army I was stationed overseas in this tiny little base kilometers away from everything else, and I didn't have a vehicle. The fact that I didn't drink also instantly labeled me a 'freak' because apparently everybody else in the unit thought it was not just a possibility but practically a duty to get drunk.

As for the people, well, even though now that I'm out I still haven't made any progress with that. I can count the number of people that I can call on one hand, and only one that's within distance for a feasible face-to-face meeting.



Prairiehiker -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/16/2008 8:13:58 PM)

I can relate to what you're feeling. I'm single and for most of my life, I was ok. I know I was always wanting to meet someone and fall in love and get married. I thought it would just happen. But it hasn't happened and I'm nearing 40. It's tough at times. Lately, Ive been feeling lonely and I feel like God has forgotten me. Someone sent me an article about lamentation and how in the bible, the great people of faith experience discouragement and the bible recorded their moments of despair. It's almost an encouragement to feel that it's ok to feel down and discourage and be able to voice those feelings to God. Often times, Christians discourage us from feeling our loneliness disappointments. It's like we're not allowed to feel those emotions when they are so real inside of us.

Having said that, it's really tough and the only thing I can advice you is to pray to God and then start makign changes to your life in order to deal with your loneliness. Start meeting people, get involve in some activities, maybe even plan a trip. Anything to give you something to look forward to. I know how difficult it is. I'm thinking that I might be facing a lifetime of singleness, and I don't want to spend my life miserable.



clownfish -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/17/2008 1:02:51 AM)

Striving,

Are you sure you are not me? I have a similar feeling, and I'm a guy. I've had many close friends of mine getting married over the past few years, and what was once a stronghold for emotional support in my life has disappeared.

I've never done the club/bar scene as well---don't even like the idea. So I totally support you in those thoughts.

It seems like my main personal requests from the Lord are encouragement and reassurance. Also, if I'm not the right spot physically or spiritually, I pray that God will guide me toward a point where He wants me to be.

We're not alone in our struggles. I'm confident in that.



pezz08 -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/17/2008 1:55:43 PM)

[;)] thanks for your insight. i needed to read something encouraging today.because im going thru the same thing. God bless you.



splost -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/17/2008 2:07:26 PM)

Hi sweetie,

Boy can I relate! I am 35 and my hormones sometimes hit the roof. I had a crush on someone 13 years younger than me! Yikes! God kept whispering to me that he was too young for me, not compatible, etc. But he's cute and he's attractive and I like him, I would say.

I know how you feel. In fact a friend gave me a copy of a prayer for a husband and it has really helped me. One thing I want to tell you this prayer says is it's not wrong to want one, and yes you can pray for someone you are physically, emotinally and mentaly attracted to. Part of the prayer says to "keep me from attaching myself to another man out of desperation. I will not settle for a relationship second best, convenient and one that feeds my insecurities."

This really ministered to me (and still is, I had to pull it out again this morning).

The feelings for this man got so bad that I had to go online and research infatuation vs love.

Infatuation's feelings are just as real, but the guy said that "infatuation is an exciting roller coaster to heartache." That really soberred me up.

Think about a snicker bar. Oh it tastes soooo good. After we eat it, within the hour, some of us crash, and some of us feel sick. We wish we didn't eat it.

I describe my crush as a snicker bar.

I empathize with what you are going through sooo much. Think of how strong you will be when you do meet that right person. Keep telling yourself (even if you have to write it on your steering wheel with a stickie note) I will not settle for what is second best, convenient, or one that feeds my insecurities.

You will get through this, hang out with some girlfriends. Take scripture with you wherever you go.



Ashyah -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/19/2008 6:12:25 PM)

Yes, some christians will try to make you think that your feelings are idolizing someone.
This is what I have been told. I have been separated from my husband for two years without a single word from him. I now have been seeing him at our daughters house and it is causing me to feel some feelings of loneliness all over again.
I thought that I had healed had even started thinking about divorce.
Last December a client asked me out to dinner to thank me for a good job done. We ended having three dates within a one and half week period. Even though I tried to convince myself that it wasn't dates I knew it was wrong. Even though I rode in my own car and didnt tell him where I lived. We had no physical contact. He would try to hold my hand and I pulled away and brought up friendship a lot. After the third date he stopped calling me. Even though my female friends don't call me sometimes for months I took this one because he was a male as another rejection from a man and got depressed.

From now on I am going to be very careful.

I am longing to make friends and go out and have clean fun. I have found no Christian groups that do this. The only ones I have found are seculair and involve things that I would not do. If I go I will turn up doing those things.

The loneliness is hard to deal with. And, you feel that the only way to get over it is with another relationship which is not a good idea. You will be attracted to the same type of person that you were with.



jaimestarcross -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/20/2008 11:03:40 AM)

Appreciate the Season by reaching out to others who
need your help --- maybe a short term mission in another country
or something within the USA in an area where people are hurting and
struggling to get by.
It probably wouldn't hurt to seek out new friends who aren't in a serious/dating
relationship. Nothing is more to depressing (IMHO) than when I was still single
and all my friends were in serious relationships or getting married... it really
knocked me over when the little girl I use to babysit got married before Me!

Pray about the matter and see in which direction the Lord guides you.



Striving2BVirtuous -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/20/2008 2:44:22 PM)

Hello splost...if you don't mind, would you please PM me a copy of that prayer? I'm pretty interested in that....


Thanks everybody for your responses. It's very encouraging to know that I am not alone in the way that I feel.



Anamchara -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/21/2008 2:55:52 PM)

I feel your pain, same boat here! I know that God has my best interest in mind, and that is encouraging to me :) I have to put my faith/trust in HIm..he knows what tomorrow brings for us single ones. Some day it will all be clear to us!



CoachSteve -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/26/2008 8:24:26 PM)

how do you enjoy your single hood when all your friends are married?



HellHathNoFuryAtAll -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/27/2008 10:49:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Striving2BVirtuous

Hello everyone. For some reason, I was in a serious serious serious funk this weekend about being single right now. I'm a 28 year old good looking woman and I have been single for over 2 1/2 years now. And I guess it's just really starting to be too much. Everyone that I know has recently gotten married in the past year or so. Or they are in serious relationships and I have another friend that is "shacking up" right now.

I guess my struggle right now is that I am in a point in my WALK to where being out with the girls at the club, is not appealing to me. And I am frustrated because it seems like I'm trying my hardest to walk the straight and narrow, but it feels like my options have gone down even more because there are certain places that I can not expose myself to as a Christian. And that's difficult when everyone else around me is enjoying relationships and the club scene and sexual gratification.

So I don't really know the purpose of this posting. I guess I'm just venting and I am in need of encouragement right about now. Success stories...anything would help right about now. I'm trying really hard to accept & appreciate the "SEASON" that I am in right now....Thanks everyone in advance for your responses...




I'm having the same problem. My Ex left me a few months ago. God found me and saved me. I live alone. I have friends, but they live in other cities. I often find myself reverting back to old habits and mistakes. I used to be addicted to pornography. I still struggle with the temptation, but God has helped me so much with it. I am 25 years old and I'm a pretty humble person. Being lonely is probably the one thing I hate most. I know that the Lord is always with me but it's that need for the love of another human I can't seem to shake. I don't like to go outside an awful lot unless I'm going hiking or something like that. I hate public places like clubs and malls. I guess we just have to wait it out and try to be patient with God's will. He's brought us this far and he's not about to give up on us. When I'm lonely, I talk to people on the phone or study my Bible. Just try to stay on the right path and I promise you that we'll be fine. Remember, you are not alone in your struggles.

God Bless



Striving2BVirtuous -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/27/2008 11:48:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HellHathNoFuryAtAll

quote:

ORIGINAL: Striving2BVirtuous

Hello everyone. For some reason, I was in a serious serious serious funk this weekend about being single right now. I'm a 28 year old good looking woman and I have been single for over 2 1/2 years now. And I guess it's just really starting to be too much. Everyone that I know has recently gotten married in the past year or so. Or they are in serious relationships and I have another friend that is "shacking up" right now.

I guess my struggle right now is that I am in a point in my WALK to where being out with the girls at the club, is not appealing to me. And I am frustrated because it seems like I'm trying my hardest to walk the straight and narrow, but it feels like my options have gone down even more because there are certain places that I can not expose myself to as a Christian. And that's difficult when everyone else around me is enjoying relationships and the club scene and sexual gratification.

So I don't really know the purpose of this posting. I guess I'm just venting and I am in need of encouragement right about now. Success stories...anything would help right about now. I'm trying really hard to accept & appreciate the "SEASON" that I am in right now....Thanks everyone in advance for your responses...




I'm having the same problem. My Ex left me a few months ago. God found me and saved me. I live alone. I have friends, but they live in other cities. I often find myself reverting back to old habits and mistakes. I used to be addicted to pornography. I still struggle with the temptation, but God has helped me so much with it. I am 25 years old and I'm a pretty humble person. Being lonely is probably the one thing I hate most. I know that the Lord is always with me but it's that need for the love of another human I can't seem to shake. I don't like to go outside an awful lot unless I'm going hiking or something like that. I hate public places like clubs and malls. I guess we just have to wait it out and try to be patient with God's will. He's brought us this far and he's not about to give up on us. When I'm lonely, I talk to people on the phone or study my Bible. Just try to stay on the right path and I promise you that we'll be fine. Remember, you are not alone in your struggles.

God Bless


Thank you so much for sharing that. Several are still struggling with pornography. Keep praying on that and I will pray for you as well.

On the original topic....I've even gotten to the point where I turn the channel if a couple starts kissing. I can't even listen to love songs anymore. TV & radio just serves as a reminder that I am single. "SEX AND THE CITY" was the final show I had to cut out...lol....I still sneak a peak every once and awhle. (I know that's bad. Work with me folks[;)])I'm at a point where I listen to praise and worship day in and day out...and I try to monitor what I watch on TV. Because it sends my thoughts towards longing and lonliness. Sigh.....[&o]



deermousie -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/28/2008 12:21:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wishIKnew
how do you enjoy your single hood when all your friends are married?


How did you enjoy high school when some of your friends had cars already? How would you enjoy a baby when your friends' kids ere acting in school plays? I'm not being snotty here, but pointing out lives are always different from each other.

We enjoy life as God gives it to us, because we know that God isn't withholding any good thing (Ps. 84:11). If we'd be better off with someone else, God would have provided it. If He doesn't provide it, it wasn't a good thing compared to what we have now. If we'd rather have what someone else has, we show we don't think God is being good enough for us and we covet. Coveting is sin (and this is not arm-chair theology - God just showed me that I was coveting in an area, and it totally took me by surprise. I had to confess and repent it, and I think I'll probably be doing this minute by minute for the next few weeks until my brain and character get wrapped around this in God's way. At least, I hope it doesn't take longer than that! [:)] )

That doesn't mean are worse off or God is punishing us; far from it. He wants us to be holy, and hard times teach us things and make us better people:

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation Rom. 5: 3,4

So rejoice that you are single (your friends might be envying you, too) and trust that God knows what He's doing, and that He's promised good things for you.

(spoken by someone who was single until age 38 [:)])

Ooh, ooh, look at this!

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ 1 Pet. 1:6,7



HellHathNoFuryAtAll -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/28/2008 12:58:31 AM)

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Pornography is what's single-handedly destroyed my life. I feel so much better these days though.
I don't have the guilt and resentment that comes with an addiction. I'm glad things have turned out the way they have. I don't even have cable anymore. I have netflix and it's better because I can choose what I want to see and I'm not subject to any gratuitous or explicit content. I find that listening to positive praise or Christian music keeps me on the right track. We all deal with being lonely, especially when we're trying to leave our old lives behind.
God gives us all an escape from sin and it's really up to us whether or not we're strong enough to fight the temptation and fight the good fight.
I've learned that through any manner of storms, if we just lay down and submit to God's will, the storm will pass over us but the more we fight it the more it pushes us back. I've also learned that there is truly something demonic about pornography and it steals your soul.

God Bless You



coinpurse -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/28/2008 9:53:10 AM)

Just the wake-up call I needed.

quote:

If we'd be better off with someone else, God would have provided it. If He doesn't provide it, it wasn't a good thing compared to what we have now. If we'd rather have what someone else has, we show we don't think God is being good enough for us and we covet. Coveting is sin (and this is not arm-chair theology - God just showed me that I was coveting in an area, and it totally took me by surprise



Striving2BVirtuous -> RE: When the loneliness is too much... (5/28/2008 1:31:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

quote:

ORIGINAL: wishIKnew
how do you enjoy your single hood when all your friends are married?


How did you enjoy high school when some of your friends had cars already? How would you enjoy a baby when your friends' kids ere acting in school plays? I'm not being snotty here, but pointing out lives are always different from each other.

We enjoy life as God gives it to us, because we know that God isn't withholding any good thing (Ps. 84:11). If we'd be better off with someone else, God would have provided it. If He doesn't provide it, it wasn't a good thing compared to what we have now. If we'd rather have what someone else has, we show we don't think God is being good enough for us and we covet. Coveting is sin (and this is not arm-chair theology - God just showed me that I was coveting in an area, and it totally took me by surprise. I had to confess and repent it, and I think I'll probably be doing this minute by minute for the next few weeks until my brain and character get wrapped around this in God's way. At least, I hope it doesn't take longer than that! [:)] )

That doesn't mean are worse off or God is punishing us; far from it. He wants us to be holy, and hard times teach us things and make us better people:

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation Rom. 5: 3,4

So rejoice that you are single (your friends might be envying you, too) and trust that God knows what He's doing, and that He's promised good things for you.

(spoken by someone who was single until age 38 [:)])

Ooh, ooh, look at this!

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ 1 Pet. 1:6,7


AWESOME POST DEER MOUSE!! I will meditate on eveything you said in this post....Thank you!



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