Disaplining family's kids (Full Version)

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reesespieces_ -> Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 9:01:41 AM)

My boyfriend and his kids mom are divorces and live in seperate houses.

Yesterday my boyfriends brother grab his nieces arm and left marks on it by accident. The reason was she was going through her brothers pockets to see if he had her money. The kids mom got really upset that he did that.

The dad was outside so do you believe the uncle did the right thing or the kids mom was right to be upset.

The mom has also said no one but her and the kids Dad should do physical diapline. Since they no longer are together do you think this should apply to a house the other lives in?



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 9:15:43 AM)

if mom and dad are on the same page regarding physical discipline (and they should be) then yes it applies.
Even if they're not on the same page, mom has every right to be angry that uncle would grab the child's arm. He could have dealt with her less physically.
Sandy



Kat_D -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 9:44:55 AM)

Unless the parents give another person permission to physically discipline their child(ren), no one has the right to lay hands on them BUT their parents.

If the child's Dad and Mom were there, your boyfriend should have called one of them to handle the issue with his niece. He was wrong.



lexie -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 9:45:05 AM)

Whether the parents are divorced, or still together it is up to them how their child is disciplined by other people in the family. I personally feel this is something that all parents should discuss with their siblings.

My husband and I are auntie and uncle to many children. Our siblings have told us how they wish we discipline their children if they do something wrong in our presence. Some have asked that we use physical discipline if it is warranted (which we never have), some have told us we should just use whatever discipline we would use with our children. We in turn tell other family members how we wish our daughter to be disciplined if she is misbehaving. This way, everyone is on the same page when it comes to the child.

I think the mother definitely had the right to be angry with the uncle if that is not how she wants her child disciplined. I think the mother and father both need to discuss this situation and come up with a concrete idea of how discipline will work in both homes, and they both need to make that this is followed.



delete123 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 10:51:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

Unless the parents give another person permission to physically discipline their child(ren), no one has the right to lay hands on them BUT their parents.



I agree with Kat D on this. No one I mean no one touches my child. If there is a problem, tell me about it and I will handle it.

CRH



Brandy -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 11:13:32 AM)

What kind of pockets?

His pants pockets of pants he was wearing?

Coat pockets laying on a chair?

Pants pockets of laundry not being worn?

How old is the niece?



reach -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 1:22:51 PM)

I am auntie to a few kids and I would never physically dicipline the kids (except the one I raised and he is 16). I would tell the parents and let them handle it. It is not my place. No matter what the parents say.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 2:51:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crh737

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

Unless the parents give another person permission to physically discipline their child(ren), no one has the right to lay hands on them BUT their parents.



I agree with Kat D on this. No one I mean no one touches my child. If there is a problem, tell me about it and I will handle it.

CRH

yup...same here...WE are the parents and will discipline our kids if it needs to come to that.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 5:12:40 PM)

We do have select family members who are allowed to physically discipline our children, WITH limits. These are people we know will do it calmly and in the same manner we would if we were there, and they only do it in our absence.

For someone to do it who has not been given our express permission...I would not be happy. For marks to be left on my child by someone who had no right to discipline them...I would (and have) call the police.



Sideways -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 7:06:50 PM)

Well, if some kid was actually going through my pockets (assuming I'm wearing the clothes), then you'd best believe I would physically remove that child from my person. The world is filled with brats who think they can do anything because the adults will not touch them.

The only other time I would lay hands on a child not my own would be if they represented an immediate threat to themselves or another child. But I would use the minimum force possible to stop them from causing harm.

I've reached out to stop a boy who was trying to shove my son out of the way at the playground, and they boy was much bigger and older then my son. I have taken toys away from my niece when she was using them in a dangerous manner and her parents were not around, but it is inappropriate for me to punish her physically, certainly to the point of leaving marks.

But if the parents aren't around, then yes, there are circumstances when I would lay hands on a child, but I wouldn't discipline them physically.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 8:11:41 PM)

I am wondering if maybe the Uncle is not used to dealing with kids and did not realize how hard he was taking a hold of her to stop her from rumaging through pockets. Normally, I don't like people to touch my kids in that type of manner, but if they were going through someone's pockets while they were wearing them (I am assuming from the sudden response) then I would appreciate them stopping my child from doing so and letting me know as soon as they found me. I would talk to them (if it was accidental) about how easily children bruise and that they need to be careful in the future. I would deffinatly take note of such an incident.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 8:17:04 PM)

A few people have brought up if the neice was going through his pockets while he was wearing his pants.....this is what was said.....
quote:

Yesterday my boyfriends brother grab his nieces arm and left marks on it by accident. The reason was she was going through her brothers pockets to see if he had her money.

that sounds to me like she was not going through the uncles pockets, and the uncle is the one that chose to discipline the niece. She was rifling through her brother's pockets (to find something of hers). Still not sure if the pants were on him at the time or not, but to me that makes it a whole different issue....she wasn't touching the uncle and he shouldn't have touched her...he should have gone to get the parents that were there just not in the room.



karlie -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/28/2008 8:47:52 PM)

If someone would have left a bruise in my child, I would have been furious, family member or not. Grabbing a child to the point of bruising is not discipline...it's reacting to a situation. There's a huge difference.

In our family, no one was allowed to physically discipline our kids except us. My kids were to obey any other adult or babysitter in charge of them and the adult had the complete authority to put them in time out, send them to their rooms, remove TV, or anything else they needed to get them in compliance, but they weren't allowed to spank, swat, or grab. If they felt it was out of control enough that physical discipline was necessary(and I can't recall a time it ever was when we were gone), then they were to call us immediately and we'd be home and deal with them ourselves. Or they could report to us later and we'd handle it after the fact. If we felt a spanking was in order, then that was our job, not anyone else's.

If a family believes in physical discipline, I personally think that a child should be able to know that only his parents will handle that aspect.



Hislittleone -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/29/2008 5:12:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2

quote:

ORIGINAL: crh737

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

Unless the parents give another person permission to physically discipline their child(ren), no one has the right to lay hands on them BUT their parents.


I agree with Kat D on this. No one I mean no one touches my child. If there is a problem, tell me about it and I will handle it.

CRH

yup...same here...WE are the parents and will discipline our kids if it needs to come to that.


Ditto this. The uncle was out of line IMO. The mother had every right to be upset. I sure would've been if it was my child.



kohls356 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/29/2008 5:53:13 PM)

I would never physically discipline another persons child. I don't believe anyone has the right to do so unless the parents have given permission. I would however physically remove a child from a situation if need be.

It is so hard anymore to know just what to do with other peoples kids. It seems like there are so many different ways that parents deal with their kids it is hard to know what to do. There isn't a problem when the parents will actually watch their kids and make sure they are behaving. I know that they can't watch them all the time but some parents just plain don't pay attention to what their kids are up to. I am not saying this happened in the op just in general.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law do not watch their kids. I would sit back and wait for them to say something to their kids but they wouldn't. It almost seems like they just sit and expect other people to watch their kids. I am to the point I don't like them in my house. Just this past weekend they were here and again they didn't watch the kids. One thing they were upstairs going through the bedrooms. They have no business upstairs when no one else is there and going through bedrooms. I came around the living room to find that they were sliding down my stairs on my bedpillows and decorative pillows they had taken off my bed. Not only did I not want them tearing up my pillows I also didn't want anyone to get hurt. So while I didn't physically discipline them I most definitely told them to stay out of my room and not go upstairs anymore. If I have had to tell a child not do something I will tell the parents. When we told them about the kids sliding down the stairs on our pillows they just laughed and never said anything to them.



Kat_D -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/29/2008 6:04:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2

A few people have brought up if the neice was going through his pockets while he was wearing his pants.....this is what was said.....
quote:

Yesterday my boyfriends brother grab his nieces arm and left marks on it by accident. The reason was she was going through her brothers pockets to see if he had her money.

that sounds to me like she was not going through the uncles pockets, and the uncle is the one that chose to discipline the niece. She was rifling through her brother's pockets (to find something of hers). Still not sure if the pants were on him at the time or not, but to me that makes it a whole different issue....she wasn't touching the uncle and he shouldn't have touched her...he should have gone to get the parents that were there just not in the room.



Oh gosh, I'm so confused. Now that I re-read this...the OP's boyfriend is the child's Dad. Is that correct? If so, please delete the last sentence of my previous post. I was thinking the boyfriend was the uncle. Anyway, I still stand by the first sentence of my post.[&:]



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/29/2008 6:37:35 PM)

quote:

Oh gosh, I'm so confused. Now that I re-read this...

yeah it was a little confusing to figure out who was who....but from what I can gather after re-reading it over and over again...the OP's boyfriend is the dad. Mom and dad are divorced. Boyfriend's brother (uncle) is the one that disciplined boyfriend's daughter (niece) for going through her brother's (nephew's) pockets.
Anyway it is confusing....that's why I like naming people (even if it isn't their real names)...so much easier to figure it all out sometimes....lol

Yeah...either way I still stand by my statement as well...uncle should have gone to get someone else, esp if this was a well know rule that mom and dad didn't want anyone else disciplining their kids (and it sounds like it was well known). If it wasn't well known, then if this were me you can bet your last dollar it would be well known now!!!



reesespieces_ -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/29/2008 11:06:31 PM)

Had a talk with the kids fathers about physical disciplining the kids. If the kids mom doesn't want anyone but the parents to discipline the kids in this way (and he agrees) then he must tell her that her second husband he can't physically discipline the kids either. There can't be a double standard because she is the custodial parent.

I am also stepping back alot and letting the kids dad do most of the discipline in general. But I told him if he wants me to be a part of his and the kids life then if the kids are disobedient to me that I be allowed to discipline them by either sending them to their room or taking away toys for a fair amount of time.

The kids mom struggles with having someone else be a part of her ex husband and kids life. and say I am not to discipline the kids at all. If the discipline is fairly handed out(and the dad agrees with punishment) that he needs to tell her she should stay out of it. Feel that the mom thinks she has no boundaries when it comes to her kids and what goes on in her ex husbands house. I told him that he needs to set boundaries in what she has a say in when it comes to his home.

Do you think this is fair to ask of the kids dad. The kids have a habit of going back to their mom and telling her stuff that goes on at their dads house. This only causes problems because the mom gets mad and causes problems for us.(myself and the kids dad).



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 7:04:32 AM)

I wouldn't think that it is healthy to try to push the step parents (assuming they are good parents) away from disciplining in their homes. What do you plan to do if the step-Dad won't back off from the discipline? Are you willing to go down that road?

It would good to have a sit down and remind the mom that kids are disciplined when they are being cared for by the schools, baby sitters, and step parents. Each has a different amount of and kind of discipline that is appropriate. Maybe talk about how the discipline will look like in the home so that the other set of parents won't worry so much.

I am not an expert in blended families, but this something to think about.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 9:36:53 AM)

quote:

It would good to have a sit down and remind the mom that kids are disciplined when they are being cared for by the schools, baby sitters, and step parents.

Lisa, I do agree with your statement, however according to the OP this is not a step child, this is just her BOYFRIEND'S kids...she is not in any legally binding marriage to this man (and hasn't even indicated that they plan to be married by saying "fiance"). Honestly as a mom, I would have a problem with that too. If you want to take on the role of a step parent then you need to have the papers that say you actually ARE the step parent. If you aren't willing to do that then you don't have any right to force anything on the parents. Even if you are a live in girl friend of the dad (which from that last post it seems that's what this situation is). The last post also brought up that the mom has a "double standard" in that her new husband disciplines and yet she doesn't want the poster to discipline...to me that's not a double standard if she is married to this man and the OP isn't married to the dad.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 11:04:47 AM)

I was just thinking into the possible future, and with the current step-dad.



reesespieces_ -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 11:46:30 AM)

peculiar_lady2
Super Member

quote:

Lisa, I do agree with your statement, however according to the OP this is not a step child, this is just her BOYFRIEND'S kids...she is not in any legally binding marriage to this man (and hasn't even indicated that they plan to be married by saying "fiance"). Honestly as a mom, I would have a problem with that too. If you want to take on the role of a step parent then you need to have the papers that say you actually ARE the step parent. If you aren't willing to do that then you don't have any right to force anything on the parents. Even if you are a live in girl friend of the dad (which from that last post it seems that's what this situation is). The last post also brought up that the mom has a "double standard" in that her new husband disciplines and yet she doesn't want the poster to discipline...to me that's not a double standard if she is married to this man and the OP isn't married to the dad.


Not sure how being married or not married has anything to do with it.

If she is going to enforce the rule that at her ex husband's house no one but the the mom and dad of the kids physically disciplines them then she needs to enforce the same rule at her house as well. That means if she allows the step dad to discipline the kids in a certain way but says the ex husbands girlfriend or brother can't do this then yes that would be a double standard. She can't pick and choose how to enforce rules.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 11:50:33 AM)

The nature of a bf or gf's relationship is not permanent by any means. They should not have the same rights and privileges as a stepparent who has committed to being in the bio parent and child's life. If they want those rights (and responsiblities!), then they can get married.



Kat_D -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 11:55:15 AM)

quote:

Not sure how being married or not married has anything to do with it.


Maybe God is allowing her a glimpse of these things now, so that she can pray long and hard about entering into such a complicated, baggage-filled marriage which will be difficult at best...not sure, just sayin'!![sm=aside.gif]



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Disaplining family's kids (5/30/2008 12:02:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna

The nature of a bf or gf's relationship is not permanent by any means. They should not have the same rights and privileges as a stepparent who has committed to being in the bio parent and child's life. If they want those rights (and responsiblities!), then they can get married.

yes...that's exactly what I meant....the step parent is a "permanent" position (or should be) and that of a boyfriend or girlfriend is not. If they want to have the "rights" of that step parent position then they need to really be the step parent.

Kat...I agree...it is a very good glimpse into the future if this person chooses to marry this man...because if this is already seen now then I am sure marriage won't solve it immediately.



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