How would you respond? (Full Version)

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VisitorinWaiting -> How would you respond? (6/21/2008 8:26:30 PM)

I have a 5 year old son. I have two other children as well, but this problem is just with him. He is very strong-willed, therefore, misbehavior is a daily thing that we deal with. I haven't been "hard" which in my mind is synonomous with consistent with him in the past, but am starting to get that way. He HATES it. He gets very angry with me, and in his anger, says, "I don't love you anymore." It really hurts me when he says that, but I feel like if he has to not love me for a while for me to get his behavior on track, then so be it...but I don't really know what to say to him. "I don't care" and "You didn't love me in the first place or you wouldn't treat me like this" don't seem to be getting through. Any ideas, suggestions would be appreciated...



kohls356 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/21/2008 9:11:55 PM)

I have had my kids say that to me and I can't think of one person I know whose kids haven't said it to them, so don't take it personally. What I usually did was say well I still love you then tell them to go do whatever it was I told them to do, or stop doing what they should stop doing etc. I think the more you make of it the bigger it becomes.



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/21/2008 9:18:14 PM)

I just used say (to my ds) "Oh well, never mind, you'll feel better soon" or "Oh well, never mind, I still love you!" and then move on, ie not give it any more attention.

That was in reponse to either "I don't love you" or even "I hate you". I actually found it amusing, but had to disguise my amusement or it would make my ds madder! lol Once I found myself saying "Oh really, that's nice!" to which he screwed up his little face into the fiercest expression and snarled "No it isn't nice" (and I had to turn away, because it was so funny!)

It isn't about their loving or not loving us, it's just about their attempts at exerting their will, and learning to wield power. IMO it's not a big deal at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
It really hurts me when he says that..... "I don't care" and "You didn't love me in the first place or you wouldn't treat me like this" don't seem to be getting through.


I wouldn't personally have used the first one, as my ds would likely have copied that reaction himself later, and it's actually a passive-aggressive or sulky reaction - I'd want to avoid teaching him that. IMO I wouldn't have used the second either, as it's taking things WAY TOO seriously and could easily bewilder a child (appearing to accuse him/her of never having loved mum).

They're trying to wield power, so IMO the best thing to do is treat it very lightly - ie don't buy into the power trip.



garsyt -> RE: How would you respond? (6/21/2008 10:39:19 PM)

My favorite comeback whenever any of my children used the "I don't love you anymore." line is this, "well as much as that hurts me, I STILL love you." and I leave it at that. That's letting the child know that that comment hurts - but regardless you still love them.

Blessings,

Garsy



Roberta_ -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 1:17:46 AM)

I used to respond with "OK, but I still love you anyway."



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 8:36:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: garsyt
My favorite comeback whenever any of my children used the "I don't love you anymore." line is this, "well as much as that hurts me, I STILL love you." and I leave it at that. That's letting the child know that that comment hurts - but regardless you still love them.



Well, I personally wouldn't even let them know that it hurt - since it was the likely intention. I wouldn't want them knowing that it "worked".



creationtalk -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 9:21:43 AM)

When my son did that, I would usually tell him, I'm very sorry to hear that, because I love you very very much.

And if the "I hate you" was in connection with something he wanted to do/have but I would not let him: Well, I love you very much and you still can not do/have _____.


Now that my son is older I've started asking him do you really hate me or are you just angry/upset because you don't get _____? When he admits that he doesn't really hate me, I tell him that he should never tell someone that he hates them because if he did, and something happened to the other person (he injected "or to him"), the last words between them would be mean...how would he feel about that. He admits that he would not like that.
I think that this second step should be delayed until the child is mature enough to think about consequences; the age will depend on the child.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 5:38:34 PM)

Here is a beautiful blog that will give insight from a different view: http://faithcommunitynetwork.com/fb.aspx?m=3549278

ETA: Get your tissues ready.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 5:43:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59


It isn't about their loving or not loving us, it's just about their attempts at exerting their will, and learning to wield power. IMO it's not a big deal at all.

They're trying to wield power, so IMO the best thing to do is treat it very lightly - ie don't buy into the power trip.

I agree. My response is "That's okay, you don't have to love me (sorta takes the wind out of their sails[;)]). But I'd be doing a lousy job of loving you if I allowed <fill in the blank>."
I think the second part is important. I'm not just telling them I love them. I'm telling them that I have a responsibility to them and to God to do what is necessary for their best. IMO it puts things into better perspective for all of us.



paul_j_preston -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 6:23:22 PM)

I've always thought it best to say, "But I still love you," and keep it at that. Kohls356 is right. Most kids have said it, and you cannot take it personally. And don't let it deter you from doing what you need to do--being consistent in discipling your son. Be sure to explain why you are correcting your son's behavior. He may be a little confused because now you are correcting things you did not always correct in the past.



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 6:25:11 PM)

(mouth hanging open or shaking head in disbelief). Children are allowed to say "I hate you" to a parent and it's amusing?!!?!!



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 6:41:40 PM)

Maybe ONCE did my 5/6(??)year old comment to me that he didn't like me because I didn't allow him to do something he wanted, and thank God I was as patient as I was at the time to such a comment. Children should not be allowed to say things(which we know are from emotion)that we as adults should not say to one another or to our children.
My kids get on my nerves many times but is it appropraite to say to my child "I don't love you right now" or "I hate you?" OF COURSE NOT-- than we should train up our children in the way they SHOULD go. MANY times I've unfortunately faced the conviction of the Spirit because I've said things out of emotions to my children, husband etc(nothing such as I hate you ). the Spirit is there to PROVIDE CONVICTION AND CORRECTION and we're remiss as parents if we don't do the same...IMO!



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 6:44:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
(mouth hanging open or shaking head in disbelief). Children are allowed to say "I hate you" to a parent and it's amusing?!!?!!




It was to me with my children. I was really intrigued at to how their little minds were working, and thinking that they'd have one over on me by saying that. By underplaying it, it actually fizzled out rather quickly. Since it didn't "work", they didn't use it more than a few times, if that.



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 6:54:07 PM)

Manda, I certainly understand the psychology behind not making an issue out of certain things with children(albeit I've learned it the hard way ;-) but I've never been able to understand children being allowed to say such things to a parent without a stern warning to watch what they say and to whom. I just think they need to be taught about self-control and not letting their mouths get them in trouble because of what they FEEL at the time---God is pretty consistent in His teaching of me in this area---and I need it!!



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 7:11:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
Manda, I certainly understand the psychology behind not making an issue out of certain things with children(albeit I've learned it the hard way ;-) but I've never been able to understand children being allowed to say such things to a parent without a stern warning to watch what they say and to whom. I just think they need to be taught about self-control and not letting their mouths get them in trouble because of what they FEEL at the time---God is pretty consistent in His teaching of me in this area---and I need it!!



I would rather my children expressed their feelings to me openly and honestly, than repressed them and had them come out in other ways. If they felt angry towards me, I'd rather know, so that we can talk about it, if not then, then later.

There is no way under the sun that I wanted to raise my children to think that they're wrong to think this or that, that negative feelings are to be squashed and pushed down. You can stop children saying things (I should know, having had my face slapped many times as a child), but you can't stop them thinking things. And if they keep their thoughts to themselves, you won't know what's going on in there, and won't be able to help them work it through and deal with it, so that what;s underneath is dealt with, rather than just "cutting off" what's on the surface.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 7:18:50 PM)

For me, I think that i have only had this happen once, but I don't remember it specifically enough to tell what I did.

Typically, statements of this sort made to me would get a heart to heart later when the child is calm. I allow my kids to vent their feelings respectfully without fear of getting in trouble. I would sit down and talk with them about why they feel that way and how they should handle it better, give them a different view of the situation, teach them how to express themselves more concisely and accurately so that we can stay on the same page. I WANT my kids to tell me how they really feel even if they are misguided or an attempt to be manipulative so I can have the opportunity to deal with it and help them deal with it.

ETA: sometimes it even lets me know that I need to tweak what I am doing a bit. If they feel free to talk to me then I can gauge if what I am doing is really having the effect that we are aiming for.

Manda, we cross posted about the same sort of response.[:D]



kohls356 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 7:37:40 PM)

I never thought it was amusing but I also was not going to let their words have the power they wanted them to have either.



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 7:58:19 PM)

I absolutely understand and agree that children feel and think-- and how they feel should not be ignored or shunned. God doesn't shun my feelings, they are important to Him and He allows His children to express themselves to Him.....as I do my own children, it's the CHOICE WORDS that I have a problem with. There are many ways to express ourselves and a HOST of words to choose from......"I hate you" are not the best words to choose IMO.



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 8:04:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
There are many ways to express ourselves and a HOST of words to choose from......"I hate you" are not the best words to choose IMO.



I don't know many 3-5 yr olds who have a "HOST of words" to choose from - especially not when emotionally upset.

As Ellie-Mae said:

quote:


Typically, statements of this sort made to me would get a heart to heart later when the child is calm. I allow my kids to vent their feelings respectfully without fear of getting in trouble. I would sit down and talk with them about why they feel that way and how they should handle it better, give them a different view of the situation, teach them how to express themselves more concisely and accurately so that we can stay on the same page.



29redballoons -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 8:10:56 PM)

Well, I for one handled the situation much differently...
My dd yelled at me that she hated m,e, she was probably about 5...I burst into tears, in my room...
DH spanked her and told her that she might think it, but she would not disrepect us and say it aloud.
Guess I am not as understanding as you all are.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 8:15:52 PM)

Yelling at me would not have been tolerated. I am very analytical so I tend not to say anything until I have had time to digest it and figure out to handle it best. I want to know "why", what is the root of the issue. Emotional words, even positive ones, are just the symptom of something else.



truthrevealed -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 8:35:58 PM)

Manda, hmmm, I know quite a few 3-5 year olds who know MANY words(I was one of them) but even if what you say is accurate "I hate you" shouldn't be a part of the vocabulary, of the FEW that they know-- that should be used. However, I won't continue the debate with you because I agree no child should be abused for expressing themselves!



29redballoons -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 8:50:28 PM)

quote:

I agree no child should be abused for expressing themselves!



I really hope this is not in response to my post.[&:]



manda59 -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 9:10:20 PM)

I wouldn't have tolerated being yelled at either. They'd have got time out for that, and when they'd calmed down we'd have talked.

I'd rather my child had told me he/she hated me, so that we could talk about what was really going on, rather than him/her sitting in their room silently hating me, or telling their friends they hated me, and not having the deeper issues worked out.

I also wouldn't have wanted my child to grow up thinking that they existed in order to meet my need to be loved, that my emotional wellbeing depended on them.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: How would you respond? (6/22/2008 9:48:33 PM)

^^^^I agree.

I knew before my kids were born that they would, at some point, say those words and prepared myself well beforehand. I'm responsible for their emotional well-being but they are NOT responsible for mine.



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