Husband with drug problem (Full Version)

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PatricksPeaches -> Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 3:56:06 PM)

I need some strong Godly advice. Let me start by saying that I am a Christian and my husband is not. I was in a great rebellion when we met and married. We have 2 children. When I met him he had a drug problem but he has always wanted to change. He was in and out of jail and this last time (a year ago) seemed to really be the last. He came out and went into a treatment program for 21 days. He is in the Drug court program in our county which is high accountability for drug offenders. He sees a probation officer every other week, a judge every other week, and has mandatory drug testing twice a week. He did very good in this program. That is up until last month. He has gone out and used four times on weekends that he knows he can get away with it. He knows that if he uses one day and is clean for 48 hours after, he can take a supplement to flush his system and be clean for his drug test.

It is a holiday weekend, and he is gone. He called from work yesterday and everything sounded fine but he never came home. That is his MO when he is using so I know that is exactly what he is doing. My question is this, how do I handle this now? I know that being unequally yoked is a problem (we have been going to church and biblical counseling, thought it could change), and I chose to marry him. Now that I am back in line with God, how do I deal with this? I used to get mad and yell at him. That never helped. I have tried to be understanding and have patience but that never helped. I am at the point now that I don't even want to be married to him.

We have been going to biblical counseling for our marriage but that seems to be a mute issue now. He is the sole bread winner in the family and I am scared that we are going to lose everything. We are behind in all our bills and this is just making things worse. I am afraid that the way of life that I have been living and wanted for so long will end too. I am a stay at home mom and homeschool. I don't want that to end.

What do I do? How should I handle all this? I have been through this too many times and my heart is hurting. All that is in me says that I should have known better but I let myself be in this situation. I have prayed for him everyday and don't know what else to do. Please, help me figure this all out.[:(]



shadowspring -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 5:27:03 PM)

quote:

He is the sole bread winner in the family and I am scared that we are going to lose everything. We are behind in all our bills and this is just making things worse. I am afraid that the way of life that I have been living and wanted for so long will end too. I am a stay at home mom and homeschool. I don't want that to end.



I am so sorry to read this. [:(] It has happened to friends of mine through the twelve years I have been home schooling. It is always heart-breaking when father lets his family down, for any reason.

Are you in touch with drug professionals? Or even Al-Anon? I am wondering what a rehab counselor would advise. I think it might be to start praying for and looking for work that can support you and your kids.

You might still be able to home school. I know mom's who do, and you will most likely find a lot of support in your home school community: people who can watch your kids while you work, share curriculum with you, pick up your children for outings.

Or you might find another solution for your education needs. Public schools vary greatly in quality form location to location, but even in a worse-case scenario public school, if God is with you there is no reason to fear. God is faithful, and if it needs to be public school for a season or even a whole school career, He will watch over your students and bless them. You can still build a godly home, with lots of love and support for each other, without home schooling. But I am sure you know that.[:)]

But I would start with a rehab counselor and begin planning for the future form there, with much prayer .



pstrdebi -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 5:43:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PatricksPeaches

I need some strong Godly advice. Let me start by saying that I am a Christian and my husband is not. I was in a great rebellion when we met and married. We have 2 children. When I met him he had a drug problem but he has always wanted to change. He was in and out of jail and this last time (a year ago) seemed to really be the last. He came out and went into a treatment program for 21 days. He is in the Drug court program in our county which is high accountability for drug offenders. He sees a probation officer every other week, a judge every other week, and has mandatory drug testing twice a week. He did very good in this program. That is up until last month. He has gone out and used four times on weekends that he knows he can get away with it. He knows that if he uses one day and is clean for 48 hours after, he can take a supplement to flush his system and be clean for his drug test.

It is a holiday weekend, and he is gone. He called from work yesterday and everything sounded fine but he never came home. That is his MO when he is using so I know that is exactly what he is doing. My question is this, how do I handle this now? I know that being unequally yoked is a problem (we have been going to church and biblical counseling, thought it could change), and I chose to marry him. Now that I am back in line with God, how do I deal with this? I used to get mad and yell at him. That never helped. I have tried to be understanding and have patience but that never helped. I am at the point now that I don't even want to be married to him.

We have been going to biblical counseling for our marriage but that seems to be a mute issue now. He is the sole bread winner in the family and I am scared that we are going to lose everything. We are behind in all our bills and this is just making things worse. I am afraid that the way of life that I have been living and wanted for so long will end too. I am a stay at home mom and homeschool. I don't want that to end.

What do I do? How should I handle all this? I have been through this too many times and my heart is hurting. All that is in me says that I should have known better but I let myself be in this situation. I have prayed for him everyday and don't know what else to do. Please, help me figure this all out.[:(]


Peaches... You are asking for advise... but you and others may not like the advice I give.

I believe in your heart... you already know what you need to do.

Let me tell you, I can tell by your post that the problem is meth. And I can also tell you that if he is back to doing it after another stint in jail... he is NOT ready to give it up.

You also asked for strong advice... so here it is. Your husband is selfish and puts his drugs before his family. If this were not true he would be home with you right now... And you wouldn't be left crying once again. You wouldn't be hurting and your children wouldn't be asking where he is.

I am not sure what else you have gone through... but there is always an element of abuse that comes along with meth use... if not physical, I can guarentee you that you have been through a ton of emotional and mental abuse... as well as a ton of promises, only to be left with emptiness once again.

You are unequally yoked. DON'T let anyone tell you that you need to stay because you are a Christian. That is NOT what the Bible says (1 Cor 7:15). You are GOD'S first... not your own and not your husbands. And God wants you to serve Him and bear fruit. You cannot serve two masters... You cannot serve God and the world. Your husband is of the world and does not want to change... and he is bringing the world into your home. He is bringing evil spirits and sin into the home where you and your children live. Your children, no matter how young they might be, are learning and will continue to learn these worlldly patterns from your husband... and I am sure that if you think about it, you will be able to pin-point certain things that your children are already doing (unless they are very young) that reflect your husbands behaviors. (arguing, hitting, ignoring you, disrespect, etc.). You are admonished by God to raise them in the ways of the Lord.

The Bible outlines 2 specific Biblical reasons for divorce. Adultery (Matt 19:9) and abandonment (1 Cor 7:15). You have already reflected in your post... abandonment... his always leaving you, his MO.

I would ask you to read the following verses and speak to God about the plans and desires He has for YOU. God WILL make a way for you when you are in obedience.

Read John 15:1-8... paying close attention to verse 2. As I said... you are first God's, and He is a jealous God. Is your attention always given to the cirrcumstances of your life? Are you always consummed by the pain and hurt in your life? Are you able to devote your life to God with your marriage being centered in Christ? These are important questions. God tells us to love the Lord, our God with ALL our heart, ALL our soul and ALL our strength. If your husband and his ongoing adictions and lifestyle are preventing this... than you need to be before the Lord in prayer regarding this verse.

There is a little Bible study called "secrets of the vine" by Bruce Wilkerson. This will help you to sort some of these questions out.

I would love to counsel with you further... If you want to talk, you can PM me and I'll give you my number.

God bless you... and I will be praying for you.
Pastor Debi
[&o]



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 6:16:06 PM)

[
quote:

Let me tell you, I can tell by your post that the problem is meth. And I can also tell you that if he is back to doing it after another stint in jail... he is NOT ready to give it up.


First, no it is not meth that he uses. It is usually cocaine or heroin. He usually snorts it or smokes it, not that that matters. He has been in and out of jail but this was the first time he went to a treatment program and had truly changed for a year. Now I don't know what it is that is getting him back into it. He had used our other marital problems as an excuse in the past but now he can't do that because we have been in counseling and I have made changes that he says were the problem.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 6:26:16 PM)

quote:

Are you in touch with drug professionals? Or even Al-Anon? I am wondering what a rehab counselor would advise. I think it might be to start praying for and looking for work that can support you and your kids.

We go to biblical counselors but not for this issue. He was supposed to see the counselor by himself starting next week.
quote:

You might still be able to home school. I know mom's who do, and you will most likely find a lot of support in your home school community: people who can watch your kids while you work, share curriculum with you, pick up your children for outings.

Unfortunately I do not have a big home school community here. There is only 2 or 3 other families in my church that home school. And my family is not to be counted on for babysitting. I have worked in the past but had to pay daycare and that was hard because I was working just to pay for daycare. I still couldn't make my bills.

quote:

Or you might find another solution for your education needs. Public schools vary greatly in quality form location to location, but even in a worse-case scenario public school, if God is with you there is no reason to fear.

I have sent my oldest to public school. They are just so mean and clique there. She was picked on for not having the best shoes and clothes and such, at only 7 years old. And I would still have to find daycare for my two year old.



pstrdebi -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 7:05:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PatricksPeaches

First, no it is not meth that he uses. It is usually cocaine or heroin. He usually snorts it or smokes it, not that that matters.


No... it doesn't matter... the habits are the same.

quote:


He had used our other marital problems as an excuse in the past but now he can't do that because we have been in counseling and I have made changes that he says were the problem.


Peaches... he sees your changes... the growth in you, and it convicts him. It is always easy to blame the other person.

As long as you know that your heart is right before the Lord... that is what you need to focus on.

Pastor Debi
[:)]



manda59 -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 8:14:19 PM)

Have you considered telling his probation officer, in confidence, what he is doing? He could probably then increase the frequency of the drug testing.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/25/2008 8:24:01 PM)

quote:

Have you considered telling his probation officer, in confidence, what he is doing? He could probably then increase the frequency of the drug testing.


Yes I have thought of that. I am just not sure if that is a can of worms I want to open. He might resent the fact that I did that. He would know that it was me calling. Since he "passes" all his tests, it would have to be someone who knows what he is doing. That would be only me and his mother. I don't know what the consequences of that would be.

The punishment for him getting caught using while in the program is a weekend in jail and he wouldn't be able to move up in the program. Doesn't seem enough to me!! But that is their punishment. I would expect them to send him back to a treatment program but I guess that is not in their budget.

I just don't know what to do. I have prayed long and hard and haven't gotten an answer. I will keep praying but in the meantime, I want to know others views.



shadowspring -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/26/2008 2:11:49 PM)

I really hope you will choose to see a rehab counselor yourself. A drug professional might help you walk through the steps required to take care of yourself and your children. A Christian counselor or pastor with experience in rehab would be even better, as they could pray with you too! [:D]

A drug professional can help you see what "opening that can of worms" will look like, for you and your children.

More importantly, they could help you see what the future might look like, for you and your children, should you decline to open that can of worms.

Worms are not all bad. Sometimes in life you just have to deal with worms, ya know?

And as far as your public school, having a bad experience in the past doesn't mean your daughter is doomed to have a bad experience in the future. Things could get better. Happens to God's people all the time, you know. [;)]

I am most concerned that you seem to feel trapped and hopeless. There is always hope with Jesus, and you are not trapped if you don't want to be. Drug abuse hurts the whole family, not just the user, and it seems to have robbed you of your confidence that you CAN have a better life.

I really strongly suggest you see a drug counselor yourself, someone who can help you let go of what might have been and help you deal with what actually is. You will feel so much stronger and happier about your self once you start taking action to make things better. [:)]



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/26/2008 3:25:44 PM)

quote:

Yes I have thought of that. I am just not sure if that is a can of worms I want to open. He might resent the fact that I did that. He would know that it was me calling.


I know that it would be a very scary thing to do, but what would be *wrong* with you telling on your husband? He is breaking the law. He is taking advantage of knowing you won't tell. It is no benefit for you or for the rest of us to have a druggie going on his merry way with no consequence. Let him know it was you and let him be angry. That is *his* problem, and you will have done *nothing* wrong. Let him deal with the consequences of his misbehavior.

Be very honest with yourself--the only thing you can do that will result in your husband not resenting you is sitting back and doing nothing. Any action you take, whether it's calling the probation officer, leaving him, divorcing him, telling him he's doing wrong...any real action you take, he will try to guilt-trip you.



Roberta_ -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/26/2008 3:41:31 PM)

Peaches- have you considered a Celebrate Recovery program? If he won't attend (and he might not) you could at least attend for issues of co-dependency.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/26/2008 9:44:06 PM)

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I have sent an e-mail to my biblical counselor regarding this issue. I have not gotten a reply yet.

My husband however called me from his mothers house today after she left me an e-mail stating that he was there. She stated in her e-mail that he claims his car, license and all were stolen. Just another lie!!! He has his car!! She also stated that his dad was yelling at him about all this.

I told him that he is not allowed to come back home until he is ready to go back to a treatment program. He says he can't just go back like that. I don't know what he is going to do. As for me, I am just going to continue my life like normal. I am not going to let him hold me back. Hopefully my counselor will have advice for me too. Please, keep the comments coming. It is good to know I am not alone in all this. I really can't talk to my family about this because they say that it's my fault for getting involved in this and I should have known better. They are probably right but the fact is, I am in this.



shadowspring -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 12:04:52 PM)

Yes, the fact is that you are in this, and the Lord is right there with you, and He is going to bring you through it too! [:D]

I am glad to read that you are not letting hubby home without another run at rehab. I will pray you have the courage to stick to your guns when the enemy tries to get you to waffle, as this will most assuredly happen.

My advice: DO NOT LET HIM COME BACK UNTIL HE IS CLEAN AND SOBER!

I will be praying for you as far as finances go too. You may have to change up your lifestyle a little later on to be self-sufficient, but the Lord will lead and guide you there too.

I am so glad you are not choosing to let an addict be part of your household. The firmer you hold this line, the more you are helping your dh to see the need to come clean. I think you have chosen the most loving, supportive course of action you could have chosen. Good for you all.[:)]



Ruthie -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 12:35:38 PM)

I know I might get flack for this but I come from a Addict household (alcoholism) and I know of what I speak.

Get a divorce. Stop putting up with his single-minded devotion to himself and get a divorce.

The longer your kids live in a home with an addict, the more screwed up they will get. I very very strongly recommend joining Al-Anon and any and all help you can get for your kids. They may not grow up to be addicts but they learn all kinds of mal-adaptive behaviour that will give them nothing but heartache for decades to come.

Growing up with an addict for a father is a horrible, awful thing to live through. Trust me on this.

I still don't trust people, I've had a mental breakdown, and I struggle with rage. Forgiving has been very hard because I'm so angry with him.



2shaye -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 12:45:12 PM)

Seek out a Teen Challenge center near you. They likely will offer counseling (free). They are not just for teens. Teen Challenge is THE MOST SUCCESSFUL drug and alcohol program in the world (it's documented). They are a free one year residential program. Even if your husband does not enter the program, you can receive support and counseling. If you don't know where one is, go to the website at www.teenchallenge.com to fine one near you.

Stay strong and pray for wisdom my friend. God is big enough to restore your husband and your marriage.



BlackCloud -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 12:48:44 PM)

Find a TCM to do accupuncture to stop addiction, in hands, there is a place to help people to stop addiction.



shadowspring -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 2:00:27 PM)

quote:

Even if your husband does not enter the program, you can receive support and counseling. If you don't know where one is, go to the website at www.teenchallenge.com to fine one near you.


Worth repeating. [:D]



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 2:33:34 PM)

I have heard about this program. Haven't really checked it out.

Hubby says that if he goes to a in-patient treatment he will be "admitting he has used" (even though he has, he has passed all drug tests) to his PO and she will just put him in jail. We have medicaid that would pay for out-patient treatment. Also, he needs to go to AA/NA like he is supposed to do anyway (he falsifies his AA/NA list that he gives his PO). Plus, the biblical counselors are still wiling to meet with him.

Did I just answer my OWN question here?? Does that sound like a good start to you all? Or should I just say enough is enough because he is never going to change and just move on with my life? Why is it so hard to decide?!!!!!



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 2:37:52 PM)

quote:

Why is it so hard to decide?!!!!!


Because you are a decent person with love and compassion and hope. [:)]

This is just my opinion, but I would tell him it's rehab or nothing, and if he truly wants to change, he'll be willing to go to jail in order to work through the process of reconciliation.



2shaye -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 4:16:19 PM)

MANY, MANY people are "sentenced" to Teen Challenge. If your dh confesses and admits he needs help and, let's say, wants to go into Teen Challenge (and is accepted, of course), this might be allowed INSTEAD of jail time. Teen Challenge has a reputation within the court system and many judges are willing to send an addict there because of their success rate, as well as the burden is less on society (money to house and feed them). BTW, Teen Challenge is absolutely free!

FWIW, I believe you should pray that God will heal your husband and your marriage. Boundaries? Yes. Separation? Possibly. Divorce? No. JMO...



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 10:24:36 PM)

I told him that he can not come back unless he is willing to go to out patient treatment, biblical counseling, and meetings everyday. He says he can't because he don't have gas money to go to all these places. Then he continued to throw all the issues that I go to counseling for, in my face. He says I haven't changed either. He says he is going to take the van too because I don't need that if I can do it all on my own. I say, come get it!!! And all your clothes too!!! He says I don't take care of my kids now, so how am I going to on my own. I say, not your concern!!! I will worry about me and the kids. He says go sell your computer and get a car. I say, I will. This is all too much for me!! I don't know how much more I can handle before I have a breakdown of some sort. Please, please, keep praying for me.



Roberta_ -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/27/2008 10:30:03 PM)

I will pray for you and I would suggest that you consider a Celebrate Recovery group at least for yourself.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/28/2008 8:16:55 AM)

I am sitting here this morning, up earlier than usual, wondering about something.

My husband stated to me yesterday that he wanted to go to the biblical counselor. He says that would be a start. I was angry and hurt and responded with a that's not good enough. Now I am wondering if I should have taken that and prayed for the rest. Maybe I was too harsh???? We also have a church not too far away that has the "Most Excellent Way" program on Saturday nights. It is a christian alternative to AA/NA. I was going to ask him to attend with me (they have child care) but I was too hurt at the time to ask. Now I am afraid it is too late. Afraid that he took me at my word and won't come back. If that is even what I want. HMMMMM.....I just keep going in this crazy circle!!! God bless you all for listening to me go on so much. It is helpful to know someone is listening and not judging.



FlaDebbie -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/28/2008 4:44:28 PM)

I have just sat here for the last 1/2 hour and read everything everyone has written. You have been given quite a lot of great advice and I don't really think I can add anything else but my own story.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. My mother left him when I was 16 years old and at that point, I had to become an adult because I had to take care of him. He would wake up vomiting almost every morning, yet continue to drink. I would pour all his alcohol down the drain, we would argue about it, he would stop for a while then start all over again. I was afraid I would find him dead one day, thank God I didn't. The happy ending to this story is that my mother and father are back together now and my father has been sober for approximately 10 years now.

My first husband, the father of my two grown children, was mentally and physically abusive. Though I never ended up in the emergency room, and he was always smart not to bruise my face, the scars (after 25 years now) are still there including low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, depression, and of course anger. I had a miscarriage because he kicked me in the stomach several times. When I finally got the courage to leave, I was in court the bruises up and down both of my arms. This is what gave me full custody of my two children, ages 2 and 3 months at the time. This story doesn't have a completely happy ending. My now 27 year old daughter has been through severe depression, drugs, has been an inpatient in a mental instituion because she was "cutting" herself because she couldn't deal with her anger. My son, who is now 26, was kicked out of high school in his first year there, did a lot of drugs, started selling drugs, was arrested, put on probation, failed his drug test, totaled three cars, ended up in a live in rehab facility, turned 21 and got so drunk he was carried away on a stretcher in an ambulance, was kicked out of rehab and ended up in jail for 4 months.

Now, there is no doubt in my mind that the abuse my children saw for that short period of their lives had an affect on them and still does at times though they have begun to work through it. My daughter is now a Christian and attends church and counseling regularly. My son, strangely enough, is in his 2nd year of college as a psychology major.

I haven't dealt with my anger (and fear of him) yet, but plan to in the near future and their "father" has been in touch with them for the past couple of years now.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are definte consequences to you and your children by the actions of your husband. I had to figure out which was worse, trying to live on my own or try to stay. I did not work, had no education, no money. The pastor of the church I attended at that time was there with me in court and the church helped me pack and get out. I applied and received food stamps, went to medical school which was paid for completely by grants (since I had no income they were easy to get), andI found a small part time job. Friends swapped babysitting and I was lucky if I got 5 hours of sleep a night. For 9 months I went to school, worked my part time job, came home and took care of my kids, put them to bed, then studied till 1 a.m. only to get up and do it all over again.

You are capable of doing whatever is necessary because God is on your side. Please don't let your children become victims of his lifestyle.

God bless you and keep you all safe.



hartslove -> RE: Husband with drug problem (5/31/2008 12:00:43 AM)

I have witnessed God's healing. Your life sounds so much like my sister and my brother-in-law's life up until about three years ago. They have been together since their teens--before they came to Christ. They'd had four beautiful, fun children before they married. They were encouraged to marry when they started bible study with their church. At that time, their marriage noticeably changed for the better revealing maturity, harmony and peace in their communication with each other. However, my B-I-L's drug problem had became evident just before they joined the church. He always had a heart for his wife and kids and both their families of origin, but his behavior had become erratic and so unlike his usual self. Not sure what all led to his venturing off into that world at that point, but I know he'd had two addicted parents as a child. Anyway, my B-I-L longed to be baptized like his wife, but the church made him wait because he was displaying all sorts of unfruitful activity: disappearing, bizarre behavior to where strangers would call my sister, money going down the drain, repeat crises with the vehicles, never-ending series of court dates for various matters (like a cloud was following them), he easily landed jobs but quickly lost them, missing wallets, short-term rehab, etc. It all is so familiar. One of the worst things is that, although he was working, there never was enough money for rent and groceries. He would always find the debit card, no matter where my sister hid it. She lost so much weight from stress. She had always been a stay-at-home mom, not home-schooling, but walking the kids to school and volunteering. My B-I-L had a business in addition to his side jobs. He had great potential and likeability. But there was always threat of eviction, and the church aided them several times to where my sister was embarrassed, stuck, disgusted and worried about the kids. Throughout this turbulent time, my B-I-L was getting to know the Lord. He was in worship weekly and in bible study and meeting with elder persons from their church. He was torn between his new self and old self, and he really wanted to be baptized. Eventually they had to leave their modest apartment, but my sister was granted public housing in an undesirable neighborhood. She told her husband he could not live with her and the kids anymore. That is when he hit bottom and everything changed. It seemed he instantly stopped using, and his old reliable (always pleasant) self returned. He has become a responsible father and husband, and is well respected at church, in our family, in the kids' school, in his THRIVING business, and I just wanted to let you know that there's hope. But remember that my sister first had to separate from him for a brief time. They didn't lose contact, and she was not nasty toward him, nor she did she pursue divorce, but she couldn't keep providing a safety net to all his reckless behavior. My observation is she got out the way and allowed God to confront.



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