RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (Full Version)

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Kat_D -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 6:05:05 PM)

quote:

Kat, thanks for sticking up for me. If it was anyone bu Pam and Manda, I might have been offended. But, I know them well enough toknow it was all said with love.


Okay, I'm glad! I was just concerned that it might all be too much at once. (((((Christina)))))



nicole6598 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 7:00:37 PM)

Why doesn't your mum have a job Christina? Here in Australia if you don't have a job at that age you need to be actively looking for one or you don't get any benefits.



Flintejae -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 7:09:44 PM)

I just wanted to pop in and say ((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

I concur with pbari and Manda. I've had a lot of mom issues and really... u have to come to a place where you shut off this feeling where you have to provide for them. If you don't, they'll never ever be independant and you'll always think YOU have to be the adult in the family.

About your dad... You "should" let it go, but if you are anything like me you won't be able to. I think it would be best to talk to him so that bitterness and any wounding will be dealt with.



Mrs.X -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 7:41:44 PM)

Nicole, my mom hasn't been receiving any benefits. When she worked, she made "too much" to qualify for anything. I'm not sure why she hasn't looked for a job yet...maybe she's scared or depressed.

quote:

u have to come to a place where you shut off this feeling where you have to provide for them.

I dunno if I can get there, Jae. My mom and I have always got along and had a good relationship. I know if I "detatched with love" that it would ruin the relationship



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 7:49:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
Nicole, my mom hasn't been receiving any benefits. When she worked, she made "too much" to qualify for anything. I'm not sure why she hasn't looked for a job yet...maybe she's scared or depressed.


Or maybe she can't be bothered?

quote:

My mom and I have always got along and had a good relationship. I know if I "detatched with love" that it would ruin the relationship


How do you know that? You wouldn't have to be unpleasant, just firm.



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 8:01:04 PM)

Christina

Have you ever read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend?



Flintejae -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 8:09:37 PM)

Christina:

To me that means, "I have to be the parent and *I* have to maintain my moms happy attitude, at any cost, or we'll fight".

How is that fair or healthy to you, your marriage, kids, Or your mom?



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 8:43:00 PM)

Christina, it would not be kind to let your mother move in with you--not to you, your DH, your kids OR HER! She does not need someone to make it all better--she needs to learn. And if a shelter is the place where she will learn that, then that is where you need to let her go. They aren't terrible places, you know! Most will have a decent place for her to stay, food to eat, and people who will hold her accountable. They have long-term programs that will help her find a job and get her finances in shape.

If she moves in with you, she will never leave, she will ruin your finances and probably your marriage, and she will disrupt your relationship with your kids. Don't do it. It isn't your responsibility. It isn't the best thing for anyone involved. Doing that, or even planning on it, gives your mother power over your life that should not be hers.



nicole6598 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 9:30:52 PM)

I would maybe try and find out why she hasn't got a job, maybe suggest some things she could do to find one. Is she going through menopause too? I know that can be hard with my mums emotions and mental capacity.



Flintejae -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/10/2008 11:31:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

Christina, it would not be kind to let your mother move in with you--not to you, your DH, your kids OR HER! She does not need someone to make it all better--she needs to learn. And if a shelter is the place where she will learn that, then that is where you need to let her go. They aren't terrible places, you know! Most will have a decent place for her to stay, food to eat, and people who will hold her accountable. They have long-term programs that will help her find a job and get her finances in shape.

If she moves in with you, she will never leave, she will ruin your finances and probably your marriage, and she will disrupt your relationship with your kids. Don't do it. It isn't your responsibility. It isn't the best thing for anyone involved. Doing that, or even planning on it, gives your mother power over your life that should not be hers.


I am quoting this because I think it really bares reading and rereading.



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 3:26:14 AM)

The other thing that can happen, Christina, when we get into the mindset of rescuing people (and effectively being their saviour), it can keep those people from realising their need of The Saviour, because we're effectively enabling them to keep managing their lives without Him.



preserved -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 10:35:47 AM)

STEELMAGNOLIA,

I would not ask your father what took place years ago. The fact that he is in your life now is what matters. I would also not get caught up with your mother issues with your father...You are at peace with him...then leave it and stay out of your mother's battles. Could be that your mother wants your father back with her...Since the three of you take vacation from his timeshare...I take it that he is single?

Your mother is just angry because her plans are not coming together and she more than likely realizes that she is going to have to go back and work..



Mrs.X -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 11:46:32 AM)

I guess my mind has been made for me. Robert changed his mind and said my mom could not come stay with us if she got evicted. Yeah, it probably is better that way, but I don't want it to hurt her that I won't help her.


quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598

I would maybe try and find out why she hasn't got a job, maybe suggest some things she could do to find one. Is she going through menopause too? I know that can be hard with my mums emotions and mental capacity.

I've already helped her in that area. Her friend loaned a little money to buy some interview clothes. I updated and printed her resume and references. Robert found that Guardsmark is hiring for $2 more an hour than the company we used to work for. I explained that Guardsmark WILL hire her because of the way those companies work...they settle for lazy guards until good ones come along to replace them, and she's a good guard. She already has her certification. I don't know what's stopping her from just showing up there, filling out an app and leaving her resume.

I think she has been going through menopause for a while now. I don't know much about it, but I know she's taking a bunch of OTC herbs. I know over the years I've noticed she gets to a point where she just can't handle anything, or take anymore, and she just shuts down. Last time that happened I was 16 and she just stopped going to work one day. She would lay in bed all day until we got evicted. I went to live with my aunt, and she was living in my grandma's empty house that was going through escrow. She had a nervous breakdown and tried to drown herself in the ocean. The time before that I was 14. I am scared that she is going through the same thing. But, I don't know for sure.



Mrs.X -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 11:58:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

Christina

Have you ever read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend?

I have not.



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 12:30:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
I guess my mind has been made for me. Robert changed his mind and said my mom could not come stay with us if she got evicted. Yeah, it probably is better that way, but I don't want it to hurt her that I won't help her.



It's called Tough Love, Christina, and sometimes it just has to be done. I had to tell my mother and father years ago that they would not be living with us when they got old, and yes, it hurt them, but I qualified it by saying that it really wouldn't work and would not be a good idea.

Regarding the book I mentioned:

http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook1.html

If you'd like to read it, I can send you a copy. If you'd rather I didn't have your address, I can send it anywhere you like, if there is somewhere else you could pick it up from. Have a lookee at the website and see if you'd like to give it a try.



Flintejae -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 12:30:49 PM)

Christina - You must go to the library and get that book! I promise you'll be better for it! It will give you so many answers and directions for the very situation you are in now.

I'm very proud of your husband for drawing a line that Must be drawn.



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 12:33:31 PM)

A suggestion, Christina - when it comes to telling your mum that she won't be able to come and stay with you if she gets evicted, I suggest you tell her it's your joint decision, rather than attributing it to your husband and leaving him "exposed".



Flintejae -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 12:40:59 PM)

Excellent Idea, Manda!



Mrs.X -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 1:09:17 PM)

I can see if my library has it. I don't mind you having my address, but to ship it to the U.S. probably costs more than the book. Thank you. Robert said I could blame it on him, but I don't think I will if when it comes to that.



Flintejae -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 1:18:17 PM)

Blaming your husband would be a terrible idea. You guys are partners and need to approach situations like that - as a team.



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 1:22:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
I can see if my library has it. I don't mind you having my address, but to ship it to the U.S. probably costs more than the book.


I doubt it - and would be happy to mail it to you if you don't find it at the library. Let me know!

quote:


Robert said I could blame it on him, but I don't think I will if when it comes to that.


IMO it's vital you stand together over this. You may find your mother tries to blame him for the decision, but it's important to be loyal to him and not allow her to try and come between you.



nicole6598 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 6:50:46 PM)

I am a bit concerned for your mothers mental health Christina. Has she been to the doctor recently? I think I would try and find a way to gently suggest going to a doctor, she sounds like she has battled with depression a long time from what you have said.



Mrs.X -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 7:49:37 PM)

Yeah, I don't think I'll blame him. He knows how uncomfortable I get about confrontation, so that's why he offered.

Nicole, I feel worried about it too. She can't afford to go to the doctor though. I know that is such a foreign thought to you, but it happens to way too many people too often. When she was institutionalized, my grandma was able to help pay for that, and then she qualified for Medi-Cal in California to continue therapy and get meds for no cost. But, health care sucks up here, you have to be pregnant or under age 5 to get it.



manda59 -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 7:59:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
He knows how uncomfortable I get about confrontation, so that's why he offered.




That was kind of him.



HisCovenant -> RE: Had a blowing up with my mom (6/11/2008 8:14:32 PM)

Is there a place where she could get some free counseling? She may need drugs and medical care, but having someone to talk to or suggest behavioral changes may give her a bit of relief since it's all connected. A counselor may also know of programs (private or government) that you are unaware of to get her the medical care she needs.



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