teenager - overextended - too much stress (Full Version)

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stateofgrace -> teenager - overextended - too much stress (5/14/2008 3:14:45 PM)

A few months ago I wrote about my younger daughter having what appeared to be occasional anxiety attacks. She and I discussed her going to see a professional counselor or even talking with one of the youth leaders at church. She felt that things weren't so bad and that if she felt stressed, she would approach a youth leader herself concerning talking about it - IOW, she didn't want Mom contacting the youth leader and making the appointment. Now, she is on very good, familiar terms with a number of the paid and volunteer youth staff members at church, so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Now, I'm realizing that two big reasons for this stress she's feeling are 1) unrealistic expectations (even a bit of entitlement) on her part and 2) way overextending herself activity-wise.

A little background. DD is 15 and a freshman in high school. We've been going to our church since before she was born. She has many friends at church. She has a serious relationship with the Lord and attends both the weekly youth service and the weekly bible study as well as church on Sunday.

Our church has a lot of involvement with the performing arts and my daughter has been involved since she was 5 years old. In the last few years she has taken dance classes, been on a dance team, been involved in the youth choir, as well as other performing arts activities at church. She has a keen interest in dance. She is not necessarily professional dancer material. During the last few school years, she has been attending classes and rehearsals for dance three nights a week. Between dance and other youth activities she has been at the church Monday through Thursday evenings for several hours most weeks.

Her grades in a couple of classes have slipped this grading period. This really concerns me.

Now, her response to all this is that many of the dance team members are either home schooled or attend a private school that has been set up so that they attend classes only part of the week and study/research/work at home the rest of the week (the school was originally set up for home schooling families that needed additional resources for high school level classes). My daughter says that she wants a schooling situation that can be arranged more flexibly around her dance classes. My response to this, other than the fact that I can't home school or send her to this private school her at this point (I can go more into this later but I do have valid reasons) is that ANY type of educational alternative is going to need to be a priority, and just because someone at high school age is home schooled doesn't mean that they can make their education a lower priority than an activity like dance.

It is true that a number of the "core" group of girls at church who are really into the performing arts are home schooled (not all of them by any means). And many of these girls are the "in" group both in popularity in the youth group overall as well as getting plum roles in the dance, choir, and drama productions over the years (no way are these Gothard families, if you haven't guessed). So...there is an element in all this of wanting to be secure in the popular group and be recognized as successful (to which my daughter says, "but aren't you glad that my main peer group is Christian kids").

Well, to sum up...she's overloaded and stressed. Her sister has been driving her to school and picking her up most days (for a freshman, this is a real luxury, and yet my daughter feels entitled). She's getting really frustrated when she doesn't get the solo, or the speaking role, or in the small group dance ensemble. She's freaking out over little things. And she has no time at home to do even minor chores. Today she wrote on the bathroom mirror that she hated her life.

I feel like DH and I need to put our foot down about dance team next year and reduce the amount of time weekly she's involved with dance. This is not going to go over well with her, as you can imagine.

Tonight I'm going to take her to dinner at our favorite cheap Asian restaurant to talk about all this. I'm praying for wisdom.

Anyone else have kids that have gotten overextended in an area of interest, when even something generally good and healthy became too much? How did you restore balance to their lives?



astockto -> RE: teenager - overextended - too much stress (5/15/2008 3:41:00 AM)

I have no kids, but I was recently a teenager in a role of luxury and entitlement. Forbidding me did NOT work at all..... but candid, honest conversations about my role in the house and my relationships with my family did work. My mom once, clearly and candidly, after a free talent show at the library I didn't want to perform at, asked me why I only wanted to participate in recitals that cost money. I confess I didn't have a good answer, I didn't realize what I was doing to the family financially, I only knew that some recitals gave me more fame and others brought about more than a bit of ridicule. Then she did the worst thing ever - she cried, and she told me how it was hard to support some things and how the rest of the family didn't see a difference between them and the free stuff. When I was 16 at a state sponsored boarding school, I wanted to stay for my birthday weekend. She sounded so sad when I told her, I had to work out a compromise - I'd stay for my boarding school birthday party, and run home the second it was over. I have alternate stories of what happened when my mom forbid me to do things or just said those "you can't" words.... none of them are pretty, but if you want to share stories feel free to ask.



evryknee -> RE: teenager - overextended - too much stress (5/16/2008 8:03:21 AM)

stateofgrace - There are some other heart issues to be addressed as well. It seems that your daughter may be developing her sense of worth in both performance and other people's opinions, and not in God or Christ. This motive in her heart is causing the fruit of her anxieties, the depression, the overexerting herself, etc.
I think it is this that needs to be addressed more so than "removing her" from something she enjoys, but iit is very practical that she cuts back - so maybe giving her the choice of what to cut back. Maybe studying the Seach For Significance-Student Edition may help with her finding her identity through Christ, rather than performance or others opinions.



stateofgrace -> RE: teenager - overextended - too much stress (5/16/2008 8:46:35 AM)

Thanks for the suggestion, YZGUY. I'll look into it.



Row1 -> RE: teenager - overextended - too much stress (5/16/2008 11:59:01 AM)

i agree with yzguy.
i worry that she gets to see herself as a decent person only if she meets some level of expectation.

this could include her parents!

spend some time thinking abt all of your interactions. do you pay great attn to her in fun things, like talking abt non-achievement-oriented things like movies, clothes, etc.? do you play games and take walks?

Or is there a lot of family talk devoted to keeping up with, and how to perform well, in school, grades, etc.? With all of those Church activities, it is possible that church has turned into yet another place to get involved, perform, in a judgmental context: not as in are you the best choir member, but as in there is a certain level of practice rehearsal and performance standard expected of choir members.

this has been hard for me as the stepfather of a teenage girl. i worry abt performance type things like how she is doing in school, and i get upset abt chores not being done, or being done poorly. i have to figure out ways to talk to her and and spend time with her at things that have no performance-level involved.

this is very important for her. otherwise, the stress goes up. if i start getting on her case abt homework, she gets so panicked she actually can't think, and she gives foolish answers. she perceives the evaluation part of this, but is not calm enough t orealize i am on her side, and really asking simple, straightforward questions. like how long is some writing assignment supposed to be?

so, i have transferred a lot of that stuff to my wife and a tutor. i will take my stepdaughter shopping, or just hang around and watch a movie with her - for her, this is quality time, while it seems like wasting time to me. but still i do it because in the home she needs time with us that is non-performance, non-evaluative. i even had to get non-evaluative when she was beginning to drive. i even stayed calm on our first drive, when she went up over a curb. i wanted her to have a calm sense when driving, not a sense like: 'my stepfather is just waiting to criticize me.' (this was not easy.)

i don't know if that makes sense. but i really can notice when for some parents every thing has some evaluation and performance flavor to it. kids learn (wrongly) that things are not 'OK' and they themselves are not 'OK' unless they are working, and performing well.

if she can't ever sit still and hang out without doing or starting something, this may be a sign that she is getting into a style of life where she is constantly evaluating herself in many ways, and can't just sit down and chill out.



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