Am I Wrong (again)? (Full Version)

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janidhiro -> Am I Wrong (again)? (6/16/2008 11:35:12 AM)

Back again. From my prior posts you can determine that my marriage is going through a rough time. I just need a sanity check on a recent incident. Background: my DW frequently locks the door to the BR for privacy during the day. If I need access, I pop the lock open. Occasionally, she will lock the door at night before I come to bed. Sometimes this is unintentional but sometimes if she is ticked at me, she will also do this. Again, I just pop the lock for access. I usually sleep in the buff and sometimes find myself scrambling for covers when kids forget to knock. The other night I was zonked and went to bed whilst the kids were still up. We also had a house guest. I locked the door to the BR so I knew no one would be "surprised". I just crashed, fully clothed, on the bed. When my wife came to the room and found the door locked, she tried to wake me up to open the door. I did not wake up (fan was running and I was sleeping soundly). She was quite upset with me and asked why I did not open the door. I told her I was asleep. I was hoping this would be the end but it wasn't. The next morning she again asked me why I did not open the door. I repeated my prior response. She asked me not to lock the door. I told her if I needed privacy, I would lock the door and she could pop it open. She told me this was inconvenient and asked me again not to lock the door. I again told her I would lock it if I needed privacy. She told me that no one EVER walks in on me naked and she NEVER has the door locked at night. I told her she was incorrect and that kids do walk in on me (at times when she is not there) and that sometimes she does lock the door at night. My common sense told me to drop this but I could see no difference between her need for privacy and my need for privacy so I told her I thought she was being unreasonable. She again quizzed me as to why I did not unlock the door the night before. It was obvious that she did not believe me. This escalated to an all out battle. My take on this is that she is projecting on me the reason why she may lock the door at night (she is upset with me) and cannot simply accept the fact that I need some privacy (albeit, not from her). She can totally understand her need for privacy but cannot and will not acknowledge mine. What am I missing here?



TorchHeart -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/16/2008 1:13:21 PM)

Well, here's a simple idea (though it doesn't solve everything). If either of you needs privacy for things other than sleeping, maybe you should find a different room where you can go to vent and relax. One where the other person won't necessarily eventually need it. Maybe an office room or spare bedroom rather than the bedroom you both share. And then, when either of you are in the room venting, set the rule that the other person does NOT enter. That'll give both parties time to cool off, if needed.

Also, don't ASSUME why she's upset with you locking the door. Ask her why she's upset. What did she think you were doing in there? Talk to her and find out. If you can't do this without conversing rationally with one another, it might be best to drop it.



Hislittleone -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/16/2008 2:12:03 PM)

I just read your other posts and from what I can gather it may help if you reassure her of your love on a consistent basis and quit arguing with her. Just don't argue. Let her win. Most of the things you argue about are probably not matters of life and death, right? The author of a book on marriage gave my husband this advice: Let's say that 50% of the time you are right and 50% she is right. If you let her win by not arguing then at least 50% of the time you will be doing the right thing (by following her good advice/ideas) and the other 50% of the time, if you look back on those issues a year later you'll realize that they weren't really that important. But by not arguing and trying to prove your point you will have greatly improved your marriage relationship. So it's a win-win situation.

This advice has really helped us a lot.

I also agree with Torchheart that you need to ask her why it upset her that you locked the door. Also, like he said maybe you both just need a separate room for privacy (although I can't imagine what either of you would need privacy from the other for to the extent that you lock them out). I do understand wanting to lock the door if you have a guest in your home. But don't assume things about why your wife is upset. Just ask her and be willing to listen with an open heart and mind. Just let her talk/vent while you listen.



TorchHeart -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/16/2008 2:45:37 PM)

I'm with Hislittleone on trying to reduce the arguing, though may I say that I wouldn't end it altogether. I know that's going to sound weird, so let me explain my thought:

You HAVE to argue, sometimes. Arguing isn't always yelling and screaming in each other's face. Arguing is sometimes trying to hammer out differences that can be important in a relationship, and both parties just happen to have very strong opinions on the subject. In these cases, its not right to just roll over and say "you're right;" its actually beneficial. Also, arguing can give each person in the relationship a chance to vent. Holding feelings inside and never saying anything when something bothers you can be even more problematic than speaking your mind.

Here are some tips I've learned:

1) DON'T raise your voice to one another when you're arguing. Keep yourself in control and be rational. Think of it more as a "discussion" rather than an "argument," and try to keep it that way.

2) LISTEN to the other person. Don't just hear what the other person is saying, but actually try to UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE GETTING AT. The better you can see their point of view, the easier it will be to explain your side, too.

3) CHOOSE WHAT YOU ARGUE ABOUT. When you look back at this issue, is the fact that one of you locked the bedroom door THAT big of a deal? This is where Hislittleone's advice really does help. Why fight over the petty stuff? Just let her win, and drop it.

4) TAKE THE OTHER PERSON'S OPINION OF THE SITUATION SERIOUSLY. If they're that passionate about something, don't just dismiss them. Like I said in #2, actually LISTEN.

5) DON'T BE AFRAID TO JUST WALK AWAY FOR A FEW MOMENTS! Cooler heads tend to prevail. If you think things are getting too heated and one or both of you is losing their temper, just say "look, I need to cool down a bit. Could we please just step away for a few minutes so we can talk about this rationally?" After that, go to your separate corners and give yourself time to chill out. Sometimes, when you do this, it also gives both of you time to contemplate what the other person is saying.

6) DON'T ASSUME THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON'S OPINION! Again, listen to what is being said.

7) DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY "I'M SORRY!!!!" Especially if you realize you've been wrong (and even if you haven't been wrong, this doesn't hurt).

Also, what Hislittleone said about reassuring your wife of your love on a regular basis is an EXCELLENT idea. Saying "I love you" to your spouce is never a bad thing, and in my book, it can't be said enough.

Good luck, and God bless, amigo.



evryknee -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/16/2008 5:26:18 PM)

Sounds like she doesn't believe you. Is there a history of you not telling the truth? Does she believe her own interpretation over your explanation? If it's the latter, then I wonder what her interpretation is...Does she believe you were doing something indecent (prn, the big M)? Don't want her around?, etc.. That would be my question to her. I think in this argument, you are arguing about two different things... You, about privacy & fairness. Her, about somethinng else (like above). In communication and disagreements, you need to define the issue.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/16/2008 5:46:27 PM)

Seems to me she is going on about the door being
locked because she's used that as a way of "getting back"
at you when you and her have had disagreements.

I also advise against sleeping in the nude(wear pajama pants or shorts) - since you have children who still live at home and are apt to open the door without knocking.



janidhiro -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 9:33:02 AM)

Thanks to all who have offered advice. Just to clarify, I am not seeking privacy "from" my wife. I don't care if she comes in the room (just as she does not care if I come in whilst she is bathing or dressing). I just want a little privacy from "kids on a mission" to find something. Both she and I know exactly what I was doing when the door was locked- passed out sleeping. We have no TV/PC/anything in our bedroom to offer distraction. What I do not understand is endemic to our relationship: how I am expected to grant some little thing (like this door/privacy thing) and yet it is not reciprocated. This recent conflict also demonstrates to me the fact that no matter what I say, she would rather go off believing her version of what I mean rather than actually hear what I say. This is the issue. One poster asked if I have given her reason not to believe me. I have thought about this and can say that I don't think that I have. Her growing paranoia (baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others) is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with. Part of me just wants to say "Look, this is your problem, not mine" (and I have). Part of me thinks, do I have to baby and coddle and reassure her to get her through her insecurites? As I have stated before, I have six kids, I don't need her acting like a three year old. Seeing this in B&W looks harsh but can anyone understand where I am coming from?



Lady_Bear -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 9:35:46 AM)

janidhijanidhiro ... I will be praying for you both that you can get things worked out.



Hislittleone -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 1:16:19 PM)

quote:

Her growing paranoia (baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others) is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with. Part of me just wants to say "Look, this is your problem, not mine" (and I have). Part of me thinks, do I have to baby and coddle and reassure her to get her through her insecurites? As I have stated before, I have six kids, I don't need her acting like a three year old. Seeing this in B&W looks harsh but can anyone understand where I am coming from?


It does sound harsh and uncaring. If you say these kinds of things to her and portray this kind of attitude, it's understandable that you are having problems in the relationship.

quote:

I have been an overprotective, difficult, inflexible, loving, caring, giving and doting husband and father.
----from another thread

If you've been difficult and inflexible then it's no surprise you're now experiencing problems as a result.

quote:

She would never concede that there may be something wrong with her physically and, to be honest, I do not think this is the case (perhaps excepting normal peri-menopausal stuff).
----from another thread

From what I understand menopause and peri-menopause is a very difficult time in a woman's life. Not only are there uncomfortable physical symptoms but there are also mood swings. If she's going through these changes you should treat her with extra grace and love.

quote:

My only solution is to avoid her and stay out of her way. This gives me some temporary respite but just makes her more angry. She interprets this as rejection. I see it as self-preservation. I need to be there for my kids. This also makes her angry as I once told her that the only reason I live is to care for them. She is very jealous of my kindness towards the children and frequently insinuates that I would not do the same for her.
----from another thread

These are serious no-no's in my opinion. Your wife probably feels unloved by you. That's how I would feel if my husband said these kinds of things to me. The solution for that is to sincerely apologize for doing these things and stop doing them. Treat her with extra love and kindness so that one day she will believe that you really do love her.

I think it's time to stop looking for your wife to change and initiate changes in your marriage by example.

The Scriptures command husbands to love their wives like Christ loves the Church and to live with them in understanding. They are also commanded to provide for their families (meaning emotionally as will as physically as I understand it).



staychill -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 1:26:27 PM)

hi, i hope i can help. first im sorry about all the trouble.
a very very easy way to solve this is to remove the lock. just tell the kids to knock or yell before they come in. keep a bed robe close to the bed so just in of someone entering. and use a different room for privacey



TorchHeart -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 3:14:52 PM)

OK. First off, I CAN see where you're coming from in regards to how your wife's "paranoia" is difficult to deal with. From what you've described, I think she has some issues and maybe some serious growing up to do.

However, from what I'm reading, I DO think you need to start choosing your battles and your words a LOT more carefully. I think a lot of the problems here are coming from how you two communicate and perceive one another. Have you guys though of seeing a counciler to help you learn to communicate better?



notmycity -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 4:14:38 PM)

We've never locked doors. Aside from using the restroom, what place does a locked door have in a healthy marriage?



Karaboo2 -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 4:36:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: notmycity
We've never locked doors. Aside from using the restroom, what place does a locked door have in a healthy marriage?


I'd be tempted to add gift wrapping to the locked door reasoning ... just because my dh is a bigger kid than the actual munchkins! [;)]


But yes ... I think there is a huge area for improvement in communication from both parties ... the OP appears to need to watch his phraseology, and his wife needs to stop retreating and start expressing her feelings. When dh and I went through a rough patch with communication, we found that taking a 30 minute 'cool-off' time prior to discussions worked wonders ... we would journal our thoughts in that timeframe, and that would help us detach from the intense emotions and see things a little more rationally.



TorchHeart -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/17/2008 9:49:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karaboo2


I'd be tempted to add gift wrapping to the locked door reasoning ... just because my dh is a bigger kid than the actual munchkins! [;)]


But yes ... I think there is a huge area for improvement in communication from both parties ... the OP appears to need to watch his phraseology, and his wife needs to stop retreating and start expressing her feelings. When dh and I went through a rough patch with communication, we found that taking a 30 minute 'cool-off' time prior to discussions worked wonders ... we would journal our thoughts in that timeframe, and that would help us detach from the intense emotions and see things a little more rationally.


I like the cool-off period idea suggested here. The journal idea, too. [sm=thumbsup.gif]

As for the locked doors, I can see it if you just really need to get away from the other person for a few minutes, whether that be to just regain your composure or whatever. It shouldn't be for a long period of time, though.



janidhiro -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/18/2008 7:18:33 PM)

Again, thanks to all who have posted. I think I have come to realize that when she locks the door (other than for privacy reasons) it means "I am hurt/mad/upset". She is assuming that I am doing the same, even though all I wanted was privacy from the kids. The fact that she cannot accept this and believes her intepretation of my actions is beyond my control. I think it does speak to the fact (as one poster indicated) that she does not trust/beleive me. So I am left in a no win situation. Please pray that she will give me the benefit of the doubt and that God will give me the patience and longsuffering to get through yet another ridiculous incident that should have been over and done in about two sentences. I find myself so often praying that she will not be mad at me over some inconsequential event. I am so tired of walking with two feet in one shoe (haven't heard that expression in a while) just to avoid upsetting her. I told her the other night that both of us have lost the abilty to actually hear what the other party is saying. Everything is filtered through 24 years of precedent. I also told her that way back, when we did actually listen to each other, we fell in love based on what we heard, I think this really meant a lot to her and got her thinking.



slushie -> RE: Am I Wrong (again)? (6/19/2008 4:53:06 PM)

That's interesting that you found that out. I'm not married but I want to say something: continue to be patient and work on building back her trust. When she locks the door to say "that she's hurt, mad, upset" ... what would it take to open that door?

Maybe she's just been living with a lot of hurt. I know when sometimes I've been hurt a lot without talking about it or expressing it correctly, i tend to get snappish and mad at little things.



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