She's doing it again... (Full Version)

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savedbylove112 -> She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 12:33:59 PM)

...here we go again, another gripe about my Mom. I'm sorry, but I'm serious, this is the ONLY place I can come to to vent about her.

So today's her day off, and I'm still outta work. [:(] I wake up and see her in the kitchen getting herself coffee like she always does. I say, "Good morning." and she says, "Hello"--in that tone of voice that tells me she's upset about something. And when I say "upset", I mean "angry". So I ask, "What's wrong?" And of course, she says, "Nothing"--you all know the tone of voice THAT came in. [8|] So I tell her-- "Your tone of voice tells me there IS something. Is it something I did?" and she's like, "You tell me." [8D] Not having the gift of prophecy and silently praying for wisdom, I ask for details, and she says, "It's probably not worth mentioning anyway." and stomps off. [8|]

I know we're supposed to pursue peace, and to live peaceably with all men (and I know this includes Moms) as much as it depends on us, but I also don't like catering to Mom's little head games. So I'm just going to go about my usual day and not pursue it. I feel like if I pursue it, it gives her an ego boost, that she's got me on this little mental string and she's keeping me hanging until such time as SHE sees fit to let me in on the secret. I choose not to hang. If she wants to stew in her own juices and not tell me how I can fix things (if they even need fixing), that's her deal, not mine.

Comments? Advice? Am I doing the right thing, or should I go after whatever the issue is and try to resolve it? Thanks yet again! [:)]



evryknee -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 12:49:12 PM)

quote:

I know we're supposed to pursue peace, and to live peaceably with all men (and I know this includes Moms) as much as it depends on us, but I also don't like catering to Mom's little head games. So I'm just going to go about my usual day and not pursue it. I feel like if I pursue it, it gives her an ego boost, that she's got me on this little mental string and she's keeping me hanging until such time as SHE sees fit to let me in on the secret. I choose not to hang. If she wants to stew in her own juices and not tell me how I can fix things (if they even need fixing), that's her deal, not mine.


Sounds like a good plan to me - though , continue to keep a check on your heart and do it for the right reasons (ie. not purposely ignoring her out of vengeance)



TorchHeart -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 12:53:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: savedbylove112

...here we go again, another gripe about my Mom. I'm sorry, but I'm serious, this is the ONLY place I can come to to vent about her.

So today's her day off, and I'm still outta work. [:(] I wake up and see her in the kitchen getting herself coffee like she always does. I say, "Good morning." and she says, "Hello"--in that tone of voice that tells me she's upset about something. And when I say "upset", I mean "angry". So I ask, "What's wrong?" And of course, she says, "Nothing"--you all know the tone of voice THAT came in. [8|] So I tell her-- "Your tone of voice tells me there IS something. Is it something I did?" and she's like, "You tell me." [8D] Not having the gift of prophecy and silently praying for wisdom, I ask for details, and she says, "It's probably not worth mentioning anyway." and stomps off. [8|]

I know we're supposed to pursue peace, and to live peaceably with all men (and I know this includes Moms) as much as it depends on us, but I also don't like catering to Mom's little head games. So I'm just going to go about my usual day and not pursue it. I feel like if I pursue it, it gives her an ego boost, that she's got me on this little mental string and she's keeping me hanging until such time as SHE sees fit to let me in on the secret. I choose not to hang. If she wants to stew in her own juices and not tell me how I can fix things (if they even need fixing), that's her deal, not mine.

Comments? Advice? Am I doing the right thing, or should I go after whatever the issue is and try to resolve it? Thanks yet again! [:)]


I think you're doing the right thing.

I know you're out of work, but might I suggest moving out? Maybe a little distance between the two of you would help ease the tension.



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 1:21:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YZGUY

Sounds like a good plan to me - though , continue to keep a check on your heart and do it for the right reasons (ie. not purposely ignoring her out of vengeance)


Oh, no, it's not vengeance--I've been in this scenario with her before, and I know what happens when I do try to find out what's bugging her by asking her. She keeps up the aforementioned strategy, and then when she's ready to tell me, she blows up at me, and it's usually something not necessarily earth-shattering. I just don't feel like playing games, is all. And I'm hoping maybe when she does get around to wanting to fill me in, maybe she'll have calmed down about it. [8|]



Sadey -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 1:22:59 PM)

I have found that if someone seems upset with me and I ask them and they say nothing or say thing like your mom said, guessing games, I dont' take the bait. If they are really upset with me they will tell me and if they aren't then I don't need to worry about it.

I have also found out that by not taking any hints or asking questions, I stay out of a lot of trouble[:)]

I think you are a very wise young person. Keep up the good work. You've learned things that it took the rest of us years to learn.



jaimestarcross -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 1:23:23 PM)

I notice you are good at reading her tones... when you hear that something is wrong tone and she's doing the "you should know what's wrong routine" - leave the matter alone. Go do something else - don't take the bait.

If nothing else, get yourself out of the home - get a job selling Avon in your area... that's what I'm doing and I'm thankful for the pocket change it brings... I have 3 customers that are faithful --- if nothing else you can use the Avon booklet as a conversation starter and if the person shows no interest in it - tell them it makes a great bug killer / fly swatter(do a mock demonstration)! (Yes, I've done that! lol) --- also make up flyers and advertise for jobs cleaning homes, in-home care aide or house sitting etc... these are all jobs I've done in the past year to earn money and to get out of the house.



deermousie -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 2:20:32 PM)

I think you are wise, Savedbylove: "She's doing it again... "

I had a relative like this that I really struggled with, and a counselor told me to tell myself, "There she goes again." [:D]

If we know monkeys eat bananas, why are we surprised when a monkey eats another banana? The problem is, it's irritating because we have to live with another person's dishonesty and selfishness.

As Christians, we are to speak the truth in love. Your mom wants something, and she's going to torture you until you stand on your head (or whatever the criteria is) until she gets it. She's indulging herself in revenge and the feelings of superiority. It's sin.

You could say to her:

"If you say there is no problem, then I will believe you are telling the truth and I will act that there is no problem. If you want to discuss a problem with me, I am available and have time to do so and would be happy to do so. Let me know. I am depending on you speaking the truth in love as God commands us to do, and if you are violating this then it's between you and God. I want to help. "

Then pray like a big dog.

Examine yourself if you are being responsible in your own life, and take whatever steps God shows you. Do you need to pursue a job more diligently? Redo your resume? Get better clothes for an interview? Take more classes? Volunteer to get more experience? Get at least a part-time job flipping burgers so you can help financially around the house? Learn how to tune up the family car so you can contribute to family welfare? (Hey, I built a whole car engine once, just to see if I could. I could, and don't ever want to do it again. [:D] I don't expect others to do this, I was just expanding my horizons. What horizons could you use to push?).

God bless you, dear one. May God bless you and your mother, and may she repent and improve how she interacts with you in grace.



pbaribeault -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 4:17:05 PM)

Another good line is, "Well, I don't believe that 'nothing' business, but when you're ready to talk, I'm sure you will. In the meantime, you are entitled to your privacy."



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/12/2008 9:25:23 PM)

Thanks to you all yet again for your sound advice and Godly encouragement. Too many times, I feel like if I take a stand for myself, I might be doing something "un-Christ-like". Especially if I take that stand against Mom--she comes from the school of "Honor thy mother"--period. As in, Mom walks on water and she's always right, and don't you dare say otherwise. I have a definite suspicion that, while I know she loves me, she doesn't see me as an adult or respect me as such, and probably never will, even if I were to move out--in her eyes, that would be abandoning my responsibility to her.

Anyway, here it is, the end of the day, and she still hasn't told me what the problem is/was, so I'm not going to bring it up. If it's that important to her, she'll figure out a way to communicate it to me, although I guarantee it's going to be flavored with her own brand of salt. [8|]

To answer some suggestions--I would gladly find a part-time job outside the home, but #1, it would interfere with my unemployment benefits, and #2, Mom is of the mindset "I didn't send you back to college to flip burgers--you hold out for a "decent" job!" [8|] I do still contribute as I've always done--I still pay the bills I've paid before and buy the groceries, etc, so I can't imagine what her beef is. [>:]

BTW--the Avon is a good suggestion, but you can't swing a rock in a sling around this town without hitting an Avon representative (I was trying to avoid the cliche "swing a dead cat" and that's all I could come up with [&:]).

And speaking of jobs, I think there may be one on the horizon, if the LORD wills--I got a call today from a staffing agency a lot of us from my former job hooked up with when we were "let go", and they have a potential lead for me--not too far travel-wise, and better pay! [:)] I re-sent my new-and-improved resume, so now I wait upon the LORD and see what He may do!



deermousie -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/14/2008 6:35:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: savedbylove112
she comes from the school of "Honor thy mother"--period. As in, Mom walks on water and she's always right, and don't you dare say otherwise.


"Honor" in the original Hebrew means "to weigh or to give serious consideration to." It is not blind obedience or a response to an infallable parent, because they are sinners, too.

God's plan was to use our parents to help us, but if they are in sin then that door is compromised. If the parent is ignorant of Scripture and living in the flesh (sin) it makes their advice very suspect.

quote:


I have a definite suspicion that, while I know she loves me, she doesn't see me as an adult or respect me as such, and probably never will, even if I were to move out--in her eyes, that would be abandoning my responsibility to her.


This is important: what does she see as your responsibility to her? If you are an adult, you'll probably be getting married and will "leave your mother and your father." If guys leave, so do gals (the hermenuetical principle of the greater including the lesser). A parent's job is to provide for their kids and raise them in the reverential awe and instruction of the Lord. The kid's job is to grow up godly and become a self-supporting adult. There's an argument that could be made for staying home until marriage, but God calls some singles to ministry that means leaving parents. We are to support our elderly parents when they can no longer support themselves and have no retirement or insurance.

quote:

To answer some suggestions--I would gladly find a part-time job outside the home, but #1, it would interfere with my unemployment benefits


Which the rest of us with jobs are paying for by our taxes. It's not for people trying to get as much as they can, it's for people who are out of work, to hold them together until they find more work. Go get a job. [:)]

quote:

and #2, Mom is of the mindset "I didn't send you back to college to flip burgers--you hold out for a "decent" job!" [8|]


Well, she's not doing such a great job of the rest of her relationship with you; maybe it's more honorable to flip burgers while looking for a "decent job." Headhunters look for people who already are working.

quote:


I do still contribute as I've always done--I still pay the bills I've paid before and buy the groceries, etc, so I can't imagine what her beef is. [>:]


Can she pay her own bills if you aren't there?

quote:

BTW--the Avon is a good suggestion, but you can't swing a rock in a sling around this town without hitting an Avon representative (I was trying to avoid the cliche "swing a dead cat" and that's all I could come up with [&:]).


Is there a temp agency there? Can you do phone work at home? Is there a nursing home that needs nurse's aids? Can you deliver papers?

quote:

And speaking of jobs, I think there may be one on the horizon, if the LORD wills--I got a call today from a staffing agency a lot of us from my former job hooked up with when we were "let go", and they have a potential lead for me--not too far travel-wise, and better pay! [:)] I re-sent my new-and-improved resume, so now I wait upon the LORD and see what He may do!


Lord Jesus, I pray you give this sister a good job and the wisdom to know what to do with it and with her mother. I pray that she'll be blessed, that the mother will be blessed and will draw closer to You, and that all of us will be sanctified as You are glorified. We'll be careful to give all the praise to You, for I pray in the strong name of our risen Lord, Jesus - amen!



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/14/2008 8:56:57 PM)

deermousie--as usual, you've come through with some blessed insights and have given me much encouragement--as well as a well-needed swift kick! [;)] Thank you for your prayers, and I do hope that the LORD will give me wisdom to go where HE would have me go, and help me trust HIS leading and not my mom's whims (there are other job prospects appearing as well, but each one has their pros and cons, and I need His wisdom to balance what's best for everyone involved).

I just have a question RE: Unemployment. You stated:
quote:

Which the rest of us with jobs are paying for by our taxes. It's not for people trying to get as much as they can, it's for people who are out of work, to hold them together until they find more work. Go get a job.

Please don't think ill of me--believe me, I know there are people out there content to live off of welfare, and I am not one of them! [:'(]But as far as unemployment goes--I always thought that was like a bank account that I've been putting money into all the time I've been working--that's why I have UI on my W-2, and that's why there's only a certain amount I can collect before it runs out. In other words, my unemployment is just that--MINE--insurance I've been banking from my paychecks all these years--and when it's gone, it's gone. Am I mistaken? [>:]

And since my unemployment is a certain percentage of the wage I was earning prior to losing my job, it's not insanely low--but if I get a job flipping burgers for minimum wage, I'm afraid Unemployment will say "Oh, you're working now, you don't need us anymore." And instead of getting X-amount every 2 weeks, I'll be getting X divided by 10 or whatever every 2 weeks--and my expected household contributions have NOT changed, BTW. I forgot if I mentioned this, but Mom still expects me to keep paying the bills I've been paying when I was working, PLUS the grocery shopping. So, in my case, my unemployment IS holding me together until I get work (and I never believed people really WERE turned down for jobs for being OVER-qualified until it happened to ME--what's up with THAT??). [:o]



preserved -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/16/2008 11:15:44 AM)

savedbylove112,

When you notice her tone...just tuned it out...

The unemployment issue...sorry We who are working and paying taxes for those who feels making more money from umemployment is better off. You used the words if you got another job it would intere with your unemployment....Guess what for those reasons and those reasons you will remain on umemployement until you are forced to seek employment.



soundDRwife -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/17/2008 3:55:09 AM)

I think you are doing right! Life is too short to always be playing head games with people! Too much other good important stuff to worry about than playing mind games with people![:D]



staychill -> RE: She's doing it again... (6/17/2008 1:41:22 PM)

sorry u have to put up with this, i think your doing the best. and try to set up a vase of flowers to make her smile one morning. hope it brings peace.



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/1/2008 11:36:42 AM)

I'm so angry right now I could scream!!!

Last week, Mom asked me for my email address. She said the lawyer who is handling my late grandmother's estate was going to "send me something." I don't know the lawyer's name or email address, so I was waiting to receive an email that had something official looking in it.

Next thing I know, I receive 3 emails in a row from the same address, with nothing indicating I know this person in any way, with 3 long, drawn out personal letters about someone's medical condition. Understandably confused, I emailed the person back as to who they were and why they were emailing me.

Today, Mom calls me up, all angry, telling me that THAT was the lawyer. I said, Mom, how I am I supposed to know that was the lawyer, and I explained what the emails looked like. She gets all mad at ME, saying "I don't know anything about emails and the Internet, how am I supposed to know what he sent you?" And she tells me, "Go lick your wounds."--like I'm supposed to KNOW that this was from her lawyer. ARGGHH!!! Somebody stop me from hurting someone!!! [:@][:@][:@][:@]



creationtalk -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/1/2008 5:47:15 PM)

quote:

telling me that THAT was the lawyer.


There was no signature on the emails to indicate that this person was a lawyer? No business address and phone numbers on the emails?

Sorry, if there was no identification of the person who sent them and then you did exactly right, and I have a very hard time believing that the person actually WAS a lawyer.



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/1/2008 8:32:48 PM)

Nope, not one thing. The email address wasn't even business-like--just a bunch of letters and numbers @aol.com. But Mom later told me that this lawyer who is handling my late grandmother's estate is having medical problems, and for some strange reason, she wants to know about them. And these are NOT short little "pray for me" notes--these are several hundred-word letters, talking about other people in this man's life we know NOTHING about, graphic medical stuff I don't think we need to know about our lawyer, etc.

Mom's still mad at me, BTW. We haven't spoken since that exchange. I'm hoping it's just a "cooling-off" period, and we can get back to what passes for normal in this house. She will NEVER apologize. Ever. So holding my breath waiting for it is an effort in futility.



manda59 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/1/2008 8:49:52 PM)

Might I suggest you open an email account for your mother just for this purpose? And keep yours for just your stuff.



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/1/2008 10:20:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

Might I suggest you open an email account for your mother just for this purpose? And keep yours for just your stuff.


LOL--she DOES have her own email account--and she NEVER reads it! As far as I know, it's just where my aunt (her best friend) in Florida sends all these goofy FWD's that she also sends me (go figure) that Mom never wants to read anyway--she has no use or time for computers--"That's what I have your for." she says. When she asked for my email, I didn't think to give her her own email address--it's been unchecked for so long, it may not even be open anymore. [8|]



Sadey -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/2/2008 7:37:57 AM)

If shes not speaking to you, enjoy the peace and quiet while you can. Think of it as a sabbatical from the crazy making.



Kat_D -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/2/2008 11:41:00 AM)

You know, after reading all your posts on this subject, with all due respect, anyone whose Mother provokes them say things like this...

quote:

I'm so angry right now I could scream!!! Somebody stop me from hurting someone!!!

...over such a seemingly insignificant issue, needs to seriously consider the appropriateness of that response. Perhaps you may want to seek some counseling for your anger issues...and even more importantly, may want to consider moving out.

This relationship is not healthy on both sides.



creationtalk -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/2/2008 12:20:34 PM)

quote:

these are several hundred-word letters, talking about other people in this man's life we know NOTHING about, graphic medical stuff I don't think we need to know about our lawyer, etc.


I still say something is wrong in Denmark. Come on. A lawyer is a professional and highly trained in the use of words. I have a VERY hard time believing that one would share this type of information with a CLIENT. Even if the client wants to know. And sharing information about other people??? If your mother and the lawyer have the type of relationship that would lead to this kind of sharing, then 1) it should be done in person so that information does not fall into the hands of people who do not need to know and 2) the lawyer should recluse himself from any further professional dealings involving your mother because he is no longer able to be objective due to personal involvement.


I agree with Kat_D. It is time for you to get out of the house. I don't care how inconvenient it might be.

In a sense I understand why you (over)reacted as you did with this incident. I've been under continual unjustified (and maybe some justified) criticism and correction and it led me to get frustrated and over-react to minor issues.



preserved -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/2/2008 3:41:32 PM)

I too also think it is time for someone to leave the house...that is the only way you are going to get any peace..sad



macokjc -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/2/2008 4:19:34 PM)

I have to admit I don't understand why you have not moved out. Maybe your mother is as tired of you as you are of her. We all like our personal space. The longest that somebody ever lived with us was about 3 months, and even though I loved them, I couldn't wait for them to move out. Unfortunately, it's really hard to take anything you say seriously. You don't have a job and you are still living at home. This has been addressed before in this thread, but you really need to get a job. Not just for the money, but for something to do. Even if it's not your dream job. My husband is a human resources vice president, and he always looks at time gaps in resumes and wonders why the person didn't try harder for another job. (Gaps that there are no explanations for.)



savedbylove112 -> RE: She's doing it again... (7/3/2008 10:57:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: macokjc
Unfortunately, it's really hard to take anything you say seriously. You don't have a job and you are still living at home.


Thanks for that little vote of confidence. [8|] Apparently, you do not know a lot about my backstory, which may explain a lot of my current situation. If you want to PM me, I'd be glad to fill you in, and perhaps you might gain a bit of understanding instead of being so quick to judge someone you know almost nothing about. [&o]



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