RE: singleness and friendships (Full Version)

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StraightAhead -> RE: singleness and friendships (6/29/2008 1:53:00 AM)

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ORIGINAL: trinigirl722

quote:

ORIGINAL: StraightAhead

... I have not been in a relationship in 5 years now, last date where a man picked me up and took me out was almost 4 years ago!

I honestly feel there's gotta be some kind of stronghold in church singles groups to keep singles from pairing up and instead choose to form perpetual friendships that will not lead to marriage. Has anybody (who's been involved in church singles groups for years) ever thought of this before???


Hmmmm ... interesting thought, StraightAhead. I had never thought of it in terms of a stronghold, but I wonder if it's maybe an "easy way out" for men and women to have social needs met and get attention from the opposite gender without having to commit to a relationship requiring more effort. Although not a stronghold, this would definitely be selfish and immature, a.k.a. part of the fallen sin nature.

And, you're not alone. It's been five years since I've been on a date.[&:]


Hi Trinigirl! Thanks so much for your reply! I do think it is an "easy way out" like you said. By stronghold, I meant something that perhaps it is an attack from the enemy to place impediments in the paths of Christian singles so they don't marry and procreate (considering a lot of us are already past 40 and never married this has already happened!). It's just a thought (my easy way out so as not to imply that it's anyone's fault [sm=icon_smile_tongue.gif] ) Have a great remainder of the weekend!



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: singleness and friendships (6/29/2008 3:05:41 AM)

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I already know that if the man I am interested in really wants to be a father, I will be the wrong woman to "provide" the child as I feel my body has "expired"


A true gentleman would love you for you, not for that.

More and more people are adopting at older ages now.

My sister lives in New York City, and she says all kinds of women there are having babies older, even without in vitro or anything. People probably just thought it wasn't possible, because so many for so long married younger and chose to stop sooner. But the women that kept having babies, had them into their 40's. I know it is less likely at your age, but it's not IMPOSSIBLE. With God, all things are possible.



trinigirl722 -> RE: singleness and friendships (6/30/2008 12:12:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StraightAhead

Hi Trinigirl! Thanks so much for your reply! I do think it is an "easy way out" like you said. By stronghold, I meant something that perhaps it is an attack from the enemy to place impediments in the paths of Christian singles so they don't marry and procreate (considering a lot of us are already past 40 and never married this has already happened!). It's just a thought (my easy way out so as not to imply that it's anyone's fault [sm=icon_smile_tongue.gif] ) Have a great remainder of the weekend!


Hi, StraightAhead!
Yes, I understood what you meant (although I hadn't considered the procreation angle). And I wasn't disagreeing -- just tossing out an additional thought. You may have something there. It could be a stronghold; I had just never considered that before.

(Eeek! Kind of scary! As if there weren't enough challenges to dating already![8D])

Anyway, thanks for sharing that. That could definitely be something to pray about.

Hope your Sunday was great too![:)]



Jess_M -> RE: singleness and friendships (6/30/2008 12:33:27 PM)

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How about you guys? How do you feel about being single and building real friendships instead of waiting for a mate that might not ever come. Do you have friends that you can talk to and confide everything to like I had with my best friend (well, we still talk for hours, but every once in a while as it's long distance). Do you think having friends would make the challenges of being single a lot easier?

Having a close friend that you can talk to at any hour is a rare and special thing, and yes I do think it makes being single easier. It also helps hold me accountable during vulnerable times.



StraightAhead -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 12:56:59 AM)

Thanks OneOfHisJewels and Trinigirl for your comments and encouragement! I was having a really bad day when I posted my original comment. The person I was interested is apparently interested in someone else.

Jess, I agree on the close friends issue. We need this to see us through! It is still nowhere near the same as the permanent relationship of marriage and that's what bothers some of us. As far as I am concerned though, I can't do "guy friends" well, apart from seeing them in social group situations. I won't be one talking to guy friends on the phone when I have no interest in them as more than friends. I will just love on my "brothers" in group situations. This way no one gets too emotionally intimate, then get hurt when feelings aren't mutual. I realize everyone has their own boundaries on this. Mine are pretty tight. I grew up with brothers so I think I have plenty of "brotherly" relationships as it is....



DrivenbyGod -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 2:42:52 AM)

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How do you feel about the idea of being single for life?


I really do not care to think about this... [:D]

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Besideherself: I am not single for my whole life today. I am only single today.

I must discipline my thoughts and bring them into subjection to God's truth--I can not know what will happen in the rest of my life...in fact, I barely have any inkling what might be happening 15 minutes from now. But God knows. I can trust Him to handle it. For now, I must only deal with the loneliness I feel this moment. I turn my thoughts away from what might happen in the rest of my life, and focus them on this moment in time.

And I find that the fear and loneliness dissipate. There is plenty of grace to spare for THIS moment of loneliness. I can cope with life for this moment. God gives me guidance and courage for this moment.


I really liked this from Besideherself too. I think this is a great way to think about these kinds of things, otherwise the burden can feel too heavy.



ebony101 -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 3:07:50 AM)

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But the women that kept having babies, had them into their 40's. I know it is less likely at your age, but it's not IMPOSSIBLE.






It's not impossible, but it's not practical.If you have a child when you are 45 - when that child is 10 you'll be 55. When that child reaches the rebellious teenage years at 15 - you'll be 60. At that age you shouldn't have to deal with a teenager, plus all the other ailments that are associated with old age. Additionally, now that you have retired, how are you going to deal with teenage expenses and college finances. Hmmm!

-- Just some food for thought.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 7:44:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ebony101

quote:

But the women that kept having babies, had them into their 40's. I know it is less likely at your age, but it's not IMPOSSIBLE.






It's not impossible, but it's not practical.If you have a child when you are 45 - when that child is 10 you'll be 55. When that child reaches the rebellious teenage years at 15 - you'll be 60. At that age you shouldn't have to deal with a teenager, plus all the other ailments that are associated with old age. Additionally, now that you have retired, how are you going to deal with teenage expenses and college finances. Hmmm!

-- Just some food for thought.


Yes, but allow me to give you some other food for thinking...

My parents have done this. First of all, my mother was nearly 30 when she had her first child. Then my brother became a very young parent...and it wasn't long before my parents were raising their grandchildren.

Now my mom is 76 and my dad is 80. They are practically raising their great grandchildren.

This is not ideal in their situation: we all wish my brother had lived a pure life and that his children would have been raised in a godly home and become godly, responsible parents. But it does show that our own ideas of the timeline and "practicability" of raising children at a certain age sometimes fail to take into account the grace of God.

besiderself



John_O -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 7:46:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ebony101

quote:

But the women that kept having babies, had them into their 40's. I know it is less likely at your age, but it's not IMPOSSIBLE.






It's not impossible, but it's not practical.If you have a child when you are 45 - when that child is 10 you'll be 55. When that child reaches the rebellious teenage years at 15 - you'll be 60. At that age you shouldn't have to deal with a teenager, plus all the other ailments that are associated with old age. Additionally, now that you have retired, how are you going to deal with teenage expenses and college finances. Hmmm!

-- Just some food for thought.


You never retire from parenthood. When the Girl is 22 I'll be 62. When the new kids (should God bless me with them) are graduating from college, I'll be in my 70's. I'll still be dad and still be leading them in the way they should go.

One advantage to being an older parent is that finances are much easier as I'm more established and have almost everything paid for already.

You do not have to get sick when you get old. Take care of yourself now and stay in shape (and for this discussion round is not a shape). My dad is in his late 70's. Walks upwards of 5 miles a day (plus golf every day) and is doing great. Mom is in her mid seventies and still going strong. I intend to hang around until Jesus comes back.



RosieCotton -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 9:17:02 AM)

talking about marrying later, and have children later in life. my mom was 42 when she had my little sister........and my dad was 54........and now my little sister is 19.......yeah, it is kindof stressful at times.......but, my sister got a total different kind of childhood then me and my older sister had. they were more grounded in the gospel of grace with her, then with us. and i saw how it is a doable situation!



Focusing -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/1/2008 9:21:28 AM)

back on track ... singleness and friendships ... [:D]


I believe having close female friends has been a huge blessing in my life. They provide the bond of friendship that I need, which keeps me from feeling lonely. And like Jess, they help hold me accountable when I'm feeling vulnerable.



ju-ju -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/2/2008 4:35:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

How do you feel about the idea of being single for life?

I don't know about most of you, but when I'm trying to accept that God might not have anyone for me, I feel an extreme loneliness of sort. I don't want to imagine it, but I can't help feel that that's what's in store for me. And the thought is unbearable.

It used to be that when my best friend was here that I didn't feel like this. But she moved away and finding friends that you can talk to at all hours is just about as hard as finding a partner. I've prayed that if God doesn't have a mate for me, to at least help me develop some real friendship. SO far, it's not happening. I can't seem to find anyone I have anything in common with. Just because someone is a Christian doesn't automatically make it easy to connect with them.

How about you guys? How do you feel about being single and building real friendships instead of waiting for a mate that might not ever come. Do you have friends that you can talk to and confide everything to like I had with my best friend (well, we still talk for hours, but every once in a while as it's long distance). Do you think having friends would make the challenges of being single a lot easier?


Hey, Pairiehiker. I have that exact same "fear" inside of me sometimes. I try not to think about it because I will get that intense lonely feeling you described. It honestly does scare me to think that I might very well be single for the remainder of my life. I don't know God's will.

I have to say that, yes, having a really close friend helps for sure. My best friend is Sarah and we've been friends since like '97. I don't even want to think that she might move away one day. I'll just not even go there! Yikes.

But that closeness, even though it's not the same as the closeness of a man, helps so much. I can call her at any time and talk about, literally, ANYTHING. It's such a blessing to be close to someone like that. And a friend like that is as hard to find as a partner. So true!



ju-ju -> RE: singleness and friendships (7/2/2008 5:03:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself

I experience similar feelings when I think of being single the rest of my life. In fact, the loneliness at those times can be almost physically painful!!

But the problem when that happens, I've discovered, lies with me; not with the possibility of singleness for the rest of my life.

God promises to give us the grace to deal with whatever He allows to happen to us. But He doesn't give us all of our grace at once for everything we're going to face in life, and then let us deal it out as we need it. He gives us the grace we need at the moment we need it--and not before.

So when I start thinking about being single my whole life, it DOES hurt, and it's almost overwhelmingly painful because I am trying to deal with something for a whole lifetime in one moment. I don't have the grace reserves to do it, so I can't!

But if I face singleness one day or one moment at a time, which is the scriptural way we are instructed to deal with life, then I have plenty of grace at each moment to deal with my singleness.



Dear Besiderself, this is the very thing the Holy Spirit keeps laying on my heart each time I feel that familiar pain. Really, what you said and He said applies to ANY mountain or worrisome matter (real or imagined) in our lives. We just have to worry about dealing with it today. Just today.

And today, I can handle it. [:)] Besides, I just got off the phone with my best friend Sarah, whom I wrote about just a second ago on this thread, and she just warms me all up. I can handle this singleness thing, with God and with the sweet friends He puts in my life......

.....and, I mustn't forget, He puts me in others' lives as well......



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