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Prairiehiker -> Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 12:24:48 PM)

I need a different way of looking at this situation.

As you may have all known, I'm a single mom. Her dad is in the picture and is somewhat involved--more financially than anything. He sees my daughter maybe once a year. Part of the reason for that is he lives about 800 km from us now and he's got a family now.

A few years back, I thought that everything was fine. He visited often. I even spoke to his wife often when she had her first child. We traded stories. We're by no means close, but there was no animosity between us. So I thought. I've always said that I have no problems leaving my daughter to them if I die as she was such a good person.

Three years ago, they stopped visiting. The visit dropped to once a year, and her dad stopped bringing his two young kids to see my daughter. My daughter started missing them and I kept asking why but her dad never said why.

Today, I spoke to him on the phone and we had a great conversation. It turns out that his wife has big problems with blended families and she cannot accommodate my daughter anymore. She doesn't want to expose her two young kids to blended family situation. I don't get it. She knew that we were around before she got involved with him. She knew that he would always have a daughter. Now, she doesn't want her kids, which is my daughter's half brothers, to be involved with her. My heart broke when I heard this. Everything I believed about her just shattered, and I'm so angry. Now, I worry where I'm going to leave my daughter if I die. I can't believe the lack of backbone my ex has.

I have never been so angry in my life. And there's nothing I can do. Can someone give me a different way of looking at this situation. I know there's a lot of single parents in this forum. This is really tough for me to deal with. And in a way, I'm probably going to have to cut down on my risk taking activities knowing that my daughter only has me on her side and no one else.



jlp1 -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 1:01:44 PM)

quote:

It turns out that his wife has big problems with blended families and she cannot accommodate my daughter anymore. She doesn't want to expose her two young kids to blended family situation. I don't get it. She knew that we were around before she got involved with him. She knew that he would always have a daughter. Now, she doesn't want her kids, which is my daughter's half brothers, to be involved with her. My heart broke when I heard this. Everything I believed about her just shattered, and I'm so angry. Now, I worry where I'm going to leave my daughter if I die. I can't believe the lack of backbone my ex has.



Blended family, blended family........WOW, I know your heart is broken, I don't know how I would respond to this.....it is differently a lack of back bone on his part and that's the whole problem right there......him not establishing boundaries (his daughter not being of compromise) because there is know way I would ever think to let someone say......... blended family.....AHHHH.....breath.....OK, I guess it bothers me so because its hits so close to home. I have two son one whom lives with his dad and step mom, its been about two years and its going go so far my boy is 11 and we as parents thought that at this age it would be good for him to be with his dad. I really don't think she/him....they understands what she is doing, she can't..... she is hurting the children by some selfish reason. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with her....woman to woman...... mother to mother and let her know that this will come back and bit her/him....them so hard she will not be able to take what she is ditching out. Maybe you don't need your daughter to be raised by someone who does not have a relationship with God but don't worry it will all work out for the better good. I know you are angry and need to vent but it will all work out...some times there are no words because what was said leaves you speechless.....


quote:

I have never been so angry in my life. And there's nothing I can do. Can someone give me a different way of looking at this situation. I know there's a lot of single parents in this forum. This is really tough for me to deal with. And in a way, I'm probably going to have to cut down on my risk taking activities knowing that my daughter only has me on her side and no one else.

I stopped getting on rollercoasters, LOL.



NealIRC -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 3:49:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

Now, I worry where I'm going to leave my daughter if I die.


I'm guessing she's really young and you somehow have this feeling you might not last long on this planet.

?

If you died though, wouldn't her Dad have a moral obligation to raise her with his other kids?

That's what I would think..

I'm guessing you're really worried if you die before she turns 18.

Aren't you involved in a church? If so, go to more churches. Larger ones. And try to make as many new friends of families in churches and let them get to know your daughter.

What else can you do?

Neal C.



woodwind228 -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 4:33:54 PM)

Wow........I feel for you and your daughter. I would not recommend talking to his wife though..........at least not while you're angry. Definitely pray about it and ask God to guide you. Her position is really bizarre. Blended families are so common these days. Pray for her too - only God can change her heart.

I agree that you should consider other families that you're close to. I worry about that sometimes with my younger daughter. Her father has never been in the picture. I had a close friend of mine that was her godmother but she moved out of the state last year so I understand where you're coming from in that respect.

What a shame that your ex won't belly up to the bar and take a stand for his daughter. I shudder to think of the lifelong impact this could/will have on your daughter. Gosh, I don't know what else to tell you.



BugLady -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 4:57:28 PM)

quote:

It turns out that his wife has big problems with blended families and she cannot accommodate my daughter anymore.


More like she will not rather than cannot. That's a tough and disappointing situation, for sure. And I'm very sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this. It's definitely not fair. Too many times adults make selfish choices that have more negative impact on children than the positive result they hope to gain by their choice. I'm sure you know there's nothing you can do to change another's attitude and behavior. You sure can't force her to think or feel differently. But you can pray for the Lord to work in her heart and your ex. And pray that you don't become bitter about their choice.


quote:

She doesn't want to expose her two young kids to blended family situation.


Is this what your ex told you? Did he say anything about how he felt? Does he not have any say about his own daughter? Perhaps his wife is trying to cut all ties between you and your ex and she gave him an ultimatum or something.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 7:54:57 PM)

Thanks guys for all the replies. It was tough this morning and I spent the whole day being prayerful. I told God how angry I was and I asked Him to show me how to deal with this, how should I feel about it and what I can do to be able to accept that it is what it is right now, and I don't want any bitterness to grow in my heart and in my child's heart.

I know that exes are always talked in a negatively light in front of the current spouse. Honestly, I think if there's ever a perfect ex award, I should get it, lol. But I guess no matter how nice you are, people can see something that's not good in you. Perhaps this is what's happening with them.

By the end of the day today, I felt that God was imprinting in my heart to try to understand where they are coming from. You see, my daughter was very close to her step mom for the first few years of them getting married. Then, she had her own son. Maybe as a mother, she felt that it wouldn't be right for my daughter to be close to her. I don't know. Maybe she didn't want my ex giving child support to my daughter. That's always an issue with people. I never fail to acknowledge and thank my daughter's dad for the financial support that he provides, even though I think it is his obligation to do that. My ex makes quite a bit of money, and so do I from my job, so my daughter and I live a pretty comfortable life. It could be that his wife sees that we should not be receiving anything since we are comfortable. I don't know.

My ex said this morning that his wife grew up with all her family intact, and that she is not used to having this kind of situation being forced on her. He said that She's tried hard to accommodate him for years. This is what made me angry. Before she got involved with him, she knew that his daughter will be a part of his life. Now, she wants nothing to do with my daughter. It's unreal. And I was accused of not allowing communication with my daughter and her dad, when I always ask my daughter to call him. She doesn't do it often because she barely have anything to talk to him about. She's only 11.

I don't think I'll talk to any of them right now. We don't really talk often. Maybe a couple of times a year. I like the part about try to understand where they're coming from. If anything, then it made me feel somewhat at peace today. I was also reminded while I was driving of the verse in James that says "However, the wisdom that comes from above is first of all pure, then peace-loving, gentle, willing to yield, full of compassion and good deeds, and without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy". I guess I feel that it's ok for me to be angry right now and I feel that God's hand is guiding me and my emotions on how to deal with this at this moment.



woodwind228 -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 10:09:49 PM)

Sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction. I said a little prayer for you, your daughter, your ex and his wife earlier today. Something else you might want to keep in mind...........what might God be trying to show you or teach you through this? How might your testimony influence others that are watching you and how you handle this? Everything happens for a reason and for God's good purpose. And He will not give you more than you can handle. Rely on Him and let Him get you (y'all) through this. Food for thought anyway...



BugLady -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/8/2008 10:12:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: woodwind228

Sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction. I said a little prayer for you, your daughter, your ex and his wife earlier today. Something else you might want to keep in mind...........what might God be trying to show you or teach you through this? How might your testimony influence others that are watching you and how you handle this? Everything happens for a reason and for God's good purpose. And He will not give you more than you can handle. Rely on Him and let Him get you (y'all) through this. Food for thought anyway...


I wholeheartedly agree. Good food for thought.



saraimay75 -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/9/2008 2:45:45 AM)

My family is intact my parents will be married for 40 years in December. If I chose to be with a man who had a family I could not... would not change my mind because children need their fathers.

It seems to me that your husbands current wife believe that her capasity (sp?) for love is limited. That she cannot love her own child and another at the same time. That she has to choose and she has chosen her biological own.

Your husband needs to step-up for his daughter.

You are taking steps and changing in the right direction.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/9/2008 7:44:50 AM)

My parents have been married for 63 years but they've never failed to accept the children of my sister's husbands. And my sister was the same. I just don't know what changed my ex's wife's mind. She was very close to my daughter before when my daughter was a little younger.

Now, my daughter has a 3 year old brother that she has never met, and she's always wondered why. I'm really sad for her. She always talked about them.

My big concern now is really about me dying and not having anyone to leave her with. I don't think anyone of my siblings should be burdened with raising her. Her dad would take that responsibility, but seeing that his wife has rejected my daughter, then, the thought of leaving her with them scares me. I think about dying often because of my daughter. IF I didn't have her, I wouldn't worry much.

I don't know what I'm doing right as you guys pointed out. Please pray for me. I think my head was spinning as I went to bed last night. There's just this panick and fear in me that I've never had before.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/9/2008 8:08:18 AM)

{{{{{{{{Prairiehiker}}}}}}}}

Life throws things at us that we are not prepared for, doesn't it?

First of all, let me just remind you of somethings.

1) God loves your dd MUCH MORE THAN YOU DO. He is not surprised or dismayed that this situation has come up: He knew it was coming and has planned it in to your life and your dd's life. He means it for good.

2) God will not stop loving your dd if you die. I think it is very wise of you to consider your risk-taking activities and entertain the possibility of taking a break from the most dangerous ones. We do have to think about our responsibilities because God asks us to. But it's only until your dd is a little older.

As far as what to do: do you have complete legal custody? I'm assuming you do or you would not be able to unilaterally make this decision about your dd's welfare in the event of your death. If you do not, then you will need to consult with your ex about it...it won't hurt him to realize that the decisions he has made and is making, and the compromises he is allowing in this area of life will have consequences down the road.

If you do have legal right to make this decision by yourself, then I would suggest you reconsider your thoughts about your siblings: being a part of a family means that we carry one another's burdens. Carrying the burden of my siblings children in the event of the sibling's death is part of that. You can make it less of a burden by doing the proper thing financially: make sure you are insured well enough that they would not be financially burdened by taking your dd in. Make sure that your dd is the beneficiary.

After that, your final (and also the FIRST) thing you should do is trust God. The panic you are feeling is a lie. God is in control and he loves you and your dd more than you can imagine. It's ok to leave the rest up to Him.

besiderself



Focusing -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/9/2008 12:38:58 PM)

That's a tough one PrairieHiker.

A couple quick questions to start off with: Do you have a will? Have you made arrangements for who will care for your daughter in case of your death while she is still under the age of 18?

While my son speaks briefly with his father once a week, they don't have much of a relationship at all. My will identifies who will be my son's guardian in case of my death ... and it's someone that he sees and spends time with on a regular basis, someone he is comfortable with, someone who would be happy to raise him if I wasn't around. If my ex wants to fight to obtain legal custody/guardianship, that is certainly up to him. However, due to our particular circumstances, I doubt that he would want the responsibility ... which is how I can understand how you feel that your daughter won't be taken care of if you die.

The conversation you had with your daughter's father may have brought about some negative feelings, but it's good that it's all out in the open now ... and you can be in prayer about it and make some decisions. Your emotions need to be dealt with, but the care of your daughter needs to be established just in case you are no longer able to care for her. You can only be responsible for what you yourself can do. You can be disappointed that he isn't stepping up to the plate, which is very disappointing, but you can't change him ... although you can pray about the situation.

My son has had a fear about "what if you die mom" because of abandonment issues, and I have shared with him who will be raising him if I died. It's amazing what kids worry about. It has helped him to feel more secure about the "what ifs..."

I hope that helps some. Being a single parent sure carries some extra burdens.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Please help me how to deal with this... (6/9/2008 10:29:41 PM)

Thanks for all the hugs. I really appreciate that. I guess most single parents (actually, here in Canada, it recently been ruled politically incorrect to say single parent. Apparently, the term "single" has a negative social connotation. Like huh? I don't get it either. They replaced it with lone parent). Anyhoo, I guess most single parents worry about leaving their kids behind with the wrong person.


quote:

A couple quick questions to start off with: Do you have a will? Have you made arrangements for who will care for your daughter in case of your death while she is still under the age of 18?


Yeah, I have a will. My ex and I have talked about it before. He said that he would look after her should something happen to me. And I really didn't have any problem with the thought of leaving her with them before we had that talk. It never occurred to me that his wife has a problem with blending my daughter with her family.

Financially, if I were to die, my daughter will be taken care of. I made sure of that. The only worry is for her to get the proper treatment and care from the people I leave her with. I think I'm going to have a talk with my ex soon to see if I have to change my will. I go through periods of anger, then understanding, then anger again. I hope that God will bring us to talk one day about this. I've never had anything against his wife and have often initiated a get together with her. She's never obliged to it and now I know why. That's not my concern anymore. I just pray that God will allow us to talk to come to an understanding about whatever problem she may have or I may have done. My daughter is such a sweetheart. She really likes her step mom a lot. I don't know what triggered this three years ago. The last time I saw her, she was warm and friendly.

One thing I learned as a result of this is that I'll never ever marry or even date anyone who can't accept my daughter.



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