How do you deal with this? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> HomeSchool Support



Message

W.O.F. -> How do you deal with this? (5/25/2008 10:41:22 AM)

I have my oldest homeschool student about to graduate. She will be finishing up next year. I am not ready for this!

I have other children to school still...next year I will have, besides her, a 9th grader, a 4th grader and a kindergartner, as well as my preschool age daughter....

but I am NOT ready for one of my fledglings to be done yet! I KNOW she is ready though.

How have you dealt with the myriad of emotions that come with this?



Ellie-Mae -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/25/2008 4:12:40 PM)

I plan to just keep adding more grade levels.[;)]



Homegrownkids -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/25/2008 4:44:27 PM)

Just out of curiosity, what does your daughter want to do after she graduates?



shadowspring -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/25/2008 5:15:14 PM)

If she wants to go to college, apply early and often! [;)]



bzirk -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/25/2008 6:10:16 PM)

It's helped a little for my husband and I to have lots of talks with our daughter about her hopes and plans. This is almost a daily discussion. Of course we've had the benefit of her staying here for the first two years of college. This time next year I might be singing a different tune about what helps. This summer she and her sister and another young lady we have known for years are going to NYC for a week so that my oldest can speak to the counselors at the school where she plans to be next year. That seems on the other side of the world from Colorado. Hopefully, this trip will be helpful for my husband and I as well. It's hard to see her go off just on a week long trip. This is a baby step for us to get used to it. [8D]

Other than that, I pray a lot about her future and her future mate. For a year before she graduated I would wake up anxious from dreams about her being gone from home because it came too fast. The Lord has alleviated some of that, and I'm actually looking forward to her being able to pursue the things she's interested in, but oh am I going to miss her.



singingmom -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/25/2008 8:54:59 PM)

I can just say, consider yourself so blessed to have more than one. I know the emotions are just the same, but I'm not looking fwd to the day when my "only one" leaves the nest. I can't even think about it now w/o getting all teary eyed... LOL Maybe it's worse with more than one, because you have to do it multiple times! [:D]

He's only going into 6th, but still... it's coming! I want to do "Home-college" LOL

I'm looking fwd to what all of you say..... I will be praying for you.... I know it is hard.



JuliaHop -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 12:30:12 AM)

WOF: I had a lot of emotions with my first graduating. The emotions ranged from joy my "baby" made it that far, and tears that my baby was grown. I thought it would get easier with my 2nd...nope...same emotions. Thankfully I still have one more "baby" to raise (even though we no longer home educate).

Now I am facing the next step...my "baby" has finished college and grad school, and is finished with the youth portion of life. Argh...pretty soon I will need to face a lot more changes!!



cynthia -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 12:57:07 AM)

ATTENTION: MODERATOR'S NOTE: ATTENTION


This thread is now off topic.

Please re-read the OP. It is about children finishing with school, but it's not about the ins and outs of college acceptance. That is another topic and you (whomever would like to) ought to feel free to start a thread on that topic.

This is about the emotions of dealing with finishing up homeschooling one of your children and how to cope with that as a Christian mother.

Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message as I am unable to discuss it further.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns. Please allow time for a response.


There is an explanation about why we cannot discuss moderator action and why not to send moderators PMs about moderator action, if you would like further information click the following link.
Why can't we discuss moderator action?

Sincerely,
Cynthia, Forums Volunteer



JuliaHop -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 1:34:04 AM)

In reference to children growing up, I do recommend that you be prepared for the "quiet" that will descend upon your home.

I did not like the quiet when my first graduated and was gone all day and when my 2nd started college (and the youngest "baby" entered school) the silence in my home was deafening. Suddenly after 18 years as a SAHM and all of the noise involved, I was alone. I realized that I had never been that alone in my life:

When I was a child, I was in school and constantly surrounded by noise.

I lived at home until I married and was part of the noise in that home.

Before becoming a SAHM I worked for 9.5 years of married life...my days had
noise (even if it was only the noise of a typewriter...yes, I am older).

I was a sahm for 18 years even though I only homeschooled for 8 of those
years.

I found that I couldn't be alone with the silence. I had spent nearly 2 decades in an environment where I was either physically with my family or keeping busy running errands to meet our families needs (even when my first two were in school I was a very active volunteer ...Sunday school teacher, scout leader, PTA board, library volunteer, homeroom mom, etc...).

My family still keeps me very busy, and I still have a pre-teen child, but I found that getting a part-time job was the ideal solution for me. It is a non-stress type of employment (I'd already done the stressful job life before I had children). It is part time so that I am able to meet my families physical/emotional needs while enabling me to earn money for tuition. I continue in my volunteer work at church, but, I'd done a lot of service work before I began to homeschool so I don't feel an urge to fill my time with volunteer hours outside of church.

I am thankful that I have been able to fill the silence while still meeting the needs of my family!



W.O.F. -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 6:47:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Homegrownkids

Just out of curiosity, what does your daughter want to do after she graduates?

She is not sure...but is leaning towards either a degree in meteorology because she would love to be a storm chaser (you know those crazy people who chase tornadoes...can you tell she was born and bred in Kansas even though we moved to Eastern US when she was 8?) or something in biochemistry/pathology, or forensic science.

She has a couple of colleges that she is interested in....because any college she goes to not only has to have offerings in the degrees she'd like, but also has to have drama opportunities and violin opportunities (she is a talented violinist).

At this point right now, she is looking at NOT going to college full time the first year after graduation, but at taking her CLEP tests and picking up any other needed credits from the local community college or even the local state university (there are 3 community colleges and 2 universities within a 30 mile radius here) by going part-time and working part-time. One reason she wants to do this is because she wants to make sure that she can meet her end of the financial obligations of college rather than take on large loans that can be a pain to pay back and really force you to take any job rather than a job in your field (not that she wouldn't work anyway, but that need to pay back the loan can force you to get locked into a job not in your field and out of your field!)....

ShadowSpring,

I am sorry for all that you are going through with your kids. Being wait listed does not necessarily mean that they won't get in though...but does mean they should perhaps look at other options as the wait may be a while (kind of like flying standby).

I do KNOW that you have NOT failed them in any way what so ever!


Bzirk,

I, too, have been praying about her future and her future mate if God chooses for her to be married...I've been doing it since she was born! It just has simply gone way too fast. It was just yesterday that she was born after 8 hours of labor, right? Just yesterday that she was small enough to fit on my shoulder? Where did that time go?

She is going on a 3 week trip to the UK this summer...that is our baby step to get used to the idea of her being grown up. She is tremendously excited about it, even though she is scared of going to college (funny huh...going across the ocean and being that far away from us is exciting where going to college that would at most be only 2 days drive away is scary?)

I am not sure I am ready for this...but I do know the Father has given me what I need to parent a nearly adult child, and to let her go. I didn't raise her to be a cripple or nestling forever....I just wasn't ready for her to be ready to spread her wings so soon!

JuliaHop

Thank you for warning me about the quiet. We have experienced it in small bites when one of the kids has gone for camp or to visit grandparents, etc...but to think about it being for weeks an weeks on end is overwhelming...but yeah, something we need to prepare for!

I agree...the tears are of joy that she has done so well and has succeeded in many different areas, and tears of "oh my goodness....my baby is a young lady all grown up!"



W.O.F. -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 7:10:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae

I plan to just keep adding more grade levels.[;)]

I tried that....she just kept working faster and harder! LOL



IonMoon -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 9:24:32 AM)

Maybe I am a horrible mother, but I have not experienced this. I have wondered what I will feel when my kids are both out of the house (can't say for sure)... but right now, I am more than ready for my ds to move on.

My ds actually graduated last year, but has not yet clearly planned where he is headed. We told him he could live here after graduating as long as he has a job or is in school. If he moved out today, I would be thrilled.

I don't know... I look at it as wanting to see my kids stand on their own and be successful (at whatever), productive adults. I have been giving him increasing independence since he was little and I also have been giving myself increasing independence, if that makes sense. I love my kids and enjoy spending time with them, but I have a lot of other interests.

Maybe it is because I tend to be a very goal-oriented person... having them move out and survive with the skills I have helped them develop is my longterm parenting goal...

Tara P



shadowspring -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 2:21:29 PM)

Thanks for the encouragement, W.O.F!

I deleted my earlier post because it sort of hi-jacked your thread. Sorry! [:(]

I am wanting to see my students safely tucked away on a college campus somewhere. I think they already know all I have to teach them, and it's time to go put it into practice.

But since they will most likely still live at home for a year and attend community college, it's going to take longer than I hoped.



ezri -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 5:33:27 PM)

WOF,

I am thinking that with my eldest being at the community college part time now(dual enrollment) for 2 years and her wanting to continue there to finish her associates in fine arts :music I have had a slow transition into the college thing. the initial feeling was one of panic! I have to do what? wait a minute--- that is a huge stack of paperwork! and WE take it where? when?

talk about pulling hair out.

THEN she found out that lol! she had to APPLY to be accepted into the college again because she was no longer dual enrolled after she graduated high school. How silly is that? she has been going for 2 years! I am just happy we found out in time.

The emotions were high at the time though. We had to stop at one point after being sent BACK to the library for something a second time after standing in a line for near half an hour... and just look at each other and breathe.

I cannot imagine her having to of gone through that all by herself. I cannot imagine me having to go through that all by myself. Glad she was there for me, and me for her.

dealing?

Talking a lot. She has always been very open with me about what's going on. She said last year that her goal was to be a private music teacher- she did some research and found that having at least the associates in fine arts: music would help her out. She has discussed this with the music director at the community college and he understands what her goals are and that she will need to be a jack of all instruments and master of none to do what she wants to do. He near freaked when he saw her walk in with a trombone last semester instead of her french horn. he told her that she could take her horn to the NC symphony. She was blessed by the complement but she is not sure that is where God is leading her.

PRAYER- yeah, She seems to feel comfortable that the path right now is to pursue this degree so it is my job to pray for her clarity and that she remains in prayer herself about what God would have her do.

I am having a harder time dealing with the young man that has come courting that the transition from high school to college.

~ezri



Sunnymom -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/26/2008 7:48:41 PM)

My attitude, or at least what I always tell myself, is that I am trying to work myself out of a job. That as my kids get older, we make the transition from Mother to counselor/friend. That if I am still parenting my kids when they are in their twenties, I haven't done a good job of preparing them for adulthood. And I really do believe that. I know it is right attitude with every fiber of my being. Like Tara, I want my kids to move on with their lives.

My oldest graduated two years ago, and joined the Army. In spite of the fact that I was happy for him and knew he was ready to go on to the next phase of his life, it felt like having him ripped from my arms. Me- the ol' hard-headed unsentimental just-the-facts-ma'am was a blubbering fool for two months. I didn't sleep, could barely eat, and was totally on autopilot.[&:]Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sunnymom came unglued. I still can't believe it affected me that way, but it did. I'll blame it on menopause.[sm=thumbsup.gif]

Your brain can tell you all the right things, but only God can comfort your heart.[:)]



cynthia -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/27/2008 1:37:58 AM)

I feel for you ladies, including your disappointment Shadowspring. There are so many complicated and confusing steps along the way in order to make sure that our kids get the opportunities we want for them. On top of all that, we have the emotion of doing all that just so they can leave. Ouch! I want my children to live out the destiny that the Lord has for them, but really hope that means they're going to be reasonably close by. I cannot stand the thought of them moving far away or going away to college. Away meaning out of state. I guess I have wrapped my life up in my kids and need to start dealing with this issue before it hits me between the eyes and I completely fall apart. I am crazy about my kids. The older they get, the better our relationship, the more I think it will be horrid if they move very far away.



IonMoon -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/27/2008 7:49:25 AM)

Cynthia,

I think it would bw much harder to deal with if your relationship with your children is NOT strong and healthy.

But, yeah, you should start to think about it now and prepare both your children and yourslef for that eventual separation. It is really, IMO, not healthy when (and it is very common among home schoolers & SAHM) a mom's entire self worth, time, etc is caught up in her children or activities surrounding parenthood.

Remember that even when your kids leave- not matter how far away they go, with today's technology they are always going to be available to you! This is really the first time in history when people separate by oceans (Even our loved ones at war!) can pick up the phone, can send an email, can instant message, send photos and videos in seconds. And it is all cheap enough that you don't even hy moved out aave to watch the clock as you talk.

My advice to people who are approaching that transitional time is to take up some activity that can be started now, but expanded later. A lot of people say, when the kids leave home I'll do ____________. But the problem with that is two-fold. It is hard to start something new when you are feeling down. You need some consistency, something predictable to help feel stable when big changes come along.

My mil fell apart when my dh finally moved out at 20 something. And if she had her way, he wouldn't have moved then. It caused problems in a couple of ways: she meddled in our lives because she couldn't let go and she had never allowed my dh to develop independence and skills he needed to be independent. Granted, she is an extreme case who actively tried to prevent her child from becoming an adult, but I see degrees of this a lot.

Tara P



Sunnymom -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/27/2008 7:58:59 AM)

quote:

... you should start to think about it now and prepare both your children and yourslef for that eventual separation. It is really, IMO, not healthy when (and it is very common among home schoolers & SAHM) a mom's entire self worth, time, etc is caught up in her children or activities surrounding parenthood.


This is good advice. And it is a good testimony to one's children that you have interests and your own 'identity'. They need to see balance in our lives.

I have always talked to my kids about how the knowledge they acquire will be used when they are on their own. They probably hear me say something every day about what life will be like when they become fully independent, and how I am trying to prepare them for that, how I will always be there for them as a counselor, but do not expect them to need mothering when they are adults. And I don't mean they won't need comforting or to want to eat Mom's home cookin'- I mean mothering in the sense of parenting.

It is even harder when you see your fledglings make mistakes- expect them to flounder a bit as they get used to being on their own. No matter how much you prepare them for independence, the reality of it can be quite different than what they think it will be, and they will have to fight their flesh in a way that they didn't need to before.



cindybode -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/29/2008 12:45:26 AM)

Well, my girl did move all the way across the country. All I can say is, praise the Lord for instant messaging! [;)]

It was tough, and I missed her a lot. She is the one child of mine who shares many of my interests, so not only did I miss her because she's my daughter, I missed having someone to scoop poop with! In the end, I just had to trust that she has a good relationship with the Lord and that she is an intelligent girl who is capable of making good decisions. I remember how much I wanted to live my own life at her age and how I resented my father's continual interfering, so I made an effort to support her choices and not offer advice unless she asked for it. I didn't always succeed, especially at that last part, but we're still friends so I guess I wasn't too bad.

The hardest part was when her living situation fell apart suddenly and I wasn't able to help her much on short notice. Thank God for good friends. Jenny-Fair took her in until we were able to make arrangements to get her back home, so I knew she was safe and, I hope, was able to bless Jennifer just a little in return for the huge blessing Jennifer has been to us.

She's home now, and we are kicking around the possibility of setting up a cabin/camper/trailer or whatever so that she's still here but has her own space. She missed the farm and wants to stay, but understandably wants to do her own thing just a little, too.



W.O.F. -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/29/2008 10:12:30 PM)

To me,

this feels much the same way as any of her big developmental steps did...bittersweet.

It is harder for me to think about then it really will be to deal with.

I think too many times moms talk themselves out of feeling these things...as though admitting that there is a tiny sense of loss would mean that they want to hang onto their children forever or that they don't want their kids to reach their full potential. As with any good job well done, it is okay to feel a sense of loss when it is completed, even though there is great pride and joy at it being done well.



RJR_fan -> RE: How do you deal with this? (5/30/2008 6:48:23 AM)

quote:

How have you dealt with the myriad of emotions that come with this?


When I marched my 20 year old daughter down the aisle, it was not with a regretful sense of "where did all the years go?" I knew where they'd gone -- growing up with my kids, investing in their lives, enjoying their company to the full.

Another good reason for homeschooling. If your kids spend most of their waking hours in government custody, you have so much less time to enjoy them, and so many more regrets when they leave the nest.



bzirk -> RE: How do you deal with this? (6/4/2008 10:41:45 AM)

I was just reading the thread in parenting about "what does independence look like...." and how the daughter thought 18 was magical. Haven't most kids in America been taught to think that? It seems they have. Anyway, I thought of this thread, and just wanted to say that I'm glad my daughter was not indoctrinated with thinking that she is completely independent at 18. Is anyone ever completely independent? Anyway, I'm glad my daughter was not indoctrinated with such a goofed up view of what it means to be independent to the point that she couldn't receive counsel from my husband and me. This just doesn't seem in line with scripture -- especially if you read Proverbs. And somehow I don't think Proverbs is restricted to children. [8D]

If there is anything I can point to that I like about homeschooling (and there are many things), this is one of them -- that we very definitely have lines of communication open with our kid to the degree that she does not feel she has to cut us from much of her life at 18 in order to feel mature. There's no doubt in my mind that it would have been much tougher to achieve this if we'd had to compete with the schoolhouse and the world in general more. The irony is that so many other parents I know have adopted this attitude that their kids are ready to make all decisions at 18, and they take their hands off the situation so much because of it, yet those are some of the same parents who have a revolving door at their house for years beyond their kids' 18th year -- either with their kids returning home to live or their grandkids living with them and being raised by them.

Sorry for the rambling and the slightly off topic post, but I think there is so much to be thankful for in not having to grapple with the junk that would more than likely be our lot if we had not homeschooled. Years ago I wouldn't have said that, but I now realize beyond doubt that the institution of public school generally wants to parent the kids it receives in its doors. Glad I got to be the only parent.

I hope that's not too negative, but sometimes I do look at the negative things that go on and realize I don't have that situation and I'm glad. If that's terrible to admit, then I admit being terrible.



my3boyshomeschool -> RE: How do you deal with this? (6/4/2008 11:01:22 AM)

I am experiencing the same emotion! My oldest graduates in June 2009. As of right now, thankfully, the plan is for him to continue living at home, go to community college part time, work part time and take a year to get some bigger sponsors. He is already a sponsored skateboarder, but his biggest sponsor is Pac Sun and he wants to get one of the big ones. He himself is not ready to joing the adult world and he just told me that last week. He says he's scared of next year! So, while he'll be done with homeschooling, he will still be in the nest awhile so I will have more time to adjust.



karlie -> RE: How do you deal with this? (6/5/2008 1:20:20 PM)

quote:

but I am NOT ready for one of my fledglings to be done yet! I KNOW she is ready though.

How have you dealt with the myriad of emotions that come with this?

It's really tough, especially with the first. Six months after our oldest daughter graduated high school, she went off to boot camp 2500 miles away(she joined the Navy). So we went from homeschooling and being together so much, to basically being cut off from her. I envied the parents whose kids just went off to college...at least they could call them anytime they wanted! We had to go cold turkey those first couple months and it wasn't fun.

There was definitely a grieving process we had to walk through. We knew she was ready and that we had done all we could to prepare her for adult life, but it hurt. We knew it signaled a forever change in the relationship and that from now on, when she was home, it wouldn't be as our child, but as our visiting adult daughter.

How I dealt with the emotions was to just allow myself to cry when I felt like it, but get on with living my life. I reminded myself that this was a process and that in time, it wouldn't be so sad. I also concentrated on her amazing accomplishments and how proud we were of the young lady she became. It helps to be able to say "we did our job and did it well".

I also embraced the new relationship and found so much joy in that. I wasn't the disciplinarian anymore. I could just enjoy her as a young woman and we started relating on a deeper and amazing level. I think the trick is to allow yourself to feel sad, but also look for the positive things in the changes. It does get easier in time...I promise! And it was much easier to let our baby go than it was our oldest, but then, she just moved an hour away to college, so that seemed like a breeze compared to what our oldest did!

Praying for you...I know it causes an ache like nothing else.



bzirk -> RE: How do you deal with this? (6/5/2008 1:27:38 PM)

Great post, Karlie.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI