Dont know where I was to put this... (Full Version)

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littleone09 -> Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 4:05:26 AM)

I have edited and edited this. On what I wanted to say and what I didnt. But I am scared to be judged. No one knows me. I am new here and dont know anyone. I have a friend "WB" Who has been a Dad to me for the past 2 1/2 yrs. And he just had his first child 3mo ago. His wife and I have a mutual friendship. We care about eachother not just because of him anymore. But because we just do. Granted I dont think she will ever be 100% thrilled by me. I dont give her any reasons to not trust her husband...but i dont know. He has lost two jobs recently..(he's a very blunt guy) and twice in 3mo has told me he had to drop me. He needs to get his life together and everything and come back as friends. But this last one cut deeper. The first 1 1/2yrs it was just me and him. She wasnt in my life at the time. Not like she is now. We never met, never spoke to eachother. And now we are getting used to having eachother in our lives...if that makes sense. And WB means well...and I know he cares about me. But he told me our friendship should of never gone to the point of me seeing him as a Dad. I didnt think it was wrong. I never saw him more then that and his wife always came first and I knew I'd take the back seat when his kids came. He works in another city and is gone for 2wks and comes home for 2wks. And I know he is panicked right now. His wife stays at home with the baby. So he is the bread winner. and its their first child. And I know he's scared. But I asked him when we could hang out. Lately I been hanging out over there (granted doing yard work). I didnt mention his wife. That wasnt to say "Hey just you definatly not your wife" i kinda assumed they were a package deal. I didnt think I had to mention her..I assumed she'd be there. But they both freaked out. (I apologized to her in person later on and explained and she said next time so no miscommunication mention them both) And that just opened a whole mess of trouble. He told me the next night that he couldnt be what he was to me anymore. And he was hurtful. I dont think he ment it. I think he just spoke out of anger and being scared. Is it wrong? Am I just being stupid? He says he has a problem with me not being a Christian. But Ive gone from Wiccan to Atheist to a curiosity. I mean your talking about someone who shut out God for years. I am only 20yrs old. I think he's making excuses to himself so this would be easier. His wife told me that theres no reason we cant be friends. That if I needed anything I could call, text or email. Am I holding onto something unhealthy to me? His friendship means everything to me. And I love them BOTH. I do. They are the only parental roles I have. And I told her that. Im sorry for the ramble. But he wont talk to me. Wont for 2wks while he thinks and tries to get everything together. I have 2wks to think this over...



Kat_D -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 5:45:12 AM)

I think you may have edited too much because what you have written causes me some confusion. Before I reply to you, I need you to fill in some of the blanks:

1. How old is this "Dad?"

2. Can you please detail what this "Dad" relationship entailed?

3. Where is your real Dad?

4. Why do you think he is "panicked right now"?

5. Had you been seeing him alone prior to this incident? And if you had, why did you think he'd assume it was a "package deal" (him and his wife) this time?

6. Do you think his wife has put her foot down on this relationship and if so, why do you think she'd do that?

Thanks.



Wild-Rose -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 7:53:05 AM)

You asked when you could hang out with him and he and his wife both freaked out. Isn't it obvious that you are causing a problem to him and his wife? Being friends with him was OK when you were a child, but now you are grown. He is trying to get you to back off, and move on with your life. He needs to move on with his own life as husband and father.



Szaftoo -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 10:06:21 AM)

Sometimes relationships change and there is a time to move on. He is married now with his own family and they are his priority. You need to respect that and let go for now.



ames01 -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 10:46:00 AM)

I have two questions to add to Kat's, if you don't mind. [:)]

Are you female? And are the man and his wife Chrisitians?



cheeky_monkey -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 12:56:03 PM)

I think if I were in your position I would honor his wishes and walk away. However, and I know this probably doesn't help at all, I'm speaking as someone who has faced rejection a few too many times. I just wouldn't want to make it any harder on me (selfish, I know) than necessary. You can't force a friendship/relationship of any kind. If all parties involved don't want it, it's best to try to walk away peacefully. That's how I see it anyway.



littleone09 -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 1:07:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

I think you may have edited too much because what you have written causes me some confusion. Before I reply to you, I need you to fill in some of the blanks:

1. How old is this "Dad?"

2. Can you please detail what this "Dad" relationship entailed?

3. Where is your real Dad?

4. Why do you think he is "panicked right now"?

5. Had you been seeing him alone prior to this incident? And if you had, why did you think he'd assume it was a "package deal" (him and his wife) this time?

6. Do you think his wife has put her foot down on this relationship and if so, why do you think she'd do that?

Thanks.

----------------------------------------------------

Sorry about the confusion. WB is a father figure. I dont mean a literal Dad.

He's 31
If I had a problem he'd fix it. We would talk on the phone about what scared me. God. And if it was possible for me to go to College...that sort of thing. I was grounded or made to write lines if I disobeyed.
My own Dad passed away almost 4yrs ago now
Because he is a new dad...and his wife is now a stay at home mom. And he just got a new job and is in the "probabational" period. I think he's scared he cant take care of his family.
Yes I had been seeing him alone but it was never at his house. Everytime we saw eachother it was at his house. And she wasnt in my life at the time. She was in his yes but we never spoke to eachother. Its been about a year now that she has been a active person in my life...i.e. phone,text, email
Is it possible that his wife put a end in the relationship? Probably. But what she told me was that she told him he had to do whats right by his blood family. And it wasnt fair to their newborn son if I was getting 100% his attention. She told me she didnt mind us being friends...but that he had to be there for his son too.
Yes I am female
And yes they are both Christians
I think I miswrote what I ment to say. He says he's not completely walking away. I just wont have him as a father figure anymore. But both he and his wife want to stay friends with me. I am trying to figure out if I should hold on to the friendship...sorry if I confused anyone..it was 2am when I wrote this....



Kat_D -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 1:32:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone09

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

I think you may have edited too much because what you have written causes me some confusion. Before I reply to you, I need you to fill in some of the blanks:

1. How old is this "Dad?"

2. Can you please detail what this "Dad" relationship entailed?

3. Where is your real Dad?

4. Why do you think he is "panicked right now"?

5. Had you been seeing him alone prior to this incident? And if you had, why did you think he'd assume it was a "package deal" (him and his wife) this time?

6. Do you think his wife has put her foot down on this relationship and if so, why do you think she'd do that?

Thanks.

----------------------------------------------------

Sorry about the confusion. WB is a father figure. I dont mean a literal Dad.

He's 31
If I had a problem he'd fix it. We would talk on the phone about what scared me. God. And if it was possible for me to go to College...that sort of thing. I was grounded or made to write lines if I disobeyed.
My own Dad passed away almost 4yrs ago now
Because he is a new dad...and his wife is now a stay at home mom. And he just got a new job and is in the "probabational" period. I think he's scared he cant take care of his family.
Yes I had been seeing him alone but it was never at his house. Everytime we saw eachother it was at his house. And she wasnt in my life at the time. She was in his yes but we never spoke to eachother. Its been about a year now that she has been a active person in my life...i.e. phone,text, email
Is it possible that his wife put a end in the relationship? Probably. But what she told me was that she told him he had to do whats right by his blood family. And it wasnt fair to their newborn son if I was getting 100% his attention. She told me she didnt mind us being friends...but that he had to be there for his son too.
Yes I am female
And yes they are both Christians
I think I miswrote what I ment to say. He says he's not completely walking away. I just wont have him as a father figure anymore. But both he and his wife want to stay friends with me. I am trying to figure out if I should hold on to the friendship...sorry if I confused anyone..it was 2am when I wrote this....


First of all, I'm sorry for your pain and I understand it is difficult for you to lose your relationship with this man. I assume from what you have said that he was like a mentor to you. I personally don't believe a married man (especially a Christian married man with a child) has any business mentoring a single young woman. You have no choice but to honor their decision to end the relationship as it was. It is a right decision in my opinion. Your relationship with him was not appropriate and it sounds like his wife believes it went too far.

Secondly, most young women who have real fathers are becoming independent and moving away from them (both emotionally and physically) at your age, and you may want to take their cue. We all have to grow up. If you absolutely need someone to mentor you in a parental way, I suggest you try to find a mature woman to do it.

I will pray that you find Jesus Christ. He can be your Father, your friend, your joy, your comforter, your teacher, your mentor...your everything, if you will give Him the chance. He loves you and His love has no strings attached. He is the only One who will never fail you. I hope you will try Him and see that this is true.



1mlasp -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 1:37:25 PM)

Seems like he is setting up some boundaries that should have been there all along. You can either accept these changes or walk away.

quote:

...I was grounded or made to write lines if I disobeyed.
This seems kind of weird to me.

Can they still as a couple help you with problems, college questions, etc? This is different than fixing.

Are they mature enough and knowledgeable Christians to share the loving God of the Bible so you don't need to be afraid of Him anymore? Would they take you to church so that someone else could respond to your questions better than they could? Would they be open to that if you asked them?



truthrevealed -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/20/2008 2:49:00 PM)

KatD has given you terrific advice. It's wonderful that he's been a mentor but as a young woman, even and ESPECIALLY if his wife is the reason behind his decision you MUST respect that decision. This is perfect time to seek out the companionship that you found in this man, in the person whom he believes-- which is Jesus(because this man is a christian right?) Every wonderful thing you see in this father figure is only a measure of what God wants to reveal to you intimately and personally so when you need someone to talk to and this man is no longer available try talking to God, as a friend and as a Father just as you've been doing and don't be concerned about how you'll know He's heard or how He will answer, it's obvious that God is pursuing you ;-)so respond!



preserved -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/23/2008 2:08:05 PM)

I think you need to respect the wife. You are not his daughter and he really has no ties with you as thru your parents. He is a man that you latched onto and considered him like a fatherly figure.

The key issue was when you asked him when the two of you could hang out? You did not ask if you could visit the him and his family. The two of you should not be hanging out by yourselves!!

What his wife is saying is that you all can still be friends but nothing more..no more hanging out with him and no more referring to him as a dad...He is 31 and have no idea of your age...

It may be hard...but you do need to move on and let him be the father and husband he needs to be for his family.



slushie -> RE: Dont know where I was to put this... (6/23/2008 4:31:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

I think you need to respect the wife. You are not his daughter and he really has no ties with you as thru your parents. He is a man that you latched onto and considered him like a fatherly figure.

The key issue was when you asked him when the two of you could hang out? You did not ask if you could visit the him and his family. The two of you should not be hanging out by yourselves!!

What his wife is saying is that you all can still be friends but nothing more..no more hanging out with him and no more referring to him as a dad...He is 31 and have no idea of your age...

It may be hard...but you do need to move on and let him be the father and husband he needs to be for his family.


I agree. Besides, he's only 11 years older than you. (OP said she was 20) To you that may seem like a lot, but it's really not that much. It's not old enough for him to be your father - that's how I see it.

He has stuff he has to do now... such as providing for his family. Maybe you should step aside a bit. When hanging out with him it can be done with the rest of the family, but not just him and you.



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