RE: How would you respond? (Full Version)

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Roberta_ -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 10:07:29 PM)

Every child hates their parents at one time or another in life. While it's hard for the parent to hear, it's really just the child learning how to express themselves.



sen10tious -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 10:09:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truthrevealed

I've never been able to understand children being allowed to say such things to a parent without a stern warning to watch what they say and to whom.


I think parents have to be given a bit of credit/credibility here for knowing if their child was overwhelmed with internal anger or if he was being outwardly manipulative or testing to get a rise out of the parent. For most kids in most situations, when they say, "I hate you," they are playing offense, trying to manipulate or get a rise out of their parents –in which case, it is important that they do not succeed. For some kids, receiving an immediate stern warning would be interpreted as successfully getting a rise out of their parent. For those children the "instruction" part should happen later when they are calmer.



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 11:03:44 PM)

29ballons no, my comment to manda was in reference to and about her posts.



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 11:17:58 PM)

sen10...As a PARENT and because I've already responded similarly to the issue you raise, I should be given credit for knowing and understanding just a wee bit ;-) the nature of a child. However, I'm looking for no credit :-). I've already stated that I understand that there are SOME things that we shouldn't make much issue of with children because, as a parent, I understand the tool of manipulation, I understand feelings of anger etc. etc. Obviously, we as parents need to "pick our battles" with our children and FOR ME, I would and indeed HAVE given STERN warnings to MY children about the things they say and HOW they say it--It's been most effective in my home so the bottom line is...whatever works best in your home and for your children go for it! ;-)



zoebob -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 11:28:00 PM)

I think that maybe what manda means when she finds it amusing when kids say things like "I hate you" is that it's somewhat amusing that a child will think that the parent will just melt and be besides themselves that the child is mad at them. When a child says something like that they are usually thinking "Mom will be so upset if I say this that she will just do whatever she can to make me happy again" That just isn't what's going to happen. As others have said my happiness and emotional well-being isn't based on how my child may say they feel about me.

Also, I know with my own DS sometimes when he is angry and trying to come across as mad and don't mess with me it is amusing. They think they are so tough and scary and they just aren't.



zoebob -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 11:33:26 PM)

Oh, and I figure if my child feels like they hate me then I'm probably doing something right.



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/23/2008 3:32:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zoebob
I think that maybe what manda means when she finds it amusing when kids say things like "I hate you" is that it's somewhat amusing that a child will think that the parent will just melt and be besides themselves that the child is mad at them. When a child says something like that they are usually thinking "Mom will be so upset if I say this that she will just do whatever she can to make me happy again" That just isn't what's going to happen. As others have said my happiness and emotional well-being isn't based on how my child may say they feel about me.

Also, I know with my own DS sometimes when he is angry and trying to come across as mad and don't mess with me it is amusing. They think they are so tough and scary and they just aren't.




Yes, that is absolutely it, zoebob! [:)]



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/23/2008 8:36:38 AM)

when I was growing up my mom's response to that one (that I remember very vividly) was "Well then, I must be doing something right". I remember questioning her about that (I must have been about five or so) and she took that opportunity to show me the scriptures that were written to parents about how to raise your child in certain ways...and she explained to me that my feelings towards their decision might be that I hated it but that their decision was still going to be to follow God's conviction in that area.

as far as amusing, I too find it a slight bit amusing how God created the mind to work and grow and mature. I might not *love* the two year old tantrum stage, but I still find it amusing that a child can go through that assertion of their own will and come out alive on the other end!!! I mean, seriously....if I didn't laugh at some things (like this) then I would go insane and possibly go off on my kids over things that were not IMO necessarily worth it. The amusement factor isn't going to keep me from dealing with the behavior in my child, but it is going to keep me grounded in the way I deal with it.



IonMoon -> RE: How would you respond? (6/23/2008 9:00:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
"I don't care" and "You didn't love me in the first place or you wouldn't treat me like this" don't seem to be getting through. Any ideas, suggestions would be appreciated...


I would never say either of the two above, because they are not true. I have always ignored it completely & just dealt with the behavior.

I have also known people who say "Well, I know you are angry, and so am I. But even when I am angry with you, I still love you."

Also wanted to add... consistant discipline needn't be "hard." Consistency is vital, but it can be gentle.

Tara P



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you respond? (6/24/2008 12:51:51 PM)

I've not faced this, but I'm finding the discussion interesting.

My question is (for those of you who have experienced this) do you assess that the child who is saying "I hate you" is actually experiencing hatred, knows what the word 'hate' means and is using it accurately? (Some children actually do hate their parents, but most, I would think, do not... Hate is not momentary, and it is not an emotion... And if they do really hate them, that's not a right situation.)

If they really are experiencing hatred, I would probably not discipline them for saying so.

If not (if the child is experiencing strong anger, rage, fury, intense frustration, fear, overwhelming personal antagonism, a sense of disgust) and is using 'hate' because it is the most explosive word they know... Then what are they trying to do? Are they are trying to make an impact on the parent? Trying to express the feelings in an intense enough way, lacking the detailed vocabulary?

Then I would consider reprimanding them for using such a strong word that did not accurately reflect what they were experiencing. Intentional disrespect, the attempt to 'punish' a parent emotionally, or simple hurtful misuse of language... these are all concepts that need both teaching and possibly consequences... Maybe not in the moment, though.

'Hate' is a real word with a real meaning, which is both relationally and theologically significant. I think it is important that we guide our children to understand and use it in all it's fullness.



PrincessDonna -> RE: How would you respond? (6/24/2008 12:56:10 PM)

When my children are to the point of saying they hate me, they are usually too tired or upset to speak rationally with anyway. They usually get sent to their room for some time alone, with a reminder that if they cannot treat members of the family with kindness, then they need some time by themselves until they can.

Honestly, it has happened so often now that I don't let it upset me, but I also don't let it slide either. For my kids, no response or a joking response would only aggravate things. Usually, when they are sent to their room, they end up taking a nap, which was really the problem in the first place, and then when they get up, we either just let it go or talk to them about not saying things we don't mean. We always give them permission to say they need some time alone BEFORE it gets to that blowing up point, and the older two are starting to sometimes see when they need that time and take it on their own.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: How would you respond? (6/24/2008 1:24:26 PM)

This has only happened to me once, and it was with Thing 2. He was so mad at me and when he screamed "I HATE YOU!" his eyes grew wide as if he were afraid of my response but stood his ground.

I merely told him, "That is your right to feel that way. However, know that no matter how much your behaviour saddens me I will always love you." and simply left the room.

Ten minutes later he was in my lap bawling his eyes out with remorse. It hasn't happened since. [:)]



Christian30 -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 2:16:26 AM)

STatement at hand: I hate you!

Well, I'm not into analyzing what they may or may not mean. At young ages our children said that to each other, but not many times, because they got spanked when they did. Had they said it to us, we would have reminded them that we loved them, but still disciplined them, whether they were FEEEEELING hate or not.

To tell someone you hate them is manipulative, and children should be trained to not do it. They might stop doing it to parents for a time, but they will do it to a spouse to manipulate them. This stems from childhood, and tendencies that are allowed. Very early in my marriage (many years ago) my wife got mad and told me that she hated me and I assurred her that I lost much respect for her that would take a lot of time and mending to get back. I would do what I am about to say now, but at that time (due to beliefs), I would have taken her at her word and not lived with her another day no matter what. She never did it again. She was raised in a house where that type of behavior was allowed and I was not, so to me it was a big deal.



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 9:36:22 AM)

If she had really hated you when she said it, then it would not have been an attempt to manipulate you. If she had been trained to use the word accurately, she would have known that it was not true in the average situation, and that using it it was likely to ruin a marriage. Following the idea of teaching the reality of hate does not result in free use of the word in damaging or manipulative ways. It leads to being able to make clear and correct statements.

I hate evil. I hate sin. I hate it when evil happens to people, especially vulnerable people. I hate to see hurt and brokenness.

A child that actually hates their parents has probably been abused... thoroughly. Hate is not a "FEEEEEELING" and is never momentary. Hate means the strongly held perspective that a relationship is severed, without recourse, and that the problem is such that even eventual forgiveness could not conceivably lead to reconciliation. I might go so far as to say that hate is the gift of being able to cauterize a wound.

Fury is something else. If one is enraged or furious, one should say that, and save "hate" for what it really means. Children should be trained to use their words accurately, and never to lie, such as using "hate" as an attempt to manipulate. Hate is a big deal, and so is lieing - but lets not get rid of the real use of a word just because little children use it wrongly at first.



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 9:47:49 AM)

When my children were old enough to understand, I taught them that to hate someone meant that if that person had fallen over a cliff, and were hanging on by their fingertips, instead of saving them, you'd walk away, or even stamp on their hands to make them fall. I said to them that unless they felt that about someone, they shouldn't say it, because they should only ever say what they meant, and mean what they said.

I don't think spanking (or otherwise punishing) a child for saying they hated someone will stop them hating. In fact, it could merely make the child repress whatever feelings they had which led to them saying it, without ever being able to properly understand and process their feelings.



2shaye -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 12:13:23 PM)

I'm surprised at how many of you have experienced this. My kids have never said that to me. When they were very little, and their language was not too developed, we taught them about basic emotions - happy, sad, sleepy, angry, etc. They were able to always say, "I'm angry with you" or "I'm sad at you" ([:D]). This would convey their emotions to us in an appropriate way. I don't think I would have tolerated being told my child hated me, but instead, identified what they were feeling and help them express it in a more correct way.



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 12:26:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2shaye
When they were very little, and their language was not too developed, we taught them about basic emotions - happy, sad, sleepy, angry, etc.


So did we.

quote:


They were able to always say, "I'm angry with you" or "I'm sad at you" ([:D]).


So were mine. One of them would sometimes do this, sometimes not. He'd more often say "I don't love you" than "I hate you". When he was in a better frame of mind, I'd explain that it was more likely that he was cross with me, than didn't love me.

quote:


I don't think I would have tolerated being told my child hated me, but instead, identified what they were feeling and help them express it in a more correct way.


Absolutely, but IMO it helps to wait for the best moment to do this, not when they are wound up, tired, or whatever.



Auben -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 1:03:56 PM)

Hate can be a very confusing (and vague) word to a small child. You hate vegetables and you can hate sin. Like love, it depends a lot on context for it's shade of meaning. That's something that's important to explain (later) but not all children understand the social connotations of using the word for people. Or they do and they use it because of that (like swearing it makes impact).

In that situation I would probably frown and tell them very seriously that I was sorry to hear that because I love them and God made it my job to help them learn how life works. No matter what I have to do a good job to help them learn and grow. And then I would leave them somewhere to think about that and cool down.



justjennhere -> RE: How would you respond? (7/7/2008 10:08:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_

This has only happened to me once, and it was with Thing 2. He was so mad at me and when he screamed "I HATE YOU!" his eyes grew wide as if he were afraid of my response but stood his ground.

I merely told him, "That is your right to feel that way. However, know that no matter how much your behaviour saddens me I will always love you." and simply left the room.

Ten minutes later he was in my lap bawling his eyes out with remorse. It hasn't happened since. [:)]


Aww! [:(] (Those are "how sweet tears," not sad ones! [:)])

Wow. My oldest is just now turning two, so I'm so totally not to this stage quite yet, but it's good to read all of y'all's wisdom and be prepared!



TooLoudx4 -> RE: How would you respond? (7/8/2008 4:24:02 AM)

You know that's what always happens. I hear all these good suggestions now after the fact and that I wished that I had known about it all much sooner [:)] I needed to hear all this 8 yrs. ago [:)] Maybe my life would be less crazy (ya right). Four kids later and I'm the one going crazy [sm=rollingeyes.gif]



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