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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 6:05:05 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3131
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
Kat, thanks for sticking up for me. If it was anyone bu Pam and Manda, I might have been offended. But, I know them well enough toknow it was all said with love.
Okay, I'm glad! I was just concerned that it might all be too much at once. (((((Christina)))))
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~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 7:00:37 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4093
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Why doesn't your mum have a job Christina? Here in Australia if you don't have a job at that age you need to be actively looking for one or you don't get any benefits.
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 7:41:44 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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Nicole, my mom hasn't been receiving any benefits. When she worked, she made "too much" to qualify for anything. I'm not sure why she hasn't looked for a job yet...maybe she's scared or depressed.
quote:
u have to come to a place where you shut off this feeling where you have to provide for them.
I dunno if I can get there, Jae. My mom and I have always got along and had a good relationship. I know if I "detatched with love" that it would ruin the relationship
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 7:49:49 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
Nicole, my mom hasn't been receiving any benefits. When she worked, she made "too much" to qualify for anything. I'm not sure why she hasn't looked for a job yet...maybe she's scared or depressed.
Or maybe she can't be bothered?
quote:
My mom and I have always got along and had a good relationship. I know if I "detatched with love" that it would ruin the relationship
How do you know that? You wouldn't have to be unpleasant, just firm.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 8:01:04 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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Christina
Have you ever read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend?
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 8:43:00 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6273
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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Christina, it would not be kind to let your mother move in with you--not to you, your DH, your kids OR HER! She does not need someone to make it all better--she needs to learn. And if a shelter is the place where she will learn that, then that is where you need to let her go. They aren't terrible places, you know! Most will have a decent place for her to stay, food to eat, and people who will hold her accountable. They have long-term programs that will help her find a job and get her finances in shape.
If she moves in with you, she will never leave, she will ruin your finances and probably your marriage, and she will disrupt your relationship with your kids. Don't do it. It isn't your responsibility. It isn't the best thing for anyone involved. Doing that, or even planning on it, gives your mother power over your life that should not be hers.
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Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 9:30:52 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4093
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I would maybe try and find out why she hasn't got a job, maybe suggest some things she could do to find one. Is she going through menopause too? I know that can be hard with my mums emotions and mental capacity.
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 11:31:36 PM
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Flintejae
Posts: 2605
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
Christina, it would not be kind to let your mother move in with you--not to you, your DH, your kids OR HER! She does not need someone to make it all better--she needs to learn. And if a shelter is the place where she will learn that, then that is where you need to let her go. They aren't terrible places, you know! Most will have a decent place for her to stay, food to eat, and people who will hold her accountable. They have long-term programs that will help her find a job and get her finances in shape.
If she moves in with you, she will never leave, she will ruin your finances and probably your marriage, and she will disrupt your relationship with your kids. Don't do it. It isn't your responsibility. It isn't the best thing for anyone involved. Doing that, or even planning on it, gives your mother power over your life that should not be hers.
I am quoting this because I think it really bares reading and rereading.
_____________________________
- Janine
Jadon, 3/12/08. Thank You, Lord, for Your Amazing Miracles
 Moo!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 3:26:14 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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The other thing that can happen, Christina, when we get into the mindset of rescuing people (and effectively being their saviour), it can keep those people from realising their need of The Saviour, because we're effectively enabling them to keep managing their lives without Him.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 10:35:47 AM
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preserved
Posts: 752
Joined: 6/12/2007
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STEELMAGNOLIA,
I would not ask your father what took place years ago. The fact that he is in your life now is what matters. I would also not get caught up with your mother issues with your father...You are at peace with him...then leave it and stay out of your mother's battles. Could be that your mother wants your father back with her...Since the three of you take vacation from his timeshare...I take it that he is single?
Your mother is just angry because her plans are not coming together and she more than likely realizes that she is going to have to go back and work..
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 11:46:32 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: online
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I guess my mind has been made for me. Robert changed his mind and said my mom could not come stay with us if she got evicted. Yeah, it probably is better that way, but I don't want it to hurt her that I won't help her.
quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I would maybe try and find out why she hasn't got a job, maybe suggest some things she could do to find one. Is she going through menopause too? I know that can be hard with my mums emotions and mental capacity.
I've already helped her in that area. Her friend loaned a little money to buy some interview clothes. I updated and printed her resume and references. Robert found that Guardsmark is hiring for $2 more an hour than the company we used to work for. I explained that Guardsmark WILL hire her because of the way those companies work...they settle for lazy guards until good ones come along to replace them, and she's a good guard. She already has her certification. I don't know what's stopping her from just showing up there, filling out an app and leaving her resume.
I think she has been going through menopause for a while now. I don't know much about it, but I know she's taking a bunch of OTC herbs. I know over the years I've noticed she gets to a point where she just can't handle anything, or take anymore, and she just shuts down. Last time that happened I was 16 and she just stopped going to work one day. She would lay in bed all day until we got evicted. I went to live with my aunt, and she was living in my grandma's empty house that was going through escrow. She had a nervous breakdown and tried to drown herself in the ocean. The time before that I was 14. I am scared that she is going through the same thing. But, I don't know for sure.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 11:58:30 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Christina
Have you ever read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend?
I have not.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 12:30:00 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
I guess my mind has been made for me. Robert changed his mind and said my mom could not come stay with us if she got evicted. Yeah, it probably is better that way, but I don't want it to hurt her that I won't help her.
It's called Tough Love, Christina, and sometimes it just has to be done. I had to tell my mother and father years ago that they would not be living with us when they got old, and yes, it hurt them, but I qualified it by saying that it really wouldn't work and would not be a good idea.
Regarding the book I mentioned:
http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook1.html
If you'd like to read it, I can send you a copy. If you'd rather I didn't have your address, I can send it anywhere you like, if there is somewhere else you could pick it up from. Have a lookee at the website and see if you'd like to give it a try.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 12:33:31 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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A suggestion, Christina - when it comes to telling your mum that she won't be able to come and stay with you if she gets evicted, I suggest you tell her it's your joint decision, rather than attributing it to your husband and leaving him "exposed".
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 1:09:17 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: online
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I can see if my library has it. I don't mind you having my address, but to ship it to the U.S. probably costs more than the book. Thank you. Robert said I could blame it on him, but I don't think I will if when it comes to that.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 1:22:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
I can see if my library has it. I don't mind you having my address, but to ship it to the U.S. probably costs more than the book.
I doubt it - and would be happy to mail it to you if you don't find it at the library. Let me know!
quote:
Robert said I could blame it on him, but I don't think I will if when it comes to that.
IMO it's vital you stand together over this. You may find your mother tries to blame him for the decision, but it's important to be loyal to him and not allow her to try and come between you.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 6:50:46 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4093
Status: offline
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I am a bit concerned for your mothers mental health Christina. Has she been to the doctor recently? I think I would try and find a way to gently suggest going to a doctor, she sounds like she has battled with depression a long time from what you have said.
_____________________________
Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 7:49:37 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: online
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Yeah, I don't think I'll blame him. He knows how uncomfortable I get about confrontation, so that's why he offered.
Nicole, I feel worried about it too. She can't afford to go to the doctor though. I know that is such a foreign thought to you, but it happens to way too many people too often. When she was institutionalized, my grandma was able to help pay for that, and then she qualified for Medi-Cal in California to continue therapy and get meds for no cost. But, health care sucks up here, you have to be pregnant or under age 5 to get it.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 7:59:52 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6050
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
He knows how uncomfortable I get about confrontation, so that's why he offered.
That was kind of him.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/11/2008 8:14:32 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4284
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Is there a place where she could get some free counseling? She may need drugs and medical care, but having someone to talk to or suggest behavioral changes may give her a bit of relief since it's all connected. A counselor may also know of programs (private or government) that you are unaware of to get her the medical care she needs.
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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