Life so far

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swrundeep -> Life so far (6/21/2008 12:50:49 AM)
This is my first post and it is about not receiving God's promises. Single man, 45, never married and no kids. Parents died when I was a kid. I have no grandparents, cousins or family except for a sister across the country I see once every 5 years, so that is not much. All my 'friends' have their own lives and have drifted apart. I see less and less of them every year to the point where this year I have had barely any contact with them. I don't blame them, they have their own lives and families. You may be seeing my point. I am quite lonely and wondering if this is all life will be. I have never had a desire to have kids of my own but I would like a life partner. In case I was not ready and needed molding or growth, I have prayed repeatedly for years asking God what I needed to learn or become before he brought me into a real genuine close relationship. I have studied his word, counted on the verses that are applicable and been patient for years. I believe I am abiding in his word and not adrift. Every where I look I see other people moving forward in life, making progress, growing, etc - but not for me. It seems once you are in middle age people have an invisible force field about them that says "I have enough people and activity in my life" and they keep you at arms length. I am an open and genuine person, one who doesn't smother others or makes demands. You hear people advise all the time - just do what you enjoy and people will find you. Well I like gardening but did not meet anyone in my garden. I enjoy history, poetry, politics and literature, but did not find anyone while reading or at the library. Sometimes I wonder if some people are just predestined to a certain life. Last year I visited a church in another city. Afterwards everybody had a roundtable discussion about the question "Is Jesus all you need?". One by one everybody went on about for them, yes Jesus is all they need because he fullfills all their needs, wants and prayers. I would have to say, no. My needs of human relationships are not met and haven't since I was a kid. I have had numerous conversations with a Christian coworker about this and am always told to read a stack of christian self help books and that I am not right with God. But I am right with God. I am very grateful to him for the many blessings I have in life. Yes I am blessed and am grateful. However people NEED relationships with others. Studies have shown people who do not, are more prone to disease, depression, etc, etc. I do not want to be famous. Do not want to be rich. Do not want status symbols but do need a few close lasting relationships. Some people are meant to be single, but I believe those are the ones who have NO desire to be married. I do have a desire for a close relationship leading to marriage so I would say since I have that desire, I am not meant to be single. My life is passing me by, I have done everything I have learned to do, been patient and abided in his word. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that Jesus is not all we need. We also need his promise manifested of an abundant and satisfying life for those who abide in him. For me that has not happened and my batteries are extremely worn down.

blue1914 -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 7:03:53 AM)
Genesis 2:18 18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." When someone tells you that there is no need for companionship, you might point them right back here-because remember, Adam had not only the spirit of God with him, he spoke with God on a daily basis and even HE needed a companion. All that aside, to your question of "why not now"-I really don't know, but I do know this one thing-God's timing is perfect so wait on it. I know of a guy like you at my church-he's done all he knows how to do to be obedient, he's sought God on it and tried to live as He should-but He does not have a mate. He has come to the place of frustration to the point where he is ready to take matters into his own hands and of course, we both know that that is not the way to go-it's not the way for you either. If God himself made the declaration above in His word, then He will fulfill it. I'll be praying for you that the Lord leads you to whatever He has for you in life. I'm sorry I don't have much more than that to say, I just did want to comment that anyone who would try to make you feel guilty for seeking a companion is WAY off base-Jesus is all that we need, indeed, but because He loves us, one of the things He sends us is companions if we desire them.

SonInMe1 -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 7:41:30 AM)
Do you ask ladies out? Involved in ministries or hobbies where there is social interaction? It seems, you might be a little passive. Women are drawn to strength. A leader. Someone who will take charge.

Szaftoo -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 8:47:36 AM)
Welcome. What steps, if any, have you taken to meet people? You mentioned church, is that the only place you look?

swrundeep -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 2:32:54 PM)
I will try to not make this appear as if I am negative or complaining. This is just the objective facts of the situation... I live in a small city of 20,000 that is in a rural part of the state. Other nearby cities are only slightly larger. The nearest urban center is at least 2 hour drive. The church of my preference doesn't even have a branch here. The church I do attend locally is almost exclusively older, married couples. I never see middle aged or singles there. Yes there are other denominations and I have visited them but they are filled with young college aged singles. Also I do not identify with those denominations. Yes, I am a little reserved. Not shy, and certainly not afraid to asking women out. I am not one to shout over anyone and so may be misconstrued as quiet or shy. I make my words matter. I like environmental issues and in the past was active in a local organization. Every meeting/event is attended by the same group of married couples. It is a inner circle of the same people. I do not play guitar in a rock band. I do not ride a Harley. I am not some local athlete or celebrity. I do not hang out in bars. All those things are common popular means of meeting people. As I said, I like intellectual pursuits, nature, homecraft things, none of which are (lets face it this is a draw) - macho things that are found attractive. I am comfortable with my likes, dislikes, opinions and views. I know what is right for me and what is not. But lets face it, a guy who doesn't have the outwardly macho activities I mentioned is not going to draw attention to himself. This is a shame because I could discuss public policy with the best of them, paint a serene scene in someone's mind that draws serenity to both and write a poem in iambic pentameter that captivates the moment. Yet those are not enough in today's society. I always hear, when the time is right, someone will come along. God is just preparing you both for that eventuality. I have heard that for years. If I wait much longer I will be dead. I believe you have to take action as well the problem is all my efforts to meet people are thwarted. I have tried online dating but have had bad results. Met a few nice people there but it didn't materialize. I could write a book on the problems with online dating, but I can summarize it with these two points: 1. I have found the web is a subtle drug that makes people impatient. In the old days when people met others in the real world, they had to learn about them over time. There was no other option. They learned the good, the bad and the in between before forming a value judgment of wanting to date them. In other words, they heard the whole song. Now with the web, they spend 20 seconds reading your 150 word profile, glance at one photo that may not represent you - and then decide they know all you have ever been, all that you are and all that you will ever be. If this does not meet their expectations in totality then its click, click onto the next. Bottom line? They decide whether to correspond without even scratching the tip of the iceberg. 2. I have found women do not maintain communication despite nothing bad occuring. This has happened many times to me. Start messaging somebody and a few communications take place that are all good, decent and interesting. Then either they stop or their schedule is so busy they can never agree to meet for coffee in the real world. If people do not maintain communication or take it the next level of meeting in a safe place to get to know the other, then the situation will quickly wither and dry up and then they will stop talking. I have wracked my brain thinking of what I need to learn or how to do things differently but come up with nothing. I am polite, respectful, witty and wash behind my ears. I am fighting the urge to become bitter and am desparately trying to stay positive. I do NOT care if a relationship takes a long time to develop. I just want the journey of a thousand miles to begin. Any relationship can be diagrammed as follows: Pictue a long horizontal line. Label the left end A and the right end B. Point A is where any two people meet, shake hands and say "pleased to meet you". Point B is the time where it becomes clear where their relationship is headed, either as a couple or a breakup. The line in between is the time for this to occur. It could be days, weeks, months or years. Too many people I find, do not want to even get to point A. Sorry about the long diatribe. To conclude, I almost feel like a puppet on a string where every attempt I make to form a social life, the puppetmaster closes a door and thwarts my attempts. I do not understand the spiritual underpinnings going on and I am becoming disillusioned. Thanks for listening - if you made it this far.

CherishedbyGod -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 3:02:46 PM)
(((swrundeep))) What does your name mean?

_CANCELLED_ -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 3:52:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CherishedbyGod (((swrundeep))) What does your name mean? I'm guessing 'still waters run deep'. I think you might need to acquire some outside interests b'c as you said, you can't meet someone in your garden. Volunteer for functions of your interests. It's hard to tell just how you might be coming across to people online and why your online acquaintances don't stick around. If I might be so bold as to just come out with it, you sound very glum. Do you sound that way when you're chatting with people? Isn't there something that you could find joy in that you could do to bring that out in you and let it shine to people? Maybe you just sound glum b'c you're trying to depict what you're going through but joy and confidence, I know, is irresistible to people. Like I tell my kids, if you don't feel confident, fake it until you do. Maybe you have unrealistic expectation? I don't know. I'm basically saying give yourself a thorough self-examination of how you think people may see you. I'm sorry. I'm know that wasn't any help. [:(]

Walker311 -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 7:08:52 PM)
It all sounds very safe... all the things that you like to do. You may think that you are well aquainted with risk and chance but from what I've read, you fall short. Relationships are full of risk and chance. Maybe you have given up! I'm 4 years older than you and see a lot of you in me but the difference is I have a family. It is never too late. I was reading about a 115 year old woman who has astounded scientists with how sharp her mind was all the way to her death. You could have another 50 or so years but if you keep doing the "safe" stuff, you won't leave much behind to show for it. The bible says that the prayers of a righteous man availeth much. God knows you heart... pray about this and take a chance. God Bless!

thedivabrat -> RE: Life so far (6/21/2008 8:16:19 PM)
Maybe there is too much concentration in looking for "someone". Enjoy the people who are in your life while searching for a companion. It takes time and patience and work to encourage and sustain friendships. What about the friends who have drifted-who did the drifting? Try and reconnect with someone. And are the people you know aware of your desire for a mate? Believe me there are lots of folks who love to help others find that special person.

4IMPersuaded -> RE: Life so far (6/22/2008 7:26:46 PM)
Hi-- and welcome to the forums. It is so difficult to tell a whole story through a single or even a handful of posts. Clearly this is a struggle that you have been wrestling with over a long period of time. I'm sure you've heard all of the trite, cliche answers. I heard similar ones as my dh and I struggled through years and years of infertility. Two things that helped me through the long years of waiting for God to fulfill the desire of my heart... 1) God made a promise to Abraham and didn't fulfill it until he was 100 years old. In the mean time, God remained with Abraham and heard his prayer. 2) God is faithful and will not place in your heart a desire that He doesn't intend to satisfy. If He does not intend for you to have a mate and you have been earnest in seeking His will, he would remove that desire and you would be satisfied. The kicker is to wait upon Him. He may be working on her! She may have some things to work out with Him before she is ready. All I know is that you mustn't run ahead of God's timing. As you have likely found out, it usually doesn't end well. I know this, when He finally does WOW you with His faithfulness, you will hardly be able to contain your joy and it will be better than you imagined. Take heart, friend, your God hears you and has not abandoned you.

deermousie -> RE: Life so far (6/22/2008 7:39:22 PM)
Welcome to the forums, brother in the Lord! quote: ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded 1) God made a promise to Abraham and didn't fulfill it until he was 100 years old. In the mean time, God remained with Abraham and heard his prayer. Ha! No kidding! God promised Abraham a son when he was 75, and when he was 99 God told him he'd have a son the next year. His wife overheard this and laughed in derision. An old man having a kid! ... But he did. Isaac means "laughter" and this is where his name came from. God does things His own way and we don't always see them coming. Abraham wound up having 14 kids in all from his body. God is outrageous, so keep crying out to Him and expect an answer. God hasn't warehoused you, but He is doing something. Thank Him in advance (that's faith, that God will fulfill his promises) and rejoice ahead of time. That's really hard because our flesh isn't in to that, but the Spirit is. [:)] Meanwhile, since you like to garden, why not join a Master Gardener class? Or teach one yourself? Join a history class, and take part in a historical reinactment - they're a blast! My DH is an amateur blacksmith and does this for fun. Your library probably has programs going on and clubs that meet there; find out. Volunteer somewhere to meet your people needs - DD and I are working in the kitchen at the local rescue mission, and it's been surprisingly satisfying. We came to give and wound up getting. I am praying for you today, that God will answer you and meet your needs (that He gave you!), not only in Himself but in other people. God bless you, brother. Take heart and see what God does - and let us know so we can rejoice with you!

BibleL7 -> RE: Life so far (6/22/2008 11:23:52 PM)
swrundeep Trust in the Lord. Yes about the only comfort we have is the factor that Abraham waited 25 years before God gave him the son of promise, and sometimes that just does not seem enough. Continue in prayer, bible study and praise and worship. Continue in the church congregation you are attending. Continue doing what you like doing. If something comes up in that area that you are interested and you feel like getting involved do so. In the mean time the church is your family. Yea I know it does not seem that way but they truly can be more like a family than you know. As for the woman, we both realize that waiting on the Lord is the answer. It is not easy in fact at times it is downright frustrating, at those times we need to praise Him. And as for those who are as miserable comforters just like Jobs 3 friends we just need to IGGY them cause they just make things worse. And I can see from the posts so far there are many such posting in this thread. I can only say you are not the only one with the same feelings on this subject. I am a few years older than you and am very much in the same boat. I pray, pray and pray and when I get fed up I talk to the Lord about it. Yet we can not give up hope. I know it is tempting to give up hope and many will say you just need more faith or your not doing this or that right, dont believe it. Why the Lord makes us wait I can not guess but I will not and can not give up hope. I will keep you in prayers for a wife and would ask you to keep me in prayer for one as well. Lord Bless BTW I think we need to pray for blessing for those poor comforters just as Job was told to pray for his friends. It will help us to not be bitter towards them and their advice.

tapestry -> RE: Life so far (6/23/2008 10:37:12 AM)
How about moving? I know several people who where in the same boat as you are now, that chose to move and ended up meeting the love of their life. A bit radical, but sometimes a complete change is just what a person needs. You have no family and few friends to hold you where you are and your church is not doing you much good either. A move across the country could give a fresh outlook and a new persective on things.

SavedByGraceMD -> RE: Life so far (6/23/2008 6:28:26 PM)
Hello and welcome Have you at any times felt Him pulling you or guiding you in any direction. Towards a certain woman, or maybe a move to a different place or to try something new? Even though I do agree that we should put these things in His hands, and let Him guide us, there are also times where we may miss His nudges and miss the opportunities He has presented to us. Others will come though, if that is what He has planned for you. You need to take this to Him, and pray about it. You may be doing that, and if so just keep doing it. It may also be that you need to take some initiative and go try some new things, and meet some new people. We don't need to help Him, since He does not need our help, but it may be what you are supposed to be doing, instead of just waiting. Take care and good luck with your search.

GroupW -> RE: Life so far (6/23/2008 6:47:19 PM)
Sometimes the only answer is to keep on trying and persevere. I got married a bit late in life as did nearly all my friends. Most of my friends married in their very late 30's, 40's and even 50's. Like you, these were intelligent, attractive, well adjusted people. One was a school principal, another an advertising exec for a mid-size bank, yet another a lab tech. One was an accountant and business manager for a small multi-business holding company, and another a military chaplain and nonprofit fundraiser. They wanted to be married, did all the right things to get married (and none of the WRONG things). Like Job, sometimes life just doesn't go the way we want and we grope in the dark for reasons why. Sometimes the only answer is that God just seemed to want us to have to wait for it, much like C.S. Lewis did. I think this is all true, but I am the first to acknowledge that it's not emotionally very satisfying. I hear you though. It's frustrating. By the way, this was all near a major metropolitan area. It's not limited to being a small town phenomenon. It happens just as much in big cities.

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