Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (Full Version)

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Jessalynn -> Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/20/2008 10:46:55 PM)

As a full-time student in college, also working part-time, I live at home with my parents until I can support myself. I am thankful that my parents have allowed me to live at home - college is expensive! I enjoy living at home. However, I struggle because my parents who have been married for twenty four years are miserable.

Both parents work full-time jobs to support themselves and my sixteen year old brother and I. They have always supported our dreams and goals. I have been so blessed to have their love.

The struggle I am facing is with their relationship with eachother. Some of the incidents I observe between them are emotional distance by their persistent negativity and hestitance toward helping the other. This has been occuring for years and I am torn up because the say they stay together for us (my brother and I) but they aren't happy. My dad constantly downtalks my mom in front of me, and likewise my mom about my dad. As a result, both of them have decreasing health and have a weakened will toward their lives. Sometimes I find myself feeling pushed away.

I don't want to escape the problem - I just pray for them. Does anyone identify with the situation? What advice would you give to coping? Is there anything I could be doing or doing differently? Thank you for your help!



Roberta_ -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/21/2008 12:41:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jessalynn
My dad constantly downtalks my mom in front of me, and likewise my mom about my dad.


Set some boundaries. You need to make it very clear to both of them that they can't do that to you because it hurts you!

quote:

I don't want to escape the problem - I just pray for them. Does anyone identify with the situation? What advice would you give to coping? Is there anything I could be doing or doing differently? Thank you for your help!


My mother bad-mouthed my father until about 10 years ago and they've been divorced over 30 years. I don't know what made her stop. I never said anything to her because I wasn't brave enough to set boundaries for myself.

((((hugs)))) I'll be in prayer for you and your family.



Jessalynn -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/21/2008 6:25:52 AM)

Thank you DenimDiva! I appreciate your empathy and advice.

Speaking up to my parents may set my boundaries that respect my feelings. I often was afraid to say anything for the fear of making it worse. For example, when they vent to me, they are hurt and almost volatile. Sometimes I fear saying a word because they'll put it on me that I'm being "selfish."

Thank you for your prayers - I cannot express how touched I am.



Roberta_ -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/21/2008 6:37:32 AM)

Talk to them when they are not angry.



slushie -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/21/2008 1:21:38 PM)

Continue praying. It sure hurts for me to see that happen, even though my parents have been together for 18 years and they're very happy. Are your parents Christians?



Jessalynn -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/22/2008 8:02:57 AM)

Yes , my parents are Christians. It's apparent by their apathy to take responsibility that their faith is limited to an hour on Sundays.

Thank you DenimDiva, and Slushie - I am comforted by your thoughts and prayers.

I have learned that I want to empower my marriage someday from what my parents didn't have. Do you think that their marriage would be different if their focus was redirected on the Lord?



Roberta_ -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/22/2008 12:03:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jessalynn

Do you think that their marriage would be different if their focus was redirected on the Lord?


Yes. Every part of our lives would be better if we would direct that area on the Lord.



colliefan -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/22/2008 3:53:15 PM)

Refuse to allow them to suck you up on their issues and realize that you will not be the glue that keeps them together. Pray for them. Find a good Christian female friend that will give you space to vent. As you have said, learn from their mistakes so you will not repeat them in your marriage.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/22/2008 6:36:11 PM)

I am not sure if I can help you here or not but I feel compelled to respond.

I lived in a situation similar to yours. My parents worked different shifts and rarely spent time together. They didn't bad mouth each other only because they ignored each other more often then not. They separated twice before finally getting divorced. My parents were not Christian and neither was I at that time. They never really spent quality time with us girls either. I know that led me to finding ways for attention (good and bad). My older sisters taught me most of what growing up was about. Unfortunately, it was not good things.

Looking back on it now, I should have said something. Maybe if they knew that their actions were affecting me, it could have gave them time to reflect. I don't think most parents realize that their children are really being hurt by their actions. It's like tunnel vision. They can only see their own hurts and needs, not anyone else's. I would take an active role and let them know your feelings. If they choose to still do nothing, at least they know you are hurt. I would do as someone else suggested, find a strong christian woman to be a mentor. We all need someone to vent to.



Jessalynn -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/23/2008 11:03:40 AM)

Last night, my dad had failed to do something he promised, and instead invested his time elsewhere. I spoke with my mom because she empathizes better than my dad. She said that she doesn't allow him to affect her happiness anymore - he'll pay the price for what he's failed to do.

I am thankful for my mom's words, but I am still hurt by the division. However, I will learn from my parents' mistakes. Seeing how their marriage has affected my brother and I, I know I envision something more prosperous for my family someday.

I am so comforted through all of your stories, and advice. Isn't so hard to grasp that we cannot choose our parents but we can choose our friends?! I will lean on a female friend who will make it safe for me to express my heart.

I have to continually remind myself that I cannot let the issues of my parents steal my joy.

God bless you all!



pbaribeault -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/24/2008 12:04:01 PM)

I understand that you were disappointed in your dad's choice and that talking it out is helpful... but I'd advise you not to use your mom for this purpose.

It just tells her that her attitude towards your dad is the right one, and that you are on her side against him. (Not that you are, just that she might see this conversation that way.)

It invites her to have similar conversations with you, where she vents to you her disappointments in her husband... then you don't have a leg to stand on when you want to say, "I don't like hearing this stuff."

She might even use the conversation to bite at her husband, telling him that he is a disappointment as a father too... I really hope not.

Your goal is to let them manage their own relationship, without you having to deal with their business. Don't put yourself into this context any more. Don't talk to your mom about your dad. Don't talk to your dad about your mom. Don't let them talk to you about each other. (Unless it is a good thing that you want to say, and a positive conversation all around.)

As you said, next time you are disappointed in a parent, call a friend.



DaveW -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 7:51:56 AM)

This may sound a bit calous or formulaic, but take it for what its worth.

If your home congregation has a counseling service, you need to talk to a counselor on this struggle, not necessarily to fix your parents but to get a handle on how you are dealing with it. If that is not available you should speak to your pastor and get a referal to a christian bible based counseling service.

Perhaps, if you find a good counselor and are helped, you can gently suggest to your mom (or dad if you are closer to him) that you have struggled with their distance and got a lot of help from X, and thought that she (or he) might find this counselor beneficial as well.

Suggesting counseling to your parents is optional. Getting it for yourself IMO is not.



daisies4u -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 9:56:36 AM)

quote:

Set some boundaries. You need to make it very clear to both of them that they can't do that to you because it hurts you!


I guess I see this differently than everyone else. You are an adult living in your parents home. This is not about you. You can't tell your parents that they cannot do something because of how it afffects you. You can let them know how it makes you feel. But you cannot dictact how you (an adult) expect to be treated in thier home or how you expect the home to be run.

You definately should talk to both parents (separately) about what you are seeing. They may not realize how you and your brother are perceiving things. Although, the comment about her not letting him affect her happiness make me think she does.

It could be that your parents are not happy but are staying together for you and your brother or for some other reason (maybe financial?). That is sad, but it is their choice. As an adult, all you can do is be there for both of them and more importantly, pray for them!



pbaribeault -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 11:14:56 AM)

quote:

You can't tell your parents that they cannot do something because of how it afffects you. You can let them know how it makes you feel. But you cannot dictact how you (an adult) expect to be treated in thier home or how you expect the home to be run.

There's a distinction here that I think needs to be made. I agree that the OP can not tell her parents what to do, how to run their lives, relationship or household.

However, she does have a right to determine how she will allow people to speak to her and interact with her. She is able to (and needs to) decide what she is willing to deal with, and firmly ask her parents to stop involving her in ways that make her uncomfortable.

If she is only a bystander she has no say, and can only state her discomfort or simply walk away. Interactions that involve her directly are another matter.



Roberta_ -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 11:45:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

quote:

You can't tell your parents that they cannot do something because of how it effects you. You can let them know how it makes you feel. But you cannot dictate how you (an adult) expect to be treated in their home or how you expect the home to be run.

There's a distinction here that I think needs to be made. I agree that the OP can not tell her parents what to do, how to run their lives, relationship or household.

However, she does have a right to determine how she will allow people to speak to her and interact with her. She is able to (and needs to) decide what she is willing to deal with, and firmly ask her parents to stop involving her in ways that make her uncomfortable.

If she is only a bystander she has no say, and can only state her discomfort or simply walk away. Interactions that involve her directly are another matter.


exactly.



daisies4u -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 12:08:46 PM)

quote:

she does have a right to determine how she will allow people to speak to her and interact with her.


That is true. But they are not speaking to her, they are speaking to each other. She just doesn't like it.



pbaribeault -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 12:11:55 PM)

I was assuming that she was included in the "downtalking" Such as, "See how wasteful your mother is." and "I guess a man that doesn't care enough to come home on time doesn't care very much, don't you think?"

It's fair to ask that they keep her out of their quarrels.



preserved -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/26/2008 4:11:54 PM)

Jessalynn,

When your mother starts to talk about your father in a negative way to you...simply tell her that you really do not care to hear about it or simply leave her presence...The same goes for your father. Both of your parents are pitting you between them. Sorry to hear that their marriage is not working out and they should not allowed you to be in the middle of their issues and differences. Since they are not happy with each other...what's the saying misery loves company...and you are the company...



buckifn -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/27/2008 9:32:30 AM)

You say the problem has been going on between them "for years" so my guess is it is now becoming more of an issue for you because you are maturing more and able to see and discern a lot more of the tension and negativity.

I think it would be best for you to focus on moving out on your own, becoming independent of your parent's and allow them to deal with their marriage as they see fit...Have you suggested both of them seek counseling with the Pastor?

Even if you have to resort to going to school part-time for a bit while working and saving money to move out the peace of mind would be worth it for you.

What you have described is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned, esp. you..A parent's marriage is totally between them not you..they are really wrong to use you for a sounding board and don't be surprised if they one day regret doing so.

Learning to take care of your own mental well being is also a part of maturing.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Struggling Daughter with Parents' Broken Marriage (6/27/2008 10:16:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

I understand that you were disappointed in your dad's choice and that talking it out is helpful... but I'd advise you not to use your mom for this purpose.

It just tells her that her attitude towards your dad is the right one, and that you are on her side against him. (Not that you are, just that she might see this conversation that way.)

It invites her to have similar conversations with you, where she vents to you her disappointments in her husband... then you don't have a leg to stand on when you want to say, "I don't like hearing this stuff."

She might even use the conversation to bite at her husband, telling him that he is a disappointment as a father too... I really hope not.

Your goal is to let them manage their own relationship, without you having to deal with their business. Don't put yourself into this context any more. Don't talk to your mom about your dad. Don't talk to your dad about your mom. Don't let them talk to you about each other. (Unless it is a good thing that you want to say, and a positive conversation all around.)

As you said, next time you are disappointed in a parent, call a friend.



I remember having to deal with this with my parents. My mother was so hurt when I told her that she couldn't share her marital struggles with me, and that I didn't want to hear bad talk from either one of them. It was hard for me too because I hated to see them hurting and wish that I could help, but it was tearing me apart. Mostly I just wanted to hear something good, but that didn't happen. When I talked to my mom about this (dad was not approachable) I had ready a list of people that my mom trusted and was friends with that she could confide in. I let her know that even though I was grown that I was still the child of this family and listening to their marital troubles and complaints was not within my role as their child.

You may want to refer your mom to a victims abuse advocate that can be gotten through the victims abuse hotline. I know that this may sound weird, but I wish that I had done this years ago. I just didn't realize the extent of what was happening. It will give your mom someone to talk to that is appropriate. I say "mom" because my dad wouldn't be open to it at all. Your situation may be different.

I advise this for several reasons:

1. They could help your mom (and your dad) get/find the help they need without putting you in the middle. That is not where you belong.

2. They may decide that your dad is abusive (sometimes we just don't see it) or your mom even, and be able to help your parents themselves. They won't MAKE them separate so please don't worry about that. If your parents were in danger for their lives that might change, but that doesn't sound likely at all from what you describe.

3. If your mom is an adult survivor of abuse (like I am) they will be there for her to talk to. I can call my advocate for free anytime and I could receive free counceling if I wanted it as well. So it wouldn't be just for abuse between them. Sometimes we carry on the things that we learn and feel into our marriages and we are unable to stop the negative cycles ourselves.

I say all that because I don't want you to feel like you shouldn't call them just because your parents are not abusive. They may not be, but these people will help them find the help that they do need... whatever it is. And your parents may be dealing with deep hurts that they have never told you about that is affecting how they relate to each other now. It is an easy place to start.

Anyway, I am really proud of you for recognizing that you shouldn't have to listen to your parent's complaints about each other and realizing that it isn't our job to fix their marriage. Children have a natural desire to fix their parent's marriages when they aren't going well.

Also, I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. While we are not perfect, The family that we have is nothing like the one that I grew up in. Keep your focus, pray continually, communicate continually. You can be the beginning of a new generation with a Godly inheritance. The efforts of your parents don't have to be wasted, but can be rewarded.



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