Help with my thinking.... (Full Version)

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sunshinesoprano -> Help with my thinking.... (6/11/2008 11:22:41 AM)

Hey, ladies. I need some perspective here on a few things.

I'm HORRIBLY self-conscious...always have been.

I spend most of my life wondering if people think I'm fat/ugly/unattractive/etc.

And because of that, I miss out on doing fun things. [:(]

I'm very nervous around men, even ones that I'm very close to and know are not a threat to me. [sm=icon_smile_cold.gif]

A friend asked me if I'd go to a singles group. I replied with a firm, "No," because I'd have a panic attack and pass out in the car before I'd get there.

Two of my friends now have pools. One friend I wouldn't think twice about going swimming with. Her husband wouldn't make me nervous at all.

The other is a different situation. I'm in ministry with these people and it just gives me anxiety thinking about it now! They know me better than just about anyone in this world and yet I'm horrified to think of swimming in the presence of my male friend.

One reason is that I think I look horrendous in a bathing suit. Where I've lost weight my legs are cottage cheesey and it doesn't help that my legs are just large anyway. The musle tone is there, but the cottage cheese left from the weight loss is all I see.

The other reason is one I just can't figure out.

1). Why am I so scared around men? Case in point, a gentleman at my church came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and I screamed! He meant no harm and is always very nice and kind to me. But it totally freaks me out!!!![sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]

2). Why am I scared to swim with my friend and his wife? I can't figure if it's because I think he'll think I'm gross, or that I'm ugly, or that he may see me in a less-than-pure-angelic-wholesome-virginal light?

3). Why can't I just live my life without being afraid someone will look at my nasty thighs or thinking I'm ugly/fat/unworthy, etc.? I haven't been swimming since 1999 because I was too ashamed. I know that I NEED to, but I can't fix my brain.

Help....



manda59 -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/11/2008 11:55:14 AM)

First of all, could I just say that most people are far more obsessed with how they look, than how someone else looks.

quote:


I spend most of my life wondering if people think I'm fat/ugly/unattractive/etc.


Does that matter to you more, less or about the same as whether they think you're an upright, honest, decent etc person?

quote:


A friend asked me if I'd go to a singles group. I replied with a firm, "No," because I'd have a panic attack and pass out in the car before I'd get there.


How long ago was the last time that happened?

quote:


Two of my friends now have pools. One friend I wouldn't think twice about going swimming with. Her husband wouldn't make me nervous at all.


It's not other people that make us nervous, it comes from within us, when we believe our own irrational thoughts.

quote:


One reason is that I think I look horrendous in a bathing suit. Where I've lost weight my legs are cottage cheesey and it doesn't help that my legs are just large anyway. The musle tone is there, but the cottage cheese left from the weight loss is all I see.


Aren't you doing your friends a disservice if you think they'd be that interested/bothered by your legs? What are their legs like by the way?

quote:


1). Why am I so scared around men? Case in point, a gentleman at my church came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and I screamed! He meant no harm and is always very nice and kind to me. But it totally freaks me out!!!![sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]


It would freak me out too if I didn't know who it was. And it would apply to women as well as men. I just don't like people touching my in any way if I haven't initiated the contact, or if they haven't asked me if it's ok.

quote:


2). Why am I scared to swim with my friend and his wife? I can't figure if it's because I think he'll think I'm gross, or that I'm ugly, or that he may see me in a less-than-pure-angelic-wholesome-virginal light?


If he is married, why does it matter what he thinks of your physical appearance anyway - unless of course you have secret feelings for him......

quote:


3). Why can't I just live my life without being afraid someone will look at my nasty thighs or thinking I'm ugly/fat/unworthy, etc.? I haven't been swimming since 1999 because I was too ashamed. I know that I NEED to, but I can't fix my brain.


What happened in 1999?

By the way, in the interim you could always buy yourself a bathing costume that covers more of you than a normal one. My dd, who is 14 and not overweight, but likes to be modest, swims in board shorts (down to just above the knee) and a t-shirt.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/11/2008 12:07:31 PM)

Manda,
Thanks for the reply.....

To address your questions...

No, it doesn't matter to me more than what they think of me as a person. But I've spent my entire life worrying about how I looked. It was always an issue to my family, to my friends. I always felt awkward and unattractive.

The last time it happened? Never, but I can just about promise it would.

I understand that it's our own thoughts that make us nervous...but why do they make us nervous? Why can't I get control over them?

I know, my friends won't care about my yucky legs...or huge butt...or anything else. They love me and I guess it wouldn't even cross their minds. They're really in great shape and they know how I struggle and I guess I just wouldn't want to feel inadequate.

But I'm always jumping, even when I know who is touching me! It's taken me 5 years to get used to my friend mentioned above when he pokes at me!!!

I don't have any secret feelings for said friend....and it really doesn't matter what he thinks of my appearance. I guess I'm just afraid that he'd see me differently for some reason. I don't know.

In 1999...that was my senior trip. After that, the group I'd been playing keys for fired me unjustly, mostly because they were a bunch of rednecks who didn't get what it was all about, and I gained about 30 pounds out of depression I could never get back off.

I became socially pretty withdrawn and what my Mom calls "prudish." She says I'd wear a burka if I could!



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 12:05:33 PM)

Perhpas I put this in the wrong forum....

It appears if you're not talking about bodily functions or babies, no one wants to help....[>:]



Karaboo2 -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 12:44:16 PM)

Sunshine,

Have you ever considered seeking counselling or some type of psychotherapy to work through some of your issues? I see you're in Georgia ... I'm not from the US, I'm in SW Ontario, Canada ... but even in my small town there are a handful of Christian counsellors.

I know that a lot of women struggle with their appearance, and their perception on how others view them ... but when it gets to a point where it seriously affects your quality of life, it is time to reach out to others (which I know you are attempting to do here, but you need to do it IRL as well)

And regarding your comment about posting in the wrong forum, and no one wanting to help .... not everyone is able to get online to read the forums when they are posted ... and by the time people get through reading their subscribed threads -- a good chunk of time may have passed. Just give it some time ... people may also be trying to figure out what reply to give you, that could be helpful in your situation.



SweetLittleErin -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 5:17:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano

Perhpas I put this in the wrong forum....

It appears if you're not talking about bodily functions or babies, no one wants to help....[>:]


I would like to say that at the time I am posting this 80+ people have viewed your thread. Maybe folks are like me, they can empathize to a level (I too have anxiety around people and oftentimes-okay most of the time-feel fat/unworthy/ugly) and just dont know what advice to give. I've read your post a couple of times, my heart goes out to you, I can relate. But honestly, I dont know what to tell you to 'fix' it because I'd be in a better place if I knew the answer to that. ((hugs)) and prayers.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 6:11:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetLittleErin

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano

Perhpas I put this in the wrong forum....

It appears if you're not talking about bodily functions or babies, no one wants to help....[>:]


I would like to say that at the time I am posting this 80+ people have viewed your thread. Maybe folks are like me, they can empathize to a level (I too have anxiety around people and oftentimes-okay most of the time-feel fat/unworthy/ugly) and just dont know what advice to give. I've read your post a couple of times, my heart goes out to you, I can relate. But honestly, I dont know what to tell you to 'fix' it because I'd be in a better place if I knew the answer to that. ((hugs)) and prayers.


^Ditto....sorry I don't have any advice/pat answers....just prayers and a shoulder here.



manda59 -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 6:26:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano
No, it doesn't matter to me more than what they think of me as a person. But I've spent my entire life worrying about how I looked. It was always an issue to my family, to my friends. I always felt awkward and unattractive.


You say your "whole life". At what age can you first remember feeling like that?

quote:


The last time it happened? Never, but I can just about promise it would.


What makes you think you can "just about promise it would"? I've never known a panic attack result in someone passing out.

quote:


I understand that it's our own thoughts that make us nervous...but why do they make us nervous? Why can't I get control over them?


What makes us nervous is us *believing* the irrational beliefs that pop up in our heads. Often it's because the first time they came into our heads we were extremely vulnerable (often children).
It's likely that at some time in your early life you believed lies about yourself - maybe you were called names, picked on, made to feel insecure by the comments of a peer of adult about yourself, or made to feel insecure generally by the comments of a peer or adult about themselves.

quote:


I know, my friends won't care about my yucky legs...or huge butt...or anything else. They love me and I guess it wouldn't even cross their minds. They're really in great shape and they know how I struggle and I guess I just wouldn't want to feel inadequate.


You know, there are cultures in the world where larger ladies are preferred - it's skinny women who have a hard time.

quote:


In 1999...that was my senior trip. After that, the group I'd been playing keys for fired me unjustly, mostly because they were a bunch of rednecks who didn't get what it was all about, and I gained about 30 pounds out of depression I could never get back off.


What's a "senior trip"? (sorry! remember I am from the UK ....... )
Do you want to tell us a bit more about what happened?



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 7:50:08 PM)

Manda, in the U.S., the School system is Kindergarten -12th grade (whether in public or private school), K-6 is usually elementary, 7th and 8th is jr. high, and 9th-12th is high school, and grades 9-12 are called Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior. Although, in some places, K-5 is elementary, and 6th-8th is middle school. Some schools have K-8 all on one campus, it just depends. Anyway, 12th grade is the senior year, and often the senior class of a school goes on a celebratory trip, and it is called a senior trip. When my older sister graduated, we lived in the Los Angeles area (Southern California), and her senior trip was a day trip to Sacremento, our state's capitol, or did she go to San Francisco? I can't remember now. Anyway, she went to one of the two, just for one day, and some senior classes go on overnight trips. Remember Natalee Halloway that went missing in Aruba? She was on her senior trip.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 7:55:14 PM)

quote:


By the way, in the interim you could always buy yourself a bathing costume that covers more of you than a normal one. My dd, who is 14 and not overweight, but likes to be modest, swims in board shorts (down to just above the knee) and a t-shirt.

_______________



I do this as well, and would even if I was skinny.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/12/2008 7:59:18 PM)

(((((((((SunshineSoprano))))))))))))

I know how you feel. I can't get into too much detail right now, because I need to call my friend A, and also get some other things done, and while I DO sympathize with you, and don't want to come across as trite or callous, I will encourage with one of the best pieces of advice I ever heard. This is it: Don't worry about what people are thinking of you, they are too busy thinking of themselves to notice.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/14/2008 7:34:32 PM)

quote:

I spend most of my life wondering if people think I'm fat/ugly/unattractive/etc.


First of all, know that no matter what, you are made in GOD's image, even if you don't fit into someone else's standards of what is just right, and you are made for his own glory.

As far as weight, I don't want to sound insensitive, but there are two solutions to that. The immediate one is to go to a professional fashion person, or to a friend who is good at fashion, and have them help you see what clothes are most flattering to you. The more long term solution is that you can work on eating less and exercising more.

As far as feeling attractive, you can talk to a hairdresser and/or beautician about what hairstyle and makeup colors are best for you. I listen to my hairdresser a lot, and instead of just going in there and telling her exactly what I want, I really take her input regarding what she thinks is best for me. After all she is the professional.

And keep in mind, attractiveness is quite subjective. Different people have different tastes.

And the most important thing to worry about is to glorify God each day. One of the best cures for worrying about ourselves, is to reach out to someone else.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/14/2008 7:37:50 PM)

quote:


2). Why am I scared to swim with my friend and his wife? I can't figure if it's because I think he'll think I'm gross, or that I'm ugly, or that he may see me in a less-than-pure-angelic-wholesome-virginal light?


The way I have heard some men talk to their wives about other women behind their backs, I actually don't fault you for this one.

At a get together like this, it is not wrong to enjoy the fellowship and looking at the pool and forego the actual swimming. After all a women on "her time" that didn't want to wear a tampon would have to forego the swimming as well.

And if you just want to go swimming, ask the wives if you can go swim sometime when their husbands aren't home.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/16/2008 7:31:49 AM)

Thanks for the replies, ladies.

Manda, to address your questions:

My senior trip was an 8-day long outdoor trip filled with bugs, sunburns, and twisted ankles...and lots of crying!

My whole life refers to Kindergarten forward, so from 5 beyond.

Yes, kids made fun of me. I was always bigger than the rest of them. I had ghastly glasses, which was almost unheard of in those days, terrible teeth, and short hair...no one had short hair in my school.

I heard my family make fun of my mom because she always had a big butt.

Perhaps my perception of myself is far worse than reality. I know I'm not that horrible. I have a thick bone structure, as does everyone else in my family.

One of his jewels:

Thanks for your words, too. I don't think that my friend would say anything negative. They've seen me in shorts (rarely, though) and he's just not the kind of guy that would do that. He knows my issues better than I do, I think. We share a birthday and I think we share a brain. We're very close. It's just what MY MIND thinks will happen that is the problem.

As for my appearance: my hair does what it wishes. It's naturally curly and I do with it what my hairdresser can. My makeup is fine and I dress conservatively, the way I like to dress, and while it may not be fashionable, it suits me and my prudish personality, I suppose.

As for my weight, it's not quite fair to always assume that just because someone struggles with their weight that they don't watch what they eat and exercise. I eat very little compared to most skinny folks I know and I work out at least 3 times per week.

That is something that frustrates me to no end...the perception that just because someone struggles that they're lazy and don't care. [:@]

I don't suppose there actually is s solution for this other than to just get over it.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/16/2008 8:18:34 PM)

quote:


As for my appearance: my hair does what it wishes. It's naturally curly and I do with it what my hairdresser can. My makeup is fine and I dress conservatively, the way I like to dress, and while it may not be fashionable, it suits me and my prudish personality, I suppose.


Well, I have naturally curly hair myself, so I can understand that (it's flat ironed in the avatar); I usually either have mine flat ironed or if it is curly I have different hair products I use. I'm sure you do too, but if you don't already, you could talk to your hairdresser about some if you wanted. Sometimes I use a glaze, and sometimes I use a curl creme that leaves hair less stiff than gel, and I use leave in conditioners, although right now, sadly, I'm using cheap gel, because I am on a VERY tight budget at the moment. It's usually short too, but it's long in the avatar because I was growing it out for locks of love that year. It sounds like you have done the best you can with all the rest, so more kudos to you.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/16/2008 8:27:14 PM)

quote:

As for my weight, it's not quite fair to always assume that just because someone struggles with their weight that they don't watch what they eat and exercise. I eat very little compared to most skinny folks I know and I work out at least 3 times per week.


OK, I NEVER said you didn't do that, it was just a suggestion I made, something I have been working on myself. I've also been trying to cut out white flour and white sugar, and eat lots of fibre, and I've been trying to go the gym EVERY day, and get at least an hour of cardio..although in the last couple of months, I admit I have slacked off on all of that, so even just from writing this post, I am now getting myself motivated to get back on track. Believe me, I was in no way trying to throw stones. I needed to lose 62 lbs., then I got down to where I needed to lose 40, but I recently gained 5 lbs., so now I need to lose 45.

For a while, I was keeping a notebook of everything I ate, and having my trainer read it. That helped a lot, but now I don't work with a trainer ($), but maybe I should start journaling again anyway.

Also, you might want to talk to a nutritionist, because they have found that different people's bodies react differently to different foods, and to different combinations of foods, and many people have some food allergies they don't even know about. So, you might be helped in that area. And I can't afford it right now, but I was working with a trainer for a while, and that did wonders. I know you said you didn't make much money, but maybe you could do something on the side for a little while just to make just enough money to work with a trainer. Also, you might want to get a full physical exam. It sounds to me like you may have PCOS, or some other disorder that makes losing weight difficult.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/16/2008 8:31:23 PM)

quote:

That is something that frustrates me to no end...the perception that just because someone struggles that they're lazy and don't care.


Ok, if you will look at my posts, I NEVER said that, nor did I even think it. In fact, I almost didn't write what I did for fear you would think that's what I thought, although it is NOT what I thought.

I also want to encourage you that NOT ALL men like skin and bones women. Some do, but some like some curves. Again, I also want to encourage you that you are made in God's image, for his glory, and beautiful in his sight, no matter what man has said or done.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/16/2008 9:26:32 PM)

quote:

I had ghastly glasses, which was almost unheard of in those days, terrible teeth, and short hair...no one had short hair in my school.



Other than being blessed with good teeth, I had all of these problems, too. I would not have minded wearing glasses, except that my dad didn't let me pick out my own frames, and I did NOT like the frames he picked. I'm not quite sure why you are implying glasses were unheard of in those days, though, less people had contacts when we were kids, esp. if they were kids, than now, and every generation has some percentage of kids that need glasses and/or have vision problems.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 7:42:20 AM)

One of His Jewels:

Thanks for the clarification. I know you mean well.

I'm sure you know that people tend to be sensitive about weight when it's a sore spot for them. It's easy for the written word to be misinterpreted. I think sometimes unless advice on losing weight is asked for, it's often viewed as judgmental and unwelcome. I wasn't asking for weight loss advice, and so it seemed a little out of place. I apologize for reading your post the wrong way.

I style my hair the best I can based on how my hairdresser does it. I keep it very controlled and let it wave naturally. I refuse to flatiron. God gave me curly hair so I think He wants me to have it.

I never said that I don't make much money. Not sure where that came from. I'm not wealthy, but I'm not impoverished, either. That's okay, tho. Doesn't matter at all.

I do have PCOS and possible hypoglycemia and a thyroid condition, both of which will be tested this coming Thursday.

I'm not grossly obese by any account. Just a larger-framed person.

I think what I was looking for was how to view myself better...how to change the warped perception of myself that I have.....



pumpkin -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 10:54:56 AM)

here's something that I have heard works for some people. I still struggle with my own image, but I've not really tried this all that much.

Fake it. Fake that you like yourself. Correct yourself when you put yourself down, and find something positive to say instead. Look for things you do like about yourself, focus on those things. The thought is that you will retrain your brain to find good things, and focus on those things.

As to why men scare you, I would guess that you have some thing in your past that it stems from... or just a complete lack of having dealt with men, and so you don't know how to handle them in general.

I struggled with thinking that just about all men were a certain way, and it took my husband patiently talking to me, and being completely honest with me (prior to when we even dated) to get me to see that not all men were the same way, and I was painting them all with the same brush, when they shouldn't have been.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 10:59:12 AM)

quote:

I style my hair the best I can based on how my hairdresser does it. I keep it very controlled and let it wave naturally. I refuse to flatiron. God gave me curly hair so I think He wants me to have it.



GOOD FOR YOU!![sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif]

That right there shows confidence!!!



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 11:00:57 AM)

quote:

I never said that I don't make much money. Not sure where that came from.



You said it in the singles folder once.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 11:03:08 AM)

quote:


I'm not grossly obese by any account.


I never thought you were. It just seemed like you were communicating weight was a big issue for you mentally, so I was just trying to address it to some extent, but perhaps I went in the wrong direction.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 11:11:29 AM)

quote:


I think what I was looking for was how to view myself better...how to change the warped perception of myself that I have.....



And THAT'S why I encouraged you that you are made in God's image, and for his glory, and precious in His sight, no matter what..and you may not be beautiful to one man, but you will be gorgeous to another. Again, not all men have the same opinions tastes.

I also want to encourage you that in 7th grade, and in my 2rd year of 4 yr. college, I went through some severe acne problems, and in the years in between struggled off and on. Those days finally seem to be behind me (except a very mild breakout now and then, but I can deal with that compared to before), but it was misery at the time. But I see now that God has used that to help me not just think someone else just isn't washing their face or something, and to have compassion for others. I've struggled with lots of appearance issues too, including having a beautiful older sister who people often compared me negatively to, so that was hard. But I realize now that God uses all our trials to shape our character. I doubt you would ever be mean or hurt someone now, after what you have gone through.



manda59 -> RE: Help with my thinking.... (6/17/2008 11:36:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano
I think what I was looking for was how to view myself better...how to change the warped perception of myself that I have.....



You know, I recall you posting about your mother before, but not your father. What was/is your relationship like with your father?



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