Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (Full Version)

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cdgauthier -> Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/22/2008 7:26:56 PM)

My husband and I are going through quite the ordeal. He has reconnected with an old friend that he always believed was his soul mate. He has always had feelings for her and has always compared me to her. He is now confused between the two of us, feeling that he loves us both, we met young and had children very young, we married after our children were born and he has grown to love me and I him. He is now confused with his marriage commitment with me and what is Gods will for us, but the feelings for this other woman are strong, he is unsure who he loves more, and in a way he loves us differently. He loves me because we have been together for 13 years and have three children together and have come through some really tough times, but for her his love has always been there, it wasn't something that was developed it was just there. I have tried to become friends with this woman but feelings of jealousy and I wonder what he is thinking when he sees her are creating doubts in my mind of who he wants to be with. He is battling with this a great deal and I see the hurt it is causing. He believes that God wants him to work out his feelings and to stay commited to me but how does he deal with these feelings, she has also expressed that she feels the same way about him and wishes to be with him as well, she is single right now and is dealing with a great amount of issues within her own life. We are just unclear on what to do, please if someone has any ideas or has been through the same thing, please reply. Thanks.

God Bless.



pbaribeault -> RE: Looking for advice (6/22/2008 7:40:31 PM)

(1) Flee temptation. Adultery is wrong. It's a sin (see 10 commandments) and no feelings, regrets, or might-have-beens change that. God wants this woman completely out of his life and out of his sight until and unless he absolutely lacks feelings towards her.

(2) Take charge of thoughts and feelings. He is the boss of them, not the other way around. He doesn't ask himself who he "loves" to see what he ought to do. (See proverbs) He knows what is right and he is capable of doing it, with or without this intense attraction that he is calling "love". Work out his feelings with someone who knows what they are doing... meaning a professional Christian counselor.



manda59 -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/22/2008 7:58:44 PM)

Could I just ask who initiated the "reconnection", whether it was him or whether it was her?

quote:

ORIGINAL: cdgauthier
she is single right now and is dealing with a great amount of issues within her own life.


Sounds to me like she is being driven by her issues and is turning to him either as a "knight in shining armour" , so that he can "save" her, or so that she can avoid having to deal with her issues.
She needs proper professional help, not to be leaning on him, both for your marriage's sake and for her own sake.



MamaPyratekk -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/22/2008 8:33:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
Sounds to me like she is being driven by her issues and is turning to him either as a "knight in shining armour" , so that he can "save" her, or so that she can avoid having to deal with her issues.
She needs proper professional help, not to be leaning on him, both for your marriage's sake and for her own sake.

You took the words right out of my mouth (or, er...fingers?)



timf -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 9:30:37 AM)

Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman

It sounds like your husband wants to do what is right but is confused by feelings. Much of the confusion arises from the thorough job Satan has done getting people to misunderstand what "love" is.

For a real definition of love one can read 1 Corinthians 13. Love is essentially selflessness. Jesus is our example of love in that it is difficult to think of a greater act of love than laying down your life for the sins of the world.

Satan has used almost every movie, TV program, book, and magazine to convey the idea that people "fall" in love. Even the cartoon Cupid with his arrow is used to convey the idea. What this does is get people to think the pity, affection, attraction, fondness, and even arousal they feel must be "love".

Many young people contemplate romantic possibilities when they first experience attractions. These can grow in the mind to take on a life of their own that have absolutely no relation to reality. Many times these ideas (or even memories of ideas) seem like some sort of proof that one person should pursue another.

Your husband should be able to see the difference between real love that he has built with you over 13 years (the type of love that transcends passing gas or throwing up with the flu) and the memories of past attraction and romanticized speculations (that are often only unilateral extensions of one's own desires).

Your husband may vulnerable by way of having had romanticized attraction in the past. He may be more vulnerable by thinking that he can "help" her. The reality is that if she is "melting down" now, he should be thankful that the Lord kept him from getting involved before.

Your husband needs to understand that the phrase "dealing with feelings" is often used to excuse indulging in the arousal of imaginations and desires. This can be very dangerous in that people often allow themselves to be drawn towards a consuming fire.

If you know of an older wiser Christian man who clearly shows the light and love of Jesus in his life, you might encourage your husband to talk with him to gain a Christian perspective on the situation. If all else fails one can always rely on the Bible;

2 Timothy 2:22
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 10:03:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cdgauthier
I have tried to become friends with this woman but feelings of jealousy and I wonder what he is thinking when he sees her are creating doubts in my mind of who he wants to be with. He believes that God wants him to work out his feelings and to stay commited to me but how does he deal with these feelings, she has also expressed that she feels the same way about him and wishes to be with him as well, she is single right now and is dealing with a great amount of issues within her own life. We are just unclear on what to do, please if someone has any ideas or has been through the same thing, please reply. Thanks.

God Bless.


i'm so sorry for your hurt. you do not need to be friends with the other woman, in fact it is really important for him to have no contact with her as an emotional affair has already started. the problem is that the wayward spouse isn't going to want to break off contact unfortunately. i'll be praying for your family. somehow your husband needs his eyes opened to clearly see the results of the choices he will make. if you can somehow read through 'surviving an affair' by dr harley, one of the example couples in the books is in the very early stages of an emotional affair like your husband is. you can probably find the book at your library. maybe try reading through it with your husband ... not in an accusatory way ... but maybe as a way you can learn together. the book will also talk about love units and learning each other's emotional needs will you both feel more in love. i realize this is a tough situation but there are no easy answers. it seems like things are still early on. exposure to both their families and pastors may be necessary if he won't break off contact.



slushie -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 12:04:30 PM)

Your husband is confused, definitely. You don't need to be good friends with her, but just be "nice" to her when you see her, don't show her if you're insecure.

What I think he should do? Stick with you. Don't go around with her - make it clear to her that he's a got a wife that he loves and will stick with.

And he should learn to let go.



bayalaann -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 12:39:08 PM)

Sweetheart this is really a tough situation. The bottom line is a matter of respect respect is one of the most important tools in a relationship.



deedeeowens -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 2:30:18 PM)

The scriptures are clear. His committment should be to you. He needs to rebuke Satan and steer clear of this other woman. Satan is the master of confusion and the author of deception. The longer your husband toys with this situation, the more dangerous it will become.



buckifn -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 3:04:17 PM)

love has very little to do with feelings. If your husband is looking to break his marriage vows based on something he feels then maybe you should count your blessings and wait for God to give you a real man who will love and honor you as his wife the way Christ loves the church.

As men we are COMMANDED to do so, not on days we feel like it.

If I told my spouse something as selfish as that I think her answer would be deal with those feelings the same way you deal with other mess such as when you have the flu...keep your head over the garbage can til it's all gone...



bluestone -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 3:10:37 PM)

Make it clear to him that he is married to YOU. That means he needs to break off all contact with this woman. ALL CONTACT!

If you have contact with her, let her not in no uncertain terms that he is YOUR HUSBAND and she needs to clear out NOW!

Confusion?[8|] Mental adultery is not about confusion, it is about sin.

His feelings for this woman are adulterous. She knows he is married. He knows he is married.
That means flee temptation, and stop comparing this woman to his wife!



ChoirDJ -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 3:11:16 PM)

cdgauthier...I'd like to share what might be going on from your husband's perspective and I will preface it by saying there is never a justifiable reason for someone to be involved in an emotional affair. There are understandable reasons but never justifiable ones. Many of the comments here are focused on how wrong your husband's behavior but I want to encourage you to look at your own contribution to this problem. As with women, many men stray emotionally/physically because of unmet needs by their spouses. All too often, the wife becomes neglectful of the husband's needs for intimacy while focusing all of her attention on the children and there has to be a balance. I'm not making any assumptions about your particular situation but the above scenario is all too uncommon. Many husbands are made to feel they are not valued by their spouses beyond providing food, shelter, clothing and performing handyman duties.

You can decrease the chances that your husband's relationship with the other woman will progress into a full blown affair just by being sensitive to his needs. He may say he's torn but the real issue is he wants you, yet, feels that you are not available for some reason. It sounds like you two need to sit down (away from the children and any other distractions) and communicate about what is going on in your relationship without interrupting each other or going on the defensive. You may want to check out "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husband's" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger because she deals with this issue extensively. Believe it or not, the women on her show rave just as much as the men (if not more) about how this book has transformed their marriages.



cdgauthier -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 3:21:34 PM)

What you have been talking about is what we have done exactally, he has made his choice and he is staying with me. we both know that where we are today has developed because of both of us and the distance we have caused between us. Since I first posted our problem, we have been reading some of the articles on the website and praying for each other and ourselves, and it has truley opened our eyes, and has begun to open our hearts. And we give all the credit to God, we know that with Him we can make this work. Please continue to pray for us. As we know this will not be easy.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 4:11:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bluestone
Make it clear to him that he is married to YOU. That means he needs to break off all contact with this woman. ALL CONTACT!

If you have contact with her, let her not in no uncertain terms that he is YOUR HUSBAND and she needs to clear out NOW!

Confusion?[8|] Mental adultery is not about confusion, it is about sin.


i believe affairs are like addictions and cloud the thought process. people are torn between the excitement of sin (as bluestone mentions) but still feel responsibility and love toward the betrayed spouse. thus confusion takes hold in the wayward's mind and leads to sin. an addict can know something is wrong but still carry forth that an act in the name of an addiction. and yes even feel guilty afterwards. just as a drug addict can't recreationally use, the wayward needs to have no contact (as mentioned above). thus there is no opportunity for confusion. also both you and your husband should be prepared for him to go through a withdrawal period as this woman was meeting at least one emotional need of your husbands and know it'll be lacking.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 4:22:51 PM)

quote:

Make it clear to him that he is married to YOU. That means he needs to break off all contact with this woman. ALL CONTACT!...If you have contact with her, let her not in no uncertain terms that he is YOUR HUSBAND and she needs to clear out NOW!


I respectfully disagree with this approach in that in is like putting a bandaid on the cancer. So many woman take this approach to keep a man from straying and it only pushes him further away. Confronting her is not going to do anything but make her more inclined to keep pursuing him just to get back at the wife. Confronting him makes him solely to blame for the problem and that only makes him even less motivated about severing ties with the other woman. When the wife (or husband) takes responsibility as the OP did below, it will yield much more positive results.


quote:

What you have been talking about is what we have done exactally, he has made his choice and he is staying with me. we both know that where we are today has developed because of both of us and the distance we have caused between us. Since I first posted our problem, we have been reading some of the articles on the website and praying for each other and ourselves, and it has truley opened our eyes, and has begun to open our hearts. And we give all the credit to God, we know that with Him we can make this work. Please continue to pray for us. As we know this will not be easy.


You sound like a very wise woman and that may be the very thing that will save your marriage when all is said and done. It takes a lot of strength to set aside the hurt in all this and start looking for solutions as you have obviously been doing. May God bless you with a deeper understanding of each other's needs and a stronger marriage from this point forward.



lastblast -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 4:28:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

i'm so sorry for your hurt. you do not need to be friends with the other woman, in fact it is really important for him to have no contact with her as an emotional affair has already started.


Absolutely, correct. If your husband is a man after God's heart, he will desire to honor you, his wife, and seek to protect your marriage from outside forces that can bring destruction into your family. I believe he knows this, hence his statements to you. Pray, pray, pray for your husband! blessings............



twinkly -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 4:56:33 PM)

The other point in this is that she, this woman, should be seeking counsel from other Godly women, NOT your husband. If she is going through problems in her life, your husband is NOT who she should be turning to.

It is always so innocent in the beginning, but then a connection gets made. The bottom line is, if a woman is having issues they should turn to other women for support or a married COUPLE, not just the husband. And the same for men. Go to the men in your church or a married couple, together, can give counsel.

The opposite sexes, leaning on each other, especially when one is married, is going to lead to something not good. I have seen it time and time and time again.



Liveloved -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 10:14:26 PM)

quote:

He believes that God wants him to work out his feelings and to stay commited to me but how does he deal with these feelings


What does God say about a man who is married with children and is seeking/exploring/has feelings for another woman? What does He say?

The answer is very simple if you listen to Him.

God made man simple. We 'make' things complex---and many times it is because we choose sin or our way rather than His.

Once you and your husband answer the question what does God say, you will both know what to do. Bless you dear.[sm=hug.gif]



jaimestarcross -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/23/2008 11:22:48 PM)

The thing is he made a commitment to you - those wedding vows
are for real! So don't trifle with them.
He needs to firmly close the door to the past (the other woman) he made a vow
to forsake all others --- He needs to be doing that! It's not easy but he can do it with the Lord's help... but he needs to submit to God first!

He got in trouble by allowing his thoughts to run free and that's why he's having
trouble and unsure of things. Renew your mind on the Word(read your Bible and meditate upon it's truths - Take captive and cast down any thought or imagination that isn't in line with scripture... The Bible instructs for a husband to love his wife.
*You can't get free from a stronghold if you're holding on to it or indulging it!!

Seek marriage counseling ASAP!



georgerobbyjr -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/24/2008 12:00:34 AM)

Stay away from this woman and keep your husband even farther away. Maybe they would've made a splendid couple, maybe not, but he married you and his feelings for her have nothing to do with God. The best way to deal with such tempation is to run, and that's what your husband should do, avoid her at all costs. As for her she is foolish to reveal her feelings to him knowing that he is already happily married. There is no room for friendship here, and it seems that isn't what this woman is after anyway. Would you be kind to someone who may be looking for an opportunity to ruin your marriage? Tell your husband to stop talking to her!



Nishantha -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/24/2008 12:28:50 AM)

This is not only yours matter but also many have the same problem. Please talk with your husband again and explain him that you are in big trouble.
....................
Nishantha
Christian Drug Rehab
<a href="http://www.christian-drug-rehab.org">Christian Drug Rehab</a>



manda59 -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/25/2008 7:17:44 PM)

Maybe you didn't see my question earlier?

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

Could I just ask who initiated the "reconnection", whether it was him or whether it was her?




ChoirDJ -> RE: Looking for advice-husband in love with another woman (6/25/2008 7:26:30 PM)

manda59, Not sure why it would matter who initiated the "reconnection" because the root would still be the same whether he initiated or responded to the old flame's initiation...she stated her husband and she have had a discussion about what the problem is and it lies with both of them (it always does). She stated her husband and she our looking into resources to make things better.



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