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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/3/2008 1:57:54 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
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Thank you all again for your encouragement and advice. The lady and I met together today for our children to play together. She's really nice and I really like her. I called hubby afterward and said that the Monday night Bible studies would last until about 8:30 or 9:00. He said, "Well, we'll see." Whatever that means....and he quickly changed the subject............
I am very tired right now, so not feeling much like typing a lot, but that's basically the only update right now. This situation is far from over as far as us talking about it though...
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Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/3/2008 4:24:53 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10189
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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You know, a lot of fathers are reluctant to be left alone with the kiddos at first. If he's not done it before, it can be kind of scary...what if he doesn't do something right, what if one of the kids gets hurt and he doesn't know what to do? But the only way to learn is to do it.
I would tell him that you feel it is important to you, spiritually and emotionally, to go to this Bible study. That women need that connection with other women, especially when they are home all day with the kids. Tell him it is his choice...he can stay with the kids OR you can ask his parents to watch them if he really thinks he can't do it. That puts the ball in his court, gives him a couple options, and doesn't ask his permission. Either his male pride will not allow him to have you ask his parents or he won't care if you do...in which case, you still get to go.
Do not allow him to tell you you cannot go out for Bible study one night a week. Period. You're not going out to a bar, for pete's sake...you're going to a Bible study. Don't ask. Tell him your plan and let him decide which option he wants.
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/3/2008 9:46:17 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 1680
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Hillary, listen to Donna. She is absolutely correct about the bible study. I am sure he will agree because if he doesn't, then you are going to ask his parents, and when they find out that he refuses to stay with the kids so you can go to bible study, I am sure his dad might have something to say to him. He may not care, but with his dad being a pastor and all, he should be encouraging both of you to read your bibles and pray daily and attend studies when you get a chance. Have you talked to any of your sisters or SILs about any of this? Have you talked to anybody about this? Hillary, you need to talk to someone. I am thinking that at this point, you might want to talk to a therapist. Just to sort out some things. You need to be able to get a different perspective and look at things in a different way, and learn how to take control of certain situations. Just think about it.
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/3/2008 10:12:12 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
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Well, it happened tonight ladies. He hit another button, and although it wasn't major, it was a starting point for sure. I can't give much detail right now, but will tomorrow. At least it's out there now. I'm not sure if things went well or not so well, but at least we are still speaking.
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/4/2008 10:41:21 AM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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Wow...what happened in the marriage forum last night?! I did my last post a little after 10 PM, and when I came back in to check this morning, there were so many new messages that my thread was all the way on the second page. Wow!
So, here is how everything went. I was helping the kids get to bed, tucking them in and all, and hubby yells from the living room to me at the other end of the house, "I'm huuungggry!"
I leave the children and come to him and say, "Well, what do you want?" At that point, I proceed to get my shoes on because earlier that day he told me that a young lady from our church had invited us to her birthday party. He wasn't sure if he was going to go or not, and everytime I asked what he wanted if we didn't go, he just said that he didn't know. I asked him about several things, and he'd just groan...so I didn't plan ANYTHING. I wasn't hungry because of a sizable and late lunch, so I didn't eat anything for dinner. So, he said, "What do we have?"
I said, "Peanut butter!" (LOL)
He said, "WHAT?! We talked about having sandwiches. YOU DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING FOR SANDWICHES."
"You never said that you wanted sandwiches. I asked you and you never said anything...besides, you just decided that you weren't going to the birthday party at 7 o'clock tonight."
"Well, now it's 9 o'clock. You had two hours."
By this time, I was walking away and didn't hear him, so I turned back and said, "I'm sorry?"
He said, "DO YOU NEED A HEARING AIDE?"
I said, "YEAH, you can get my one for my birthday. Or did you know that I had one coming up soon?"
We were both very irritated by this time, so I got my purse and asked if he wanted anything specific. He didn't.
I mingled around the grocery store for a long time...about twice as long as I needed to because I didn't want to come home.
When I got back, I got his food, and sat down. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, but he was watching something about boats on youtube...so I said, "Aren't you watching that?"
"Yeah, it will be over in 5 minutes."
I said that was okay and meanwhile went to check messages on the computer.
He continued watching YouTube for a while, and by thet time he was ready for seconds, he wanted to watch the movie. I got his food, put in the movie, and sat down, at which he made another off-hand, rude comment, and I just looked at him like, "Who are YOU?"
He said, "You need to get a better attitude."
I said, "Maybe I would if things were better."
"What things?"
"This," I said as I pointed to me and him....
More later...the kids are pestering me to go outside....
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/4/2008 12:23:32 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
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He: "This...what do you mean by this?" he asked with a demeaning look.
Me: "Me and you."
He: "Is this because I asked you to go get me something to eat?"
Me: "No, but that was a good starting point. In those exchange of words, there was no love, no respect. The Bible says that the thing a woman needs the most from her husband is love, and the thing a man needs most from his wife is respect. Neither one of us have been doing very great at that lately."
He: "Okay, then I'll do better and you do better."
He wanted the conversation to end there, I could tell, but I said, "We really need to talk about some things."
He: "So, talk."
So, I proceeded to tell him about the things he has done during our intimate times that have really hurt me... He gets upset.
He: "Where is this coming from? Why now? Why today? Just leave, and let me eat in peace."
I get up and move to the dining room table, about as close as I was to him before, but determined not to say anything first. I had got one point out in the open, so we'd see where he went with that. I didn't sit there quiet for long until he said, "WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?"
Me: "Well, my head and my heart."
He: "How long have you been holding it in there?"
Me: "Too long. I know that I should have said that these things hurt me when they happened, but I didn't because I didn't want you to get upset. See, you are yelling at me right now, and this is why I didn't say anything before because I didn't want to get you mad at me."
He shakes his head and continues to eat. "Well, what else have I done that you have in your head and heart that you haven't told me?"
I mention a few of the bigger points...the ones that weigh heaviest on my heart.
He: "I thought everything was going good. I'm sorry. I won't do those things anymore."
I was crying by this time, so I just nodded my head.
He: "I could have beat you up after you told me that, but I didn't. See, I'm not such a bad guy."
I just nodded.
He: "I thought we had a good time cuddling on the couch the other evening."
The only thing I could manage through my tears was, "We did."
He: "I'm not such a bad guy."
Then, we cuddled on the couch again like we did the other night...eventually went to bed and cuddled there. He hasn't mentioned it since then...neither have I, but I've definitely seen a softer side of him since. BUT it is midday here, and he hasn't called me at all today. I'm sure they are busy with the holiday and everything, but it's his lunch hour...he always calls me on his lunch hour.
I guess things went okay. He did eventually tell me that he loved me, as we do every night before we go to sleep and when he left for work this morning, but during the whole conversation, I was thinking..."All I want to hear is a sincere 'I love you.'"
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Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/4/2008 12:46:47 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10991
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
Status: online
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quote:
He: "I could have beat you up after you told me that, but I didn't. See, I'm not such a bad guy."
Physical isn't the only form of abuse.
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Tricia
"There's a fine line between being open minded and being empty headed." ~Michael Coren
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/4/2008 2:46:00 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 601
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
He: "I thought everything was going good. I'm sorry. I won't do those things anymore."
I was crying by this time, so I just nodded my head.
He: "I could have beat you up after you told me that, but I didn't. See, I'm not such a bad guy."
I just nodded. highlight added
I am SHOCKED that this even came out of his mouth. So he thinks it's ok to beat a woman who dares to bring up serious marital issues for discussion. To even say it in a sort of joking way it sick. It really shows the true condition of his heart that he would respond in this way to you. I'm hoping you nodded because you were crying so hard you couldn't do anything else, not in agreement with what he said. You don't believe that a man has a right to beat an "unsubmissive" (using that term very loosely---you weren't being unsubmissive in this situation, you were standing up for Righteousness) do you?
Also, I don't want to be discouraging but I don't believe that this is going to really be a major turning point for him. He may have said he won't do these things anymore but he said that about the restaurant (just to appease you in front of your friends) and look what happened.
On the other hand, I am proud of you for having the courage to bring up these issues. Good for you!!! Don't back down, stay strong!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'll be praying for you today. (((((VIW))))))
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/4/2008 3:11:45 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
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I understand that physical isn't the only form of abuse. I don't think this is the end all. I think of this as step one, maybe step two...but at least a step in the right direction.
My husband nor I believe that it's okay to beat anyone. He is one of the least physically violent people that I know. He does get harsh with words, but he's never touched me in an abusive way. What he meant was that I could have married someone who would think it was okay to beat a woman who said the things to him that I said...trying to point out that he's not so bad. His "I'm not so bad" comments were really soft-toned.
Thank you all for your prayers. I appreciate that more than I can tell you.
Well, time will tell if he has been honest in this conversation. That's all the test that we really have. Tonight, we have a family get-together, so that will be a good test, I think...just to see if he treats me differently in front of them...
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 2:09:28 PM
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hnt
Posts: 548
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Vistor:
He is using those statements to divert off the conversation, and to mininize his actions so you will drop it. This is one of the sticky points that people have SUCH a hard time explaining to others. It really doesn't matter HOW long this has been in your head and in your heart! You were asking him to talk about this, and he didn't talk. A sentence here and there along the lines of, 'we both have things to work better at' is just a starting point of a conversation.......NOT a beginning, middle and end! You can also see that he uses these tactics to stop interaction all together. The party was another good example of that.
People use these tactics to stop the conversation and the subject of their behavior. It brings up anxiety for them, and they do things to stop the conversation. If you push.......they get angry! Its a tool for them.
After a while people stop communicating with them at all, because of the frustration of NOT getting any answers. They don't see these patterns, and they don't see the habit patterns that they use. They start to doubt themselves, and wonder HOW could I have said something different - or don't something different to have a better ending. The answer is you can't. It doesn't help when others tell you that you have a communication problem either. Communication takes two, and when you have one that shuts it down.....its no longer a two person issue. Communication issues the way most people mean it when they mention it takes TWO to learn!
The other aspect of this is when you do force the point, and make the issue come into the light they either bring up your poor points, and blow a gasket. Again they do this out of aniexty I believe - because they don't want to face it. They don't want to talk about it. They want everyone to ignore the elephant in the living room. That is their goal, and they will use everything that they can to accomplish that.
He knew it was rude to mention he was hungry the way he did. You notice he brought that up when you wanted to start a conversation? You didn't bring it up - he did! He knew! He never really addressed it either. He went off into other areas INSTEAD of addressing that! He figures if you watch a movie with him - you will forgive and forget. He won't have to deal with it, and you won't be mad anymore.
I do think some people have communication issues. We have all seen them. This to me isn't a garden variety type. YES you are NOT communicating, but that is because one party is doing their darnest to make sure communicating doesn't HAPPEN! He knows you don't like confrontation, and uses tactics that make you feel uncomfortable so you drop it. You can't communicate at all if that happens, esplly when you can't see it. Most people don't either.
It may take a confrontation to make him admit anything, or do anything about this. It won't be easy for him to stop either, because its worked for him for so long. YOu may need to learn that confrontation at times is needed, and he needs to deal with his anxiety levels better.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 3:41:31 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2920
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
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Visitorinwaiting,
You are in my prayers, and I commend you for trying to work through this.
A word of advice on what's happened so far. Almost everything you have said about him is ultimately about you, and it's continually revealing your need to be affirmed. There is nothing wrong with needing to be affirmed. We all need that. But a human being no matter how close to us they are, cannot do that for us. It is an unreasonable expectation because it's expecting from man what only God can do. The best and most reasonable expectation is to seek what the Lord wants and to first receive His affirmation of you as valued and loved. If you will turn toward that, I can guarantee that the interactions with your husband will have another tenor, a better tenor, and you will not be in the place of starving for crumbs of love and affection from him. But when someone is starved, it's hard to be clear headed about what's going on. When someone is satisfied, it's so much easier to understand, and the confidence that goes with that satisfaction is usually more attractive to others as well.
Feed yourself with the Lord's love of you. Let Him be the one who makes you utterly content -- despite the situation you're in. Let knowledge of Him be what affirms and therefore motivates you. This is the secret Paul was talking about in Philippians 4. He wasn't just speaking to natural hunger but to whatever situation he found himself in. If memory serves, he was in prison on threat of death and possibly standing in muck above his knees when he wrote that. Wow! His circumstances truly did not dictate his contentment. You need that kind of contentment, and you're never going to get it in these interactions with your husband. You also need that kind of contentment to really understand how to set boundaries appropriately.
Many blessings, and I hope you receive what I've said in the way it was given -- out of concern for you.
_____________________________
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 4:08:49 PM
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cindybode
Posts: 1561
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
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Hnt nailed it. Your husband knows you well enough to know where the "off" switch is - if he says and does certain things, you will either get frustrated with him and drop it, or you will get distracted and drop it, but either way, you'll drop it. We wouldn't happen to be married to the same man, would we? 
You left in the middle of tucking your kids in to make your husband a sandwich? I'm sorry, I didn't realize he was disabled. That's the only way an adult man would get me to drop what I'm doing and make him a sandwich, and even then, he'd have had to be near death to not be able to wait a few more minutes while I finished tucking the kids in. 
Then, although it was totally his fault that you didn't have what he wanted to eat, you went to the store??!! Do you see what's happening here? Baby boy threw a temper tantrum, and Mommy ran around getting him what he wanted so he wouldn't be angry with her. You are so afraid of losing his love that you will do anything he wants, no matter how selfish and unreasonable he's being. Lest you think I don't know what it's like, that's exactly the reaction my dh would have had about 10 years ago. I finally had enough. In my house, that little display would have been met with a calm, "Sorry, I guess you should have been more clear about what you wanted to do. I thought we were going to the party, so no, I didn't go shopping. You're welcome to run out and pick something up for yourself if you like. I'm really not hungry." Then I would have curled up with a good book.
I also get and agree with what Bzirk is saying, but understand that being content in the Lord and getting affirmation from Him does not mean that we allow our spouses to treat us badly (and I know you didn't mean it that way, Lisa, but I wanted it to be clear).
Hillary, I don't mean to sound harsh - you know I'm trying to help - but you need to grow a backbone. Your husband will continue to treat you this way for as long as you continue to allow it. Rock his world a little, and you might see some changes.
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If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 4:13:37 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2920
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cindybode
Hnt nailed it. Your husband knows you well enough to know where the "off" switch is - if he says and does certain things, you will either get frustrated with him and drop it, or you will get distracted and drop it, but either way, you'll drop it. We wouldn't happen to be married to the same man, would we?
You left in the middle of tucking your kids in to make your husband a sandwich? I'm sorry, I didn't realize he was disabled. That's the only way an adult man would get me to drop what I'm doing and make him a sandwich, and even then, he'd have had to be near death to not be able to wait a few more minutes while I finished tucking the kids in.
Then, although it was totally his fault that you didn't have what he wanted to eat, you went to the store??!! Do you see what's happening here? Baby boy threw a temper tantrum, and Mommy ran around getting him what he wanted so he wouldn't be angry with her. You are so afraid of losing his love that you will do anything he wants, no matter how selfish and unreasonable he's being. Lest you think I don't know what it's like, that's exactly the reaction my dh would have had about 10 years ago. I finally had enough. In my house, that little display would have been met with a calm, "Sorry, I guess you should have been more clear about what you wanted to do. I thought we were going to the party, so no, I didn't go shopping. You're welcome to run out and pick something up for yourself if you like. I'm really not hungry." Then I would have curled up with a good book.
I also get and agree with what Bzirk is saying, but understand that being content in the Lord and getting affirmation from Him does not mean that we allow our spouses to treat us badly (and I know you didn't mean it that way, Lisa, but I wanted it to be clear).
Hillary, I don't mean to sound harsh - you know I'm trying to help - but you need to grow a backbone. Your husband will continue to treat you this way for as long as you continue to allow it. Rock his world a little, and you might see some changes.
When someone is secure in who they are and know they're loved, they usually have more of a backbone. It's really good when the love and security come from the Lord. If she receives that from the Lord, then she will know how to set boundaries appropriately --which includes knowing when to take a hard line and knowing when to turn the other cheek.
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Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 4:26:23 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 2920
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Where the deer and antelope play
Status: offline
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Cindy,
You're right. It's been misconstrued a lot. So it was good you clarified.
The truth is that Christian can try to make things too simple sometimes in order to handle it themselves without the Lord really being involved. In other words, they tend to merely adopt a code of ethics from scripture, but the Lord is really not in the middle of what's going on.
_____________________________
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 4:34:51 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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Okay...I know I have a lot to answer to here...and I will do just that tonight after the kids are asleep...but for now, just an update...
It's been how many days now since the conversation? A little less than two days...not very long of testing grounds, BUT he has been better. He does have an anger problem that he needs to work on, and his dad has been talking about that with him for as long as I have been around... His tone has been much softer, and he's been much more patient with me these past couple of days...at the family get together, he came to FIND me, instead of sitting down with the others when he first came in, to say Hi and give me a kiss... He wouldn't have done that if the family get together had been a week ago. I know him well enough to know that. Things are better...not 100% better, but I think we have a good starting point. My heart feels much lighter just having all the issues out in the open. I do have a differing opinion on some issues mentioned than some of you, but we'll get to that tonight when I have more time...
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 7:26:29 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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quote:
He is using those statements to divert off the conversation, and to mininize his actions so you will drop it.
I understand that he was trying to divert the conversation...but if he thinks this is the end all, he is wrong.
quote:
You can also see that he uses these tactics to stop interaction all together. The party was another good example of that.
The party was a way to stop interaction all together? Hmm...if that was so, it would have seemed that he would have come up with another excuses not to go to the family gathering last night...since most of the people at the family gathering would be the same people that would have been at the party.
quote:
People use these tactics to stop the conversation and the subject of their behavior.
The conversation came way after the decision not to go to the party...so I don't see how the party was an example of a tactic...
quote:
He knew it was rude to mention he was hungry the way he did. You notice he brought that up when you wanted to start a conversation? You didn't bring it up - he did! He knew! He never really addressed it either. He went off into other areas INSTEAD of addressing that! He figures if you watch a movie with him - you will forgive and forget. He won't have to deal with it, and you won't be mad anymore.
Maybe I didn't make this clear. He was already eating when the conversation started. So, he didn't divert the conversation by saying that he was hungry. He did mention it in the conversation, thinking that was the thing that really set me off, when it was truly many things, and that just became the final straw. Honestly, you all couldn't see his face. He was SHOCKED. He was HURT. He was embarrassed. He was like a deer caught in the headlights. Many times he just looked at me speechless. I REALLY believe that in his heart of hearts that he wants to be a good husband and treat me right...he just makes big mistakes sometimes. I make a lot of mistakes in how I respect him too... I don't believe mine are as "bad" as his, but I do think that we both need to work on some things to strengthen our marriage.
I want to make clear...in NO WAY am I condoning his behavior. He has been absolutely ROTTEN to me, and he has some serious things to make up for...but the Bible says to forgive seventy times seven...that's a lot...and even so, I'm not counting. I could take what he has done for the past couple of days and just see that it's a temporary thing and that he will get back to his old behavior, or I could praise God for the good things happening, and pray that it continues. I have begun to treat him differently, he has began to treat me differently, and Lord willing, this is a change that we have made in our hearts, and not just on the outside. I will have my guard up for a while, and I will certainly have my eyes and ears open.
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 7:31:13 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bzirk
You are in my prayers, and I commend you for trying to work through this.
Thank you!
Your words definitely spoke to my heart. I was rocky in my relationship with the Lord up until about 8 months ago... Since then, I have had a very close relationship with Him. When you gave your first words of advice on this, I took what you said and started finding verses, studies, etc, that shows me that when I feel unloved, remember that God loves you....seek Him to give you what your heart desires. I think now would be a good time to go back over my notes from those studies and continue to ground my heart in Him.
Thanks for being an encourager!
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 7:51:50 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cindybode
You left in the middle of tucking your kids in to make your husband a sandwich? I'm sorry, I didn't realize he was disabled. That's the only way an adult man would get me to drop what I'm doing and make him a sandwich, and even then, he'd have had to be near death to not be able to wait a few more minutes while I finished tucking the kids in.
My children had been tucked in once already...so I was actually in there giving them a mini-speech on staying in bed. It was the tone in which he said, "I'm hungry," that really got to me... So, yes, I left them when he said that because I was really upset with him and wanted to look him in the face. Here is where we differ: I have been called by God to be a wife and a mother. My husband and my children are my top priority. The Bible even tells us to obey our husbands as long as what they ask is not sinful. I don't think leaving the kids, stopping my mini-speech, to go get him some food would be considered sinful. He wanted something to eat, he made the money to pay for it, so I went to get it.
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Then, although it was totally his fault that you didn't have what he wanted to eat, you went to the store??!! Do you see what's happening here? Baby boy threw a temper tantrum, and Mommy ran around getting him what he wanted so he wouldn't be angry with her. You are so afraid of losing his love that you will do anything he wants, no matter how selfish and unreasonable he's being. Lest you think I don't know what it's like, that's exactly the reaction my dh would have had about 10 years ago. I finally had enough. In my house, that little display would have been met with a calm, "Sorry, I guess you should have been more clear about what you wanted to do. I thought we were going to the party, so no, I didn't go shopping. You're welcome to run out and pick something up for yourself if you like. I'm really not hungry." Then I would have curled up with a good book.
Who cares whose fault it was...he was hungry...he wanted something to eat. Whether or not he had had a "temper tantrum," I would have still went to get him something to eat. He provides our income, I think the least I can do is provide the meals. He did overreact, he did get angry...so should my response to his sin be more sin? To not obey where the Lord says to obey? To be unsubmissive where the Lord says to submit? The Bible even tells us to win them without a word...so responding negatively would have definitely not followed that chain of command. Am I afraid of losing his love? Not so much now...three days ago, yes, majorly, three years ago, no way. So, I think we are working our way back to where we once were...WITH A LOT OF WORK. It's not going to be easy, but I think we will do it, and I think we are on our way. I have already explained that my belief in what the Word commands me as a wife is why I did what he wanted and will continue to do what he wants me to do as long as I'm capable and it doesn't go against the Word. I am SURE that you know what it's like...I don't doubt that for a second. Oh, and by the way, he did say that he would go get himself something to eat, but I told him that I already had my shoes on, and I'd go.
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Hillary, I don't mean to sound harsh - you know I'm trying to help - but you need to grow a backbone. Your husband will continue to treat you this way for as long as you continue to allow it. Rock his world a little, and you might see some changes.
Rock his world a little? Like how?
Thanks...I will work on growing a backbone.
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Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 7:56:00 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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ONCE AGAIN, I WANT TO SAY THAT I AM NOT CONDONING THE THINGS THAT MY HUSBAND DID. HE WAS WRONG. HE WAS IN SIN. HE WAS NOT BEING THE HUSBAND HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN. ALL OF MY PREVIOUS POSTS STILL STAND 100%, EXCEPT now he has apologized, and I think that I should work on forgiving...not forgetting, but forgiving.
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Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 8:10:23 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 840
Status: offline
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My husband just made me cry again..............
I sent him an email yesterday. I told him some of the other minor issues that I hadn't brought up in our conversation, told him how difficult it was for me to just do what I had done, etc, etc.
He just called me from work and said that he got my email. He said that things are going to change. He said that he wants to be the husband and father that God wants him to be. He said that he wouldn't change anything about his life...not me, not the kids, nothing. He said that he loves me and he's glad that I still love him.
Just wanted to share.....
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Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 8:31:24 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10189
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
I REALLY believe that in his heart of hearts that he wants to be a good husband and treat me right...he just makes big mistakes sometimes. I make a lot of mistakes in how I respect him too... I don't believe mine are as "bad" as his, but I do think that we both need to work on some things to strengthen our marriage.
That is a good place to be in...where you both know that you have things to work on. We all do, no matter how "happy" our marriages.
Still praying for you.
And for the record, I would have gone to get something to eat too. And gotten an ice cream for myself also.  I don't know about you, but by that time, I would have been itching to get out of the house, even if the kids were asleep, and especially with him being ornery. I like my alone time in the van...when I can crank up the worship music and get my own self straightened out before I deal with whoever is bothering me. But that's me...
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RE: Double Standard vent... - 7/5/2008 8:35:52 PM
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