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imit8him -> I'm Devastated (6/15/2008 4:44:33 AM)
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This is my first time posting a prayer request here and I honestly need more than just prayer....I am likely going to need counseling at some point as well. I do not know of many other points in my life (perhaps only two other times) from when I've been this distraught, angry, sad, depressed, scared, and vulnerable. I feel like I've been spiritually distracted and disconnected from God, so this is even more tough for me to deal with. It's as if I need to move closer to God, even before I can ask for His grace and love and healing. I know I need God right now more than anything. And I also know that things may not get better for me, but that I need to trust Him somehow. I was diagnosed as having a possible disease about six months ago and the doctor said to wait on things to see if they get better ... I am severely embarassed by this disorder and do not discuss it with anyone....I even have a hard time saying it aloud as it is first a rare disease and not known to most people and secondly it is embarassing to explain (you would know what I mean't if I told you)....For now, I will not disclose the details, but if it would help somehow I will discuss it. All I know is that it is possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me from a physical and psychological standpoint. Though the physical pain is not that bad, the psychological pain is like nothing I've ever felt. Right now, I need to see a few experts in the country to figure out what to do and how bad my situation is. I had some pretty bad symptoms about six months ago and things got slightly better and then worse (recently). Things may also continue to get worse... I am very young and have always been in shape...played sports, worked out, and kept my body in top shape (close to professional athlete shape for many years). ....For me to have what I have, there is something so psychologically damaging right now that I cannot put it into words and have barely slept. ....I feel depressed and angry...very much suicidal at my worst. If this problem gets worse, it may affect my ability to even have or enjoy sexual relations if I were to get married. I am so dead scared that I have been broken down to the point of even wanting to cry. I feel less of a person. I do not have a terminal illness like cancer or AIDS, etc. ,nor any kind of STD (always kept my faith in that area, so no issues), but I do have something that affects me in the one area that I cannot have ever imagined being damaged. If you are a male, this is an absolute horror (absolutely every man's worst nightmare and something you would not wish on your worst male enemy). I won't go into details right now, but you can imagine what I mean....it affects the one body part that I am scared to death of having problems with. As the bad symptoms are starting to show up and get worse (more recently)...there may be a chance to reverse this disease still, or at least minimize the damage......this may be my only hope. I've gone through phases of getting better and getting worse and right now, I believe there is a positive sign I have this disease for the longrun. At this point, I believe treatment is going to be necessary and even then the treatment is no guarantee of anything. Aside from being physically frightened, I feel completely broken down psychologically as a male. I am young and in my prime. For me to have this disease is so overwhelming that I have wanted to just die if I cannot get well and stay well. I personally wish God would just give me a miracle so that I do not have to suffer. I do not want this. -Imit
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