RE: Casual dating (Full Version)

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Prairiehiker -> RE: Casual dating (6/12/2008 11:02:24 PM)

quote:

I agree with you MissInnocent. I have several male friends and if we go out to eat, shopping, to the movies, etc. together I do not call it a date because we have no intentions of going beyond friendship. I just call it hanging out with friends.


I'm the same. I have a few male friends that I hang out with and there's no misunderstanding because everyone knows it's just friendship. It's not casual dating. Dating implies a romantic relationship is intended.



1love1God1way -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 2:29:33 AM)

I think Christians tend to forget how to just have fun. . .



GregandJenny -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 11:13:58 AM)

quote:

I think Christians tend to forget how to just have fun. . .


That's spot on!



preserved -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 3:08:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

Some of the single men I spoke to in the church I attend seem to be of the mind that the term "dating" is largely misused. Some prefer to use "hanging out" to refer to going on outtings with the opposite sex to build friendships and "dating" to refer to a relationship where there's the potential for marriage. Regardless of what you call the relationship, the important thing is to be clear on what stage it's at.

A good friend of mine and I came up with a 3-Stage system and each stage has its own set of expectations and "non-expectations."

Stage 1 - Hanging out, just getting to know people of the opposite sex in a casual group setting.

Stage 2 - You're interested in a person in particular and you want to get to know that person better. You may still go out on casual outtings but you also communicate with each other over the phone and texting. There is no exclusive dating relationship yet but the palying field has certainly been narrowed.

Stage 3 - The dating relationship. You and said person are an item, you date exclusively with the idea of engagement and marriage in the future.

We came up with the system when this sister he was interested in was at Stage 2, wanted to keep it at a Stage 2, but started expecting things typical of Stage 3. He was fine with the relationship staying at Stage 2 so he understandably reacted when she started becoming possessive and putting Stage 3 type expectations on him. They got back on track after a couple of long talks with our pastor and the boundaries for each stage was clarified.

Hope this helps.


choirD..I actually like this concept..pretty clear...Also the word "Date" means different definations for different people..If I casually went out with someone I feel comfortable with no feelings nor committment...I would not call it dating...



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 3:15:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GregandJenny

quote:

I think Christians tend to forget how to just have fun. . .


That's spot on!


See this kind of thinking just ticks me off to no end! I KNOW how to have fun. I DO have fun. I think I can speak for the folks who have agreed with me in this thread (jump in folks and correct me if I'm wrong); just because one wants a spouse and does not want to be saddled with a relationship where the other person is not in hopes of the relationship leading to life long marriage does NOT make us ole sticks in the mud who don't know have to have fun! If I want fun and fun alone I have FRIENDS that I can have fun with (or alone even). But when I want romance added to the fun it's gonna be another issue.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 3:28:31 PM)

*sigh*

Christians do take things more seriously sometimes.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to hang out with your friends and not call it dating. I think the confusion comes in the different definitions of dating. What you call 'casual dating' is what I call 'hanging out'. Just last night my best guy friend came over and watched a movie with me and my youngest son. Were we on a date? According to your definition we were on a 'casual' date.

Each situation calls for different 'labels' as well. What works with one couple won't work with another. Some people are friends until the day they get married whereas some only interact with the opposite sex for courting purposes and that's it.

I on the other hand don't like to put myself in a box. I won't say, "Okay...our first date was casual, our second is courting." *shudders* What if your first date is a a complete disaster but you want to continue to get to know him all the same? Are you now courting? Why would you want to be courting with someone you hardly even know?

I'm a very 'go with the flow' kind of person when it comes to 'dating' but I have limitations and standards as well. It's what works best for each person, but either way doesn't make it right or wrong. Just different.

And for the record, I don't date for the sake of 'dating'. I am interested in getting married eventually...I just have more fun and meet new people in the meantime. [;)]



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 3:49:41 PM)

Tinkerbell, you're right it means different things to different people. I'm not the one that suggested you and your friend were on a casual date, for me that's hanging out.

I was however the one that said "our first date was casual, our second is courting."

To answer your question of: "What if your first date is a a complete disaster but you want to continue to get to know him all the same?" Well it would depend on why the date was a disaster. If it was circumstances beyond our control yet we were both still quite interested in each other then yes a 2nd date is valid. If I was annoyed by him, not interested in him or anything like that then I would not want to persue getting to know him.

"Are you now courting? Why would you want to be courting with someone you hardly even know?" Well I guess now it's time for me to give more labels and definitions. Courting for me would be us persuing each other to get to know each other and HOPEFULLY fall in love. As I already said I would not kiss a guy on the lips unless we knew it was serious and leading toward marriage. I am also the kind of person who does not believe in staying friends with someone you've been intimate with (kissing to me is intimate) sooo... if we realize we are not falling in love then we stop dating/courting and stay just friends (cause there will have been no intimacy). But hopefully we will fall in love and it will lead to kissing, engagement, life long marriage.

I probably just confused people as much as ChoirDJ did me when I first read about his 3 stages lol.

ETA: Again if folks can casually date without sinning (fornicating and while I don't know if it's technically "sin" or not I don't think making out all the time is good either) then fine and dandy.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 6:14:57 PM)

Okay MissInnocent...it looks like we confused each other so we're even now (lol). I'll have to go back to the drawing board with my dating chart and try again later.



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 6:43:24 PM)

Actually ChoirDJ, it made some sense after reading it a few times. I just don't think it's a formula I'd follow.



makarizo -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 6:47:45 PM)

..... means to me:
a lot of good communication, understanding, honesty, and accepting a person (her) for who they are, and not for who I would like them to be (or not be).

before a 'casual date' can happen, there better be an agreement that it is indeed a casual date.



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 6:59:22 PM)

"a lot of good communication, understanding, honesty, and accepting a person (her) for who they are, and not for who I would like them to be (or not be)." Shouldn't that be in ANY relationship? But I agree with you that there needs to be an understanding that it's only casual and that neither person is looking for love (if they aren't).



makarizo -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 7:21:48 PM)

Yes, that should be in any date, but "stating intentions" is nice, responsible, and respectable, it does not always happen, and one is left with false hopes, or misconceptions, or worse yet.... thinking something is there that really isn't there at all..... that is when the games - that all could have been avoided - occur.
in ignorance, and with the best of intentions.



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 7:25:19 PM)

That's exactly why I got very upset with folks on the other site telling me I would scare a man off by being forward with what I want. I mean it's a lot better for ME and possibly him as well if I make it known what I want in case he's not on the same page. So I was VERY confused by all the "oh no don't say that" attitude I was getting.



makarizo -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 7:33:26 PM)

if you scare a man off by being honest with him..... GOOD FOR YOU!!!
let him run!!!



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 7:54:13 PM)

^^^[sm=Llol.gif] Sounds good to me. Like I said sure there is the occasional slime ball that would stick around thinking "I can get her to change her mind and give it up" but I think MOST guys are more decent than that and God will protect me from the slime balls. [:)]



ChoirDJ -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 8:00:19 PM)

MissInnocent...I see nothing wrong with being up front about the reason you are dating. What some women (and men) do though is try to force the relationship at a faster pace than the other is willing to go and that could become a problem. I responded to a post a while back where this woman was literally upset that the person she was dating had not proposed to her in the two months they had known each other. She couldn't understand why the guy was starting to pull back when she "confronted him" about not proposing to her yet.

It doesn't take long to determine whether or not a person is a potential mate but building a solid relationship takes a serious investment of time. We need to go through some fires together and see how each other deals with adversities because that's part of the relationship building process. At the same time, I'm not a fan for long drawn out engagements. If (for some unimaginable reason) I'm still hesitant about proposing to someone after a reasonable amount of time then I thinks it's only fair to free that person up to pursue a relationship with someone else.



MissInnocent -> RE: Casual dating (6/13/2008 10:00:02 PM)

Yeah expecting an engagement in two months isn't the best bet (though it has worked out for some couples). But two years...yeah THEN I'd be getting upset.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 12:29:10 AM)

I didn't want to size someone up as marriage material - when I was a teen or even in my early twenties I just wanted to have a nice guy to do fun stuff with and to share good conversations/ establish friendship... in those early years I wasn't wanting to settle down as soon as I could because I enjoyed being single and not in a committed relationship. I was working a lot and taking care of my sick mom, not too many guys wanted to be around me then for very long and that was fine because it also protected me from a lot of "players"... taking care of my mom was a major responsibility and when a lot of guys found out I was doing that - they passed me over real quick! I even had guys ask me why don't I just leave my mom and let the state take care of her... they had no idea that kind of suggestion made me mark them off my list forever!



Cloak -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 7:07:02 PM)

I forgot to add: when you go out make sure you date publically and only meet and date OUTside. Refuse to meet indoors even if you're not attracted to the guy or you think he might not be attracted to you.

Blessings!



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 7:57:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloak

I forgot to add: when you go out make sure you date publically and only meet and date OUTside. Refuse to meet indoors even if you're not attracted to the guy or you think he might not be attracted to you.

Blessings!

Why?



Cloak -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 8:03:36 PM)

Because the unexpected might happen..... [sm=eek.gif]



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 8:10:16 PM)

I guess I'm confused. What "might happen"? I mean...we're talking about Christians dating Christians right?

Are we worried about going too far physically or what others might think?



Cloak -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 8:18:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_

I guess I'm confused. What "might happen"? I mean...we're talking about Christians dating Christians right?

Are we worried about going too far physically or what others might think?


Of course! Do not think bc you're dating someone Christian that he/she cannot be tempted. Christians are human beings. I used to be naive and think that if the guy is Christian he is beyond temptation or can resist them.

I even find that Christians are More vulnerable to these issues than others simply bc they have to abide by certain principles and rules whether they're dating or not.

For the record, many Christians have sexual intercourse while dating or engaged or before. Some repent, others don't even think of it as sinful. Churches are filled with folks like that.

As a conservative Christians, it is my job to point out to the poster here my values which is to be cautious and prudent rather than naive and idealistic and find her/himself in trouble; esp if he/she is a conservative Christian which I hope she/he is.



Cloak -> RE: Casual dating (6/14/2008 8:39:49 PM)

Tink & the poster: Get the book "Boundaries in dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It will open your eyes on so many things in dating scenarios. A real good resource for all singles anticipating to date sometime.



1love1God1way -> RE: Casual dating (6/15/2008 12:31:24 PM)

Goodness.

Now two Christians can't be in the same room together?

I think we have taken our fears to such an extreme level.

I stick with my stance. Christians forget how to have fun. We are too worried. Christians can't just date and enjoy each others company. . . they have to be planning for marriage. Ridiculous.



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