RE: She's doing it again...

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savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/3/2008 11:09:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: preserved I too also think it is time for someone to leave the house...that is the only way you are going to get any peace..sad Believe me, this is not the first time I have heard this sound advice, and I agree wholeheartedly, but it's just not that simple. I cannot just "move out". First and foremost, it's financially impossible. I have lousy credit, no one in my family would co-sign anything for me (nothing against me personally, they just don't do money + family issues with anyone, which is pretty smart, IMHO), and even when I was working, I wasn't making enough to save for a place I could afford on my own--have I mentioned I live in Central NJ? Has anyone priced living spaces in this area lately?? And then I get people telling me to "go back to work"--doing what?? There are no jobs in my area for what I went back to school for, and those "menial" jobs (that I wouldn't mind doing in a heartbeat) #1 don't pay enough to live on, especially alone, and #2 have actually turned me down for being "over-qualified"--I never understood that concept until it happened to me! [8\|] They say something like, "Well, you have a college degree, you are able to get a better job than this, and we really want to hire someone not as advantaged as yourself." So what, I went back to school to get my degree to be even MORE un-employable? I can't win. [:'(]

IonMoon -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 8:40:08 AM)
I just deleted a paragraph. Saved if you want some advice about your job situation, feel free to PM me to get my opinion, but I won't type it here because... I think this thread is getting to the "unwelcome advice" stage. Saved did not ask for advice about her job situation... She asked for advice about dealing with her mom. I do agree the best thing for your relationship with mom would be to move out. Ther is always a way to make that happen- not always a way to do it comfortably, but if you really wanted to you could do it. Now... I say this because I think you are feeling stuck and that is why you feel so touchy about your mom. If you choose to stay with mom, you need to recognize that this is your choice. That is what really helped me deal with some living situations in my life. Once I realized I had a choice, I was able to acknowledge that while certain aspects of the situation annoyed me... I was dealing with them because of my choices & that I could escape them by making a different choice (which would have its own annoyances!). The first and most important thing in dealing with difficult people is understanding that you cannot control their actions (and are almost always not responsible for them)-- you can only control your responses. When someone says something to/about me, the forst thing I do is analyze, as objectively as possible, are they right? If so, I do what I can to fix the situation. If they are wrong? I shrug it off. Because no matter how many times my mil insists that the sky is green... I can still see that it is blue. Her saying it doesn't change it! I am comfortable letting her believe whatever she wants. Everyone has the right to be wrong. Tara P

woodsandfield -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 10:39:54 AM)
Yikes, savedbylove, living with an abusive mother! I would avoid her, if she's in a room, leave it, try to avoid her whenever possible. Let her stew in her own juices. Speak brief answers to her if she does talk to you, she's playing mind games and you don't want to play. Try to make yourself not there, go shopping; window shopping if no money can be spared , close and lock the door and read the Bible and pray, go to the library, you know, stay away. Give yourself permission to be away from the abuse. ~~~~ I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans with hope and a future. ~~~~ quote: ORIGINAL: savedbylove112 ...here we go again, another gripe about my Mom. I'm sorry, but I'm serious, this is the ONLY place I can come to to vent about her. So today's her day off, and I'm still outta work. [:(] I wake up and see her in the kitchen getting herself coffee like she always does. I say, "Good morning." and she says, "Hello"--in that tone of voice that tells me she's upset about something. And when I say "upset", I mean "angry". So I ask, "What's wrong?" And of course, she says, "Nothing"--you all know the tone of voice THAT came in. [8\|] So I tell her-- "Your tone of voice tells me there IS something. Is it something I did?" and she's like, "You tell me." [8D] Not having the gift of prophecy and silently praying for wisdom, I ask for details, and she says, "It's probably not worth mentioning anyway." and stomps off. [8\|] I know we're supposed to pursue peace, and to live peaceably with all men (and I know this includes Moms) as much as it depends on us, but I also don't like catering to Mom's little head games. So I'm just going to go about my usual day and not pursue it. I feel like if I pursue it, it gives her an ego boost, that she's got me on this little mental string and she's keeping me hanging until such time as SHE sees fit to let me in on the secret. I choose not to hang. If she wants to stew in her own juices and not tell me how I can fix things (if they even need fixing), that's her deal, not mine. Comments? Advice? Am I doing the right thing, or should I go after whatever the issue is and try to resolve it? Thanks yet again! [:)]

Kat_D -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 11:03:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: savedbylove112 quote: ORIGINAL: preserved I too also think it is time for someone to leave the house...that is the only way you are going to get any peace..sad Believe me, this is not the first time I have heard this sound advice, and I agree wholeheartedly, but it's just not that simple. I cannot just "move out". First and foremost, it's financially impossible. I have lousy credit, no one in my family would co-sign anything for me (nothing against me personally, they just don't do money + family issues with anyone, which is pretty smart, IMHO), and even when I was working, I wasn't making enough to save for a place I could afford on my own--have I mentioned I live in Central NJ? Has anyone priced living spaces in this area lately?? And then I get people telling me to "go back to work"--doing what?? There are no jobs in my area for what I went back to school for, and those "menial" jobs (that I wouldn't mind doing in a heartbeat) #1 don't pay enough to live on, especially alone, and #2 have actually turned me down for being "over-qualified"--I never understood that concept until it happened to me! [8\|] They say something like, "Well, you have a college degree, you are able to get a better job than this, and we really want to hire someone not as advantaged as yourself." So what, I went back to school to get my degree to be even MORE un-employable? I can't win. [:'(] It IS possible. Get a small studio apartment or get a roommate to share expenses with to start. I live in So. California and if people can find a way to be independent here with limited income, it is also possible in Jersey. You have to start somewhere, otherwise you will remain stuck in a living situation that makes you angry and resentful. Also, as long as your mother feels you can't leave, she is going to continue to do the things she does because she knows there's nothing you can do about it! Pray to God and He will make a way.

creationtalk -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 11:22:10 AM)
quote: First and foremost, it's financially impossible. As long as you believe this, then yes it will be financially impossible. If you really want to move out, then you will find a way to make it happen. Agree with Rainbowtvp that staying is a *choice* you are making, and as with any choice, there are consequences to accept as a result of those choices. If Jersey has no jobs and is too expensive, why don't you look for a job elsewhere? I traveled 1500 miles for my last job...to a place where I had not friends and I lived in a tiny room with no windows...with utilities controlled by the owner of the home (when they went on vacation for a week--in the summer in Mississippi--they turned off the A/C. It got REALLY hot in that place.)...while I was getting established. As far as getting a menial job because you have a college degree? I have worked in pizza delivery with a master's degree. If you apply for such a job and they say why do you want this job, you have a degree...you can always reply "yes, I would like to work in my degree field, but right now I need a job. I cannot guarantee that I will be working here a year from now, but neither can any other person. I can tell you that if I am offered another position I will give you notice and time to find a replacement. " In other words, find a way to make your degree an asset instead of a hindrance. What about starting your own company doing housecleaning or childcare or some other thing you could do well?

woodsandfield -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 11:52:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rainbowtvp I think this thread is getting to the "unwelcome advice" stage. Saved did not ask for advice about her job situation... She asked for advice about dealing with her mom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [:D][:D] the " unwelcome advice " stage sometimes comes in the beginning and then sprinkled thru out comes the welcomed advice. DUH...moving out is the best answer and works most of the time with any problem. Bad boss? leave the job and get another Bad neighbors? sell house and move Bad friends? drop them like dirty laundry Sometimes in life we can't just get out like we'd want to~~~~

Kat_D -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 11:57:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: woodsandfield quote: ORIGINAL: rainbowtvp I think this thread is getting to the "unwelcome advice" stage. Saved did not ask for advice about her job situation... She asked for advice about dealing with her mom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [:D][:D] the " unwelcome advice " stage sometimes comes in the beginning and then sprinkled thru out comes the welcomed advice. DUH...moving out is the best answer and works most of the time with any problem. Bad boss? leave the job and get another Bad neighbors? sell house and move Bad friends? drop them like dirty laundry Sometimes in life we can't just get out like we'd want to~~~~ [sm=sadquestion.gif]

woodsandfield -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 12:24:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kat_D quote: ORIGINAL: woodsandfield quote: ORIGINAL: rainbowtvp I think this thread is getting to the "unwelcome advice" stage. Saved did not ask for advice about her job situation... She asked for advice about dealing with her mom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [:D][:D] the " unwelcome advice " stage sometimes comes in the beginning and then sprinkled thru out comes the welcomed advice. DUH...moving out is the best answer and works most of the time with any problem. Bad boss? leave the job and get another Bad neighbors? sell house and move Bad friends? drop them like dirty laundry Sometimes in life we can't just get out like we'd want to~~~~ [sm=sadquestion.gif] Explain myself? Here's what I meant: yes, you are absolutely 100% right; moving out and moving away ( the more miles the better ) from the abuser is always best and it always works in every situtation; bad boss, neighbors,etc. Getting to heck out always works, but unfortunately in life, sometimes moving is not an immediate option. Fight or flight...flight is always better and less messy. I had to laugh at the " unwanted advice stage " thing cause in my thread I got a great deal of unwanted unhelpful advice right off the bat and when I moved to this forum, I got good advice. It just struck me funny. Hope I explained myself .

savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/4/2008 11:33:33 PM)
Thanks for understanding, woodsandfield. And I'm sorry to the others, but she's right--it's not always so easy to just LEAVE a situation like one would leave a bad movie. I've been here over 10 years, and there's a LOT more involved in my living situation than just the money, I think. Believe me, if, when my husband took off back in 1997, it was just ME I had to worry about, I might have stuck it out in that one-bedroom cracker-box by myself, or maybe moved back home to mom soley for the emotional strength I needed when he tried to come back--and I can only have nightmares about what my life would be like TODAY had I taken him back, back then. But the main reason I moved home to Mom was for my daughter's sake--she was only 7, the loss of her dad was bad enough, and I didn't want to stick her in daycare full-time while I worked 2 or 3 jobs just so I could stay "independent". I felt it was in my daughter's best interest to be in a home where she could feel safe, loved, and secure, and "Nanny's place" was the best option available. A lot has happened in the past 11 years, including my Mom surviving 2 bouts of cancer and possibly embarking on a 3rd, and for all the aggravation she gives me, she keeps telling me (and others) that she couldn't have made it through any of it if I wasn't here to help her out. After all she's done for me since taking us back in, I felt it was the least I could do. But we are both human, and I know I don't walk on water, either, but my main issue with Mom is that, whenever she gets abusive, angry, unreasonable, or just plain nuts, she doesn't recognize it as HER problem. Everyone else is wrong, and she's right--especially where I'm concerned. I am convinced that, for all her love for me, she does not respect me as an adult, and even if I were to move out tomorrow and be totally independent, she still wouldn't--if anything, she would see my moving out as a betrayal of "all she's done for me." As someone else astutely pointed out, Mom's biggest fear is of being alone. When I moved out and she was by herself in this house, she rushed into a series of bad relationships before settling on a guy she would be with for almost 20 years. But when I had to move back home with my daughter, she began to see his "down sides", and when he made her chose between him and us, she had no problem telling him to hit the high road. And as long as we've been here, she says she has no need of a man in her life. But I fear that may change if we leave. She's even said, if I move out, or Rachel moves out and takes me with her, Mom's coming along. Even if the LORD sends my "Prince Charming" to "take me away from all this," she has every intention of moving in with us. To her, this is a given--it's not even up for debate. So you see, it kinda goes both ways. I kinda feel obligated to Mom, for fear she'll do something stupid like get into another bad relationship--but as much as I love her and am grateful to her, I just can't bring myself to like her enough to want to be around her as much as she wants. And when she get abusive and angry, it's all I can do to not shout back--but I always say, I don't like to do something drastic unless I'm sure it will make a positive difference, and I know standing up for myself to her will only alienate me to her--she's quick to get on the defensive, and rather than do a double-take and re-check herself, she's quick to say that I'm "rebelling" against her--going back to that whole "Mother-worship" thing she has in her head--she's my mom, so (according to her) in my mind, she can do know wrong, and I must bend over backwards to "honor" her. Told you it was complicated. [:)]

IonMoon -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/5/2008 8:43:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: savedbylove112 So you see, it kinda goes both ways. I kinda feel obligated to Mom, for fear she'll do something stupid like get into another bad relationship--but as much as I love her and am grateful to her, I just can't bring myself to like her enough to want to be around her as much as she wants. You are not responsible for anyone else's choices/behaviors. Tara P

Kat_D -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/5/2008 9:52:08 AM)
quote: Told you it was complicated. It doesn't have to be complicated. You and your mother have developed an unhealthy dependence on each other and that has made it complicated. You are both holding each other bondage to your individual fears. She holds you in bondage because you fear that if you leave she will make disastrous choices and you hold her in bondage because she fears being alone. Both of you have been forced into a living situation that neither of you really likes or wants. Consequently you both have anger and resentment towards each other. You cannot make your Mother change, but your behavior and responses to her behaviors can. Unless you make those changes, you will continue to come here to vent about how terrible she is and there will never be peace. Isn't that getting old?

deermousie -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/5/2008 10:28:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: savedbylove112 I have lousy credit, no one in my family would co-sign anything for me I meant to address this earlier and got caught up in other things. But let me say something about going into debt now: if you don't have enough money so that you need to borrow, you will not have enough money to pay a debt plus interest back. Take it from me, who borrowed some money 20 years ago and just finished paying it back last month while paying thousands of dollars in interest and never being able to do hardly anything because the debt had to be paid back monthly before clothes, toiletries, vacations and things for the kid. Borrowing money puts the bank's hand in your wallet and they get first dibs on whatever money you have, whether you can afford it or not. Please, do not go into debt - it's unbiblical ("own no man anything but love") and it will suck you dry.

Sadey -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/5/2008 11:49:14 AM)
I think some couseling for you would really help you to break free from this dance you are doing with your mom. I'm sure she feels entitled because after all she gave up a husband and marriage of 20 years for you. So now she probably feels you owe her big time. Do you feel guilt about that? Why did it get so far that he told her she had to chose between the two of you? Joyce Meyers talked about this kind of situation and said "you just keep walking around the same old mountain, over and over again." Her point was that there was a way to break free. I'm sure you can't see anyway out for you or your mom but there is always a way. Don't discount the cancer either. Its surely taken its toll on your mom. Hope you can find some piece with all of this and can find your anwers.

woodsandfield -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/5/2008 3:09:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: preserved savedbylove112, When you notice her tone...just tuned it out... The unemployment issue...sorry We who are working and paying taxes for those who feels making more money from umemployment is better off. You used the words if you got another job it would intere with your unemployment....Guess what for those reasons and those reasons you will remain on umemployement until you are forced to seek employment. There's a misconception that unemployment benefits are welfare. I once had a loony neighbor that thought that. Unemployment benefits are paid for by the unemployed person and the former employer, not the general public.

woodsandfield -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/5/2008 3:24:19 PM)
savedbylove, Do you have health insurance, cause you would benefit from talking to someone about her, and even a free source ; a pastor. Also, I went to a prayer meeting and got a answer to a sizable problem. What was the problem? A good job-got it, thanks to God!!!! The minister was free and helped us, course we prayed first but the minister was a gem. Not everyone or every time things will work out but you do need some extra help on this since it's really effecting your life big time! quote: ORIGINAL: savedbylove112 Thanks for understanding, woodsandfield. And I'm sorry to the others, but she's right--it's not always so easy to just LEAVE a situation like one would leave a bad movie. I've been here over 10 years, and there's a LOT more involved in my living situation than just the money, I think. Believe me, if, when my husband took off back in 1997, it was just ME I had to worry about, I might have stuck it out in that one-bedroom cracker-box by myself, or maybe moved back home to mom soley for the emotional strength I needed when he tried to come back--and I can only have nightmares about what my life would be like TODAY had I taken him back, back then. But the main reason I moved home to Mom was for my daughter's sake--she was only 7, the loss of her dad was bad enough, and I didn't want to stick her in daycare full-time while I worked 2 or 3 jobs just so I could stay "independent". I felt it was in my daughter's best interest to be in a home where she could feel safe, loved, and secure, and "Nanny's place" was the best option available. A lot has happened in the past 11 years, including my Mom surviving 2 bouts of cancer and possibly embarking on a 3rd, and for all the aggravation she gives me, she keeps telling me (and others) that she couldn't have made it through any of it if I wasn't here to help her out. After all she's done for me since taking us back in, I felt it was the least I could do. But we are both human, and I know I don't walk on water, either, but my main issue with Mom is that, whenever she gets abusive, angry, unreasonable, or just plain nuts, she doesn't recognize it as HER problem. Everyone else is wrong, and she's right--especially where I'm concerned. I am convinced that, for all her love for me, she does not respect me as an adult, and even if I were to move out tomorrow and be totally independent, she still wouldn't--if anything, she would see my moving out as a betrayal of "all she's done for me." As someone else astutely pointed out, Mom's biggest fear is of being alone. When I moved out and she was by herself in this house, she rushed into a series of bad relationships before settling on a guy she would be with for almost 20 years. But when I had to move back home with my daughter, she began to see his "down sides", and when he made her chose between him and us, she had no problem telling him to hit the high road. And as long as we've been here, she says she has no need of a man in her life. But I fear that may change if we leave. She's even said, if I move out, or Rachel moves out and takes me with her, Mom's coming along. Even if the LORD sends my "Prince Charming" to "take me away from all this," she has every intention of moving in with us. To her, this is a given--it's not even up for debate. So you see, it kinda goes both ways. I kinda feel obligated to Mom, for fear she'll do something stupid like get into another bad relationship--but as much as I love her and am grateful to her, I just can't bring myself to like her enough to want to be around her as much as she wants. And when she get abusive and angry, it's all I can do to not shout back--but I always say, I don't like to do something drastic unless I'm sure it will make a positive difference, and I know standing up for myself to her will only alienate me to her--she's quick to get on the defensive, and rather than do a double-take and re-check herself, she's quick to say that I'm "rebelling" against her--going back to that whole "Mother-worship" thing she has in her head--she's my mom, so (according to her) in my mind, she can do know wrong, and I must bend over backwards to "honor" her. Told you it was complicated. [:)]

savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/6/2008 3:05:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: preserved The unemployment issue...sorry We who are working and paying taxes for those who feels making more money from umemployment is better off. You used the words if you got another job it would intere with your unemployment....Guess what for those reasons and those reasons you will remain on umemployement until you are forced to seek employment. Sorry, preserved, but you're getting UNEMPLOYMENT confused with WELFARE. I paid into my own unemployment--that's why I only have a certain amount coming to me--and when it's gone, it's gone, THEN I'll be "forced to seek employment" (which makes it sound like I am NOT seeking employment NOW--also, an assumption). YOU and every other working person are paying into YOUR OWN unemployment, NOT MINE or anyone else's. I am not now, nor have I been, nor do I plan on going, on any kind of welfare, which is what your, mine, and everyone else's taxes go into.

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