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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/24/2008 11:18:43 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7696
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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Balance is very hard. I struggle with it all the time. How do I make sure I'm giving everything I need to the right amount of time? Definitely praying Esther.
And it's great to see you. *huggles*
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/24/2008 11:43:48 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
Balance is very hard. I struggle with it all the time. How do I make sure I'm giving everything I need to the right amount of time? Definitely praying Esther.
And it's great to see you. *huggles*
Boy, would I like the answer to THAT question. In the other thread, "happiness" is one goal of having everything balanced. I'm not sure that "happiness" is a goal of Christianity, though. However, I believe that the person who posted that would say that perhaps happiness would describe a Christian who is healthy, joyful, rested, and fruitful.
When I get too pressed, I may be getting a lot done, but usually whether I'm being "fruitful" is questionable. When things are more relaxed...either because I'm not expecting as much of myself and have more time to tend to relationships and self-care or because my schedule is lighter, then there are more things I can point to as being "fruitful". I've helped a child of mine come to a better understanding of unconditional love and God, or my family is able to function better because my house is in order, or something important like that.
But maybe that's all just because I'm too lazy. Maybe if I were even MORE careful with my time allotments (NO CW. Get off the computer and get up earlier and go to bed later...) I would be more fruitful.
There's that scripture, though, that says "why do you rise up early and stay up late? Don't you know God is going to take care of you?" (sorry, that's not an exact quote and I don't know the reference).
sheesh.
Tink, it sounds like I need to pray for you, too, while I'm praying for me. That always encourages me, when I'm praying for myself, to bring someone else with the same issue up before the Lord.
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/25/2008 8:16:48 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7696
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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Nooooes!!! It went to the second page!!!! *cries*
quote:
Tink, it sounds like I need to pray for you, too, while I'm praying for me. That always encourages me, when I'm praying for myself, to bring someone else with the same issue up before the Lord.
I was just mentioning to Judy how it's always easier to pray for someone other than yourself. I don't always know the best way to pray for me, but I do my best praying for you. I'm sure the reverse is true.
So I am definitely praying for you, sister. *huggles*
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/25/2008 8:23:01 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
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Thank you!
You know, Tink; one thing I'm re-learning about our Christian walk is that even though sometimes it's hard to understand the concept of something like balance, it can be ok if we are praying about each decision each day...just make the decisions for today, and the balance will happen...the balance GOD wants, not necessarily the balance some self-help book says is what we should have.
So for now until I understand the concept better, I'm going to just really try to ask God each day what I should be doing for that day and pray about any decisions I have to make for the future that day.
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/25/2008 8:40:00 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
That does work, for some things. Unfortunately not everything is a day to day basis. Some are lenthy commitments.
*sigh*
Don't mind me; today I'm play the role of the moody meloncholy mammoth. 
Ah! You're having an Eeyore day! That's ok. I like Eeyore.
I do understand that some things are lengthy commitments. In my stumbling way I was trying to say that even those can be prayed about for today...meaning, for instance, if I have to decide today (and have no choice about having to decide today) if I should take on some lengthy commitment, then I can pray about it, and make a decision. God WILL lead, regardless of whether or not I feel His leading. I can rest assured that since I was seeking him I was led by him.
If I don't have to make the decision today, then I don't. I wait until I have no more time left. During the waiting, I pray, but try not to otherwise dither about the decision. Usually something will come along to show me what direction God is leading.
I wish I could just get in God's face sometimes and say "I need a little HELP here!" to know stuff...but I can't...or I can, but it doesn't usually work.
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/25/2008 8:26:48 PM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10842
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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2nd Page!
Nope, can't let that happen to my friend!
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/25/2008 11:58:57 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
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Awwww, thanks, Terri;
Yes, Batty Peeps, bones would be nice. I know Terri could use one, too...so here we are, the three pups, begging for bones from the Lord!
In this situation with The Beau, things just continue to get more bizarre. As a mother, I am completely baffled and at the end of all my wisdom and help for them. GP1 and TB are going to have to come to some decisions on their own...and they are scary and painful decisions no matter which way they decide.
And I can do nothing.
I remember this feeling. It's very similar to watching her climb the steps at the back of the BIG slide while I sit by, holding her tiny brother in my arms. No matter what she decides to do, there's nothing I can do to help--barring a little vocal coaching.
I am determined to remember that in spite of a few tumbles resulting in a few scrapes and scratches, she eventually made it safely to the top and down the slide, not once but many giggly, exhilarating times.
I WILL NOT think about the fact that if she marries this dude and his parents eventually lose their minds completely, she will have to help him take care of them, leaving me alone to fend for myself. I WILL NOT THINK THIS. So if you catch me thinking it, please Gibbs Smack me.
As far as school/work goes? You know what I've realized? I actually have BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. Yes, I do. I have my children to think about and spend what time I have with. Their education is very important, so I need to spend time doing things about that. Making sure I connect personally and spiritually with the people God brings into my life is important...those people will live forever. The consequences of the decision what to do with my educational/career future will not last forever.
Perspective.
I'm going to ask God to help me keep that.
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/26/2008 12:04:53 AM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10842
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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Esther, all we can do as women and as christians is stick together. Lift each other up in prayer, giving it all to God.
There is a song I want you to hear.
Go to this and listen to You Don't Have To Know.
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/26/2008 12:16:59 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AngelInWaiting1983
Esther, all we can do as women and as christians is stick together. Lift each other up in prayer, giving it all to God.
There is a song I want you to hear.
Go to this and listen to You Don't Have To Know.
Thanks very much for that encouragement, Terri. I cried.
And that's what we can all do--we can TRUST. We all want whatever it is that God wants. He wants it worse than we do. He is perfectly capable of letting us know things if we need to know them. Therefore, if we don't know, then we don't need to know...and we're still going to end up across the lake on the other shore.
We might as well get happy and enjoy the ride. Or perhaps take a nap on the tossing boat so that we'll be refreshed when we reach the shore.
S'gonna be ok.
As my ddh used to tell me "it's not time to worry yet." I'd always make him promise that he'd tell me when it was time to worry...and he'd always promise. But it never was time...
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/27/2008 12:10:06 AM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10842
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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I'm glad that I could help. That song has done a lot for me in the past few months. I'm so very blessed to be able to call Julian my friend and to know of his music and walk with God.
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/28/2008 8:24:29 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kj88il
esther......i wish i could just give you a big hug!
in the last few months, i have come to have great respect for you...as a woman of God, as a friend, as a mother. i know you'll understand when i say...when i see you struggling with mama issues...it makes me feel less alone in this struggle. does a mama EVER get past wondering if she's supposed to put her children/family first...and hope there's something left for her at the end? or worry that if she doesn't take care of herself first...she won't be able to provide and support her children/family the best way she possibly can?
these are the things that make my heart ache...and my brain scrunch up! 
just know we are praying for you and yours. i feel confident in saying i think you're doing a fabulous job as a single mom! God has certainly blessed your children.
the only thing that stuck in my mind, as i read your posts, was about the financial aspect of your schooling. from personal experience...if you don't take advantage of the financial resources available to you now...you will may very well end up spending that money on what may prove to be things of lesser importance in the long run. one thing i know about money....there's not always more where that came from! (lol)
(oops...spelling error)
Dear Kimberly;
Thank you for your sweet post. Sometimes I get in such a dither about things that I really have no business trying to deal with. After all that I posted above, I finally have decided that worrying myself to death with trying to make impossibly judgements that aren't clearly laid out in scripture is silly. For now I'm sticking to plan A but with a more relaxed ATTITUDE about it...there is no reason why I have to graduate Dec. 2009. It'd be nice, but not necessary. God knows my times, He knows I'm grass, He knows exactly how much time I have to live and how much money it will take--and because He knows, I don't have to know.
There are ways my family does need me...They need me to be calm. They need me to be healthy. They need me to do the best I can financially until they can get out on their own. They need me to do some of the housekeeping around here, even though they are all old enough to do plenty themselves. And they need me to be emotionally available to them.
So whatever it takes for me to be those things, everything else has to take a backseat to, including school and work.
Financially, here's the deal: When my ddh was killed he had just a few months before doubled his life insurance and changed it to double indemnity.
Therefore I was well set with it and with the social security death benefit. However, almost ten years later, I have less than 1/7 of the life insurance left, two children no longer receive the ss (it stops at age 18), at least one of those children is racking up large college bills that I will have to eventually pay off, GP3 will be 18 in two years and my own ss will stop the day my youngest is 16...5 years from now.
In order to go to school, I am having to spend what's left rather extravagantly...having it is lovely, but it also keeps me from getting any financial aid either at university or anywhere else (such as GP4's private school--necessary because I can't be home to school her myself). Oh, I can get LOANS, mind you...but not real help.
I think all in all I've done well with the money, though I've probably lived a tad higher on the hog than entirely necessary. At this rate it may last as much as two more years.
Then every penny of it will be gone, with no cushion or nest egg for emergencies.
Hopefully by then I will have a degree and a way to go to work full time to support us. It won't take as much because I won't be going to school...yadda.
But because I have it, I also have the option to work more to supplement my income now, do less school, take longer to get my degree (at 48??? Doesn't seem wise) and make that money last longer.
Which is right? If I take longer to get out of school, then I may (or may not) have more time with GP3 and 4...after all, I'll have to work more.
See? It's completely impossible to make these sorts of decisions. The only one smart enough is God.
So...after prayer and a few days for the panic to subside I've decided that I know what I'm supposed to do this semester pretty well. There may be a little tweaking (there's a certain opera project at the school which I feel would look good on a resume' but would throw me out of a little bit of income), but other than that, I don't need to scurry around changing horses in the middle of the stream. As spring semester approaches, I am trusting that the Lord will have provided the information I need to make decisions for THAT semester.
Sure, I'd like to have the whole plan laid out in front of me. That'd be nice. But it's simply not necessary, nor is it scriptural. God has said we are to ask for our DAILY bread...and I would assume that would apply to the plans He has for us, too. Actually all I'm entitled to is to know what I'm supposed to do for TODAY...and look, He has mercifully provided that information for a whole semester. I should be grateful. And I am.
Sometimes I panic when I think that I will have no resources to fall back on when I reach the end of this school journey. But then, I've never gone involuntarily hungry in my whole life. So I can trust that God is going to supply the necessary when I get to the end of this money.
Many, many of my fellow single moms live without that safety net at all!! And you all seem to do fine--maybe you're not living high on the hog, but you have what you need to follow God as hard as you can. That's all I need, too.
It's funny, but I think God is teaching me the same thing in this deal with The Beau and GP1. There is literally nothing I can do for her other than listen. These are decisions she has to make and events she has to deal with on her own. And the decisions are so complex. She herself told me last night..."Mom, there is literally no way for me to sort everything out well enough to make a righteous decision. The only one smart enough is God". So...we both know what to do for now. For right now. That's hard, when we're used to planning at least a year ahead. But if that's all that God gives us, then we have to trust that it's enough.
And we have to learn not to panic just because we have so little information. Panicking makes us unavailable, to God and everyone around us...and makes it hard to hear Him, too.
Instead, we need to learn to make the most of THIS MOMENT. Make the most of the directive that we have for TODAY. Be completely in THIS MOMENT, whether it is painful and hard or easy. That's our daily bread. Our manna for tomorrow is not our concern. And frankly, today is PLENTY AND ENOUGH for this little wimp to handle well. What is that scripture? "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" and there's another that says "tomorrow will take care of itself" or something like that.
What's cool is that I can trust God knows what my family needs, too. He knows to the nth degree exactly how much of me each of them requires. I can trust Him with them and with their needs, too. Sometimes it's hard to watch them do without me...it's hard to watch them hurt or struggle without me...but then it's awesome to see how He provides, too.
Anyway...I've blabbered enough. I just wanted everyone to know that I'm learning to access the peace of God more lately.
I'm hoping to type up a detailed update on The Beau situation sometime this week...it would be nice to have a record of it somewhere. I've avoided it I think because the details are so numerous and discouraging, and they hardly matter. What is, is. Nevertheless, someday I'd like to be able to come back and say...see? God WAS working, and all this has been taken care of by Him.
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/28/2008 9:33:36 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 3951
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: PA, USA
Status: offline
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Oh, Esther! You certainly have a close walk with the Lord.
I want you to know even though you may not hear from me often, I'm always here, lurking.
_____________________________
Pam
"Sweet-talkers win at singles' bars and in politics ... often with similar outcomes for the listener."
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/28/2008 9:49:04 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: online
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Pammy;
I'm so glad you're here, whether you post or not. It's nice to know that there are people that care...cause that's another lie the enemy likes to stir up in my mind...that no one really cares about the burdens I'm carrying and the decisions I'm facing.
Of course it's a lie. After all, God Himself cares (course, sometimes I think "yeah, He only cares because He wants to do whatever painful thing it takes to make me into a better person...and I know what kind of torture THAT'S going to take), and my children care...they really do, even though they need to go on with their lives, they'll be there if I really need them.
And some of my friends here on CW really care.
I count you as one of them!
THANK YOU.
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/28/2008 2:02:25 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2104
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: online
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Thanks so much, Tink...one doesn't have to fully understand all the rubix-cube thinking my brain tries to go through in order to care that I follow God as hard as I can and to offer comfort.
I love you ALL!!!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MY CW FRIENDS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
besiderself
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/28/2008 7:01:36 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7696
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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I'm quite familiar with the feeling. I've just never had it put into such words before...LOL
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/29/2008 12:31:33 AM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10842
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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{{{Esther}}}
I pray things go well for you and that God continues to lead your life. Remeber to TRUST.
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Besiderself's Batty Belfry - 7/29/2008 12:15:10 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3830
Joined: 3/30/2007
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((((Esther))))
I'm going to email you with some of my thoughts based upon my experience. Before that, though, I have to complete a couple of things that I already committed myself to doing. Should be able to get to it within a couple of hours...
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"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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"There are no accidents in the life of faith. In its music, the accidentals perfect the harmony." 
*huggles*