RE: Overprotective... (Full Version)

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manda59 -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 4:07:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leslie_JnJs_mom
I would be calling the director wanting to know why they did not do as they said they would.



My now 18 yr old ds would have been extremely embarrassed if I'd done that when he was 17. And I know for sure that my now 14 yr old dd wouldn't want me doing that now, let alone when she was 17.

If one of them was away and needed to call me, I am sure one of them would ask whoever was in charge if they could do so. At some stage we *have* to let them grow up and stand up for themselves, and by 17 they should definitely be able to do that without us hovering around like mother hens and doing things for them that they need to be doing themselves.



Sideways -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 7:06:46 AM)

Believe me, concern over a 17 year old at camp is far from the worst thing I've ever hear. [8D] Here in America we have something called "helicopter parents". They call their child's college professors to argue about the youngster's grades and even attend their job interviews with them. No joke, it's becoming a real, growing problem.

But I think the OP will not be anything like that. [:)]



stellaluna -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 9:46:53 AM)

At 17, I probably would have told my mom I couldn't have a phone even if I could--just so I wouldn't have to talk to her everyday. Luckily back then we didn't have cell phones, so that little lie wasn't an option. [8D]



EmilyAnn -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 10:43:36 AM)

quote:

when he/she is living on their own, perhaps married, etc, it will not be a healthy thing to be calling her mom every single day.


Why not?



TorchHeart -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 10:52:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 29redballoons

Okay, I KNOW I am over protective by many in this world's standards...so we do not need to debate that. My question is, would you be upset?
My dd is at youth camp this week. First time away from home this long, yes, she is 17. I asked before I said she could go, will she have her cell phone? The director said yes, because she is a counselor, she will have her phone. We said she could go. She called us the first night and said they were making her lock up her phone and she would not be allowed to keep it...so for the first time in 17 years, I went to bed last night without speaking with my child all day. I am devastated, would you be, or do you think I am ridiculous?



I think this is a completely natural reaction for you to have. You're not being over-protective in my mind; you're just a loving mother who has been used to talking to her child every day of her life. And since she's only 17, why wouldn't you have? She lives with you. You're her parent. You're trying to be a good mom by staying involved in her life to make sure she's not getting into things she shouldn't and what not. This is normal.

But its also normal to have some anxiety, as your daughter grows up, when she isn't going to be able to talk to you as much. Eventually, she's probably going to go to college, or get married, or have a career, or all of the above. Then it might be less common to be able to talk to her EVERY single day. But for right now, this is not normal for you. And you have every right to feel as though it isn't.

Think of this as a taste of what the future may hold as your daughter grows into a woman and starts to live her own life. And take pride in the fact that you care about her enough to WANT to be ablet to talk to her every night. But also enjoy the relief in knowing that you've guided her to this point in her life, apparently quite successfully.

:)



29redballoons -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 11:15:10 AM)

Thank you all for your replies...I appreciate them all. Believe me I have gotten worse even IRL...stella, lots of people respond like you, but we are very close and I do not believe nor has she ever given me reason to believe that she would lie to me about this.



W.O.F. -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 11:29:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 29redballoons

Okay, I KNOW I am over protective by many in this world's standards...so we do not need to debate that. My question is, would you be upset?
My dd is at youth camp this week. First time away from home this long, yes, she is 17. I asked before I said she could go, will she have her cell phone? The director said yes, because she is a counselor, she will have her phone. We said she could go. She called us the first night and said they were making her lock up her phone and she would not be allowed to keep it...so for the first time in 17 years, I went to bed last night without speaking with my child all day. I am devastated, would you be, or do you think I am ridiculous?

I would not be so devastated at not being able to talk to my daughter as I would be a bit disturbed as to WHY her phone was being locked up.....was it something she did or did the director lie to you.

That is what would trouble me. I'd be calling and finding out asap. Because if it was the director misleading you...that IS a problem. If it was because she was being distracted from the purpose of the camp...then I'd understand.

We are also what some consider "overprotective" of our children..and yet...I am letting my 17 year old go to the UK this summer for three weeks. She does not have a cell phone (we don't let our children have them...they borrow one of ours if they are going out to bible study, etc)...and is not allowed to bring one. HOWEVER...we know her leaders and have taken the time to really get to know them and trust them..and she will call when she is able to.

I understand where you are coming from...but at the same time...I realize that I can hinder my daughter by not allowing there to be some separation from me..and that one of the best protections I CAN give her is to allow her the chance to be "independant" of talking to me everyday while in a safe, carefully chaperoned, monitored situation.



W.O.F. -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 11:31:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmilyAnn

quote:

when he/she is living on their own, perhaps married, etc, it will not be a healthy thing to be calling her mom every single day.


Why not?

Because her focus should then be on HER family (her husband) and developing that relationship above all others other than her relationship with God.

The Bible does say to cleave and leave...and that applies to the wife as well as the husband. That does not mean you have nothing to do with your parents, but it does mean that your main focus is to be your spouse.....to learn to depend on each other completely and without hesitation.



EmilyAnn -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 12:46:34 PM)

But can't your main focus still be on your spouse (and children) even if you call and talk to your mom for 10 minutes every day?



stellaluna -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 2:09:34 PM)

What does one say when one calls one's mother everyday?

And in the camp situation, I can imagine a scenario that coming home would be so much more exciting if you didn't talk on the phone. If you talk every single day, then you come home and meh...you just talked the night before.



stellaluna -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 2:15:50 PM)

<edited to get rid of a weird double post> [8|]



p31woman -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 2:38:47 PM)

quote:

What does one say when one calls one's mother everyday?


Same things you say to friends you chat with every day-- weather, what you've got going on that day, the price of gas, etc.



Consecrated2God -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 4:44:55 PM)

I don't chat with anyone every day, except for those who live in the same household as me.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 4:47:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

quote:

ORIGINAL: 29redballoons
..I don't like it and I really feel like I was lied to.


I just wonder if they had a really good reason for changing the policy all of a sudden - like, for example, one of the young people was spending too much time on the phone, or texting or whatever. It doesn't have to mean you were lied to, perhaps at the time it was the intention to let them keep their phones, but they had to make some changes.

I would guess that this is likely the reason. I employ lots of 16 and 17 yr old kids and you'd think they'd have enough sense to stay off their cell phones at work and actually.....work. But, no, they don't. So in theory the policy would let them keep their phones but the reality is probably that one (or a couple) of the kids didn't use any common sense and the policy had to be changed.

As far as talking every day, my kid is 15 and when she's away she usually, but not always, calls me. But it's not a requirement, I don't give it a second thought if she doesn't. Next yr, when she's 16, I'm sending her to France with the French Club for two weeks. I expect to know that she got there safely but I don't expect to talk to her every day. I've been raising her to be independent and not need me. I've also raised her that, should her precious cell phone be lost/damaged/unusable, she would know how to reach me if necessary.

I not only love my kid but I like her, too, and I very much enjoy talking to her. But, if she couldn't go a day without talking to me, I'd be concerned about her level of independence and competency and feel that I hadn't done my job very well.



W.O.F. -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 7:37:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God

I don't chat with anyone every day, except for those who live in the same household as me.

me either.

I also know that of my friends, both online and IRL..those who did NOT talk to parents everyday had a much easier time adjusting to married life and relying solely on their spouses than those who kept those strings tied so tightly.

That said...I did call my mother once every other week (couldn't afford more than that) when hubby and I were first married..and he called his parents that often too....but we could only talk for about 15 minutes. IF they called us...we eliminated one call to their house.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmilyAnn

But can't your main focus still be on your spouse (and children) even if you call and talk to your mom for 10 minutes every day?

ONLY if you do that call when it is not taking time away from either spouse or children or out of the time that it takes to care for them and the home you all live in.

Like Consecrated said...I don't talk to someone who does not live in my household everyday...I don't have time for it!



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 8:57:23 PM)

I think it has more to do with dependence upon your mother. WHY you call her is more important than when, I guess. But an adult should really not need to speak with his/her mom every day, and an everyday call like that is likely to interfere with marital relationships. There are just to many ways that could really be unhealthy, and it generally speaks of an unwillingness to let go of a parent-child relationship and let it transition into a parent-adult child relationship.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 9:28:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon

But, if she couldn't go a day without talking to me, I'd be concerned about her level of independence and competency and feel that I hadn't done my job very well.

I forgot to add that if *I* couldn't go a day without talking to her, that would indicate to me that I am WAY too wrapped up in my kids and that I didn't have a healthy whole personhood of my own.

I think it's one thing to like talking to your parent or child every day and a whole 'nother animal to need to do so. But maybe that's just me.<shrug>



29redballoons -> RE: Overprotective... (6/11/2008 11:36:06 PM)

Okay, we have established that I am unhealthy, too needy, overly emotional, and encouraging may child to lie, etc. Fact is, I still need to talk with her daily...I need to, I like to, and I want to. So sue me. I am gonna survivie this week, and we both will grow from it....but nonetheless, it has not been easy.

Thanks again for all of your replies. I have read and will continue to read each one and I respect each of your opinions.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 12:21:22 AM)

Red, I don't think anyone is saying that! I know I am not. As I said, I would feel the same as you do, and to be honest, when the boys don't call me when they are gone with their father, it really bugs me--how do I know they are alive?! Are they having too much fun and they forgot me? Or are they miserable? Will their father LET them call me if they want to? LOL

As Monk would say, it's a blessing....and a curse.

Also, it's really great that you and your teenage daughter like each other.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 8:12:41 AM)

I think it's great you love your daughter so much and have a good relationship with her! I'm sure that will become a WONDERFUL relationship when she is an adult, even if she doesn't call you every day.[;)][8D]

Does she come home Saturday?



FAWIHTT -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 8:48:34 AM)

I would be upset because I would feel like I was lied to although I don't beleive that was intentional. Lets see what good can we take out of this. Well, this may be a good thing training ground for when she leaves the nest. I know it's hard to think of that. I have 2 kids one is 9 and the other 10 and although I am not overprotective at least I try not to be but it is hard. It is something I don't even want to think about. Lets rember what
Romans 8:28 says to do And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God to those who are the called according to his purpose



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 8:53:03 AM)

I would be upset at being told one thing and then have the rules change once it is "too late" to do anything about it too.

I want to KNOW that I can get a hold of people in an emergency, and having been lied to like that would have made me nervous about how easy it would be to contact her in the case of an emergency. I don't take those things for granted as I have been denied access to a family member while they were at VBS at a church even. I can't tell you how angry and frustrated that made me feel.

At 17, I am sure that she will be fine, BUT they would get a MAJOR earful at changing the rules midstream. I think that iif you could have known that before you would not have felt so bad about it. BUT having your daughter being stuck with people who you can't trust because they have lied to you without a way to contact her is a horrible sinking feeling at best.



Consecrated2God -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 8:59:46 AM)

We don't know for sure that they lied to her. The person who told her that could have believed he was giving her correct information, and they may have found out when they got there that the rules were different than they had thought. He may have passed on faulty information, not realizing it was outdated.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 9:26:29 AM)

I would expect that a person that was misinformed and then realized it would have called and apoligized to me personally for the confusion. That would have also made feel better because then they would have shown concern, responsibility, and I would have been able to ask questions too set me at ease.



Consecrated2God -> RE: Overprotective... (6/12/2008 9:33:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae

I would expect that a person that was misinformed and then realized it would have called and apoligized to me personally for the confusion. That would have also made feel better because then they would have shown concern, responsibility, and I would have been able to ask questions too set me at ease.


I would have, because I tend to feel that I have lied even if I just told faulty information. I have a very sensitive conscience when it comes to honesty. However, if the person didn't realize that it was a big deal to the girl's mom, he might not have thought about it. Sometimes we tend to project our own feelings on other people. If a person was the kind that wouldn't be bothered not talking to their own kid for a week, they might not understand someone else being bothered by it.



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