Is it love? Or what is it? (Full Version)

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breanne -> Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 2:38:28 AM)

So I've had my share of crushes and whatnot in the passed. But currently, I'm in this weird thing right now that I don't know what to call.

Like I said, I've had my share of crushes. But there's this guy at work that I just can't stop thinking about. I don't know what it is. I've gotten to know him a little bit and something is just different this time.

I was sitting and talking to him one night, it was kind of late, and we didn't have anymore guests, so we just had a minute to sit and chat a little. He had sat down a little close to me. And as we sat there talking, I looked him directly in the eyes. Ever since then I swear, something has changed just.... in the way I feel towards him. I literally cannot stop thinking about him. He only works 3 days a week, so on the days where I'm working and he's not, I miss him. And then when he's there, I'm so happy. Like, he just makes me really happy and he always makes me smile at least, but never fails at making me laugh.

He's shown some signs that he's possibly interested in me too. But that's all I really know. God only knows what's going on in his mind/heart.

His name is Luke by the way. Yes, like the disciple. LOL! I asked him one day, I said, "So did you parents name you after the disciple, or they just like the name?" And he's like, "Yeah, actually they did." He meant that as in they named him after the disciple. Him and his family are Christian. His going to school for psychology but he also wants to get into ministry either become an associate pastor, youth pastor, or some sort of leader/teacher at a church. He seems like he's very smart, knows what he wants, I haven't quite seen the Christian in him yet, but in the workplace, that's not very professional and they say not to mix religion into work. I discreetly try to witness to co-workers, but I try not to be unprofessional as we are around guests all the time.

(Like I mentioned in my other thread, I work at Olive Garden.)

I'm hoping at some point, God willing that is, I'd be able to hang out with Luke outside of work and get to know him a little bit better.

We've been exchanging some flirt tactics here and there. Mostly him than me, actually. He's shown a lot of signs that he's interested in me, but I haven't really shown too many myself (at least I don't think so).

I wanted to ask though, what does this sound like. I mean. I'm always thinking about him. Thinking about him and talking about him makes me smile........ like I haven't smiled in a LONG TIME! Being around him makes me happy. And in the past, I've always been unsure and afraid of my feelings towards somebody. But this time, I feel so sure and I'm not afraid. It actually makes me happy to feel the way I do.

So I wanted to ask...... what is it I'm feeling? Cause it's definitely not just a crush. It feels like it's something more. I just have this gut feeling that it's more than just an infatuation or a crush.



agapetos -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 5:04:05 AM)

Love isn't generally something that happens instantly. Love develops with time and knowledge.

He seems to be interested in you, he's flirted with you, he's a Christian ~ I'm not surprised you feel happy around him.

Love is having someone make you feel like this, but also having the underlying knowledge and understanding of the other person to maintain the relationship when things are really bad. You don't have that at the moment.



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 9:28:50 AM)

It just seems so different though. I love being around him, and when I am, or when I see him, my heart just races.

We have a bit of a friendship going on right now. But he's definitely flirted with me and shown that he's interested. And I think he's even had a couple of the other employees find out if I have a boyfriend. Cause two of them randomly came up to me at odd moments to ask me.



laura... -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 9:33:12 AM)

You are in deep like. LOL!! Just enjoy it. Don't rush it. And wait on God.



preserved -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 10:32:33 AM)

I would not say it is love...you have not spent any real time with him. Sounds like you have desires to be with him just with how you feel when you are around him....Be careful...and do not rush things...



camelot12 -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 11:22:20 AM)

quote:

what is it I'm feeling? Cause it's definitely not just a crush. It feels like it's something more. I just have this gut feeling that it's more than just an infatuation or a crush.


Sorry to burst your bubble but that sounds like infatuation. Every single couple goes through this in the beginning of a relationship--It is normal. You may think what you have is different and no one could possibly understand (as do so many other couples) but you are wrong. The problem is lots of people confuse these "feelings for actual love,"and expect to have a lasting relationship on these temporary feelings of affection when it's really an initital spark; nature's way of getting a male and a female to bond together.

And when those "high" feelings fade (they are a spark and are not meant to last forever; the euphoria fades after 6 months-2 years) the couple thinks they are not in love anymore. They begin to take eachother for granted and may stop doing loving things that they initially did. During the infatuation stage nature made loving behavior easy to do by reinforcing contact with euphoria producing neurotransmitters. However after the flames of infatuation go away and you don't have nature's love potion anymore you may not be as lovey dovey and affectionate. However loving behavior continues to beget lovey feelings and affection. Love is not all about mushy gushy feelings, it is also a choice. Loving actions beget love.

There have been studies that show there are actually chemical changes in the brain during this initial infatuation stage. When you come into contact with a person who highly attracts you, your brain becomes saturated with PEA and other excitatory neurotransmitters including dopamine and norephinephrine. Symptoms include a positive attitude, increased energy, a decreased need for sleep, euphoria, exhileration, and obcessive thinking. This process serves to get two biologically suitable people together as crass as that sounds.

PEA, dopamine and norephineprine pack such a chemical wallop that people in the throes of infatuation undergo a temporary personality change. A bookworm may suddenly find themselves exploring the outdoors, exc., and you're on such at high in this stage that you may tend to overlook faults in the other person. They are "perfect" in your eyes (thus the blinded by love spiel). While your family may say, haven't you considered the fact that he is a practicing alcoholic, has lost 3 jobs in a row and has been divorced for only 2 months you think "we can work this out, because we are so IN LOVE." Love takes time and is based on truly knowing a person, flaws and all and still loving them.



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 11:24:05 AM)

Oh the last thing I want to do is rush things. I like being friends with him as is. I am definitely going to wait and see what happens. I can't guarantee that he won't, cause each day I have to work with him, it seems like he flirts with me more. LOL! And like, I'm really not doing anything but talking to him and such.

He's like, leaving his work station during busy hours and coming to talk to me. Standing really close to me, looking me right in the eyes, putting his hand on my shoulder, or doing a little body nudge. Just little things he's doing to be close to me. I swear, I'm not doing anything!! ROFL! It's all him!! [:D]



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 11:29:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: camelot12

quote:

what is it I'm feeling? Cause it's definitely not just a crush. It feels like it's something more. I just have this gut feeling that it's more than just an infatuation or a crush.


Sorry to burst your bubble but that sounds like infatuation. Every single couple goes through this in the beginning of a relationship--It is normal. You may think what you have is different and no one could possibly understand (as do so many other people) but you are wrong. The problem is lots of people confuse these "feelings for actual love,"and expect to have a lasting relationship on these temporary feelings of affection when it's really an initital spark; nature's way of getting a male and a female to bond together.

And when those "high" feelings fade (they are a spark and are not meant to last forever; the euphoria fades after 6-2 years) the couple thinks they are not in love anymore. They begin to take eachother for granted and may stop doing loving things that they initially did. During the infatuation stage nature made loving easy by reinforcing contact with euphoria producing neurotransmitters. They don't realize though that when you are infatuated it is very easy to do loving behavior and this loving behavior begets love feelings. Love is not all about mushy gushy feelings, it is also a choice. And the choice to love and do nice things produces feelings of affection.

There have been studies that show there are actually chemical changes in the brain during this initial infatuation stage. When you come into contact with a person who highly attracts you, your brain becomes saturated with PEA and other excitatory neurotransmitters including dopamine and norephinephrine. Symptoms include a positive attitude, increased energy, a decreased need for sleep, euphoria, exhileration, and obcessive thinking. This process serves to get two biologically suitable people together as crass as that sounds.

PEA, dopamine and norephineprine pack such a chemical wallop that people in the throes of infatuation undergo a temporary personality change. A bookworm may suddenly find themselves exploring the outdoors, exc., and you're on such at high in this stage that you may tend to overlook faults in the other person. They are "perfect" in your eyes (thus the blinded by love spiel). While your family may say, haven't you considered the fact that he is a practicing alcoholic, has lost 3 jobs in a row and has been divorced for only 2 months you think "we can work this out, because we are so IN LOVE." Love takes time and is based on truly knowing a person, flaws and all and still loving them.



Hey look, I don't know what it is, that's why I'm asking. A couple of people are calling it love, some people are calling it a crush. But when two people are interested in each other, then it's more than just one crushing on the other. Cause he's definitely given me plenty of signs that he's interested in me. I really haven't done anything.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 12:01:16 PM)

Love is something established...it's not that 'warm fuzzy feeling' you get in your tummy.

It's wiping his drool when he's too old to do it for himself.

It's grabbing your wife's favourite chocolate bar at the supermarket just to show her you were thinking of her.

It's treasuring a handful of weeds because your son was sweet enough to pick them for you.

It's seeing him all sweaty and dirty and stinky and thinking he's the most handsome man in the world because he's out providing for his family.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with infatuation. That's possibly the beginning of something wonderful. Enjoy it...giggle over it...daydream of it but don't get carried away with it. Infatuation doesn't last, but love does.

And when two people are interested in each other, it's pretty much infatuation until they get to know each other better; when they see each other's faults. Enjoy this time, sweetie! It's fun! [:D]

But don't get upset or defensive when we say it's more than likely not love.



camelot12 -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 12:15:59 PM)

quote:

Hey look, I don't know what it is, that's why I'm asking


i answered your question. My answer is it's not love it's infatuation. My guess is you want us to tell you its love, sigh. I just think it is so sad when people throw around the love word so lightly.



deermousie -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/30/2008 12:52:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: breanne

Like I said, I've had my share of crushes. But there's this guy at work that I just can't stop thinking about.


To an old campaigner like me, this is clearly infatuation. It's a rush, it's fun, it came on suddenly. Enjoy, but hold a knife to your throat, so to speak, to not let it carry you away or be the basis of any decisions.

Infatuation comes on strong based on feelings. Love takes a long time to grow, and is more about giving than getting. Love is an action, not a feeling. God will probably give you a husband (don't know who; could be this guy but likely not since you are young and there are lots of Christian guys. God knows) and your job will be to love him: give to him, submit to him, rejoice in him, overlook his faults (because we marry sinners), build him up, pick up after him (probably, unless he's teachable or his mother raised him well), and put up with him. As he needs to do for you.

Infatuation can lead to love in time. But it will take time. If you have your plans in place how to deal with guys and what you expect from the one you'll marry, it will help you to not do anything you'll later wish you hadn't.

I like this check list for husbands, and it helps weed out the ones that aren't candidates:

1. Deal breaker if they aren't:
-human
-male
-single
-Christian (mature in dealing with sin, loving the brethren, are doing ministry of some sort, etc.)
-unaddicted (no drunkenness, drugged out, gambler, sex addiction, etc.)
-chaste (sexually continent means they can tell themselves "no" and protect their purity)
-some reason that it can't be God's will (you'll know)

2. Possible deal breaker if they aren't:
-your denomination
-approved of by both sets of parents (yours and his) and mature Christians who've known him for years
-finished with education and in a career that means they can support a wife and family
-from your culture (you can marry from another culture but it really adds to life's problems)
-able to handle money well
-able to lead
-able to live with a woman in an understanding way

I hope this helps. You sound like a fine Christian young woman, and I'm confident you'll thread your way through this maze and do well. God bless!



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (5/31/2008 12:06:58 AM)

camelot, no I don't want you all to say it's love. I just want some opinions from a serious group rather than a bunch of immature teenagers who don't know right from wrong, let alone infatuation from love. LOL! Yes, I've been talking to some teenage friends.

Either way. Thanks for the input. It probably is infatuation.

Just I know in the passed. With crushes. I was distrought, I was afraid, and I wanted the feelings to go away. I would cry myself to sleep. I would cry myself awake whenever I'd dream about my crush. But this time, I think about him when I go to sleep, and if I dream about him, I wake up smiling. Or it makes me really happy to be around him.

Like tonight, I went to work to go pick up my check. And as soon as I saw him, my heart started beating a million miles an hour. I'm sure you're right, it's an infatuation, a rush. And it is a rush.

deermousie, thanks for those things to go by. I really hope that someday (possibly soon and God willing), him and I could go out for coffee and get to know one another better. I would really like to be able to ask him those kind of questions about his faith and whatnot.



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/1/2008 3:43:53 AM)

GAAAHHH! He asked for my number tonight!!! [:)]

I gave it to him though. Hahaha!!!

But he seems like he's a pretty decent guy. Joyce Meyer was just in Seattle, and he randomly told me that he went to that conference.

I'm actually really happy, and I hope he calls me really soon [:D]

Dude, I'm so lovestruck. I know ya'll are probably concerned about me, as I am concerned about me as well and my mom is. But my mom said herself she hasn't seen me so happy in a LOOOONG TIME! I mean, it's been YEARS since I've been this happy. That has to mean something, right???



rgod -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/1/2008 8:50:31 AM)

breanne,

It sounds like infatuation and mutual interest. Enjoy this time - but don't get too carried away (thinking about marriage - etc.). Just enjoy the process of getting to know this guy and prayerfully be observant of what you discover during that process.

rgod



agapetos -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/1/2008 10:00:42 AM)

quote:

I am concerned about me as well and my mom is. But my mom said herself she hasn't seen me so happy in a LOOOONG TIME! I mean, it's been YEARS since I've been this happy. That has to mean something, right???
If you are depending on this guy to make you happy, then you need to take a step back.

There is no problem with someone making us happy, but if they are the only reason that we have to be happy, we have problems. We need to learn to be happy without the influence of another (ie a single other person).

If you have a good family and social life now, great ~ maintain those relationships as well as forming this new relationship.



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/1/2008 10:55:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

quote:

I am concerned about me as well and my mom is. But my mom said herself she hasn't seen me so happy in a LOOOONG TIME! I mean, it's been YEARS since I've been this happy. That has to mean something, right???
If you are depending on this guy to make you happy, then you need to take a step back.

There is no problem with someone making us happy, but if they are the only reason that we have to be happy, we have problems. We need to learn to be happy without the influence of another (ie a single other person).

If you have a good family and social life now, great ~ maintain those relationships as well as forming this new relationship.



I'm not really DEPENDING on him to make me happy. It just so happens that way. Like, I'm just happy in general that I'm in a new environment. She saw me my very first day, at work, in action.... this was before I even developed a friendship with Luke. And she said that she saw that I was really happy, that she saw a look on my face that she hasn't seen in years. So just in a general sense, I'm happy that I'm at a job where I'm around people, I'm making FRIENDS! That's something I haven't had in a few years. Only because I was so wrapped up in my life with school, work, etc. But I'm actually at a job where I'm making friends, meeting people, and aside from Luke... THAT is what makes me happy. But I'm happier when I'm around Luke. It's just something about him. Yesterday, when I was talking to him, I couldn't not smile when I talked to him.



agapetos -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/1/2008 12:31:30 PM)

I just saw this thread that you started and wondered how long it had been since you were last here. I recognised your 'flannel_pants' name. I thought that thread was really sweet of you to do, especially as you apologised straight off.

I didn't realise you hadn't been around (which is actually quite easy, given I have close friends through forums that I don't see post much) so I did a quick search.

Sweetie, please take care. You sound as though things are coming together for you after quite a difficult start to the year. There is no harm in waiting a while before starting on a relationship with this guy ~ and even telling him to back off a bit if you feel as though he's not giving you space.

After some difficult months recently you now seem settled in a new job, with a new car and will have a new place to live. It is great that you are making friends with the other people you work with (and not just Luke).

One of the things that does concern me though is that you suddenly feeling so good could be a reaction to the stress (especially the car wreck) you've been through this year. The other is that you work with Luke. I don't know how closely you work with him, but if the relationship ended, would you still be able to work there, knowing you would have to interact with him.

I want very much for you to be happy and for God to give you even more than what you dream of for yourself, and I pray you won't get hurt in all this, so please take care.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/1/2008 4:20:20 PM)

It sounds like romance to me!

Nothing like having your first serious relationship with a guy that's interested
in you too!

I like the fact he's a Christian and that he seeks out Christian activities (such as him attending Joyce Meyer's conference.)

There a lot of positive things I'm reading in your posts... keep up the good work and
continue walking with the Lord and guarding your heart!



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/2/2008 8:16:40 AM)

Well, here's a bit of an update.

So yesterday at work, I was talking to some of the other girl hosts that trained with me. And they're like, "Luke is quite the flirt." And we talked about him a bit and I was like, "Yeah I know, he's flirted with me a lot." And they're saying that he's flirted with them a little. So then I kind of wondered if I was getting mixed signals from him.

So I talked about it with him later on, and I basically said to him, "Look, I'm hearing things about you, and I don't know if I'm getting mixed signals from you or what. You can call me if you want if you're interested. But honestly, if you're not interested and I'm just getting mixed signals, I really don't want to go down that road." And he's like, "Okay, I understand. Well, I'm not really interested in dating anyway." And I said, "Well then, that's fine. I just wanted to clear that up."

And then later, I was able to actually talk with him more when I clocked out and left. And I said to him, "You know honestly, it's really too bad cause I really like you." And I started to walk away towards my car, and he's like, "Well I like you too. I think you're an amazing person." And I just shrugged and said, "Whatever, it's cool." And he's like, "When do you work? Do you work next weekend?" I told him when I am supposed to work. And he's like, "Well no wait." And I turned around and I told him how much I really enjoy working with him and that I always have a great time working with him, and I really like it when he's there and I have a lot of fun when he's there. And I said, "But I've been through a lot of really difficult situations and like I said, I really don't want to go down that road if I'm just getting mixed signals from you." And he just stood there and listened to me. I can't remember what was said after that. I remember I was getting my keys ready. I think I said something like, "But whatever. That's fine." And I walked off and he just stood there, and he walked to his car. And he said something, but I don't remember. I just remember waving back to him, and I said something but I can't remember. All I know is after that I was really upset.

I went home and I told my mom what happened. She thinks he's still interested in me. And she just told me to not touch on the subject. Don't act different around him. Just continue to just work, be myself, and maybe he'll regret what happened and possibly get up the gall to actually ask me out.

jaime, I hoped that there was something. I don't know. Maybe God still has a plan for me with Luke in it, and maybe he doesn't. I'm just going to shrug it off and let God handle it and just live my life right now and not let it bother me.



Miril -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/2/2008 9:42:43 AM)

quote:

Maybe God still has a plan for me with Luke in it


No sweetheart God has a plan for YOU, and when you focus on God first he will bring you your "Luke" (whichever guy he has for you).

Someone else mentioned you depending on other people to bring these joyful emotions to your life. You may not realize it because you disagreed, but yes that is what you are doing. Read your posts over from beginning to end so you can see how your emotions change according to what Luke does. Unfortunately, now you are disappointed.

Don't let anyone run your emotions, create happiness for yourself. Be content with yourself first through God.

When you could bring these joyful emotions yourself you will attract the right person for you, and it will be icing to your life - not the cake (that is how it should be).



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/2/2008 2:32:41 PM)

Interesting you should put it that way. LOL Thanks. I am trying though.



preserved -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/2/2008 6:56:01 PM)

Breanne,

I was just going to respond that he could be just flirting with you because he probably has picked up on the fact that you are interested in him...

I just read all of the post and I guess I was on cue...Now you have told him that you like him...I would just talke things slow and see what develops...remember he said that he was not interested in dating...and also the fact that he was flirting with others as well..



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/2/2008 8:01:32 PM)

Yeah.... I don't know.... I'm just leaving it up to God. I'm just going to move on, and just try not to let it bother me and stress me out.



deermousie -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/3/2008 1:01:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: breanne

Well, here's a bit of an update.
And they're saying that he's flirted with them a little. So then I kind of wondered if I was getting mixed signals from him.

So I talked about it with him later on, and I basically said to him, "Look, I'm hearing things about you, and I don't know if I'm getting mixed signals from you or what. You can call me if you want if you're interested. But honestly, if you're not interested and I'm just getting mixed signals, I really don't want to go down that road."


Whoo-woo! A sane woman who talks the truth and doesn't play games! You rock, girl!

quote:

I went home and I told my mom what happened.


Smart.

quote:

She thinks he's still interested in me. And she just told me to not touch on the subject. Don't act different around him. Just continue to just work, be myself, and maybe he'll regret what happened and possibly get up the gall to actually ask me out.


You are wise to listen to your mom, whom I think is wise, too.

quote:

Maybe God still has a plan for me with Luke in it, and maybe he doesn't. I'm just going to shrug it off and let God handle it and just live my life right now and not let it bother me.


A+ young lady! God does have a plan, and it will be good, whether it's this guy or someone better (see Ps. 84:11, and rejoice). Your approach is so good; you will do very well! God bless you, dear.



breanne -> RE: Is it love? Or what is it? (6/3/2008 11:48:35 AM)

deermousie, Thanks! I appreciate your comments :)

I think it might be slightly awkward to be around him, but at the same time I think I might be able to just continue to be friendly with him as if nothing happened. Because honestly, I'm just more upset at the fact that THAT is how I had to tell him that I like him. I hoped it would have been in a different setting, that it would have been over coffee or something. But it had to be in a way that I was frustrated and such.

But I swear, ever since that night, the look on his face when I was talking to him..... I just can't get it out of my head. He just had this look like he was listening and taking in everything I was saying.

I mean, if he didn't like me or wasn't interested, I wouldn't be catching him staring at me all the time. Like a lot over the course of Saturday and Sunday when I worked with him, so many times I would see him out of the corner of my eye just gazing at me. Haha! Like, seriously just standing there watching me. And when he looks at me, he looks at me like he cares, ya know? It's hard to explain, I think you get what I mean. But like, he wouldn't look at me the way he does if he wasn't interested. So I know that he probably likes me too. But at this point, yeah like I said, I'm just going to let it go and just move on. And just let things happen as they happen in God's time.



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