Double Standard vent... (Full Version)

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VisitorinWaiting -> Double Standard vent... (5/31/2008 4:20:25 PM)

I am pretty sure this doesn't fit into a one stop thread because it's not about roles in the home...but if it needs to be moved...then go ahead...

I am so upset with my husband right now...I don't know what to do. He is out on his boat that he's had for only a few weeks...with other family...not me, not our children...others... Have I been on the boat? Yes, once...for about an hour...and my children were on at that time too...so basically, he has been on the boat four or five times, but with us, only once. We have out of town visitors coming today...and he left the house... I was left here with three children to get everything ready for company by myself. All of this, I can take...doesn't set well sometimes, but I CAN take it. The visitors coming today is a friend of mine from college and his wife. The guy and I were friends from the time I was 18...we spent a lot of time together, but never were a "couple." Hubby knows all of this. Anyway, the friend let me know what time he'd be here...so, I let hubby know. Hubby calls me a while ago, and says, "We are going to a new place this time." Like I really wanted to hear that he was exploring new places with someone other than me...but I said, "Okay. Do you have any idea when you will be home?" He tells me...and says, "What?" He could tell that I wasn't happy. I said that I would like to clean MYSELF up a little before anyone came over. He said, "Who is coming over?" I told him that he knew, and he said that no one was coming over until we wanted them to. I said, "Well, I told you what time he's expecting to be here." He said that he knew, but he could do something else until he was ready for him to come into our house. I THINK that he didn't want him coming to visit without him home...which is understandable...but if that's his attitude...then tell me why this next situation even happened.....

We had a new neighbor move in. He didn't know her, didn't know she was moving in, but decided that when he saw a moving truck, he'd go see if anyone needed help. So, he was there helping her for a few hours get moved in. Then he came home and told me how great she looked...and told me about all of her womanly features...things that I didn't want to know about...then mentioning that she had dogs that were untrained, so he offered to help her train them. Then a few nights later when we were in bed, he said her name...I froze, stared at him, and said, "Don't do that again. I don't like that." He said okay and hasn't done it since, but it hurt so much...and it still does. So, later, I see him outside with the boys, and she comes out with the dogs...they are all playing with the dogs...and he said that she offered to let the boys go with her next time that she takes them to the park. So, just a few days ago, hubby took the boys for a walk, they "ran into" her, and she invited them to go to the dog park. Our little girl was in bed asleep...so I had to stay home with her. He came in and said, "We are going to the dog park with....." I said, "Now?" Meaning that I didn't think he should be going anywhere with a girl without me along...even if the kids were with him...but he went.

Now, how is this different? It seems to me that I should be the one upset about him going somewhere with a girl that he obviously finds attractive rather than him being upset about me seeing a friend and his wife that I had the opportunity to do whatever we wanted to do with him for 5 years, but never did... ARGH! I am so upset right now that I don't even know what to do with myself.............................



ta_mosquito -> RE: Double Standard vent... (5/31/2008 5:41:27 PM)

I don't recall your situation - is your husband a Christian?

Did you set any sort of parameters/boundaries when you were dating or got married regarding friendships with the opposite gender?

I do think he's being very unreasonable about this other woman. I mean - calling out her name?? [&:]

I don't think that the "I don't have anything for my male friend but he seems to have something for the neighbor" part is important. I think what's good for the goose is good for the gander, regardless of an individual's feelings toward the person in question.

When all has blown over and you both are in OK moods, can you bring this up to him, mentioning that you're very uncomfortable having him do things with the neighbor, and for the sake of your marriage, would he please set up a boundary there?

As for the boat thing, it could be that he just doesn't want the hassle of having to pack up all the kids and bring them along, whereas going with other adults is more relaxing. And unfortunately, the kids are often packaged with you, so you can't get away on your own. That's just an initial thought, though.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (5/31/2008 7:40:09 PM)

I don't know if you're husband is a Christian but this isn't how a Christian husband should behave. It's selfish behavior. When a man gets married his time is no longer his own (Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker & S. Arterburn). A Christlike husband would have stayed home to help his wife get ready for company.....not gone out to play leaving his wife with all the work. I can definitely understand why you are upset. [&:]

I'm even more concerned with the whole neighbor issue though.

quote:

Then he came home and told me how great she looked...and told me about all of her womanly features...things that I didn't want to know about...then mentioning that she had dogs that were untrained, so he offered to help her train them. Then a few nights later when we were in bed, he said her name...I froze, stared at him, and said, "Don't do that again. I don't like that."


This is DEEPLY disturbing. I would be concerned that something inappropriate is going on with the neighbor or if it's not already going on then it has the potential to develope. Nip it in the bud while you can. Put your foot down on this issue. I would have a HUGE problem if my husband described any other woman's "womanly features". Afterall, a married man has no business looking at other women's "womanly features" ESPECIALLY if he's a Christian. Not to mention that he said her name while in bed with you. That's sick. It's completely immoral/sinful if it's in the context I'm thinking it was in. [:'(]

I agree with Tricia that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he doesn't want you doing it then he shouldn't be doing it either.

I'm sorry you're going through this.



manda59 -> RE: Double Standard vent... (5/31/2008 7:47:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
We have out of town visitors coming today...and he left the house...



Did you remind him before he left that you had company coming?



futuremartyr -> RE: Double Standard vent... (5/31/2008 9:47:24 PM)

It's not different and I would be suspcious of adultery. Seek biblical marriage counseling ASAP.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/1/2008 12:53:47 AM)

Is this neighbor married? I am assuming not. If that is the case then where is her husband.

Your male friend is married and brought his wife. I don't think that is the same as your husband being with a single woman.

I would talk to your husband about this ASAP. Don't assume, just let your concerns be known. If you have to wait awhile to simmer down, do that. Don't confront him in anger.



hnt -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/1/2008 11:04:18 AM)

You most definately have a situation going on.

He knows company is coming - goes out on his boat instead staying home - decides he wants to go someplace else - and tells you to tell company they can wait for him, and HE will tell them when to arrive.

????

I have wonder if he didn't wish to have this college friend and his wife come over to begin with. If that is the case he certainly isn't handling it like a mature adult.

If that is NOT the case - he needs to look at the fact he is treating his guest very rudely...and along with you.

You have every right to confront him about this new neighbor! I don't think anyone would like that dynamic!



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/1/2008 9:55:56 PM)

My friend came, and left a couple of hours ago. I had fun. We had fun...my friend, his wife, and I. I'm not sure about hubby...he hasn't really said anything about having a good time...so I don't know...I honestly, at this point, don't care. That's horrible. I shouldn't feel that way, but he has really stepped all over me, and I don't feel close to him right now. Hmmm...some questionst hat were posted....

quote:

is your husband a Christian?

He claims to be...his dad, our pastor, seems to think that he is too...long story there too...which would just come to the conclusion that they do not know about this neighbor situation, they do know about the friend situation...which wasn't a situation at all...and IF I had to the courage to go to them for Godly counsel, my husband would probably never speak to me again...

quote:

Did you set any sort of parameters/boundaries when you were dating or got married regarding friendships with the opposite gender?


Not really. He knew that I had several male friends...I knew that some of his friends were female, and at first, I think we were both okay with that...but then, if I saw him chatting online with female friends, I would feel strange about it...and he would do the same if I did that...so I stopped...he stopped... We did talk about our friends being part of our past when we were in pre-martial counseling...and that it was okay to still have those friends, but they wouldn't be as much a part of our lives now....

quote:

It's completely immoral/sinful if it's in the context I'm thinking it was in.


Yep...you are probably heading in the right direction...maybe not exactly what you are thinking, but I'm guessing you are pretty close...

quote:

Nip it in the bud while you can.


What should I do? I haven't ever been faced with this...never thought I would have to... He has that way about him though, where he looks at other ladies and says things about them to me... I feel like I'm just a piece of meat that he can use because I'm here... He doesn't look at ME that way... :( Sad thing...friend told me today before church that I was pretty...he is the first man that has told me that in years. My two little boys tell me that all the time, but hubby hasn't said it in so long that I can't remember when he last told me. I honestly don't think he loves me anymore, and if he could get out, he would.

quote:

Did you remind him before he left that you had company coming?


It as all we'd been talking about all morning...besides how long he was going to be on his boat...to which the reply was "I don't know."

quote:


I have wonder if he didn't wish to have this college friend and his wife come over to begin with.


I don't think he really wanted him to come but he never came out and said it... He (and just about anyone else that knew me before I was married) thinks that there was something between me and this friend... We were never a couple. I liked him for a while, he liked me for a while, but we never acted on it...we've never held hands, much less done anything else romanticly involved. We were friends...best friends...that's all...

quote:

Is this neighbor married?

No.

My friend was my friend...just like he used to be...he treated me with respect, was so kind...and treated his wife the same way...I saw them several times rubbing each other's backs, etc, and it was so nice to see...hubby hardly touches me...I find myself wishing they were back just so I could feel nice again...



lightshineon -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/1/2008 10:31:53 PM)

OHHHHHHHh, I all I can say is I don't think so. Meaning I would never put up with that. To each their on, but, he would stay away from the chick next door, never mention her name, and when he took the boat, it would be a family affair.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 12:15:53 AM)

I'm sorry, Hillary. I know exactly how it feels when your husband puts everyone and everything above you.

Your husband is commanded in scripture to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He is not doing that. He is acting like a selfish 2 year old who wants to do his own thing, and yet wants to have control over what you do and who you see. He needs to grow up and start acting like an adult. Your job in the marriage is to be his helpmeet - not his doormat, not his respect-him-no-matter-how-he-acts enabler, his helpmeet, which means helping him become Christlike.

Unfortunately, most people don't change until it becomes too uncomfortable to stay where they are. You need to begin to nicely remind him that he is not being Christlike in how he is treating you. You need to refuse to tolerate that kind of behavior.

Go HERE for some help in that direction.

I could talk for hours (well, you knew that anyway, right? [8D] ), but I don't want to totally dominate the thread. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. My dh really struggles in this area too, and sometimes I feel like I just want to say forget it! and move on with my life. I didn't expect to have to raise my husband as well, but I know that's not what God wants and so I dig in and grit my teeth and go one more round. And you know what? On the days he gets it, when he really is acting in a Christlike manner, it's so nice. I am believing that eventually there will be more of those kind of days and fewer of the rotten ones.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 3:11:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindybode

I'm sorry, Hillary. I know exactly how it feels when your husband puts everyone and everything above you.

Your husband is commanded in scripture to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He is not doing that. He is acting like a selfish 2 year old who wants to do his own thing, and yet wants to have control over what you do and who you see. He needs to grow up and start acting like an adult. Your job in the marriage is to be his helpmeet - not his doormat, not his respect-him-no-matter-how-he-acts enabler, his helpmeet, which means helping him become Christlike.

Unfortunately, most people don't change until it becomes too uncomfortable to stay where they are. You need to begin to nicely remind him that he is not being Christlike in how he is treating you. You need to refuse to tolerate that kind of behavior.

Go HERE for some help in that direction.

I could talk for hours (well, you knew that anyway, right? [8D] ), but I don't want to totally dominate the thread. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. My dh really struggles in this area too, and sometimes I feel like I just want to say forget it! and move on with my life. I didn't expect to have to raise my husband as well, but I know that's not what God wants and so I dig in and grit my teeth and go one more round. And you know what? On the days he gets it, when he really is acting in a Christlike manner, it's so nice. I am believing that eventually there will be more of those kind of days and fewer of the rotten ones.


I completely agree with Cindy. [sm=thumbsup.gif]

quote:

Hislittleone:

Nip it in the bud while you can.


quote:

Visitorinwaiting: What should I do? I haven't ever been faced with this...never thought I would have to... He has that way about him though, where he looks at other ladies and says things about them to me... I feel like I'm just a piece of meat that he can use because I'm here... He doesn't look at ME that way... :( Sad thing...friend told me today before church that I was pretty...he is the first man that has told me that in years. My two little boys tell me that all the time, but hubby hasn't said it in so long that I can't remember when he last told me. I honestly don't think he loves me anymore, and if he could get out, he would.


In my marriage I would tell my husband to stop these things immediately (looking at other women and saying stuff about them and hanging out with the single attractive neighbor) or else he would be moving to another bedroom or couch, no more physical intimacy and no peace between us until it was resolved. Then if it wasn't resolved after a certain amount of time I would consider separation. That's how seriously I would take offense to these actions. What he is doing is sinful and destructive to his relationship with God and with you. From what you've posted it seems he is living in continuous sin (i.e. this is happening on a regular basis). The role of a wife (helpmeet) is not to look the other way while her Christian husband lives in sin and rebellion but to hold him accountable so that his relationship with Christ (and you, his wife) can be restored. I know that choosing to go that route is difficult but just like Cindy said it's worth it when they "get it". My husband is now "getting it" more and more. It's been a long, hard road but let me tell you that it's definitely worth it.

I think the resource Cindy recommended could be of help to you.



evryknee -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 8:04:38 AM)

Just the fact that he said the neighbor's name during sex should be enough of a clue that his mind is elsewhere. Has he been into porn? He is showing some signs that he might be...If he is sin, go and confront him. If he refuses to change, then go to the pastor, and let him know that you will do that (even if it is his father)..or counseling. I agree with Hislittleone when she says:

quote:

The role of a wife (helpmeet) is not to look the other way while her Christian husband lives in sin and rebellion but to hold him accountable so that his relationship with Christ (and you, his wife) can be restored.


He is passive aggressive. He will not openly talk about things, unless forced to. Otherwise, he will probably show some signs of being aggressive (revengeful) in a passive way (like he has been).



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 10:41:59 AM)

Before I got married, I saw so many men step all over their wives. I said, "Oh, not me! I won't ever let a man treat me that way. I'll be gone." Huh, a lot eaiser said than done, right? Well, having three small children, it wouldn't be that easy anyway...

I KNOW that this needs to be worked out...but I have messed up in so many ways, and I just feel like if I do confront him, he's going to say..."Well, you did this..." or whatever. 1. I have gained A LOT of weight since we married...after three children, who wouldn't, BUT I haven't worked to get it off or to keep off what I have worked off...so, my mind says, "No wonder he's looking at other women, look at me...not that pleasant to look at anymore." (But then I think...didn't we say, "...for better or worse..." about 6 years ago.) 2. Of our three children, one is very undisciplined...my fault since I am sahm...he's the oldest, and he causes a lot of the stress in our home, in our family, and it seems that no matter what I do, he changes for a day or less, and then it's right back to the unruly behavior...my strong-willed 5 year old would be a "what I have done wrong" thing that I would be confronted with if I confronted him. 3. I haven't been the best house cleaner either. I have struggled with getting a schedule down, having enough time to do it all with the three kids and everything that has been happening with them...long story, but each pregnancy has had its problems, either with me or the child, and the third one, although she's 2, is still having surgeries to correct birth defects... So, I'm sure I'd hear it about that too..."well, you haven't treated me right either by not keeping the house clean." I am just so sure that confronting him would turn into one big argument, and I don't want that either. In my defense, I'm working on all of these three things to make them better...I know that improvement in these three areas would really make a difference in our whole family...BUT if he doesn't change his ways, then it's still going to be the same story...just maybe not in the same calibur because my problems would have been at least dealt with to some degree... (I feel like I'm rambling and making excuses...but I do feel that what I've said is valid to the situation...)

cindybode...thank you for your kindness...and understanding. I looked at the website that you sent, but of course, did not have time to look at anything in depth. I bookmarked it though to go back to at a later time... I would love to talk to you more in depth about everything, but with my limited internet time because of the children, it would have to be after they go to sleep at night...so I'll PM you when I can...

I still really don't know what to say to him. "You know, you are just spending way too much time thinking and talking about other women. I feel like you don't love me anymore. Could you please start treating me like your wife and not your friend that is just inconvient to have around when you meet up with all these prettier, curvier, more attrative women?" You know, there is this resturant he goes to...and if I even name the resturant, he gets this smirk on his face. We went have went there every time we have had friends or family come to visit. I look like a fool when we go there because he treats the waitresses there like they are beauty queens...he smiles at them, laughs with them, they make him things that aren't on the menu, and then tell me how sweet he is and how nice it is when he comes to have lunch there, etc, etc, etc. He knows them all by name, what vehicles they drive, because he can tell when he pulls in the parking lot which ones are there and which ones are not.

I read what I right, and I'm like, "You are an idiot." [&o] [:o] If he isn't cheating on me, with this behavior, he might as well be, right?

YZGUY...porn...well, I feel like that's my fault too. A long time ago, when we were married only a short time, we were in a motel, and while I was switching the channels, I came across one of those shows while he was in the bathroom. I honestly didn't know it was until clothes started coming off, and that's when he came into the room. I started laughing because it was so corny...but he said, "Hmm, let's try that." And, so we left it there...and we watched it... Since then, he has wanted to watch those things every time we are in a motel, which has been a lot recently with dd's surgeries...and has even went out and bought some before, only to destroy them after watching them a few times, afraid that his mom or dad would see them if they came to visit... Just last night, after my friends left, he said, "I wish we had a sexy movie to watch." I rolled my eyes. I have told him that I'm not watching them anymore, and when he starts to in the hotel room, I will lay down and pull the covers up over my head.

Are you saying that I tell him that this behavior changes or I will go to our pastor (even if it's his father) and tell him that we need help with our marriage because hubby is doing "a", "b", and "c." Wow...I can imagine how that will go over.......................



jaimestarcross -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 11:16:01 AM)

His dad being your pastor is one of the reasons I'd never attend a family church like that...
Knowing there are problems in your marriage it's best to seek another Christian therapist don't let these problems continue to snowball !

I guess I'm a meany because if my hubby would of went for a walk with the sexy lady next door --- I'd of gotten the baby in the stroller and went for a walk too --- baby fussing and all!
The same thing would happen if he's gone to the boat with others --- I'd just high-tail it down there to the boat with children in tow... hubby wouldn't have to "invite" me to OUR boat I'd be there just as often as it's possible without his "invitation".

The children have two parents that are responsible for instructing them in the ways of righteousness it's not solely your fault if a child does bad things (we do have our own wills.) Even in the best of homes I've seen children make very bad decisions!

I'm concerned about the lack of good communication between you and your husband and that's why I encourage both of you to get help for your marriage.

Take the guess work out of not really knowing if your husband is a Christian or not - it's time to ask him about whether or not he knows Christ as Savior.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 12:08:28 PM)

The three things you are "working on" are superficial and bandaids for your broken heart. Love yourself and let God love you and tell you how beautiful you are. Listen to him and begin to believe it. Read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge to reclaim your heart and know what beauty really is. You deserve to be loved. Your husband sounds like he is going to do whatever he wants to do regardless of how you feel so forget about what he is doing and begin spending your free time on yourself... I don't mean losing weight or any other superficial thing either. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to compete for your husband's time and attention. If he isn't giving you that then it is his choice. It is NOT your fault.

Take the boat out with the children without him if you like boating. Hey, you are a SAHM so you could go during the week when the waters aren't as busy. If you don't know how then ask the local guys at the closest Outdoor store to show you how. You could even hire a guide for a day to show you the ropes. I was raised on the rivers with my Dad and brothers so I love boating. Women can hook up a boat trailer and launch just as well as a guy when they know what they are doing so give it a whirl!!! It's a blast ! Your kids will love seeing a strong Mom teach them how to do these things. If your husband wants to come along let him but if the neighbor shows up well...... I say overboard with her! Don't try to control your husband by telling him what he can and can't do because it will most likely backfire, but don't let this woman invade your space. If your husband wants to be part of your family then he needs to understand what that means. Clearly, he knows he can get away with this type of behavior. PROVE HIM WRONG AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF LOVE !

This is my favorite description of relationship from a movie.

From the movie "Juno"( Juno talking to her Dad )

Mr. MacGuff: You look a litle morose, honey.
Juno: Well, I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
Mr. MacGuff: Think you can narrow that down for me.
Juno: I just wonder sometimes if two people can stay together forever?
Mr. MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno: Yeah, like people in love.
Mr. MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? 'Cause I got to be honest, I don't much approve of you dating in your condition. That's kinda messed up! That's pretty skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Shanky? Skeevy? Tore up from the floor up?
Juno: Stop it. That's not what it's about. I need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever.
Mr. MacGuff: Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. And I don't have the best track record in the world, I know. But your step-mother and I have been married for ten years now and I'm proud to say that we are very happy.
Juno nods.
Mr. MacGuff: Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. [Edited TOS 5] That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
A wave of realization crosses Juno's face.

This quote just isn't the same without the line that was removed. I'm new and learning the ropes. TOS 5[;)] missed that one. Oh well. I hope you get the point.



hnt -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 1:20:15 PM)

Vistor:

Having weight gain, child that is high maintaince, and having the house the way you both would like it has nothing to do with the issues you brought up.

If he brings that up its called diversion! He is diverting the conversation so he doesn't have to deal with it. The bible doesn't place conditions as to WHAT you need to do for your husband in order for him to be required to act Christlike towards you.

If you don't feel comfortable going to your FIL the pastor - then find another accountability partner. I mean that's JUNK that he would bring that up, and has nothing to do with his behavior!

Ask him if he would allow his children to get away with that! I mean can you imagine? I will give you respect, do my chores, and eat all my meals ONLY if you do a, b and c for me! Otherwise I don't feel I should have to! How many other aspects of life can you use that approach? LOL not to many I can think of!

Confrontation is scarey at times, and its VERY uncomfortable but it also needs to be done! Confrontation doesn't mean you have to use an accustary tone, and I know alot of people get defensive no matter HOW well you place it out there! Doesn't mean it doesn't need to be said!

I think one aspect of this that people forget is that not only is it done out of love, but its is the love for this person that you do it! It not out of placing them in their place, or having a superior attitude or anything else! God asks us to place the truth in the light, because he says evil likes the dark. You don't have to be perfect to bring the truth into the light no matter HOW ugly it can seem!

Nothing will be straighten out, and even start to get straightened out until someone starts talking........no matter how uncomfortable it is. Get a babysitter, and allow yourself to share your heart.

My prayers are with you!



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 1:44:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
they do not know about this neighbor situation, they do know about the friend situation...which wasn't a situation at all...and IF I had to the courage to go to them for Godly counsel, my husband would probably never speak to me again...


affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness and often crumble when exposed. i feel it is crucial for you to go to your pastor (his parents) to try to stop the affair (which should be labeled as it's at least an emotional affair). wayward spouses typically claim they will never speak to the betrayed spouse again if the affair is exposed and sadle many betrayed spouses believe that so do not act. but YOU have an opportunity to save your marriage still. yes he will be moody and upset after exposure, because he's embarrassed but it will pass. i'll keep your family in my prayers.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 3:24:24 PM)

I understand it being hard to leave. And I'm not telling you that you should. I don't know you and your dh, nor do I know all of your life circumstances. But I do understand how hard and scary it can be to face life as a single mom. My dh and I were divorced for ~7 years during which I was a single mom of 1. And after we remarried and I discovered his porn use for the umpteenth time I had a 10yo and a 7mo baby but i knew that staying would be just as bad or worse than leaving. Like I said I'm not telling you to leave. But I am telling you that your marriage has a better chance if you become a strong helpmeet and hold his feet to the fire. God knew that most men wouldn't turn from their sins unless their lives became very uncomfortable. Isn't that why we've been instructed to use the Matthew 18 process? Also, in 1 Corinthians 5 Paul(?) says:

3Even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. And I have already passed judgment on the one who did this (*He is speaking of a Christian brother involved in sexual sin), just as if I were present. 4When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, 5hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature[a] may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.------*clarification added by me (Hislittleone).

1 Corinthians 5:9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

That is how seriously we are to take sexual sin and how we are to handle a fellow believer who does these things.

Matthew 5:27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Here we see that even looking at a woman lustfully is the same in God's eyes as commiting physical adultery.

1 Corinthians 6:12"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.

Romans 6:6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin—

These last two passages show that we are NOT slaves to sin any longer. So if your husband tries to say he can't help it because he's a man, show him these verses and explain that when he became a Christian he gained the power to say "no" and turn away from sin. It can't control him. He can have self-control now because it's a fruit of the spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

All the things you listed that you think you're failing at and are afraid he would use against you are superficial, like another poster said. You aren't willfully sinning when you gain weight with childbearing nor when you fail to be a perfect parent. Also, when you had the porn flick on in the hotel room your husband (as the Christian head of the home) should have turned it off. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that he's into porn. It his sin, his choice, his responsibility. It's not your fault because you gained weight or got older or turned a porn flick on or looked at him the wrong way or whatever. It 's not your fault. He would be doing this regardless of those things. More than likely, he's been involved with porn since his pre-teen or teen years (no matter how he denies it). That's when most men are exposed and fall into this sinful habit. So I doubt he all of a sudden got hooked when you turned that movie on. When he watches those movies he's opening you and your children up to spiritual attack IMO. I would be very cautious in allowing such evil into my home (or hotel room). There are things going on in the spiritual realm that you may not always be aware of. You could get up and turn the tv off and tell him he will have to physically move you aside in order to play that sinful trash in your presence. Or you could sit in the car all night or get another room or something. But don't let that evil come into your presence.

I understand where you are coming from and how much all of this hurts. My husband was raised on the mission field and professed to be a Christian but he was involved in porn and was a selfish, immature husband/father for many years. I have blamed myself and tried to change. That did us no good. I lost weight, kept a cleaner house, was "nicer" to him---i.e. stopped asking him stopped holding his feet to the fire, etc. but it wasn't enough. It just didn't change anything. What helped us was me standing strong (against his sin) and praying. There are several books that have been very helpful, some of those are ones that Cindy has directed you to.

Now that my husband "gets it" and is becoming a Christlike husband we have a wonderful intimate life (even though I'm heavier than before since having ds#2). So you see, it's not about the way we look or act. It's about our husbands choosing to live a life of sin and rebellion.

If you get nothing else from my post, I hope you at least walk away with this much.....it is not your fault and you deserve to be treated better. Also, you are not alone in your pain. There are many of us wives who understand all to well what you are going through. May God bless you, comfort you and give you wisdom.

((((Visitorinwaiting))))



truthrevealed -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 7:06:18 PM)

It sounds like both you and your husband need continued growth in God and His word. What your husband does is unexcusable behavior in my opinion yet it seems as if you've checked out sort of speak. Since you are the only person you are responsible for why don't you spend personal private time with God and allow Him to reveal to you the root of your hurts and lack of esteem. If you allow God to do this, the dynamic around you will change because YOU will have changed....but it takes time!



evryknee -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 8:18:28 PM)

I agree with the above re: his behavior not being your fault. I can just imagine him before the throne of God - "The woman you gave me..._____" Even God held Adam responsible for his sin of disobedience - otherwise there would have only been the consequences on Eve.

I do think it is good to look at yourself and see how your behaviors have influenced - but again, not for blame and shame, but to seek forgiveness from God and spouse.

Your hubby seems to have the fear of his parents (thus the throwing away of porn quickly) - but not the fear of the Lord (Beginning of wisdom).

It sounds like you have both been under a lot of stress and have not had much "couple time." Perhaps both writing a list of some things that need to change, some things you value in the relationship, and some things you want to do differently (goals). This may help you think through the relationship and begin the process.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 9:31:58 PM)

quote:


Perhaps both writing a list of some things that need to change, some things you value in the relationship, and some things you want to do differently (goals). This may help you think through the relationship and begin the process.


I like this idea. Actually, I have asked him to do it for me several times...so I could see his point of view of what I was doing right, what I was doing wrong, and what he wanted me to do...but I had never done it myself. Maybe this will be part of the process when we have our talk. Things went weird today at work, so he's staying late. You know, he tells me this, and I believe him...but there have been times that I have called the work phone instead of his cell phone to make sure that he is working. Is that terrible? I mean, with that resturant being close by, I always wonder. If I check the bank account during the day, and see the name of that resturant on there, I wonder...

I am feeling better than I felt this morning. This morning, I was just praying that God would help me to love him... because I didn't think that I did. I thought that I had made the wrong decision in marrying him, and I was just going to have to make the best of it... I am not feeling so much that way anymore...still a little on that side, but not as bad as it was this morning. I mean, I was literally beating my head against the wall while praying, asking God to remove those thoughts from my head.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/2/2008 11:16:30 PM)

Hillary, your husband is sinning. End of discussion. I don't care how much weight you've gained or how messy your house is or how undisciplined your child is. Your husband is committing adultery. Call a spade a spade and stop blaming yourself for it. He is choosing to sin and trying to justify his choice by blaming it on you. If you coulda-woulda-shoulda done whatever it is he thinks you should have, he would find another excuse.

Right now Satan is telling you a huge lie - that it's your fault your husband is choosing to sin. Reject that lie for exactly what it is, because if he can get you to believe it, your husband will keep on doing what he's doing, your marriage will never be healed, and your family will never become what God has planned.

Loving someone does not mean enabling them to continue in destructive behavior. It means helping them to become what God wants them to become. Hang on tight, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Check your pm's.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/3/2008 10:31:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

quote:


Perhaps both writing a list of some things that need to change, some things you value in the relationship, and some things you want to do differently (goals). This may help you think through the relationship and begin the process.


I like this idea. Actually, I have asked him to do it for me several times...so I could see his point of view of what I was doing right, what I was doing wrong, and what he wanted me to do...but I had never done it myself. Maybe this will be part of the process when we have our talk. Things went weird today at work, so he's staying late. You know, he tells me this, and I believe him...but there have been times that I have called the work phone instead of his cell phone to make sure that he is working. Is that terrible? I mean, with that resturant being close by, I always wonder. If I check the bank account during the day, and see the name of that resturant on there, I wonder...

I am feeling better than I felt this morning. This morning, I was just praying that God would help me to love him... because I didn't think that I did. I thought that I had made the wrong decision in marrying him, and I was just going to have to make the best of it... I am not feeling so much that way anymore...still a little on that side, but not as bad as it was this morning. I mean, I was literally beating my head against the wall while praying, asking God to remove those thoughts from my head.


This could be very damaging to the relationship if both of you start listing ways in which you want the other person to change. You are already blaming yourself for so much. IMO the last thing you need is to have a "to do" list from your husband where you will continue to strive to please him and change yourself for him. I'm fairly certain he wouldn't want a "to do" list from your either. On the other hand, something much more beneficial is to make a list of how you view yourself in the relationship... your feelings, your thoughts, ways you think you are giving to the relationship, ways you think you are damaging the relationship. This way the conversation starts with pointing the finger at yourselves instead of each other. Just a thought.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/3/2008 12:33:30 PM)

Wow. Yeah. Dozens of red flags. I have kids to get down for naps right now, and no real advice except this NEEDS to be brought into the open. If he's not cheated, then the stage is ripe for it, and things like this thrive in the dark. Embarrassing to bring them out? Of course it is. But is your marriage worth it? Is protecting the family your children will grow up in worth it? Absolutely.

And those things you listed that you have "done wrong" DO NOT give him license to do what he is doing, whether it's "only" emotional or not. Do work on your part and do what God has called you to do in your marriage, but do NOT take responsibility for his sin. He owns it, not you.

Okay, I guess I did have a bit of advice. Praying...



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 12:37:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

quote:


Perhaps both writing a list of some things that need to change, some things you value in the relationship, and some things you want to do differently (goals). This may help you think through the relationship and begin the process.


I like this idea. Actually, I have asked him to do it for me several times...


This could be very damaging to the relationship if both of you start listing ways in which you want the other person to change.


I disagree. There has been a serious breach of trust here. I see nothing wrong with saying, "In order for me to trust you again, I need your computer passwords and I need your word that you will not go to that restaurant again." It is ok for a husband and wife to tell each other what they need from each other - or it should be. If your husband loves you and wants to restore the relationship, he should want you to tell him what he can do to improve. This assumes, of course, that he's adult enough to accept it without stomping his foot and screaming like a toddler, and right now I'd guess he isn't. The question is really whether he's willing to grow up, listen to your heart, and make some changes.



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