Husband disinterested in our activities

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steadfast3 -> Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 12:00:12 PM)
Has anyone else experienced this? My husband will very rarely attend any of our kid's sporting events, concerts or award banquets. This happened again yesterday. My 15 year old's Track and Field Awards Banquet was yesterday and at the last minute my husband announced that he was not going because he had "things to do". Well, I certainly have lots of things to do, but I would not miss being there to support my son's accomplishments! When we left for the banquet, he was on the computer. When we got back 3 hours later he was still on the computer. When I looked at the Internet Explorer history I saw that he was reading about cars, hypermileage, history of the church and some job openings. I don't get it. I have told him before that attending their functions is a way to affirm them and support them. Not to mention setting the example of doing things as a family. Anyway, to brag on my boy: he broke 4 Freshman records and was rewarded for that yesterday! This boy can run! :) He is also one of the few Freshman that made Varsity! Bragging and venting complete!

stamper_ben -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 3:25:40 PM)
My wife and I were just last night talking about ways I had failed in our marriage in the past.... I have been where your husband is. Many activities our three kids had when they were growing up I missed out on. And I regret it now, as he will in the future. I wasn't totally non-involved, soccer, football and t-ball I went to and got involved in, but the other things like movies and just going to the park with them as a family I didn't participate in. Bottom line? I was selfish and didn't sacrifice my time for things I wasn't interested in. I pray your husband can see this and change his outlook before this time is gone, never to be recaptured. Memories and relationships, lasting and beneficial, are to be made right now.

jaimestarcross -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 3:33:41 PM)
To be honest, I'd get into marriage/family counseling and eliminate the internet service since your hubby has a problem with keeping his priorities in the proper order.

pbaribeault -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 4:45:35 PM)
I think most parents are way to into 'supporting' their kids... and that there are way too many 'awards' for everything from math, to track, to not picking your nose in class quite so much. Now your kid sounds like quite a runner... If his dad actually doesn't know that he is a good runner, or doesn't think that it really matters that much whether a kid is a good runner -- that's something that needs addressing. But really, if it's about the boring award event, that's a misconception. A dad can be proud of his kid, and a kid can be proud of himself without a bunch of frou-frou houpla! It's a misconception that a dad has to see the event, see the presentation of the award in order to prove that he thinks his kid is doing well (or exeptionally well) at some particular skill. So, if dad does not know or is not proud, that's a problem... If dad is proud but not expressing it in the mommy-led feminine cheerleading manner, that's fine as long as he's expressing it.... If dad is expressing it in some way that is not getting through, there are 2 things to consider... Have you considered that you might in some way contributing to the idea that dads that don't come don't care? (By making sure that he hears loud and clear that you always come because you care) It sets you up as the 'dedicated parent' the 'good guy' but it can really erode the boy's relationship with his dad, as well as his ability to do well for the sake of being proud of himself (rather than for the people watching, or for the purpose of grounding his self esteem in what his parents think of him). It would be far better to teach your son to hear the good messages the way your husband is expressing them. On the other side, you should let your husband know that you are pretty sure your son is under the wrong impression as far as whether or not his dad is proud. (Then stop talking. Your suggestions are not going to suit the male-to-male manner of these things. All he needed to know was that his current efforts are not quite effective.)

ChoirDJ -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 4:52:58 PM)
...ducks the pies, eggs, t.v. remotes and other miscellaneous items the mothers on this thread are about to throw at pbaribeault for that last post (lol).

stillabride -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 5:14:38 PM)
Maybe you can talk to DH and work out a "schedule" of events the whole family will attend. Let him skip out on some of the stuff, but also attend some. It can be overwhelming to have so many obligations and events to attend. If he feels like your kids are involved in too many things, maybe it is time to cut out a few of their activities and use that time to spend as a family doing more relaxing things that only involve your family when they won't be surrounded by a crowd of other people. My mom was just talking about this today. My dad attended activities with my brother and I, but really skips out on family things now with my little sister. I think he is just tired of all of the same stuff over and over. It's not right, but maybe you can talk to your husband, find out if he is feeling overwhelmed and worn out by the events, and then work out a solution that will result in more family time together, whether or not that means attending events and activities outside the home.

evryknee -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 6:41:42 PM)
quote: I was selfish and didn't sacrifice my time for things I wasn't interested in. That's the heart of it - probably. Otherwise, possibly social anxiety or depression. As a dad, I love my kids and will support them - I also find myself battling with these things. I'd much rather be selfish and do what I want to do than what someone else wants me to do. Sin nature. Self-centered nature. Praise God that He sent His Son to save us from ourselves that we might direct our love to God and neighbor (& spouse & children) rather than self.

pbaribeault -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 6:54:13 PM)
What I was trying to get at is that it seems like the mom-lead sports & academic groups that put effort into encouraging and supporting their children in these ways (by 'being there', by giving specific 'awards') are essentially feminine ways of being great parents. I just don't think that men should consider themselves selfish or poor parents if they choose a more masculine way to communicate the same messages - such as something private, simple words, actual desirable rewards, or just through those man-vibes. I particularly belive this is important in father-son relationships. There is just something there that women can't grasp. I'm aftraid that there is a risk, if we try to manage how the father expresses himself, using shame to make him act more motherly... What if that actually stifles that man-bond and does the opposite of what we wanted? Maybe it leads to distant, hesitant fathers who are convinced that they don't have the right instincts for parenting and so they wait for their wives to tell them how to do the right things. I don't think that's a good idea overall, so I don't think it's a good idea to make it seem like careless parenting when a dad chooses not to go to mothering events like this... as long as he's doing something that is good too. Kids have different needs, which is why they (ideally) have 2 parents of opposite genders. Both should be encoraged to parent in a way that is dedicated, but also in a way that comes naturally to them.

stamper_ben -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 9:39:14 PM)
Dear pbaribeault, what I read in the OP was that the dad was more interested in playing on the computer for the three hours that the award dinner went on for than he was in attending the dinner. It is an issue more of doing things as a family for steadfast3 than anything you seem to be reading into it. Just my take on it. I in no way disagree that moms and dads relate to their kids differently.

pbaribeault -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 11:14:39 PM)
Yeah, I think it's fine for any member of a family to have time alone for recreation (if you consider job seeking, and researching ways to save his family money on gas costs, and enriching his Chrsitain life somewhat restful activites, I suppose) when an activity that is not their parenting style is occuring. Doesn't everyone need some down time? Some time to themself? Not to have to make a record of having done something constructive with every minute? My take is that anybody that has to be told that such-an-activity is a way to affirm children... that's the kind of person that naturally affirms children a different way. Less pressure might bring out those natural ways powerfully, rather than making a fathers in general feel like flops. She said she "didn't get it" why he would make that choice, so I thought I'd try to explain it from an alternate perspective. She didn't mention if the son expressed hurt-ness, or if the family is feeling distant from the dad in general. These would be problems. If the family is functioning fine and the relationships are intact and reasonably positive, I think the best thing to do is to stop expecting the husband to do stuff that is clearly not his thing.

lightshineon -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/9/2008 11:49:02 PM)
Having a fit always works for me. Just kidding sort of, but, maybe if you were more forceful, not mean, just clear in your expectations of what is right might help. Works for me.

car2ner -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/10/2008 6:05:12 AM)
good points all. Perhaps a "it would have been nice for me to have you sitting with me while our son got # awards. He is gifted...." and then leave it at that. That way you let him know you would have liked him there, reminded him to say something to the young man, and not made him the bad guy... Worth a try maybe? What you don't want is to get into a power struggle and build resentment over this-happens-all-the-time. BTW, M'love doesn't like going to those banquets, either. He goes for support but other than that he finds them boring, too.

timf -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/10/2008 7:50:11 AM)
When I looked at the Internet Explorer history I saw that he was reading about cars, hypermileage, history of the church and some job openings. I don't get it. I have told him before that attending their functions is a way to affirm them and support them. Not to mention setting the example of doing things as a family. Our society has changed the role of men as fathers and husbands. They are no longer the heads of their families, their role now is to only support established societal functions. They are to support their wives careers, they are to support their children's school activities, they are to conform themselves to fulfill a role that is dictated to them by society. I have told him before... Most men do not understand this new society that they have been put into. It starts in school with "Shut up, sit down, and do what you are told". With the pacification aids of sex, pornography, sports, and beer, most men can manage to drift into old age without running into too much trouble. This is not the role for men as described in the Bible. Satan runs this world (as far as God allows). Just as he had to get to Eve without Adam, he has had to create a world system where men have been by-passed. If a man objects to his own sons being programmed in the same way, he is told he is too stupid to understand what experts have decided is best. If he objects to his denomination following the same course of the world, he is told to shut up because he is too stupid to understand what experts have decided. Christianity has a role for men that has them growing into Christ-likeness. Satan's collectivized society has a role for men to shut up, sit down, and do what they are told. It is sad that so many churches have been taken over by this same collectivized mentality. When the church tells you (albeit politely) to shut up, sit down, and do what you are told, where can a man retreat but into a small world of selfish comfort that produces the least amount of complaining from others. If women want their husbands to lead, they may have to consider what this would entail. 1. The first step is not telling him what to do. 2. If you ask your husband what you should do, you may find years of bad decisions and mistakes as he gets his "sea legs" trying to discover how to lead. 3. You might suggest identifying an older wiser couple who clearly show the light and love of Jesus and asking them to help the two of you learn to know and follow Jesus like they do. Most men do not understand what has happened or why it has happened, they only know that society is not a good fit for them and they try to get by with whatever small comforts they can and avoid the harsh voices of those who complain about them. The only true remedy lies in Jesus.

stamper_ben -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/10/2008 8:19:40 AM)
quote: My take is that anybody that has to be told that such-an-activity is a way to affirm children... that's the kind of person that naturally affirms children a different way. I can tell you from personal experience that I indeed did affirm my kids differently. But I know it wasn't ALL and WHAT they completely needed. For my wife either. There's a lot that's missing from the OP and we can never know the whole story here. But as she said, this wasn't the first time it came up. Parenting is a sacrificial act. Being a Christian husband and father requires an even MORE sacrificial attitude. That's Scriptural.

futuremartyr -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/11/2008 1:21:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: steadfast3 Has anyone else experienced this? My husband will very rarely attend any of our kid's sporting events, concerts or award banquets. This happened again yesterday. My 15 year old's Track and Field Awards Banquet was yesterday and at the last minute my husband announced that he was not going because he had "things to do". Well, I certainly have lots of things to do, but I would not miss being there to support my son's accomplishments! When we left for the banquet, he was on the computer. When we got back 3 hours later he was still on the computer. When I looked at the Internet Explorer history I saw that he was reading about cars, hypermileage, history of the church and some job openings. I don't get it. I have told him before that attending their functions is a way to affirm them and support them. Not to mention setting the example of doing things as a family. Anyway, to brag on my boy: he broke 4 Freshman records and was rewarded for that yesterday! This boy can run! :) He is also one of the few Freshman that made Varsity! Bragging and venting complete! We are a selfish people, we make time for what we want. Lower your expectations, make sure you don't nag, and pray.

Auben -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/11/2008 12:23:27 PM)
I don't think there's a good answer to this question. Yes, it's rude of him to assume that you should carry the whole burden in child-support-activities-concerts-games-banquets. No, it's not the end of the world (for most children) to miss some of those activities. Some of them can be dreadfully boring too. The best thing you can do is express your frustration with doing it alone and negotiate a share plan. Don't expect him to come to everything and he shouldn't expect you to do everything alone either. Talk about and plan things ahead of time (don't just spring things on him the evening they are scheduled) and talk to your children about which things are most important to THEM. If junior wants Dad at the awards banquet but doesn't care if he misses the band concert or he wants dad at the games but doesn't care about the awards. Another way is to have your husband plan some activity with your children to celebrate instead of attending the 'boring' meeting. A celebratory fishing trip or ice cream cone may be much more his style.

TorchHeart -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/11/2008 1:45:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: steadfast3 Has anyone else experienced this? My husband will very rarely attend any of our kid's sporting events, concerts or award banquets. This happened again yesterday. My 15 year old's Track and Field Awards Banquet was yesterday and at the last minute my husband announced that he was not going because he had "things to do". Well, I certainly have lots of things to do, but I would not miss being there to support my son's accomplishments! When we left for the banquet, he was on the computer. When we got back 3 hours later he was still on the computer. When I looked at the Internet Explorer history I saw that he was reading about cars, hypermileage, history of the church and some job openings. I don't get it. I have told him before that attending their functions is a way to affirm them and support them. Not to mention setting the example of doing things as a family. Anyway, to brag on my boy: he broke 4 Freshman records and was rewarded for that yesterday! This boy can run! :) He is also one of the few Freshman that made Varsity! Bragging and venting complete! Congratulations on your son's accomplishments, first and foremost! :) Secondly, I just want to ask: Does your husband ever attend any of your son's events? If so, how often? Maybe he just felt like he needed a little time to himself. I do think he could've been more honest about that rather than just saying he has "things to do" and then going to play on the internet. To me, that's a bit troubling, and would suggest that he has a problem with his priorities. I think there are a number of good ways to deal with this (some of which have already been expressed in this forum).

steadfast3 -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/11/2008 6:15:29 PM)
Thanks for all the input. I'll try to answer some of your questions by providing some more details. As I mentioned in my OP, he rarely attends anything - events or fun activities. Sometimes it is because he is working, but often times he is not at work and chooses to miss the event. I work full time myself and take primary responsibility for the house and all the kid's stuff. So, I know what it is like to be tired and have the DESIRE to stay home and do something for me (although it would likely be laundry, etc!). There are many times I would like to stay home, but feel that would send the wrong message - that I care more about myself so I'll sit around and read while my child goes to perform in a concert (they only have a few a year). There have been many things that I was THRILLED to see the last off - the last 4th grade orchestra concert for example. Always very painful! LOL! But, my child had worked HARD to prepare for it, so why wouldn't you be in the audience for them? I think YZGUY (martyr stamper_ben and others) were pretty accurate in describing it as selfishness/sin nature. As far as the "feminine cheerleader" thing . . . This banquet was led by the coaches and the atheletes . . . I do have a question for pbar: how do you personally show support for your kid's activities? I agree totally that we all have different ways of showing things. But if a parent doesn't attend a meet for the entire year, doesn't attend an awards function, doesn't drive the child to one practice and DOESN"T EVEN KNOW WHAT EVENTS he is running, how DO you show support? Really. Please explain. Anyway, this is a pattern for him. I agree we all need down time. But the man did not attend ONE volley ball game, he did not attend one soccer game, he did not attend one meet, he did not attend my daughter's horse show and he attended 1 out of about 5 concerts. I would say that about 75% of those activities he was available for, but choose not to attend. timf, I agree about man's role in society. It is SO different than it was 50 years ago. You are so right. And your suggestions on leadership are excellent! Thank you! auben, you are right - I need to share my frustrations. I really do feel like a single parent most of the time. When he IS home he gets totally ticked off if I ask him to run one of the kids somewhere. Usually the ONLY reason I ask is because I have a conflict and cannot do it. Most of the time I just give up and do not even ask. Which, of course, just builds more resentment in me. It gets frustrating to hear him say he is tired, or it is his day off . . . GIVE ME A BREAK! You don't see me sitting around watching TV when I get home from work or on my day off. I'm taxiing, cleaning, cooking, etc. Double standard and selfishness as I see it. And also: He knew about this event in advance. We had to RSVP for it, so it wasn't a surprise. I know I've probably not addressed all your questions . . . I'll type more later. Thanks for listening and offering your advice. steadfast

pbaribeault -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/12/2008 11:04:04 AM)
I don't personally show support for my children's activities... I don't put my children in activities (although I may as they grow older, I'm not saying that I am against them). The reason I say this is that I'm not sure a child's self esteem ought to be based on such shaky ground as an ability to run well, and to be seen doing it. Sure, it's nice to be talented, but I'm not going to put any particular emphasis than that on a skill that I consider essentially trivial. Much less am I going to go further and say, "Not only is it fabulous that you are a fast runner, and you are better than the other kids, it's even better when people are watching and cheering, especially if those who acknowledge you are the ones that you have triumphed over -- it wouldn't be half as great if you just ran fast alone." What children need is a general but unshakable sense that they are acceptable, worthwhile and actually special to those that love them. For this reason, I would answer your question by saying that a Dad should be showing support for the child, not for the 'activities'. You do this by building a relationship that has this sense of pride and acceptability at it's core. Some people do this by cheer-leading the things a person does, that's fine as a bonus item... but there is more to the idea of knowing and being known. If your husband is not managing to do this, there really is a problem. To find out, just ask your son, "Do you think your dad really likes you?" and then ask "Why?" If your son answers something like, "Yes, because he lives here, and he takes care of me, and he tickles me, and helps me with my math and we go camping." -- there is no problem there. If he answers something like, I guess so, maybe or not really -- I hope your husband would appreciate knowing that, so that he can find a better way to express himself to his son. However, if any boy answers, "Yes, my Dad likes me, because I'm good at sports, and Dad really thinks sports are important." -- well, that sets off my alarm bells. Kids should do sports because they find them engaging and satisfying, not because they are a cheap and easy means to gain approval, accolades, cheering and awards. (A good set of questions for this is, "do you like the time you spend playing, or the time after a game/race that you have won? Do you like games/real races better than practices, and why?) (And I'm not sure how anybody here is interpreting looking for a job on the internet as not having 'things to do' -- if you are both working so hard and stretched so thin, a new job might be just what the doctor ordered.)

TorchHeart -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/12/2008 11:17:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: steadfast3 Thanks for all the input. I'll try to answer some of your questions by providing some more details. As I mentioned in my OP, he rarely attends anything - events or fun activities. Sometimes it is because he is working, but often times he is not at work and chooses to miss the event. I work full time myself and take primary responsibility for the house and all the kid's stuff. So, I know what it is like to be tired and have the DESIRE to stay home and do something for me (although it would likely be laundry, etc!). There are many times I would like to stay home, but feel that would send the wrong message - that I care more about myself so I'll sit around and read while my child goes to perform in a concert (they only have a few a year). There have been many things that I was THRILLED to see the last off - the last 4th grade orchestra concert for example. Always very painful! LOL! But, my child had worked HARD to prepare for it, so why wouldn't you be in the audience for them? I think YZGUY (martyr stamper_ben and others) were pretty accurate in describing it as selfishness/sin nature. If its that bad, then I have to agree with those other posters in saying that your husband has his priorities out of order. And that's sad. He's going to regret it later in life, I'll garuntee it. How does your kid react to his disinterest?

steadfast3 -> RE: Husband disinterested in our activities (6/12/2008 12:58:19 PM)
pbar, yes, I agree: being an excellent runner in and of itself is trivial. My concern is not that he IS a great runner. My concern is that it amazes me that even though he is "talented" in running, my DH shows no interest. How can he be compelled to sit in front of the TV and cheer for the accoplishments of total strangers, but not show an interest in his own son's accomplishments? Anyway, to continue further: being an excellent runner IS trivial. I don't want him to get a bunch of pride (in the bad sense) from that. The "lesson/skill" that I am thrilled that he is gaining is the self discipline it takes to be a runner or any other kind of athelete. Sure, I'm proud of him. But the "ticket" to his success is mostly self discipline. THAT will help him be "successful" in so many other ways. The other thing I feel a child learns is the value of trying and the value of hard work. If they make an effort, they will learn they can get results. When you can increase your skill in ANY task you take on, that creates self confidence and satisfaction. To me, that is the most compelling reason to have your child involved in activities. But, you DO have to keep a lid on it! They do NOT need to be involved in everything! The talent of my kids varies, so I learned a while back NOT to praise a child for being the first or the best. I try to commend them on how they measure up against themselves (are you feeling stronger? Wow, that is a new personal record for you, isn't it?). Again, focusing on how effort gives you results. Furthermore, I agree with your comment: "For this reason, I would answer your question by saying that a Dad should be showing support for the child, not for the 'activities'. You do this by building a relationship that has this sense of pride and acceptability at it's core. " My husband struggles with this. His Dad never has anything good to say about anything - only criticism. My DH is continuing that legacy, although not as "intense". steadfast

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