Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (Full Version)

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StephenJ -> Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/1/2008 8:24:33 PM)

I don't know how many people have heard these terms, but it usually refers to two single friends who sometimes hook up, or you know become physically involved (to varying degrees) without ever truely commiting to becoming a couple. What does everyone think about this sort of thing?

I've never had such a relationship but I've asked people about it (I asked one non-saved friend about whether she was that with a guy and she was a little miffed at me for a week, understandably I guess.) I've even heard some Christians say that they've had this sort of relationship. They say that these things fall apart because one person invariably wants a relationship eventually. Essentially that it's not fair to one of the parties involved.

Let me put another spin on it though, is it fair to have a friend of the opposite sex who you aren't seeing, but confide in emotionally as if they were your signifigant other? Like building a close, emotional relationship like people who are dating do but without the intention of dating? Is it just as unfair as the previous situation?

God bless.
Stephen.



mayfly -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/1/2008 8:51:29 PM)

To me it is just as wrong and unfair as a sex-oriented FWB relationship. Simple as that.

I believe that an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite gender (be it physical or emotional or both) is not acceptable outside marriage (or a relationship that is mutually understood to be headed towards marriage).



buckifn -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/1/2008 9:07:33 PM)

I think God's Word is our standard. flee not embrace sin.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/1/2008 9:53:47 PM)

Stephen, I'm going to be honest with you bud as this post is loaded with some red flags. Firstly, you are asking a non-christian, member of the opposite sex this type of question? Your post reeks of someone with suspicious motives and it appears you were getting the "feelers out there" for such a relationship. I could certainly understand why your friend was taken aback and I think you need to check your motives.

You are skating on a very slippery slope to even be having these kinds of discussions with women in the first place if you consider yourself a christian.



slimon11 -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/1/2008 10:43:53 PM)

I am single and in my late 20s. When I was younger and before I was a Christian, I had 2 close guy friends that I was not attraced to in a boyfriend sort of way but, trusted and, was very close with.

One of these guys eventually told me, that over time, he fell in love with me. He ended up getting really hurt that I did not feel the same way and the friendship ended.

I was friends with the other guy for about 10 years. While there was no issues that came up during those 10 years, he ended up meeting someone and marrying and we are no longer friends. I think it worked because we were more like family friends and 1st met when we were like 14 but, of course, things couldn't work once he got a serious girlfriend.

I now don't have any close friends that are guys. Something in me doesn't feel right about it anymore...maybe the Spirit, maybe learning of that problems that could happen from the 1st guy I mention.



Roberta_ -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/1/2008 11:25:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ
Let me put another spin on it though, is it fair to have a friend of the opposite sex who you aren't seeing, but confide in emotionally as if they were your signifigant other? Like building a close, emotional relationship like people who are dating do but without the intention of dating? Is it just as unfair as the previous situation?

God bless.
Stephen.


Yes, it's wrong.



clownfish -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 1:20:40 AM)

Allow me to be the first to slightly disagree with the above sentiments. My feelings are if both people are single and appropriate physical boundaries are respected, then I think such a friendship could be mutually beneficial. For example, as a guy, there are certain topics that I would feel more comfortable discussing them with a woman than a man. Having that emotional connection, even if it is not in a maritial relationship, can be a source of support.

Obviously, there are certain drawbacks to such a friendship. One of those drawbacks could be it would prevent one or both people from developing a romantic relationship elsewhere since they may feel "emotionally filled". Another drawback (mentioned by slimon11) is that deeper romantic feelings may develop in one person but not the other, and it might be awkward to handle.

Can anyone point to any Biblical basis where this type of emotional connection is prohibitted if a person is not married?



purplepixie87 -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 2:00:23 AM)

On the first one---honestly, I used to think being in a FWB type situation was great. (About 3 years ago that is) But, really, it's not all that great. It's horrible, to tell the truth. Don't do it, for two reasons: 1) It's sin, and I'm not totally sure on this...but I think fornication is one of the higher up sins, right? 2) It'll just wind up with hurt feelings somehow or another.

On the second question----It is ABSOLUTELY OK for friends of the opposite sex to confide in each other. That's what friendship is about, trust and caring and discussion, right? Friends are there for you when you need somebody to talk to. I'm one of those girls that gets along way better with guys than I do girls, never once has any of those guys taken me confiding in them as being a sign that i liked them for other things.

I don't really think confiding in somebody the way you feel about things as to be something only for your significant other, really, that doesn't make any sense, does it? If you need somebody to talk to, then talk. It shouldn't matter what the sex of that person is.

I don't think it actually builds emotional relationships like you would with a significant other/spouse, because it's just sharing your feelings and talking. If anything, it's more like you are sharing your feelings with a sibling.

At least, for me, that is. All of my guy friends consider me their kid sister, and I consider them my big brothers. They are there for me when I need them. And none of us are interested in the others for anything other than friendship, because we feel as if we are family. We just can't think of each other that way.

Hope this helps!



Luv4self -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 3:21:26 AM)

I have never known Friends with Benefits to mean anything other than having a friend who you have sex with where there is no strings attached. They're just a friend you can call them and have sex with them leave or spend the night with them and go about your business the next day. You may talk to them or not between the next time you have sex. I have never heard that FWB means you confide with them w/o being in a relationship with them. From a Christian or non-Christian veiwpoint, I think they are dangerous where one or both people eventually get hurt. I wouldn't get myself in one!



StephenJ -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 3:27:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

Stephen, I'm going to be honest with you bud as this post is loaded with some red flags. Firstly, you are asking a non-christian, member of the opposite sex this type of question? Your post reeks of someone with suspicious motives and it appears you were getting the "feelers out there" for such a relationship. I could certainly understand why your friend was taken aback and I think you need to check your motives.

You are skating on a very slippery slope to even be having these kinds of discussions with women in the first place if you consider yourself a christian.


No, no trust me I'm totally not interested in that. I was just asking it out of curiosity, this person is just a friend and I have every intention of keeping it that way. Infact I told her myself that I was very suppourtive of the thing she has going with another guy we know.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I....wow...just needed to clear that up.

So hypothetically, I'm restating the question.



WholeHeart -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 10:38:58 AM)

I don't remember where I first heard the term "friends with benefits." It was probably on the internet somewhere, though, because that sort of thing just doesn't come up in the circles I hang out in. I always thought that that phenomenon was a disease of modern society, illustrating how quickly we were headed "to Hell in a handbasket." Gross.

As for the emotional variety, well, I can't really talk, can I? One of my best friends is a guy. I would say my situation is a bit unususual, though. This is the only guy friend I have (actually have ever had), and the understanding is that we will probably enter an official relationship when the time comes that we can. (I don't have to explain all that here; it's in the other thread.) In general, though, I would say that, no, it's not fair to confide too much in an opposite-gender friendship. A girl friend of mine found herself in the position of being a guy's "counsellor" (that's what they actually called it) and I advised her to get out of that friendship as completely as possible. (This girl friend is engaged.) It's not fair, and it's not smart to get into unnecessary entanglements.



rgod -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 10:47:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

I don't know how many people have heard these terms, but it usually refers to two single friends who sometimes hook up, or you know become physically involved (to varying degrees) without ever truely commiting to becoming a couple. What does everyone think about this sort of thing?

I've never had such a relationship but I've asked people about it (I asked one non-saved friend about whether she was that with a guy and she was a little miffed at me for a week, understandably I guess.) I've even heard some Christians say that they've had this sort of relationship. They say that these things fall apart because one person invariably wants a relationship eventually. Essentially that it's not fair to one of the parties involved.

Let me put another spin on it though, is it fair to have a friend of the opposite sex who you aren't seeing, but confide in emotionally as if they were your signifigant other? Like building a close, emotional relationship like people who are dating do but without the intention of dating? Is it just as unfair as the previous situation?


I think it is counterfeit marriage and is one reason why people are staying single longer. As Christians, we should not have sex with people that we are not married to. Period. For women, the emotional relationship is a landmine because as we bond we start wanting to have a relationship with that person. In Christian circles this is very common - two people are emotionally married but there is no sex. While men and women can definitely be friends, caution and wisdom is definitely needed. If one person starts to have feelings for another, usually the other person knows it, but doesn't stop the relationship because they are getting their needs met and they feel that they've been clear about the relationship up front. Then, eventually, one of them gets married in reality and then the other is left behind and is hurt.

This is all so unnecessary - we can ask the Lord to provide emotional fulfillment - he might send it through a person or meet it himself. That way we can be free to connect with our spouses when they come along.

I personally stay away from those types of relationships. A friend is a friend. A boyfriend is a boyfriend. A husband is a husband.



bluestone -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 11:20:53 AM)

Someone always winds up falling in love...and the other one does not.
BAD IDEA



Auben -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 11:21:30 AM)

My answer: it depends

If you have an established friendship with someone of the opposite sex (established meaning that its an older relationship, possibly several months to a year at least) and you begin to confide in each other it can be a good situation. Usually by then the friendship is strong enough to outlast a crush by one or the other because both of you value the friendship above that. Most people don't have problems moving on (the friendship looses its power) when they are in a strong romantic relationship...just like other best same-sex friendships lose their intensity.

Moving from acquaintance to intimate friendship or telling all too quickly can sink a good friendship before it starts. The awkwardness of a crush may mean that one person leaves rather than hurt the other. They don't have enough to hold onto. Most problems in male-female friendships I've seen fall into this area (or people who refuse to let go). I know a few men and women who hurt others by falling into this pattern a lot. Nice people. Great people. But the intimacy is too soon and it feels romantic--not platonic.


I hope that makes sense.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 11:30:18 AM)

quote:

No, no trust me I'm totally not interested in that...Sorry for the misunderstanding, I....wow...just needed to clear that up.


Phew (takes deep sigh of relief and wipes sweat off forehead)...you had me nervous there for a minute. I've heard the term "friends with benefits" and I've always understood it as a sexual relationship between to people with no strings attached. I have to call it what the Bible calls it and any sex outside of marriage is immoral and wrong. The term "FWB relationship" is just an attempt to minimize the sin but that doesn't change the harm we do to ourselves and others when we violate God's commands in this regard.

I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex but I'm very careful about what I share when dealing with non-christian or christian women in general. At one point, I confided in a married female christian coworker about some of the things going on in my relationship with my soon-to-be ex-spouse and I had to take a step back because I felt she was beginning to get a little too personal in sharing some of her own experiences.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 11:44:13 AM)

Fornication is fornication regardless if the person is a friend or not... Biblically speaking it's sinning!

As for having a deep friendship with someone of the opposite sex, that is risky at best and I'd be careful to how much you revealed to someone you're not considering for spousal material/engagement... remember guard your heart from speaking too much confidential information about yourself.



buckifn -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 11:53:00 AM)

People who see how close they can get to the edge are usually the ones who ends up falling over the cliff. People who follow the suggested path (for a christian, God's Word) usually end up with good results.

For some reason some of us like to see how close we can get to sin without getting burned when the Bible has already made it perfectly clear what the outcome will be.

My advise to you, Stephen is if you need a friend to talk with get involved with a group of Godly men who will speak the truth based on God's Word.

Does your church have any "small groups" for men, and/or accountability groups?



RichLP -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 2:51:43 PM)

"Friends with benefits" is just another addition to today's cultural lexicon... a camouflage to behavior that is, simply, sinful.

"Benefits?" that is understood to mean physical intimacy. Once initiated, it's impossible to make it as if it had not occurred, very difficult to stop, and very often leads to consummation.



preserved -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/2/2008 7:47:39 PM)

Stephenj,

I know exactly what you are talking about...I've been there:) It works for a while...until one decides that they want more in the relationship . It's like having a person you can go to...without any committment...If this is what both parties agrees to...In time the friendship changes once either party decides they want a committed relationship.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/3/2008 7:13:54 PM)

I have never heard this term used to describe anything other than an ongoing sexual relationship with no emotional commitment whatsoever. Definitely a bad idea.

If you're referring to close friends of the opposite gender...if you are unmarried and keep proper boundaries, I think it could be fine. You'd need to guard your heart much as you would in a dating relationship though. I do not think this kind of relationship would ever be okay for a married person.



nuclear_sidewalk -> RE: Friends with benefits or Freinefits? (6/8/2008 1:55:38 PM)

Emotional attachment leads to other things, so it's not a good idea. Women are drawn in when men confide in them, and might make poor physical decisions thereafter. Men might not initially have designs on the woman in question, but eventually connect physical attraction with the emotional. Either way, it's risky and not recommended for those looking to honor God.



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