Should I?

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sunshinesoprano -> Should I? (6/25/2008 9:27:00 AM)
Hey, guys. Got a question for you. I signed up on a Christian singles matching thing and in the year or so I've been on it, the same guy has surfaced as a match twice, at 80%. The thing is that we aren't strangers. We've known each other since 1999 because I sing at a Christmas event that he and his mother organize. He's an incredibly nice man, though he has a pretty bad case of chronic halitosis. He's literate, sensitive, and financially comfortable. Most of all, he's a fine Christian. He's 45, I'm 27. This isn't an issue for me at all. My mother (and grandmother when she was alive) always thought he had a thing for me. I've been matched to him twice, and I know he's read my profile and he knows it's me. I guess I feel like if he were interested, he would have let me know by now. But I also wonder if he thinks I think he's too old, and that's why he's never made a move. I know every time we see each other, he gives me a real big, long hug (as I try not to breathe because of the breath thing). Sorry, I know that's bad, but...[:'(] He's truly really nice, but I'm afraid it would just be wierd if I reached out to him and he weren't interested given that I'm an annual performer at the Christmas concert he does. What should I do?

broyce1981 -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 9:40:37 AM)
Well, it's always difficult to tell if somebody is interested or not based on actions. And even harder for us to tell just by reading about his actions on here. So the only way to find out definitively if he is interested would be to reach out to him and ask. It's better to find out if definitively if he's interested than to sit around and wonder. Yeah, I could see how things may seem a little awkward about that but that's the case in every relationship. You need to be willing to let yourself be a little vulnerable to make any relationship work. There's probably some people who think it's always the man's responsibility to initiate anything, but I disagree. I believe if a woman is interested in a man then they should be able ask him if he feels the same way. At worst, the guy will feel very flattered to know that a woman has an interest in him. Good luck!

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 9:49:55 AM)
Thanks, broyce. You have a great point. Since I'm not like 100% attracted to him I guess maybe I'm a little hesitant, ya know?

broyce1981 -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 9:53:46 AM)
Well, if you say you're not 100 % attracted to him, maybe take some more time to think and pray through things before deciding what to do. Make sure you know your own feelings before taking that next step, ya know?

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 9:57:07 AM)
That's true, but I don't really KNOW him all that well to know if I'm really into him or not. He'd be a great catch!

ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 10:49:26 AM)
You could, sunshine, talk to The One Who knows both you and the fellow so well that he knows whether you are called to be with one another.[;)] Just ask Him to make it clear. Depending on how close you and God are, you might even ask him to ask the dude to make the first move in a very clear way. And you could also mention the halitosis issue...[;)] besiderself

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 1:12:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano He'd be a great catch! well then go for it if you don't mind the age difference :) if i was as old as 45, i'd need some clear signs to really pursue a 27 year old. i think speaking to a third party to help arrange things as mentioned is a good idea. it's possible no one has mentioned the bad breath issue to him and it could be easily fixable.

AlwaysR8chel -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 3:08:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano Since I'm not like 100% attracted to him I guess maybe I'm a little hesitant, ya know? . . . ........ sometimes we are too eager to make something bigger out of something small. I dated a lot of men who were a 'good catch'... I'm glad I didn't hook up with any of them... In all those cases - there seemed to be something that just wasn't quite right... and I had a habit of trying too hard to make the relationships work... With my SO.... there is a spark like none other.... [sm=heart.gif][sm=blush.gif][sm=heart.gif] He was worth the wait.... [;)]

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 3:25:52 PM)
Yeah, y'all are right. And since we only see each other 1 time a year, I really don't know if there'd be anything there or not. I dunno....

ChoirDJ -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 3:33:11 PM)
I think he'd be flattered to know someone your age is interested. However, the two of you are at different stages and that shouldn't be downplayed. Do you want to have children some day? Does he have children? He may not want to at his age? I'm pushing 42 and I don't think I would date someone your age because that's too much of an age discrepancy and the relationship would be unbalanced in my opinion. It would be a different scenario if you were 40 and he were 58 though.

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 3:46:04 PM)
HI. Yes, he does want children, as do I. I'm one of those people who were born 40, so I'm extremely grounded and "old" for my age. I actually prefer men of that age group. They're more grounded, are less into trophy wives, and know who they are and what they want. Most of the guys my age are still looking for a blonde with a big chest and Barbie doll proportions. Or at least that's how it feels to me.

Prairiehiker -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 4:22:06 PM)
I don't know about you, but the bad breath alone would make me run the other direction. Hygiene is a very important matching criteria. Plus, if he has't initiated any contact, to me that suggests that he's not too thrilled to be matched with you. Perhaps knows you enough to know that you're not really a good match. It could be that he's waiting for someone closer to his age. Not every man wants a younger woman.

OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 5:23:13 PM)
Sunshine, is the bad breath thing a lack of good hygiene, or is it a medical issue (I saw a Tyra banks show once, and she had about 7 people with strange medical problems. One was a girl that profusely sweated no matter what, and one was a girl that was constantly brushing, flushing, mouthwashing, and no matter what, she STIlLL had horrible breath, poor thing, she even tried bleach for mouthwash. Tyra arranged for each of them to get medical help, it was really sweet)? Anyway, either way, someone needs to encourage him to either do better oral hygiene, or get the help he needs. I really think this DOES matter because if his odor is unpleasant to you, than being around him will be unpleasant to you.

AlwaysR8chel -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 5:45:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano He's an incredibly nice man, though he has a pretty bad case of chronic halitosis. . . . ....... some people missed this. It's no fault of his own...

OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 5:54:33 PM)
quote: It's no fault of his own... Well, if he is not brushing his teeth enough, it is. If it is a medical issue, it's not.

Prairiehiker -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 6:17:58 PM)
I'm not sure if the OP suggested that it is not the guys fault or not that he has bad breath. However, I think this is one of those things that we think isn't that big of a deal until you actually have a relationship with him. I for once see this as a deal breaker right at the start, whether it's the guy's fault or not . I just have a sensitivity to body scent. I'm no way saying that he is not worthy of love and affection. All I'm saying is that I know for me that a chronic halitosis is not something I can deal with therefore, I won't even get close to the guy. Why lead him on? I might develop a friendship with him and if we develop enough trust with each other, I'd likely say something about his breath. But the idea of being romantic with him? I don't think so. TO the OP. Decide if this is big enough an issue before you consider taking any action. Be fair to the guy.

Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 6:22:50 PM)
There's definitely no harm in trying but like a few have said, he has to want to be with someone your age. If he's open then it should at the very least be something worth going for. When it comes to any physical issue, it is possible to look past all of that. A good woman would help out the man in that area anyway. [;)] I honestly wasn't physically atracted to my FH at first. The relationship that blossoms will take care of all of that and you will find that you play a huge role role in that. [:D] All joking aside, you have nothing to lose IMHO. [:)]

okrox -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 7:09:50 PM)
Hey, sunshine...you've really got several different questions going on here. Let's separate them: quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano Hey, guys. Got a question for you. He's an incredibly nice man, though he has a pretty bad case of chronic halitosis. Only you can decide on that one. I would guess though, if it's chronic, there's something medical going on. If it were just hygiene, you could tell. He's 45, I'm 27. This isn't an issue for me at all. AGain, that's for you to decide. If it turns out to be something serious, you'll dfinitely have to think it through. I don't think I would be interested in that big of a gap, but who knows? God often has better ideas than I do. I guess I feel like if he were interested, he would have let me know by now.But I also wonder if he thinks I think he's too old, and that's why he's never made a move. I would think that was a very, very strong possibility. Put yourself in his shoes. He'd have to be awfully confident to make a move, I would think. And well, the big secret is....few men are REALLY that confident. He's truly really nice, but I'm afraid it would just be wierd if I reached out to him and he weren't interested given that I'm an annual performer at the Christmas concert he does.That's a pretty flimsy tie. By Christmas, any awkwardness would have long blown over. And like somebody said above, the worst that could happen is that he would know a younger woman was interested in him. Who wouldn't love that? What should I do? I think this really kind of depends on your general philosphy of dating. I am a "cast a wide net" kind of dater. I look at dates as a fun and casual chance to get to know men, and don't date exclusively until I feel like I have to. (And that's getting, maybe, a little bit closer with the Current Person Of Interest. :-) But that's another thread altogether.) My question to you is, how much dating, in general, have you done?

9drtr -> RE: Should I? (6/25/2008 7:54:27 PM)
I'm 44, and I might be hesitant about approaching a woman as young as 27 because I wouldn't want to come across as a dirty old man.

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/26/2008 7:06:42 AM)
Okay, thanks, guys. To address some questions... From my 9 year experience of knowing him, he's extremely well-groomed, orderly, and has good hygeine. His mother has the same breath issue. I don't think either of us know each other well enough to know whether we'd be a good match or not. Seeing each other once a year isn't very conclusive. Most people don't think I'm 27. My cousin (actually my 2nd cousin's wife who is in her 50s now) said I was the only person she knew who was born 40 years old. Most of the men who have ever showed interest in me have been significantly older than me. I don't quite know how to approach it without sounding desperate. My friend suggested just emailing him and being like, "You profile keeps popping up in my inbox and it made me think that we ought to go have coffee sometime just for fun." The idea is nice, the doing is another question. OKROX: to address your question about my dating experience...I've been on 3 dates in my life, all of which were out and out disasters. The first, the guy was just making fun of me. The 2nd was a guy who seemed to be very nice, but ended up being a wet-dog smelling, poorly dressed, virus-sending, software-pirating, dirty-mouthed jerk. The 3rd wasn't bad, but it was a set up, we already knew each other, but we were complete and total opposites and while I may be a curvy lady, this guy was just too much for me in terms of size and the amount of food he consumed in one sitting. I don't know. I prayed that if this was meant to be that God would show me. I'm horrible with men and can hardly look them in the eyes sometimes.

okrox -> RE: Should I? (6/26/2008 8:21:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano Okay, thanks, guys. To address some questions... From my 9 year experience of knowing him, he's extremely well-groomed, orderly, and has good hygeine. His mother has the same breath issue. THen there is surely something to be done about it. I knew a guy in high school who was FAMOUS for his consistently bad breath. Then, when I ran into him 20 yrs later, it was gone. I didn't know him well enough to ask, but he must have changed something. Addressing it would be a really touchy issue, a real head-scratcher, but there's surely a way. With God all things are...you know..possible. I don't think either of us know each other well enough to know whether we'd be a good match or not. Seeing each other once a year isn't very conclusive. EXACTLY. Which is a good reason to go have coffee. My friend suggested just emailing him and being like, "You profile keeps popping up in my inbox and it made me think that we ought to go have coffee sometime just for fun." The idea is nice, the doing is another question. I'm with her. Just tell him what you've told us. (Well, except, maybe, you might save the breath thing for later. HA!) Just say-in a light way--that, hey, anything is possible and you're just exploring all possibilities, right? OKROX: to address your question about my dating experience...I've been on 3 dates in my life, all of which were out and out disasters. Then maybe it's time for a 4th? I don't know. I prayed that if this was meant to be that God would show me. And maybe, you know, like the old joke where the guy keeps praying to win the lottery and God finally thunders, "WOULD YOU HELP ME OUT A LITTLE HERE, AND AT LEAST BUY A TICKET?" , God is saying, "WOULD YOU HELP ME OUT HERE A LITTLE AND AT LEAST GO OUT SOME?" I'm still praying that God will reveal to me His will about the Current Person Of Interest--and that's after about TWENTY dates. I'm horrible with men and can hardly look them in the eyes sometimes. Then let's get some practice! And e-mail under these circumstances is a GREAT start. And, should he be disinterested (which I HIGHLY doubt, but, it could happen, you'll still have 1.) Stepped out of your comfort zone, which is almost always a good thing. and 2.) Let poor bad-breath-man know that SOMEBODY is interested. and 3.) Learned something about yourself. You go, girl! We're all pulling for you!

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/26/2008 8:31:07 AM)
Okrox, Thanks for all your support. Yeah, the bad breath thing can be fixed. And maybe he's eaten dinner or something before the concert every year, I dunno. Sounds pathetic to have only been on 3 dates in your entire life. To let you know just how disabled I am when it comes to men... Several years ago there was a lead singer in a group I went to see that I just fell head over heels for. I went to hear him, Granny in tow, just about every time I could. I was mortified to talk to him and most of the time I just smiled alot. I was utterly paralyzed. I convinced my two best friends to go with me to an outdoor concert one day and it rained...I mean poured...and I was soaked to the bone and looked horrendous. I talked to him, and really thought perhaps we were getting somewhere. I got up the guts to give him my card and told him we ought to have lunch sometime. I text messaged him a couple of months later and he said, "Heather who?" I was like...okay, if I'm that forgettable, I'm so done. Most of it comes from my feeling that I'm completely undesirable, which is backed up further by the lack of dates I've ever had that weren't setup or a joke.

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Should I? (6/26/2008 8:36:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano Okrox, Thanks for all your support. Yeah, the bad breath thing can be fixed. And maybe he's eaten dinner or something before the concert every year, I dunno. Sounds pathetic to have only been on 3 dates in your entire life. I just wanted to touch on this. From fourth grade until my junior year in high school I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. ALWAYS. And I would 'go out' with guys just because THEY were interested in ME. That's how low my self esteem was. I find it AWESOME to see people who married the first person they dated, or only dated a few times before marrying. That takes a HUGE leap of confidence by not settling, and it says a lot about one's walk with Christ. You're not pathetic. Trust me. You're awesome. [;)] huggles Now back to our regular scheduled program. [sm=biggrin.gif]

sunshinesoprano -> RE: Should I? (6/26/2008 8:39:14 AM)
Aww, thanks Tink. I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's a matter of not settling, it's a matter of not having the option to settle or not settle. I've never been asked out except for the one that was a joke.

okrox -> RE: Should I? (6/26/2008 9:19:11 AM)
I was JUST getting ready to come post this: I didn't mean to make that last part "At least he'll know SOMEBODY is interested." sound like that, like you were both desperate. It's NOT that. Well, then again, yeah, maybe it IS that...because we're ALL just a little bit desperate and needy. Some people are just better at living with it than others. And, don't forget, if HE was on a dating site, too, that means he was looking for a little boost in that area, too. And then I saw your post. So I'm going to add "NO NO NO NO NO!" that is NOT pathetic. It just...is what it is. And I also had planned to tell you this: When I first started dating after my divorce, I was a good 100 pounds overweight. A size 26. And I had no trouble getting dates with good, kind, decent men. Employed men, even! Men with a lot to offer. I'm now a solid size 14, and still struggling. But Current Person Of Interest says not to worry. So. My point is. If it's not one thing, it's another. Weight or bad breath or funny toes or bad credit or something. My daddy used to tell me, "Boys are like snakes, honey. They're more scared of you than you are of them." So. Back to this one. If nothing at all comes from this, at least you'll have had a little practice. If you're not good at something, how do you get better? You're a singer! You kow the answer! PRACTICE. Now. Go get get 'em, girl!

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