I found out something about DH... (Full Version)

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stillabride -> I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 3:59:42 PM)

Last night I found out DH looks at porn. Several nights of the week I go to bed before he does while he plays his computer game, then he joins me a couple of hours later. The same thing happened last night, but I woke up 4 hours later and he still wasn't in bed. I was filled with a sense of foreboding...something that rarely happens to me. I felt like I should get up and go see what was up. As I was walking towards the closed office door I felt so strongly that he may be doing something "bad" in there. So I knocked and waited a couple of seconds before slowly opening the door. I found DH standing up in front of a blank computer screen. He said he was just coming to bed, but he looked really guilty, so I had an idea of what he was doing. After he fell asleep, I got up and went to his laptop and found that he had visited a porn site that day. I know he would normally erase that from his webpage history and memory because it's a company laptop, but he just didn't have time last night because I interupted.

I'm so disappointed and hurt. I had a miscarriage less than 2 weeks ago which has been very hard to handle. I often feel lonely and misunderstood by everyone, even DH sometimes, and now I feel even worse. I've always been so proud of DH, he isn't the "typical" guy. He's very polite, spends time with me, understands my feelings, things that many guys seem to struggle with. When I hear other women complain about their husbands doing stuff like this, I'm always proud to think that my H isn't like that. Now I find out that he is. I feel so ugly and undesirable right now. It's bad enough going through a miscarriage, now I feel like I'm not satisfying him or being a good wife for one more reason. I wonder how long this has been going on. If it's an addiction. If there are other things he's hiding from me.

What should I do? I feel embarrassed for him, I hate to bring it up. But I'm wondering if we should even bring a child into the deceit of this family relationship. We were planning on trying to conceive again right away, but now I'm not sure about that decision. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong to make him turn to that stuff or if we should go to marriage counceling. I haven't talked to him since last night because he's been at work. I feel funny everytime I think about seeing him again now that I have this knowledge. So I feel like I should talk to him, but is that really the best thing? Should I let this slip or confront it? If I talk to him about it is there something I should do first like talk to our pastor or go to counceling beforehand? Thanks so much for listening to all of this, I really need some advice.



KatMack -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 4:06:32 PM)

First, it's time to "get prayed up" as a dear friend of mine says. This is not going to be an easy road, but there is a way out.

Second, repeat after me... "This has nothing to do with me. This has nothing to do with me." Continue to repeat that to yourself as you walk this difficult road. I've been there and it's not easy and it's not pretty, but as I said before there is a way out.

Third, there is no way that letting this slide is a healthy solution. If he doesn't have an addiction now, it can very easily slip into one. Loving confrontation is needed. If DH is a believer, I think it's important to talk to him and then both of you talk to your pastor. You will need much greater spiritual guidance than you can get online [;)]

I will be praying for you.

--Kat



stillabride -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 5:08:33 PM)

Thanks, KatMack. I'm just so nervous about bringing this up to him. I don't know if I should just outright say "I know what you're doing," or kind of hint around to see if he will figure out I know and give him a chance to confess. Even though DH is a Christian, I'm afraid that he will be angry at me for snooping or that he will start treating me differently now that he knows I know. I'm also afraid that he will tell me WHY he's doing this, and that it will have something to do with me. It's so hard to understand why God let all of this bad stuff happen to me, I feel overwhelmed with moving into a new house, having a miscarriage, and now this.



Hislittleone -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 5:35:38 PM)

Dear Sister, I too have walked this road and it's a very difficult, long one. Just as Kat said, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I know that it's hard to believe or feel that though. I know how much this kind of betrayal hurts. Jesus takes it so seriously that He called it adultery.

Definitely confront your husband about this. Let him know that it must stop immediately and that he is going to have to do x,y and z in order to build your trust back up.

I do not think it's ok to label this as an addiction. It is a choice. As a believer he is no longer enslaved to sin, the Bible says so. So he CAN help it....he CAN stop it....he CAN change.

Many men will "repent" when caught but their hearts remain selfish. They will try to blame the wife or work or depression or the bird outside the window for their sin. If your husband does this just know that his behavior is typical.

Your husband chose to sin. It was his choice, his sin, his responsibility. Period. He will answer to God for what he's done. He has broken faith with God and with the wife of his youth (you).

If you and your husband are ONE then how can you snoop on YOURSELF?! You have every right to know what your other half is doing. What led you to check up on him was the prompting of the Holy Spirit, IMO. Most men caught in this sin will try to hide and lie instead of fully confessing and truly repenting. Pray that whatever is hidden in darkness will come to light and get ready. When I prayed that prayer God was faithful to answer it. Pray that God will give you the strength and grace to deal with whatever comes to light.

Most men are first introduced to porn in their pre-teen and teen years. That's when the problem starts. Even if he wasn't looking at porn before you got married (and I wouldn't be surprised if he was) then your husband probably still had problems with lustful thoughts. I seriously doubt that it just all of a sudden happened after you got married.

My husband is has overcome this sin. Our marriage has not only survived but has gotten better than it ever was. But like I said it's been a long, long, hard road.



Hislittleone -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 5:50:31 PM)

Wanted to add some resources that we have found to be the most helful.

By Fred Stoeker and Stever Arterburn
Every Man's Battle
Every Man's Marriage
Every Heart Restored (by Fred and Brenda Stoeker)
http://www.fredstoeker.com/home.shtml

By Joel and Kathy Davisson
Man of Her Dreams/Woman of His
Livin' It and Lovin' It
http://www.joelandkathy.com/

By Ken Nair
Discovering the Mind of a Woman

All of the books except for Every Heart Restored are for your husband to read (you can read them as well). There is an excellent support forum for wives hurt by this sin on the fred stoeker board called Every Heart Restored (name of the thread).



evryknee -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 6:36:04 PM)

I agree to confront him. Scriptures talk about a brother in sin and confronting him in love. I again agree that this is not your fault. It's not a personal act against you-yet it is a very personal act against you.

Even if he gets angry with you for "snooping," it must be confronted. His anger at "snooping" would be a way distracting you from his sin. In addition to the above resources, you may also appreciate Pure Life Ministries resources for men & their wives battling sexual sin. I find that they are the best with this struggle.



stillabride -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/9/2008 7:58:29 PM)

Thanks everyone. I still haven't talked to DH since my FIL came over and they've been working in the yard. DH is going out of town tomorrow and will be gone until Friday. I'm still planning on talking to him tonight. At this point I feel sick about the whole thing. I can't stand to be around him thinking about it. It's so weird, he's acting just like normal. I guess I expected him to change now that I know his secret.

It's scary though, this could have been going on the whole time we've been married and dating and everything. I've been in a relationship with him for over 6 years. What hurts the most at this point (besides being lied to) is that we are going to have to wait to have a baby. I can't bring a baby into this. That's become clear as I've read other message boards where there are new mothers dealing with their husbands' sexual sins. This is something I've wanted for so long, it hurts to have this as a set back. And it makes me wonder if this is the reason for the miscarriage. If God knew that it would be a bad thing to bring a baby into our family at this point. I think we need to work through everything before going ahead with trying to conceive.

And now I wonder how to deal with him going out of town. And I've read so many other posts by other women on message boards who after finding out their husbands looked at porn then found out that they were also involved in affairs. I'm scared and it's so hard to trust God through all of this. It's clear that I will need support and since I don't feel like this is something I should tell my family or friends (who are also friends with DH), I'm going to turn to online communities unless it becomes necessary to involve people in our personal lives.



jaimestarcross -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/10/2008 12:08:15 AM)

As troubling as the situation is, God is there and He can be trusted because He can't lie... EVERYONE else will fail us/do us wrong.
I've never met anyone without sin and I certainly don't know anyone who hasn't messed up - I've met plenty of people who like to think they don't have sin in their life.

I think you both need marital counseling and your husband needs a treatment/counseling for his addiction to porn.

***If you respond the wrong way to your husband's problem - it'll cause him to shut down - so don't go in with guns a blazing! Don't call him a disgusting person or tell him he makes you sick - when confronting a loved one about their problem do so after much prayer and with compassion/love... like Christ did when the scribes and Pharisees brought the woman caught in the very act of having sex with a man that wasn't her husband (Christ didn't treat her like her accusers did - notice that they directed their outrage at the woman - when they knew full well that both the man and woman are equally guilty and deserved equal punishment, at that time was death!)



Stronger2day -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/10/2008 1:14:41 AM)

Dear Stillabride, I would also go to bed earlier than my husband while he stayed up and played video games, only to wake up from a deep sleep with a ¡¥nagging¡¦ feeling and find him looking at porn. My body quivered with feelings of betrayal, hurt and general ¡¥yuckiness¡¦.

This must be addressed soon- it is adultery. My best advice would be not to blow up at him-JAIMESTARCROSS was right on. I called my hubby ugly names and screamed because I wanted him to feel the disappointment and ¡¥dirtiness¡¦ that I felt and this made matters much worse for us. I also scanned the computer EVERY night and went through everything in the house looking for porn. I drove MYSELF crazy. Counseling, talking and lots of prayer helped me get to a point where I could trust him and communication lines could be restored. Don¡¦t let this issue negate all of his positive qualities nor yours! Your marriage CAN survive this ƒº My prayers are with you, Stillabride!



stillabride -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/10/2008 2:56:26 PM)

Well I talked to DH last night. I told him that I found out and that I honestly believe that the Holy Spirit was leading me to find out because of that strong feeling I got. I told him that we could talk about it right away or when he got back because I didn't want him to feel pressured or put on the spot. But I told him I think it's really serious and that I take our marriage seriously enough to address it. He said he wanted to talk about it right away.

He told me that it was the first time he's been to a porn site. He said some of the guys in his online game were talking about it and that for some reason he decided to go there and see what they were talking about. I had noticed that he had pulled up one video and so when I asked him why he clicked on a video, he said he didn't know and that he didn't watch it (possibly because I walked in on him?). I go back and forth between believing that he wasn't going to go back to that site and that it was his first time to go there and feeling like the whole thing is kind of odd. I just don't understand why he would go there just because some guys were talking about it unless he had sinful intentions.

However, I don't have a strong feeling that something is still wrong or that he is lying to me and since I did have such a strong feeling that something was up the other night, I'm kind of going by instincts. He asked what he can do to make me trust him and I told him I want filters on his laptop and our computers, so he went to the store late last night, bought a filter, and installed it on his laptop. I know that if he is addicted to it that a filter on his laptop won't keep him from getting it, but it makes me feel better about not having it in the house and it also lets him know that I am serious about this, whether or not he was telling the truth.

Thanks for all of your advice and encouragement. I still feel a little insecure, but I'm really hoping that DH is telling the truth and that everything will turn out ok.



KatMack -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/10/2008 3:11:34 PM)

Filters are a must. I recommend Safe Eyes. That's what we use. It's easy to use and very customizable.

I don't want to be a cynic, but odds are that he's lying about this being a one time thing. I just want you to be prepared in case you find evidence of more "viewing." Again, a good filter is a must now!

Still praying for you!

--Kat



Stronger2day -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 3:15:45 AM)

I agree with KatMack- chances are that it wasn't his first time. Does he always close the office door? Why would he do that to just 'casually' visit a site? You may want very hard to believe him-just be aware. Filters are great-but admin account can disable features when needed.



Hislittleone -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 4:28:00 AM)

I agree with Katmack and Stronger2day that this is probably not the first time and his intentions were more than likely sinful. Just be prepared that you will likely find out more.....especially if you are praying that what's hidden in the dark will be brought into the light by the Holy Spirit.



evryknee -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 8:02:32 AM)

Filters do not work 100% of the time - You might want to try a program that e-mails an accountability partner with each questionable site that is on. I think New Life Ministries has one.

Also, I recommend he gets an accountability partner (man from the church) who he gets together with or talks to regularly and read a book or two on the dangers of pornography and what God desires in a union between man & wife. This is not a skirmish, but a war. If he is serious about the war, he needs to fight hard. Kudos for him to talk about it right away and get software for the computers.

Question: Did he seek forgiveness? He needs to know how this affects you and how much it hurts you. He needs to know the questions in your mind about this, about how this questions in your heart and mind his love & attraction for you. He needs to know all of this so he sees how much this affects you and damages the relationship. (You need to tell him these things in a loving way)



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 11:06:51 AM)

stillabride - you might know this already but i'll mention it anyways in case you don't or for anyone else who might not know ... filters often have an admin password to override blocked sites ... if he is the one that installed the program ... then he knows the admin password and can bypass blocked sites ... and thus the filter is basically useless...

quote:

stillabride:
However, I don't have a strong feeling that something is still wrong or that he is lying to me and since I did have such a strong feeling that something was up the other night, I'm kind of going by instincts.

also i'd trust your discernment ... we have the Holy Spirit for a reason ...

edit: i see Stronger2day mentioned the password loophole, sorry to repeat ...



edgibson -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 12:42:59 PM)

Let me input a different perspective. I was an internet porn "frequent flier".

That may very well have been his first sojourn into internet porn, but without some support and policing, it will likely not be his last.

This is no excuse, but you need to understand that guys are very visual. It is the quick route into our heads. And that makes this problem all the more difficult to deal with. Unlike drinking, you are never in a situation where you can't "drink" the porn. It is in your head. Once you have seen it, it can't be unseen and it can be remembered. So it is always with you.

Every Man's Battle addresses that and gives some very good tactics in combating it.

It is NOT a computer issue. Nor is it a reflection on you. It is a lust issue. The manner of fulfillment is just a computer issue. It needs to be handled as a lust issue. The internet porn is a symptom.

I was blessed enough to have gotten my problem under control prior to marriage. But I made sure that my wife knew it was once a problem for me. (actually it will always be a problem for me, it is just under control now) She is now my biggest ally in the constant fight. My respect and love for her keep me from seeking out those images. She makes it a point to redirect me when we are out and someone who is "showing it off" walks by.

If he is serious about it, the Lord will take this from him. I pray that he is serious.

I will be praying for you, too.

God Bless,
Ed



TorchHeart -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 1:15:08 PM)

Is anyone else concerned by the fact that everybody seems to be immediately jumping to the conclussion that Everybride's husband has a problem looking at internet porn sites and immediately assumes he's addicted to them??? He got nailed looking at a porn site. Yes, it was wrong of him. Yes, its against what the Bible says. But we're going out and accusing him of adultry in some cases.

He should be ashamed, and he should repent from this. But let's not start casting stones, folks.

Everybride> I'm going to take a different approach, here. I'm not going to defend your husband's actions. You have every right to be displeased with him. You have every right to be hurt by what he did.

I am going to say this to you: He might very well be struggling with this event, himself. My wife suffered two miscarriages before we had our son. They were the toughest things I believe we have ever gone through in our marriage. But I believe that its harder on the woman than the man, and I believe that the toughest part for us men in this situation is that we have no way of being able to relate to how tough it is on the woman. Both emotionally and physically. He might be reacting to changes in your own personality (NONE OF WHICH ARE YOUR FAULT!!! THEY ARE ALL VERY NATURAL FOR EXPERIENCING SUCH AN EVENT AS THIS!). In this case, I think he just chose a bad way of dealing with things. And its more hurtful to you at this point because you already feel so badly about what has happened to you.

It should be stressed that NONE OF THIS has to do with you, or his love for you. I firmly believe that you two will get beyond this, but you should make it clear to him how this made you feel and that you do not approve of him looking at porn on the internet for both personal and religious reasons. Like a previous poster said, you can't just let this go.

Also rather than treating him like a criminal and making him see a counciler for a sex addiction that he may not even have, think about seeking a marriage counciler (be that someone within or outside of your church). You may both have issues that you need to get off your chest in regards to what has happened (both the internet porn problem AND the miscarriage) rather than just him.



futuremartyr -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 2:11:04 PM)

http://www.covenanteyes.com/



Hislittleone -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 2:13:38 PM)

quote:

Is anyone else concerned by the fact that everybody seems to be immediately jumping to the conclussion that Everybride's husband has a problem looking at internet porn sites and immediately assumes he's addicted to them??? He got nailed looking at a porn site. Yes, it was wrong of him. Yes, its against what the Bible says. But we're going out and accusing him of adultry in some cases


I know that I for one, am a wife whose marriage was almost destroyed by pornography. From my experience with it (speaking of all the others stories I've heard in support forums, and what I've read about it) looking at porn is almost NEVER a one time thing.

Lusting after a woman other than your wife is called adulterous by God Himself. Here's what the BIBLE has to say about it:

Matthew 5:27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[e] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

quote:

He might be reacting to changes in your own personality (NONE OF WHICH ARE YOUR FAULT!!! THEY ARE ALL VERY NATURAL FOR EXPERIENCING SUCH AN EVENT AS THIS!). In this case, I think he just chose a bad way of dealing with things.


So because his wife had a miscarriage this man turned to pornography? [8|] Ooookay. That's just an excuse for sin. What he did was very wrong. He chose to sin. Doesn't even matter why, really. What matters is that he chose that path. Shows a lack of strength on his part, IMO. He should have been in bed comforting his wife who is grieving the loss of a child, not in the computer room satisfying his own selfish lusts.



TorchHeart -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 3:04:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone


I know that I for one, am a wife whose marriage was almost destroyed by pornography. From my experience with it (speaking of all the others stories I've heard in support forums, and what I've read about it) looking at porn is almost NEVER a one time thing.

Lusting after a woman other than your wife is called adulterous by God Himself. Here's what the BIBLE has to say about it:

Matthew 5:27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[e] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.


Jesus also says in Mathew Chapter 5:29 "And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."

Shall we get this guy a nail, and help him gouge it out of his head since he was looking at porn? Or maybe Jesus is trying to drive home another point in this chapter?

quote:

So because his wife had a miscarriage this man turned to pornography? [8|] Ooookay. That's just an excuse for sin. What he did was very wrong. He chose to sin. Doesn't even matter why, really. What matters is that he chose that path. Shows a lack of strength on his part, IMO. He should have been in bed comforting his wife who is grieving the loss of a child, not in the computer room satisfying his own selfish lusts.


RE-READ what I said. I never said what he did was right. Nor did I say it was an excuse for him to sin. But he is reacting to changes in his wife (not the miscarriage)that, I feel, he's not used to (nor should he be). He SHOULD be comforting his wife, but its a lot harder to do when you can't even grasp the emotions she's going through. Its easy for someone to feel hopeless and turn to satisfying their own needs rather than those of their wife in that situation.

I'm NOT condoning what he did, but telling other people who are condemning him to hell practically to back off.



Hislittleone -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 4:16:53 PM)

quote:

Jesus also says in Mathew Chapter 5:29 "And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."

Shall we get this guy a nail, and help him gouge it out of his head since he was looking at porn? Or maybe Jesus is trying to drive home another point in this chapter?


Yeah, He's trying to drive home how seriously we should take these sins. No, we shouldn't go out and physically harm ourselves when we sin. But we should stop the sin at all costs. I think that's the point Jesus was making.

quote:

RE-READ what I said. I never said what he did was right. Nor did I say it was an excuse for him to sin. But he is reacting to changes in his wife (not the miscarriage)that, I feel, he's not used to (nor should he be). He SHOULD be comforting his wife, but its a lot harder to do when you can't even grasp the emotions she's going through. Its easy for someone to feel hopeless and turn to satisfying their own needs rather than those of their wife in that situation.

I'm NOT condoning what he did, but telling other people who are condemning him to hell practically to back off.


I read what you said. And it does sound like an excuse. So what if changes in his wife make it hard on him??? That's when it's time to man up. You're right in that it's easier to sin than to take the path of righteousness. Jesus never said it would be easy to follow Him. In fact, He said the opposite.

Where exactly did you see someone condemning anyone to hell? I don't see it. Some of us are saying this man is wrong. How is that condemning someone to hell? [&:] We're just calling sin....sin.



Stronger2day -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 4:41:04 PM)

"...everybody seems to be immediately jumping to the conclussion that Everybride's husband has a problem looking at internet porn sites and immediately assumes he's addicted to them???"

This is an all encompassing statement. I disagree and I do not believe that everyone called him an addict nor is everyone condeming him-just telling Stillabride to be aware for the possibility that there 'may' be more to this. She came for advice and it was given. There is never an excuse for sin -and MY sin is NO better than his- but this fact should not keep us from offering advice or providing perspective.

Just my take on this.



whisper -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 9:14:48 PM)

I don't think that anyone is jumping to conclusions. This is one of those "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" situations that really shakes a person's trust, as it should. Certainly there is likely more to his side of the story, but that doesn't change the fact that there is sinful behaviour that was done in the dark and needs to change.

I'd recommend that you thank you husband for being considerate to your request, vigilant and getting himself the filter. Then I'd ask him to show you how it works and give you the packaging so you can learn about it. If there's an override password, let him know that you'd like to change it to something that just you know.

It's not being mean or accusatory or jumping to conclusions, it's a good response to the sin that your husband has been caught in. If he's not doing this habitually, the filter being under your name won't be a big loss. And if this has been habitual for him, all the more reason for your controlling the filter settings.



TorchHeart -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 10:26:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone


Yeah, He's trying to drive home how seriously we should take these sins. No, we shouldn't go out and physically harm ourselves when we sin. But we should stop the sin at all costs. I think that's the point Jesus was making.


Or he's using exaggeration to show how the avoidance of sin is basically impossible for everyone on Earth. The Sermon on the Mount consists of hyperbole. Many Biblical scholars will point that out. They're impossible for us to follow because mankind's nature is to sin. Hence the reason why Christ had to come and die for us to begin with.

quote:


Where exactly did you see someone condemning anyone to hell? I don't see it. Some of us are saying this man is wrong. How is that condemning someone to hell? [&:] We're just calling sin....sin.


Sorry. In my editing of my post I removed the word "practically," as in practically condemning him but stopping short. I do feel a number of people (you included) are coming down WAY hard on this guy. I've been in his shoes, and believe me, I sympathize with him.



fist.sensei -> RE: I found out something about DH... (6/11/2008 10:52:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
Sorry. In my editing of my post I removed the word "practically," as in practically condemning him but stopping short. I do feel a number of people (you included) are coming down WAY hard on this guy. I've been in his shoes, and believe me, I sympathize with him.


I agree with you 100%. Going as far as calling it adultery? I assume they've never experienced the true pain of infidelity to compare catching their guy looking at porn.

I must say I'm very thankful that my wife is so loving and gentle with me, and I hope that the anonimity of the computer is what makes some of these folks so harsh and quick to cast stones.

To the OP:

I think simply talking to your husband and telling him how much it bothered you, and why it bothered you would be a reasonable first step. If it continues... go to the next step.

Remember that you are both grieving right now, and dealing with a lot of stress. Both of you should be gentle and loving with one another, understanding and acknowledging each other's needs.



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