Womens advice needed (Full Version)

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bcs20 -> Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 4:55:00 PM)

Ok, four years ago my first love and I broke up after 2 years. It was one of the hardest times I had because in the midst of dealing with that, I lost my grandmother and mom in the months to come. But, at the same time, I wouldn't change things because I became so much closer to the Lord.

While dealing with things with my ex, I prayed consistently to have her back but she began dating a guy...for 4 years! She ended up becoming engaged and when that happened, I decided it was time to try to move on and part with some things that I held on. (this was in January)

She ended up calling off the engagement, weeks after I found out they were engaged. They then broke up, too. (issues such as faith played a huge role)

We have been emailing back and forth since about Christmas time and had a few texts and phone calls in the midst too. Recently she invited me over, we went for a walk and started catching up. I stayed over a few nights til about 5 in the morning.

She admitted to me that she wish she would have ended things with her ex way earlier and she doesn't know why exactly she ended things with me and that it was so hard the past couple of years because she missed me. Also, she regularly was on and off with her ex-fiancee because of different reasons but always came back because the family seemed to always talk her back into it.

So anyways, one night last week, she ended up crawling on the couch and we laid next to each other and ended up kissing. it was awesome. my heart was ready to explode and so was hers. the things she was saying and stuff broke down my wall to be totally honest and tell her how much I've missed her. That was on Fathers Day night.

SIDE NOTE: She said she had dated a little in the past couple months, as assurance to see where she was but she said that I was the one she thought of and it affirmed her heart for me. That she shouldn't even date around when I'm the one that had the qualities she wanted.

As the week passed, things were still great, but constantly her ex since January continued to call (which he has for several months now). Pleading her to come back...letting her know she is settling for 2nd best...that he got a tattoo of her on his chest so he's close to his heart always...and a lot of unpleasant things too that she wouldnt share with me...but her family all wants him out of her life and she doesn't want to be with him.

Well he told her last week that her mom had cancer and she didn't know what to do....later he told her that she had a week left....and Sunday, she had passed.

Ever since all the things happened with his mom, she hasn't been the same. We've prayed for our relationship and put it in God's hands...we prayed for her ex....etc. But she has become more and more distant. I can read her and I feel that she isn't all there with me anymore.

My question is what do I do? It would kill to lose her again. I want to give her space but I know he is constantly calling and she now feels like she has to talk to him to give support. her heart is now softened towards him because of the situation, too. We said we would take things slow but now I feel like I'm losing her again...any advice?

Prayers are great appreciated.



JEGUINN -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 5:12:03 PM)

if you and she are meant to be, it will happen...

PRAY...for clarity of mind before God - seek His face when you are tempted to be driven by your emotions and feelings - be encouraging to her and pray for her without her there. this is stretching you - God is your strength - your infinite, perfect strength.

I would also encourage her to seek a Godly woman in her life that she is comfortable speaking with.



preserved -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 5:30:46 PM)

I took advise to pray and let God's Will be done. Sounds like she is re-living the same as when the two of you were together and you lost your grandmother in the mist of that and she was not there for support...Now here comes her ex- and he loses his mother and they too were not together during the loss...then she dated around with others...then winded up back in your arms so to speak...A lot of jumping around....So she is probably trying to sort out what God is trying to tell her...There is a message among all of this...

Pray and give her some space...She needs to determine what she is seeking or rather where God wants her to be...



crankius -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 5:31:07 PM)

If she is really serious about moving on, she needs to stop taking his calls. The fact that she takes his calls and talks with him about important matters in his life makes me think she is still involved with him in her heart. She appears to not be ready to start a new relationship with you or anyone else.



Roberta_ -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 6:32:09 PM)

I agree with what the others have said and BTW:

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20
Recently she invited me over, we went for a walk and started catching up. I stayed over a few nights til about 5 in the morning.

So anyways, one night last week, she ended up crawling on the couch and we laid next to each other and ended up kissing. it was awesome. my heart was ready to explode and so was hers. the things she was saying and stuff broke down my wall to be totally honest and tell her how much I've missed her. That was on Fathers Day night.


you're playing with fire. Stay away from temptation.



bcs20 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 6:52:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

If she is really serious about moving on, she needs to stop taking his calls. The fact that she takes his calls and talks with him about important matters in his life makes me think she is still involved with him in her heart. She appears to not be ready to start a new relationship with you or anyone else.


She doesn't usually pick up the calls, she has ignored them but he has been consistent. She's threatened to call the police but he said, no worries I just love you but now, he continues. I think because of what has been happening, and he not having many people close to him, he uses her as a crutch.

She also has been thinking of changing her # but dreads that because she's had it for so long and as a teacher and adult, she has given that number out as her phone line to many people.

She just doesn't know what to do when he is turning to her for help to deal with this. And I think she is justificating because of the situation.



bcs20 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 6:55:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JEGUINN

if you and she are meant to be, it will happen...

PRAY...for clarity of mind before God - seek His face when you are tempted to be driven by your emotions and feelings - be encouraging to her and pray for her without her there. this is stretching you - God is your strength - your infinite, perfect strength.

I would also encourage her to seek a Godly woman in her life that she is comfortable speaking with.



quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

I took advise to pray and let God's Will be done. Sounds like she is re-living the same as when the two of you were together and you lost your grandmother in the mist of that and she was not there for support...Now here comes her ex- and he loses his mother and they too were not together during the loss...then she dated around with others...then winded up back in your arms so to speak...A lot of jumping around....So she is probably trying to sort out what God is trying to tell her...There is a message among all of this...

Pray and give her some space...She needs to determine what she is seeking or rather where God wants her to be...



She has even said, it's amazing how God works. A month ago she prayed to know if she should go out to California to visit a friend of hers. An hour later, the friend called and said she wanted her to come out. She is one of her strongest Godly friends, so she is out there for a week visiting and "getting away" and also she has a reason why she won't be around for him.

I'm putting my trust in Him. I'm thinking of the story of Peter sinking because of His focus on the distractions of wind and waves rather than Jesus. Gotta believe He will see us through it and hoping we will be together on the other side.



bcs20 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 6:57:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DenimDiva

I agree with what the others have said and BTW:

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20
Recently she invited me over, we went for a walk and started catching up. I stayed over a few nights til about 5 in the morning.

So anyways, one night last week, she ended up crawling on the couch and we laid next to each other and ended up kissing. it was awesome. my heart was ready to explode and so was hers. the things she was saying and stuff broke down my wall to be totally honest and tell her how much I've missed her. That was on Fathers Day night.


you're playing with fire. Stay away from temptation.



I agree, I need to be firm with where God has taken me and be confident by that. In a way I've been skeptical because of fear that it wouldn't attract her with how obediant I've become and wrapped up in Him. but then we had a talk to take it slow and that has to be part of it....I'm getting myself back in tact and I just gotta follow Him and it's He that will make things happen and He will bless following Him. Thanks



Roberta_ -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 8:49:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20

quote:

ORIGINAL: DenimDiva

I agree with what the others have said and BTW:

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20
Recently she invited me over, we went for a walk and started catching up. I stayed over a few nights til about 5 in the morning.

So anyways, one night last week, she ended up crawling on the couch and we laid next to each other and ended up kissing. it was awesome. my heart was ready to explode and so was hers. the things she was saying and stuff broke down my wall to be totally honest and tell her how much I've missed her. That was on Fathers Day night.


you're playing with fire. Stay away from temptation.



I agree, I need to be firm with where God has taken me and be confident by that. In a way I've been skeptical because of fear that it wouldn't attract her with how obedient I've become and wrapped up in Him. but then we had a talk to take it slow and that has to be part of it....I'm getting myself back in tact and I just gotta follow Him and it's He that will make things happen and He will bless following Him. Thanks


Sounds to me like you may be unevenly yoked if you start a romantic relationship.



manda59 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 8:56:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20
She also has been thinking of changing her # but dreads that because she's had it for so long and as a teacher and adult, she has given that number out as her phone line to many people.



It's no big deal to copy your "phone book", and then text them with your new number. Sounds like an excuse to me.

She may well be getting off on wanting to be needed. Be very careful.



bcs20 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/25/2008 9:01:30 PM)

I guess I'm wondering, if you were in her shoes...should I just back off and let you come to me. Put things in God's hands, give space, pray and if you want me - then there must be persuance coming from your part as well?



preserved -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/26/2008 9:21:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20
She also has been thinking of changing her # but dreads that because she's had it for so long and as a teacher and adult, she has given that number out as her phone line to many people.



It's no big deal to copy your "phone book", and then text them with your new number. Sounds like an excuse to me.

She may well be getting off on wanting to be needed. Be very careful.



I have to agree with manda on this one...If you really wants no more contact...it is no big deal to change phone numbers...the information can be transferred to a new phone...It's a lame excuse...



IonMoon -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/26/2008 1:44:44 PM)

For both your sake's IMO, you need to set some boundaries and let her know that until she is truly free to pursue a new relationship, you need to back off. Tell her once she gets things figured out and is truly ready to move on (NOT through her words, but her actions), to let you know.

Why is she doing this? Who knows?!? Some people really like being in the middle of conflict. Some people like being pursued.

She has no control over her ex's actions, obviously, but it sounds like her responses (which she does control) are not healthy.

The proper response to her ex should have been "I am truly sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for letting me know." And that is it. And if he is bothering her after being told to stop... she needs to clearly state she does NOT want contact from him and then follow through by NEVER answering his calls and changing her number if necessary.

By sometimes answering, she is giving him incentive to keep calling! If she talks to him, even if she ends the call with "Stop calling." She is sending the message that despite her words, she really wants (or is at least willing) to talk.

Tara P



truthrevealed -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/26/2008 3:27:19 PM)

bcs, I would tred VERY slowly here. She needs to come to a place of stability in her life, it seems to me, where she learns about who she is, what she wants,etc. To avoid getting hurt, I'd continue to be a FRIEND and that's all. If you are meant for more than that it'll come. May I ask your age?



bcs20 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/26/2008 6:53:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truthrevealed

bcs, I would tred VERY slowly here. She needs to come to a place of stability in her life, it seems to me, where she learns about who she is, what she wants,etc. To avoid getting hurt, I'd continue to be a FRIEND and that's all. If you are meant for more than that it'll come. May I ask your age?



I am 23 years old and she is 24. I am letting things just flow...I'm giving her space right now and just praying a lot about it. Luke 18 and the story of the persistence of prayer is the route I'm going. Praying that He will make us the people He wants us to be and hoping to be together.



Calea37 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/26/2008 10:08:41 PM)

Make sure you don't become her doormat... If she says she wants to get back with you then she need to cut ALL of her ties with this other guy. If she can't or is unwilling, then you need to understand you are in danger of some more heart break. Better to know now than months from now.



IonMoon -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/27/2008 7:17:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bcs20
I am 23 years old and she is 24. I am letting things just flow...I'm giving her space right now and just praying a lot about it. Luke 18 and the story of the persistence of prayer is the route I'm going. Praying that He will make us the people He wants us to be and hoping to be together.


Honestly, letting things flow right now is the wrong way to go. This has already gotten the two of you in a dangerous situation (on the couch).

What you need to do is completely step back from the relationship until 1) She is ready to move on from her last relationship and 2) You are ready to step up and set boundaries so that it is a godly relationship.

If she isn't comfortable with either of these things, then, really, as much as you want her to be the right person and as much as it feels good to be with her, it is probably not a good relationship to be getting in to.

After a woman has been in a bad relationship, she needs time to be ALONE. Not many women do this. It sounds like this woman went from her relationship, to dating, then to you (which was based on nostalgia). If so, she never took time to straighten herself out & recover.

Also- it is important not to pursue a relationship based on your feelings.

And.... Lastly.... another mistake I often see people making is that they are praying for something (often this is over a relationship) and because things seem to be moving in the direction they want, they assume that is the answer to their prayers. But they leave their brains at the door and end up justifying all the warning signs, because "God obviously wants us together!"

Tara P



preserved -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/27/2008 10:54:35 AM)

Tara P

quote:

And.... Lastly.... another mistake I often see people making is that they are praying for something (often this is over a relationship) and because things seem to be moving in the direction they want, they assume that is the answer to their prayers. But they leave their brains at the door and end up justifying all the warning signs, because "God obviously wants us together!"

Tara P


This is so very very true. The OP is actually not letting things flow because he is hoping that the person comes back to him...He is failing to see the signs that has already been presented...or perhaps he is not wanting to see the real picture.



bcs20 -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/27/2008 11:27:30 AM)

To give a little more background to the story, in the beginning stages of her relationship with her ex, he was involved with a lot of stuff that he shouldn't have. She is someone that cares a lot for people and wants to help them and bring out the good side. So as time passed, he did get out of some things he was involved with. Which also meant that he had to lose some friends on the way.

She doesn't want to be around him and knows that he isn't the one. She told me multiple times of how much she has missed me. The thing that is hard is that because he has lost a lot of his friends, in this tough time she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to be back there for him but at the same time she knows that he has lost a lot of his friends.

I know that we need to be aware and set boundaries. Another thing that I am praying for is that both of us grow closer to God. To seek His heart. She is a Christian and longs to know Him more.

It would be awesome if you guys would say a prayer for us. That if it's right, He would bring us back together. Also, that we would both be going after His heart and grow in that relationship. And if he does bring us back, that He would be in control and He would bless it in a way that only He could.



slushie -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/27/2008 11:43:46 AM)

I agree with Tara. Be careful. She needs to find a stability that YOU cannot give her.... that only GOD can give her.

For her, she should just "move" away from him. It's no longer her affair.

Don't expect that God WILL give you what you want... pray for His will to be done. =D I will be praying.



daughter_of_faith -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/27/2008 11:48:22 AM)

I've read/heard this saying which is very well applicable to this situation: "If you truly love someone, let them go. If they come back, they were meant to be yours forever. And if they stay away, they were never meant to be yours."

Guard your heart so carefully, OP. I'll be praying that God will give you both wisdom to know what to do in the situation.

~God bless~



preserved -> RE: Womens advice needed (6/27/2008 1:20:00 PM)

Bcs20, Sorry my prayer would have to be that God's Will be done in this situation.

Sometime our will is not God's Will...



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