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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 12:47:32 PM
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ju-ju
Posts: 66
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Another question for the casual dater. How much closer would you allow yourself to be with a man/woman knowing he's only casually dating you and he's looking around for other potentials? How open would you allow your heart to be to that person? Also, how competitive would you be in order to win the person's heart? I know we don't think of dating in these terms. But imagine you're dating someone who's got three other people he's dating. You're interested in him. He tells you he really wants to keep it casual right now and he's got another date tomorrow. What would your reaction be?
I'm asking because I can never date casually but a lot of the men I know do. And they do it because they haven't found the right one and are just dating for something to do. The one man I know who was an expert in casual dating dated so many woman. But it only took one date with his fiance to realize that she's the one he's willing to give his whole attention to. The scenario made me realize that people that if someone puts you in his casual dating list, chances are, he's really not that into you and you're just "something to do" for now.
Newby here, guys.....I have to say all the things that PrairieHiker has been saying are really hitting home. I have to confess here that I have been "somewhat" of a casual dater....but I would always try to make sure the other person knew we were just friends. I just realized that that makes no sense, after reading all these posts, ESPECIALLY PrairieHiker's.
Now I'm pretty embarrassed. I've always "prided" myself in being very open and honest and tender about other people's feelings. Now I realize I have been probably hurting some people, but honestly not meaning to.
I have now come to the realization that I have been "exploring", not truly dating, not in the dating definition that PrairieHiker put out there. So, unintentionally, I have led people on. But I will say that I did NOT give kisses or hugs away or mislead in that direction.
My mistake has been that I continue to "date" someone I KNOW is not going to go anywhere. THIS is the behavior I must stop this very day. And I will. Thank you, PrairieHiker. :)
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 2:29:33 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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quote:
I have now come to the realization that I have been "exploring", not truly dating, not in the dating definition that PrairieHiker put out there. So, unintentionally, I have led people on.
Yep...if you are dating someone exclusively when you are not interested I would have to agree you are leading that person on. Now if you happen to enjoy that person's company as a friend, both of you are hanging out with others and you're each aware of this and okay with it, I don't see an issue with that. There's always the potential though that an attraction could develop on the other person's part so it probably isn't the best idea to spend a lot of time hanging around each other exclusively if that's how you feel.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 3:49:17 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4196
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: okrox
Maybe I shouldn't call these "dates" then. Maybe just "meet-n-greets?"
i've only recall seeing that in context of two relative 'strangers' (ie, have never met) meeting face to face in a quick and inexpensive manner such as coffee. from there, there is no pressure to spend money or several hours with someone you have zero interest in. if both parties have an interest, it'd be easy to extend into dinner or make followup plans later. you people meeting on online dating sites have m&gs. also their pool is much bigger to choose from so i imagine they have a lot more people to filter out than someone only looking for Christians.
it's a fine line okrox ... i wondered about the pity angle ... it seems like a good idea but how would one approach someone ... 'i want to be your friend but have zero romantic interest, do you want to go to dinner?' ... it seems like if you are going on group activities with someone like this it could be more natural ...
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 4:36:37 PM
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ju-ju
Posts: 66
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
quote:
I have now come to the realization that I have been "exploring", not truly dating, not in the dating definition that PrairieHiker put out there. So, unintentionally, I have led people on.
Yep...if you are dating someone exclusively when you are not interested I would have to agree you are leading that person on. Now if you happen to enjoy that person's company as a friend, both of you are hanging out with others and you're each aware of this and okay with it, I don't see an issue with that. There's always the potential though that an attraction could develop on the other person's part so it probably isn't the best idea to spend a lot of time hanging around each other exclusively if that's how you feel.
Hey, Choirdj : The only thing I will say in my defense is that I have not exclusively dated anyone since my divorce. I have been "exploring", as I put it, trying to get to know guys who have asked me out.
The place where I went wrong was, even though I ended up telling these guys we are just friends and that there would be no future, they would still want to go out or hang out with me.....and I would...even though I could tell they had hopes for more, and would even come out and say as much. I enjoyed their company, at THEIR expense.
THAT was wrong of me.
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ju-ju <>< (just little ol' me)
http://www.myspace.com/julishines
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 4:49:27 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
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From: So Cal
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I can see your point ju-ju but I wouldn't consider that leading them on since you were up front with your expectations about the future of the relationship. It's their problem if they chose not to accept your expectations in hopes the relationship would evolve into something more. If I were in your situation where someone kept pushing for a romantic relationship when I already stated my intentions, I would certainly stop going out with that person.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 5:51:23 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
One of the problems lie within the fact that the term "date" means different things to different people.
This is certainly true. So do you define the term when asking a woman out or do you asusme she means the same as you do by it?
I believe the most prevalent definition is "a one-on-one social meeting of two people who are interested in each other romantically".
Hanging out together is normally not a date. But you have to be blatant up front to be sure the other person knows it's not a date. else you are leading them on.
A group of people going someplace together is not a date. It's a group outing.
quote:
Some think of it in terms of going out with someone you have a romantic interest in (not position or the position of many I fellowship with) whereas others look at it as simply hanging out with the opposite sex for friendship building times.
And that's why we must define the term during the invitation or assume the most restrictive definition. Why hurt someone unnecessarily?
quote:
What's wrong with a group of brothers asking a group of sisters out for a group date (i.e., trip to Sea World, Picnic at Park, Game of volleyball and bar-b-cue at beach and such).
Nothing at all. But it's not a date. Now it might be seen as a date if you're inviting a member of the opposite sex to go with you to this group outing. Have to be blatant up front that you are not going as a couple to avoid misleading them.
quote:
In reading your posts on dating, I think you have an unneccesarily rigid mindset when it comes to "dating," "casual dating", "hanging out with the opposite sex" or whatever term you choose. You are entitled to that mindset but don't impose it on others please.
Not rigid, just careful not to hurt people. Have to treat the ladies hearts as gently as I can. And part of that is not misleading them
I am unable to impose my mindset on any one. I am not God.
(I've been told I have the body of a god though! I said "thank you" and puffed myself all up. And then they said "Buddha"  )
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 6:12:35 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
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From: So Cal
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(I've been told I have the body of a god though! I said "thank you" and puffed myself all up. And then they said "Buddha" )
LOL.
I agree with everything you said in your previous post. At the very least, it makes me more conscientous about how I will use the term "date" in the future. Most of the discussions regarding dating seems to come back to the term itself being loaded, yet used so loosely in our society. And I share your concern about protecting the hearts of women because I would expect nothing less from them.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 7:42:04 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2617
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladioffaith
If I had to evaluate every man and decide before every date if he was "marriage material" I probably would date even less often than I do. The whole idea of "considering marriage" before the first date scares me.
That's why I date very casually, but exclusively. This means I only date someone I'm attracted to, and get to know only him for the time period that we are dating. If it doesn't work out because we're incompatible, then no harm done. I'd like to think that both of us would feel honored and respected during the brief period that we dated, rather than feel that we were just using each so that we won't have to spend our Saturday nights alone. And frankly, I'd rather spend my Sat night with my little girl, or reading a book or wathing SNL than go out with a guy I'm not attracted to. I don't care if he's the godliest man on earth, if the attraction isn't there at the start, I'm staying home.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 6/30/2008 9:09:23 PM
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9drtr
Posts: 1659
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From: Toronto the Good
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Casual dating is evil. The man should propose marriage before the first date or he's just a player.
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Edwin
When we know who is coming, how can we worry about what is coming? When the last hour belongs to us, how can we worry about the next minute?
Ross Crighton
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 12:28:12 AM
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shemaromans
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 9drtr
Casual dating is evil. The man should propose marriage before the first date or he's just a player.
Am I correct that a smiley is missing at the end of your second sentence?
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 12:38:07 AM
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shemaromans
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Oh, okay. He uses the invisible smiley then.
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"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 12:40:46 AM
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BugLady
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Many times, yes.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 9:29:59 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4196
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 9drtr
Casual dating is evil. The man should propose marriage before the first date or he's just a player.
personally i think the man should propose before he is even born!
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 9:41:17 AM
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9drtr
Posts: 1659
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From: Toronto the Good
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
quote:
ORIGINAL: 9drtr
Casual dating is evil. The man should propose marriage before the first date or he's just a player.
personally i think the man should propose before he is even born!
That's the attitude.
_____________________________
Edwin
When we know who is coming, how can we worry about what is coming? When the last hour belongs to us, how can we worry about the next minute?
Ross Crighton
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 6:51:48 PM
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okrox
Posts: 157
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
quote:
ORIGINAL: okrox
Maybe I shouldn't call these "dates" then. Maybe just "meet-n-greets?"
it's a fine line okrox ... i wondered about the pity angle ... it seems like a good idea but how would one approach someone ... 'i want to be your friend but have zero romantic interest, do you want to go to dinner?' ... it seems like if you are going on group activities with someone like this it could be more natural ...
Maybe this is where some of the confusion comes from...I am not saying I have gone out with men I have NO interest in...no, no, no. I have never done that. I am only saying I go out with men that I don't know yet whether or not I have interest in. Big difference. EVery man I've gone out with this last year has had enough selling points (professes Christianity, employed, clean and polite) that I was willing to give him a chance.
And, sorry, John, but I think there is a big difference to the two hiring processes I used in my analogy above. One zeros in on only one possibility with high hopes and a high front-end investment. That makes it very difficult to see a person objectively. The more time you have invested, the more likely you are to convince yourself you've made the right choice to justify it--even if you have to wiggle reality a little. This is very common in dating.
The second method gives as many candidates as possible a chance to be evaluated earlier in the process. Knowing this isn't the only candidate makes it a little easier to be objective.
However, John, you do have a very valid point about wasting time. You are in a little different situation than most of us. Not only are you a single parent, but you have no every-other-weekend-alone like a lot of us do. I do think that makes your case unique. I would be a little less "Oh, why not?"-ish myself if I had to weigh it against time with my kids.
One other reason I like to "meet-n-greet"--When I meet men online (I live in a rural area. There's not much other way to do it.) I realize that not everyone has the same strengths. I've met men who are fabulous at e-mail, not good on the phone. Or great on the phone, but the in-person was not a good fit. Since I don't intend to spend my married life only e-mailing and phoning it in, I think the in-person meeting is very important ASAP.
In fact, the current Person Of Interest was not very interesting in e-mails, (nice, but not exactly Mr. Personality) only slightly more on the phone, but terrifically good company in real life. So how would I have known had I not agreed to that first casual date? (Even his picture was so-so, and in person, he's NOT! Lucky for me. He would have been too busy to answer my e-mails in the first place, if the other women had known how cute he really is!)
Is it a date or not? Well, every one of them has said something like, "I'd like to buy you coffee" or "Will you let me take you to dinner?" or something like that, so, I've thought of them as dates. ? And, please don't think I was just out to get a free dinner. I was very open about the fact that it would be a very casual date, with no expectations on either side. That seemed just fine to everyone.
So...you tell me... am I being a player? (HA! Never in a million years would I have thought of even asking that question! That's very very funny, if you knew me.)
< Message edited by okrox -- 7/1/2008 7:28:59 PM >
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Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 7:23:53 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2617
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From: The little house in the prairie
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quote:
Is it a date or not? Well, every one of them has said something like, "I'd like to buy you coffee" or "Will you let me take you to dinner?" or something like that, so, I've thought of them as dates. ? And, please don't think I was just out to get a free dinner. I was very open about the fact that it would be a very casual date, with no expectations on either side. That seemed just fine to everyone.
So, how many more dates would you have with people that you've met and know that you really don't have much interests in? How long would it take you to realize that someone isn't really a good match for you? What is your criteria of a good match? Would you go out with them again because you're free and don't want to stay home alone?
For me, I know within the first date if I'll go out with a guy again. Even if a man has a lot of the things in my list, if the chemistry isn't right, I know it'll go nowhere. If our conversations aren't flowing naturally, he might be a good catch, but I'll let him be a good catch for someone else. I guess for me, there has to be strong chemistry, and good conversations in order to pursue anyone further. Otherwise, I'll just say, NEXT! I only have some 70 or so years of life, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. It's my way of streamlining the screening process.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 7:32:50 PM
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okrox
Posts: 157
Joined: 4/28/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
Is it a date or not? Well, every one of them has said something like, "I'd like to buy you coffee" or "Will you let me take you to dinner?" or something like that, so, I've thought of them as dates. ? And, please don't think I was just out to get a free dinner. I was very open about the fact that it would be a very casual date, with no expectations on either side. That seemed just fine to everyone.
So, how many more dates would you have with people that you've met and know that you really don't have much interests in? How long would it take you to realize that someone isn't really a good match for you? What is your criteria of a good match? Would you go out with them again because you're free and don't want to stay home alone?
For me, I know within the first date if I'll go out with a guy again. Even if a man has a lot of the things in my list, if the chemistry isn't right, I know it'll go nowhere. If our conversations aren't flowing naturally, he might be a good catch, but I'll let him be a good catch for someone else. I guess for me, there has to be strong chemistry, and good conversations in order to pursue anyone further. Otherwise, I'll just say, NEXT! I only have some 70 or so years of life, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. It's my way of streamlining the screening process.
I do agree with the "get on with it" part! I'm older than you, besides! HA!
I will give two, at the max. Some I've known immediately at one. Some I was wondering if, maybe, he or I had had an off day, and maybe one more shot was fair. Only one got to seven or eight dates before I could make up my mind. (And I TOLD him all along that I was also still meeting other men, that I hadn't made up my mind about him. Is that playing?) Current Person Of Interest and I have both, just now, after 12 dates (I counted them! What a dork I am!) decided that we'd stop our subscriptions. No final hiring decisions have been made, but we are no longer accepting resumes and the interviewing process is now closed.
BTW--two guys that I really wanted to call me back didn't. Obviously gay, right? Or injured in a trauma and suffering amnesia? Or deployed on top secret missions? Right? Right?
Anyway. Whatever happens, it's all good. God's got plans, and they're usually better than mine.
_____________________________
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 8:17:34 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8009
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: okrox
And, sorry, John, but I think there is a big difference to the two hiring processes I used in my analogy above. One zeros in on only one possibility with high hopes and a high front-end investment. That makes it very difficult to see a person objectively. The more time you have invested, the more likely you are to convince yourself you've made the right choice to justify it--even if you have to wiggle reality a little. This is very common in dating.
The second method gives as many candidates as possible a chance to be evaluated earlier in the process. Knowing this isn't the only candidate makes it a little easier to be objective.
The only difference I saw was where you were in the process. In the first example you had already winnowed out obviously unqualified candidates (bad resumes etc) and settled on this one for further investment of time. In the second example you were still gathering resumes so you weren't as far along in the process.
quote:
... I think the in-person meeting is very important ASAP.
...
Is it a date or not? ... I was very open about the fact that it would be a very casual date, with no expectations on either side. That seemed just fine to everyone.
They were dates. But they weren't casual. You were investigating whether they were good fits or not because you were interested in them.
The first in person meeting is very important. Every marriage started with a first date somewhen
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: In Praise of Casual Dating - 7/1/2008 10:34:55 PM
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okrox
Posts: 157
Joined: 4/28/2005
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I guess we maybe are just talking semantics, then!
Rats. I was looking for a good rumble.
< Message edited by okrox -- 7/1/2008 11:03:25 PM >
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Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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