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mrtigger -> RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work (5/16/2008 8:27:31 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jeremiahtor
I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply. You're giving me good, and consistent, advice.
I'm still baffled as to what caused this. I can understand developing a crush on someone you've known for a while--but this was just out of the blue, like catching a disease.
Been there done that. Some years ago on a forum, I wrote something almost just like what you have written. My issue ended badly, but not as bad as it could have been. So, please listen to me as I've been in the same place as you are...
I did not understand why feelings existed. Like you, I barely knew the woman. I chatted with her now and then but all totaled, I had spent only maybe an hour or two talking to her. She was kind of cute but not exceptionally attractive. It was an emotional thing. At times, I did feel like she was flirting but I really could not figure her out.
No good reason for it but she had a big effect on me and the feelings were very strong. Later I figured some of it out but I probably will never fully understand why it happened.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do about it. I endlessly debated whether to leave, stay & endure it, talk to her and straighten it out, etc. Like you I even thought for a while that I could turn it into a friendship and diminish it that way. The situation seems like something that should be fixable but in retrospect, I don't think any way out of it is free of pain or loss of some kind. It's a "pick the least bad" kind of situation.
I think if I had talked to her early and set some boundaries, that might have worked. The perception of her flirting was a big part of what was feeding my feelings. It would have helped me a lot to be able to clear the air early in that regard.
This woman is 20 years younger than you. Because of the age difference I say it is very unlikely that woman is intending anything other than friendliness with you. I hope that helps a little. My own problem was a only few years younger than me.
I wouldn't recommend talking to her about it. Its a sensitive issue and a discussion of it can get really hot & hostile very quickly. Maybe a discussion can work in some situations with some women but I think it is more likely that a discussion of it will turn out bad.
In retrospect, I should have just left the situation. It was not as big a deal for me as it was at church, not at my job. If there is a way you can leave that job, or somehow arrange it that you are not around her, I think that is the best thing to do. It does not seem satisfactory to leave but I think it is the best solution for that situation. A job is a lot tougher to leave than a church though.
I tried to stay. I liked the church & my wife liked the church & the group and I wanted to stay. So I decided to just tough it out and work on killing the crush. I thought I could but instead the feelings got stronger over the next few months.
I did not tell my wife initially. That was another mistake. I felt I could kill the crush and she would not ever have to know of it or be hurt by it. But it did not take long for her to sense that something was wrong and start asking questions. Then, I still hoped to kill it off and denied anything was a problem. Maybe if I had actually been able to kill the crush without my wife sensing anything, maybe it would have been best to leave it never said. But for sure, as soon as she sensed it, I should have fessed up about it to her. Keeping it from her magnified my stress level and added to her hurt when I eventually did fess up. So, that was another mistake on my part.
So, I think you should talk to your wife about what is going on. ( I'm assuming you haven't already). I think you should first talk to a pastor and/or a counseler though and get their opinion on it. It will be touchy.
I never did figure my feelings out entirely but they existed because she was feeding something that I needed emotionally. At the time, I was in an emotional funk and feeling a bit distant from my wife. Although my wife was trying, I did not feel appreciated or like I was a good husband. This had lingered for some years and I think I had one foot out of my marriage at that point. I was having a mid-life funk and it turned into a depression. This womans attention made me feel better, at least for a while. I got addicted to it. At that point, I started cold shouldering her but it was too late. I was addicted to the fantasy of her and it lived on in my head.
So, I guess this woman feeds you something that you feel you need. Your wife should be feeding that need instead. Figure out what it is and fix it. That is easier said than done though. In the midst of it, I had no good understanding of why it was happening. It wasn't until later I was able to sort things out and understand what was driving it. But that's what you have to do. Counselers can help somewhat with that.
Do not underestimate how serious this kind of situation is. Some marriages wind up ending because of these kind of things.
I will say there is hope. My wife & I had some difficult times but we worked through it. The problem forced me and my wife to work on the issues and my marriage is better now for it.
I'm sorry I've rambled... I still have a lot of emotions from that time.
I wish you well. I don't pray very much so I won't say I will pray but I hope you will keep us posted here on how it is going...
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