RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (Full Version)

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TorchHeart -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 9:25:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmyLynn1

I love how many folks have such good advice. I love hearing what they would do and, even better, what we wives should do to entice husbands back from the porn world.




SmyLynn1:

I've read some of your posts about what's happening to you in your life, and I have to say that your case is NOT what I would call typical. From what I've read of them, I think things are far worse than just an addiction to pornography, and you have my sympathy and prayers in your situation.

As for your point about how wives should try to entice husbands back from the "porn world," I think a lot of this can be dealt with by men and women talking more. If a man or woman has to resort to pornography to get their fill of satisfaction, I think there's a very good chance that they're not connecting as fully in a romantic manner as they could be. For example: How often does one partner usually initiate sexual intimacy? What does it usually consist of? How long does it last? Does the pattern seem repetitive (if you recall the last time you had sex with your partner, does it seem a lot like every other time?)? What things do the two of you enjoy doing together that kindles "that spark" of intimacy without having intercourse? How do you show affection for one another?

As Christians, I think we tend to have a very conservative view towards sex (more so than other subcultures) and we tend to forget that God made sex to be enjoyable for both partners. I think that finding ways to simply spice up your love life can be EXTREMELY beneficial to bringing a husband OR wife back from the world of x-rated entertainment. And why shouldn't it? You're HERE! You're REAL! You're NOT JUST A PERSON ON A SCREEN! This person married you because he/she loves you, and you fulfull them. Fulfill one another's fantasies, too. Don't be afraid to MAKE your wife or husband desire you. Dress a little provocatively (I'm not talking about showing up naked in the doorway, but if you have a dress or outfit that you know he/she thinks you look good in, wear it for no obvious reason). Talk a little "dirty" to him (within whatever reason you feel comfortable doing so). Try one or two new things behind closed doors. I'm not saying to become your partner's sex-slave or to start inviting third parties into your sex life, but I am saying to try and break the norm as much as you can... and don't be afraid to step out of your own skin a little bit. Be daring!!!! Be bold!!!! Show them that YOU are better than any cheap thrill they can find in a magazine! (And.... from what I've read, ALL OF YOU WOMEN out there know dang good and well that you're better than those women on the internet and in cheap, low-budgets films.... If you didn't, you wouldn't be so upset when you catch your husbands doing this... AND MY HATS OFF TO ALL OF YOU FOR KNOWING IT!!! I mean it!!!! Now remind THEM!)

And though I am talking about sex, I'm also going to say that this doesn't even have to be sexual in nature. Simply making sure that you express how much you love/desire your spouce can be enough. A provocative kiss and nothing else.... a touch.... a special evening out doing something you know THEY will enjoy more than you... a couple of words whispered in the ear can do more than you might believe.

And while I'm not saying that some couples won't need third-party help councillor of some sort (or other forms of intervention... or even what I have called "strong arm tactics" in the past), THAT is how I believe you deal with a husband or wife you catch looking at porn. You find out what they feel is missing, and then you try and give it to them WITHOUT them having to go outside of your marriage to find it.



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 10:45:27 PM)

Setting boundaries is healthy. Using them to manipulate behavior is not.
There is a difference.
I suppose holding a person to being "faithful in every way" is not so much an issue, just make sure that you are able to live up to that standard as well.
The bottom line is you and your mate will NEVER share EVERY struggle you face individually.



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 10:50:24 PM)

The irony among all of this is, understanding or even trying to grasp understanding isn't as important as making sure someone meets the others standard.
I would have to say I wonder how long some of you have been married.

Resorting to pornography is ALWAYS a sign of something missing. It's not always intimacy, but many times it is. Men must learn what their wives need to fill intimacy and women in turn should learn what their men need in the area of intimacy. The problem is that doesn't always happen.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/6/2008 4:32:20 AM)

I don't think that when a husband resorts to looking at porn it means that something is missing in the relationship with his wife. I think it means he is missing something in his relationship with God. I mean, what about the men who choose to look at porn and deny a perfectly willing wife? In a situation like that it's obvious that they aren't turning to porn because of a lack of intimacy with their spouse. Some men have very willing wives that they take advantage of and then go look at porn and women in real life. What about those men? They are getting their needs fulfilled by their spouse but it's still not enough. If a man is consistently looking at porn and lying about it you can be sure that his relationship with God is suffering. There is a void that only God can fill but instead of turning to God to fill that void, they turn to porn and instead of being satisfied they are only left feeling more empty than before. It's sad and frustrating that so many Christian husbands choose to go down this path. It's so hurtful to the wives and children (not to mention the men themselves). [&o]

The answer to the problem is a restored relationship with God. Once that is fixed there will no longer be a desire for porn. It will fade away over time, as the relationship with God grows stronger.



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/6/2008 9:12:32 AM)

While I can somewhat agree with what you have said about a man missing something in his relationship to God. I would have to say that you are stating the obvious. But let's look at what James says about sin. (This porn thing is a complex issue.) Read James 1:13-15.

There we learn that our "sinful desires" we are dragged away and enticed. Do you know how many desires can lead to viewing porn? There are many! That doesn't make any of them acceptable, but it should shed some light on the complexity of this issue.

As far as men taking advantage of their "willing wives". This is unfortunately true, but the root of their enticement is not necessarily the same for each of them.

It sounds like I'm trying to say "we're helpless" in this area of our lives. That however is NOT true. However it IS true that none of us fully rely on God through ALL situations with out faltering. So my postings are not about acceptance but rather about the reality that we all fall. For some of us it may be porn for others it's something else. But I'll guarantee the "something" else no worse than porn is.

It all comes down to the fight. Porn may be the "stronghold" in some men's lives but we have a God that is stronger than that. It's not God's weakness that keeps us going back, it's our weakness to our flesh.

As far as a restored relationship to God, my relationship is active and "restored" but that doesn't mean I never fall and though the tendency to porn may fade, it's just not that hard to re ignite that desire.

Porn is no more or no less sinful than any other sin. And porn does not have power over us, it's the power we allow it to have.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/6/2008 4:31:00 PM)

Here is the entire chapter of Jame 1 if anyone wishes to read it. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james%201;&version=31;

13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.---highlight added

Be careful when tempted because giving in to those sinful desires will bring death.

21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.---highlight added

In this passage in James we are told to get rid of ALL moral filth and evil. We are told to practice what the word preaches. And I would assume that includes sexual purity since the Bible is full of warnings about avoiding sexual immorality. That includes porn, right?

quote:

It sounds like I'm trying to say "we're helpless" in this area of our lives. That however is NOT true. However it IS true that none of us fully rely on God through ALL situations with out faltering. So my postings are not about acceptance but rather about the reality that we all fall. For some of us it may be porn for others it's something else. But I'll guarantee the "something" else no worse than porn is.


While it's true that we all fall, some of us fall more regularly and with more willingness than others. To me there is a difference between someone who is working on having more patience but slips occasionally than someone who is going to a computer, sitting down, going to sites that give rise to lustful thoughts but aren't right out porn, then moving on to look at actual porn. Those are very deliberate actions with many chances to stop. It's not a little slip of the tongue. Same thing with driving to a strip club or to an adult store. Those are very deliberate actions where there are many chances to turn around (i.e. on the drive there, walking towards the computer, stopping after the first inappropriate site, stopping at the door to the club/store). To me there is definitely a difference in the intentions/heart of the indivuals. If porn is problem then install a filter that is installed/controlled by the wife. Yes, there are ways around filters but having one will at least provide another chance for the man to turn from his sinful desires. And if it's a good filter it will make it almost impossible for many men (the ones who aren't extremely computer savvy).

Also, while sin is sin in God's eyes there are some sins that cause more destruction in our lives and in the lives of our loved ones. Porn is one of those sins. It hurts the wives and the children. In many cases it even destroys marriages.

quote:

It all comes down to the fight. Porn may be the "stronghold" in some men's lives but we have a God that is stronger than that. It's not God's weakness that keeps us going back, it's our weakness to our flesh.


Amen to that! I totally agree.

quote:

As far as a restored relationship to God, my relationship is active and "restored" but that doesn't mean I never fall and though the tendency to porn may fade, it's just not that hard to re ignite that desire.


My husband used porn for ~19 years. He came to a point in May of 2008 where he hit rock bottom. And he chose to repent (not just be sorry for the action but to turn from it comletely). Ever since then he has become a different man. He has come to HATE the sin of lust. He has worked hard to "bounce his eyes" in order to avoid looking with lust at other women. He has installed filters on all his computers to the point he can't hardly surf the internet. He can take care of necessary business but much more than that is limited. He has grown in his relationship with God like no other person I've seen. He is experiencing true freedom and it shows in how happy and loving he has become. This man used to hardly ever smile. Now he laughs all the time. It's been an incredible journey. And there were no slips back into porn along the way. So it is possible quit cold turkey and never go back. It's just not a common occurance but it is possible. He tried to quit many times over the years but never truly repented until last May. He would be sorry that he had done it and sorry that it hurt me but he never truly repented before God and turned from it completely. But since his journey towards purity began last year he has lost the desire to look at women IRL and porn. He just doesn't have that desire anymore. Praise God!

quote:

Porn is no more or no less sinful than any other sin. And porn does not have power over us, it's the power we allow it to have.


Like I said before some sins cause more destruction in our relationships with the ones we love. When a husband looks at porn it just destroys a woman's heart. It hurts us so deeply. I think that most men don't really understand the depth of that pain. It took a long time for my husband to really understand it. And not only are the wives hurt but so are the porn stars. Whenever a man looks lustfully at a porn star he is using her body for his selfish gratification. She is being objectified. Not only that but when men spend money on this stuff it supports the porn industry. That includes the free stuff too I imagine. Those sites count how many people visit their pages and those numbers make a difference to their advertisers/supporters, right?

None of us are without sin but some choose a sin and hold onto it for dear life. They return to it over and over. That fact alone indicates that there is something very wrong. If a person repents of a sin but goes back to it over and over we must question whether they ever really repented.

I know that my husband's journey is not what commonly happens with men who are into porn. But it is our desire to share with other Christian men that it is possible to turn from it completely. It is possible for marriages to be restored after being destroyed by this sin. It is our prayer that God will be glorified through our journey.

This man who used to be so depraved is now on fire for the Lord. He is now a wonderful husband and father. And he is sharing what he has learned with other men by being their AP's. I am so excited about what God is doing in our lives.



TorchHeart -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/6/2008 10:50:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

I don't think that when a husband resorts to looking at porn it means that something is missing in the relationship with his wife. I think it means he is missing something in his relationship with God. I mean, what about the men who choose to look at porn and deny a perfectly willing wife? In a situation like that it's obvious that they aren't turning to porn because of a lack of intimacy with their spouse.



I won't disagree with this. I do agree that there are probably plenty of cases where the husband (or wife... women DO look at pornography, too) is looking at porn simply for whatever pleasure he gets out of it while the wife is left in the cold. However, I will state that I firmly believe that my view is the more prevelant one. For example, when you say "a perfectly willing wife," how does HE know she's willing? Is she depending on him to continually start the intimacy? What is each person's deffinition of "intimacy." etc. I believe that there is more of a reason why men and women end up looking at pornography, and that a lack of intimacy with the parter is your best bet. I will not rule out, though, addictions, low self-esteem, etc.

Even then, though, we go back to the idea that looking at pornography is more of just a symptom of something bigger that needs to be dealt with.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
First of all Some men have very willing wives that they take advantage of and then go look at porn and women in real life. What about those men? They are getting their needs fulfilled by their spouse but it's still not enough.


See above.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
If a man is consistently looking at porn and lying about it you can be sure that his relationship with God is suffering. There is a void that only God can fill but instead of turning to God to fill that void, they turn to porn and instead of being satisfied they are only left feeling more empty than before. It's sad and frustrating that so many Christian husbands choose to go down this path.


No argument from me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

It's so hurtful to the wives and children (not to mention the men themselves). [&o]

The answer to the problem is a restored relationship with God. Once that is fixed there will no longer be a desire for porn. It will fade away over time, as the relationship with God grows stronger.


This is going to vary between our personal opinions, but I will say that a stronger relationship with God will help.



jrichesin -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 10:10:30 AM)

I read this article on MarriagePartnership.com that talk about this very issue. I'd really recommend reading it, I learned a whole lot!



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 11:03:38 AM)

I can't help hearing a tone of "men are broken and need to be fixed" within some of these posts.


While no male or female can be allowed to blame their sin on anyone I think we would have to admit that there are situations that can occur that increase the ease of our desires to be rationalized and acted upon.

There is no doubt that Satan has devised a remarkable attack on men with this tool of pornography. The first glimpse of pornography forever alters the mind and destroys the beauty that God intended for married couples to experience. Sexual expression between a married couple should be a celebration. Inhibition should become less and less predominant in the marriage bed and experimentation should be encouraged. This however is turned into an expectation of "reinactment" of what we were tricked into thinking was "normal". This is an unfair expectation for husbands to place on their wives.

On the other hand ladies are appalled at porn (as all Christians should be). The problem is that they equate the acts that are portrayed as being "dirty" when in truth, that is not necessarily the case. It is not up to you nor I to impose what sexual activity is sinful, wrong or dirty among one another, but rather the Bible to be the rule of measure. I think we would agree that rule would eliminate multiple partners and the inclusion of trying to entice others.

In turn Christian men must learn to demonstrate self control through the Spirit in regards to their viewing of such enticing material. We must learn to love our wives and celebrate our love through acts (including but not limited to sex). We can't impose their desires on their wives, we cannot "force submission".

Christian women must learn self control as well. Submission is not a natural response to anything and is something to be learned. Respect of ones husband is not something that is taught in our culture. In fact the norm is NOT to respect a husband. (Just look at the way men are portrayed as buffoons on television). In my opinion the way media portrays men is JUST as damaging as the way pornography portrays women. No less sinful either.

There are things that wives can do to help men in the battle against pornography. Trying to control you husband isn't going to do anything but drive him away (probably to the porn).

Christian men need to be fixed by God in the same way that Christian women need to be fixed by God. Men don't need to fix their wives, women don't need to fix their husbands. Each needs to look to God so He can use them as the catalyst to fix one another (I think the Bible calls it "becoming one flesh").



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 3:42:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FolkSingerBlues

I can't help hearing a tone of "men are broken and need to be fixed" within some of these posts.

While no male or female can be allowed to blame their sin on anyone I think we would have to admit that there are situations that can occur that increase the ease of our desires to be rationalized and acted upon.

There is no doubt that Satan has devised a remarkable attack on men with this tool of pornography. The first glimpse of pornography forever alters the mind and destroys the beauty that God intended for married couples to experience. Sexual expression between a married couple should be a celebration. Inhibition should become less and less predominant in the marriage bed and experimentation should be encouraged. This however is turned into an expectation of "reinactment" of what we were tricked into thinking was "normal". This is an unfair expectation for husbands to place on their wives.

On the other hand ladies are appalled at porn (as all Christians should be). The problem is that they equate the acts that are portrayed as being "dirty" when in truth, that is not necessarily the case. It is not up to you nor I to impose what sexual activity is sinful, wrong or dirty among one another, but rather the Bible to be the rule of measure. I think we would agree that rule would eliminate multiple partners and the inclusion of trying to entice others.

In turn Christian men must learn to demonstrate self control through the Spirit in regards to their viewing of such enticing material. We must learn to love our wives and celebrate our love through acts (including but not limited to sex). We can't impose their desires on their wives, we cannot "force submission".

Christian women must learn self control as well. Submission is not a natural response to anything and is something to be learned. Respect of ones husband is not something that is taught in our culture. In fact the norm is NOT to respect a husband. (Just look at the way men are portrayed as buffoons on television). In my opinion the way media portrays men is JUST as damaging as the way pornography portrays women. No less sinful either.

There are things that wives can do to help men in the battle against pornography. Trying to control you husband isn't going to do anything but drive him away (probably to the porn).

Christian men need to be fixed by God in the same way that Christian women need to be fixed by God. Men don't need to fix their wives, women don't need to fix their husbands. Each needs to look to God so He can use them as the catalyst to fix one another (I think the Bible calls it "becoming one flesh").


I personally believe that a man who is into porn or has other lust issues is indeed broken and does need to change. I would say the same things about a woman who is into porn. Same thing both ways. Or maybe I should say their relationship with God is broken and needs to be fixed. It's not just a "man" thing. If a woman has continuous sin in her life she needs to repent and change. It's just that this thread is about husbands who are into porn/lust so that is what I'm addressing.

I do agree with most of your post. You make some excellent points.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 3:46:44 PM)

quote:

TorchHeart: However, I will state that I firmly believe that my view is the more prevelant one. For example, when you say "a perfectly willing wife," how does HE know she's willing? Is she depending on him to continually start the intimacy?


I do know of several marriages where the wives tried to initiate physical intimacy only to be rejected over and over and over. So when I say perfectly willing I mean a wife who tries to initiate (in obvious ways) but is turned down over and over.



TorchHeart -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 3:57:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

quote:

TorchHeart: However, I will state that I firmly believe that my view is the more prevelant one. For example, when you say "a perfectly willing wife," how does HE know she's willing? Is she depending on him to continually start the intimacy?


I do know of several marriages where the wives tried to initiate physical intimacy only to be rejected over and over and over. So when I say perfectly willing I mean a wife who tries to initiate (in obvious ways) but is turned down over and over.


Well, I'd have to actually know what's going on, but otherwise I would have to assume that there is something else going on that needs to be addressed OTHER than intimacy between the husband and wife. Obviously something is wrong, and these cases would go against what I would consider to be the rule.

You say you know of several marriages where this is the case? I'm curious as to how you came across several where this is the case. Were they all people you know through a group of some sort?



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 4:08:55 PM)

quote:

You say you know of several marriages where this is the case? I'm curious as to how you came across several where this is the case. Were they all people you know through a group of some sort?


Yes, they are part of a group (two groups actually if I'm remembering correctly). My marriage was also like that for many years. It's not the norm but I think it's actually more common than many people realize. I used to think I was the only one whose marriage was like that in the physical intimacy department but over the past year I've realized that I (unfortunately) am not alone.



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/7/2008 11:47:11 PM)

(Just look at the way men are portrayed as buffoons on television). In my opinion the way media portrays men is JUST as damaging as the way pornography portrays women. No less sinful either.

Christian men need to be fixed by God in the same way that Christian women need to be fixed by God. Men don't need to fix their wives, women don't need to fix their husbands. Each needs to look to God so He can use them as the catalyst to fix one another (I think the Bible calls it "becoming one flesh").



Beth67 -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/8/2008 1:26:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

quote:

When a husband looks at porn it just destroys a woman's heart. It hurts us so deeply. I think that most men don't really understand the depth of that pain.



So true, so very, very true. I know this pain.

I also know that equally true is that us women cannot fully understand the depth of the stronghold it has on a Christian man, and the struggles he endures because of it.

So much that could be said...a complex issue indeed.



Beth67 -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/8/2008 1:34:05 AM)

quote:

When a husband looks at porn it just destroys a woman's heart. It hurts us so deeply. I think that most men don't really understand the depth of that pain.


(Sorry....messed up the previous post...forgot to separate the quote from my portion.)

So true, so very, very true. I know this pain.

I also know that equally true is that us women cannot fully understand the depth of the stronghold it has on a Christian man, and the struggles he endures because of it.

So much that could be said...a complex issue indeed.



Apparition -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/9/2008 2:39:08 PM)

Just thought I'd weigh in on this subject a little bit... I recently hurt my wife when she found out that I had visited some porn sites. She has never denied me and even makes sure to initiate with me when she's wanting... and I absolutely love her for that. She confronted it with me and I came clean and the sheer pain that I could see that I caused was enough for me to know that I had to get a hold of myself. It took a couple of days for her to be 'comfortable' around me again, and she would ask me questions like "Am I enough for you?" and it just really hit home with how much I hurt her and where I need to be spiritually. Fortunately she forgave me and sees me as the husband she knows that I can be, and I thank God for that every day.

She had asked if we can install a filter on my computer, and I agreed. She hasn't done it yet but it also hasn't been a problem again either. I am a network admin so when she suggested it she mentioned that she knows that I can cover my tracks pretty well if I wanted to and asked if it would even be worth it to install a filter since I could just simply bypass it. I told her that for her idea to be successful all she would need is to be the only person with the password to unlock it and that if she found the program somehow uninstalled that she would know that I tampered with it. But like I said, she hasn't brought it up again and maybe she's just putting trust in me again and I'm doing all that I can to make sure to honor that trust.

One thing I did see in another thread and I see mentioned here a lot is about the passage in Matthew that talks about Jesus teaching that if someone looks at another lustfully then he has committed adultery in his heart. I would like to submit that this passage is not an exaggeration/hyperbole as much as it is an elevation of the sin, which is a common theme throughout the sermon on the mount. The focus is to teach us to get control of the very very first signs of the sins before they have an opportunity to take hold of us. This is what I believe anyway. =)

So to all you ladies out there dealing with this problem.. I offer you this advice: be patient with your husbands and let them know how you feel and remember that none of us are perfect. In many of our cases, we are really not meaning to hurt you in any way and in this journey through life we all need the help we can get. Pray pray pray!
To the gents who struggle with this: Seek the Lord and His wisdom. Study and meditate on His word. Tell someone that you have a problem and that you want to fix it and admit that you aren't strong enough on your own to do it. Pray pray pray!

Remember we're all in this together.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/9/2008 3:07:41 PM)

Apparition, thanks for sharing your story. I hope and pray that the Lord will restore your marriage to something even better than it's ever been. Just remember it always takes time for a wife to heal and it takes a lot of hard work on the husband's part to gain back that trust. May God bless you both as you begin this journey towards healing.



Apparition -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/9/2008 3:52:10 PM)

Our marriage has already gotten better because of it and I am a firm believer in "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" as long as we truly learn from our mistakes (that's what mistakes are, opportunities to learn).

My wife is absolutely a wonderful woman and definitely my gift from God. =)



ChoirDJ -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/9/2008 5:06:36 PM)

Hello Apparition...now I don't feel like I'm the only one on here crazy enough to be so transparent on this message board (lol). By the way, Everyone knows who you are now and this post will automatically be broadcast over the 6PM news in your area and soon people will be contacting you from all over[:D]. As a man, I appreciate your courage in sharing. I don't know if I would say I was ever addicted to porn but I had certainly a time when the falls started to become more frequent. As you mentioned, I would have to emphasize that it was nothing personal towards my ex when I did it but it was sort of a vain attempt to escape the pain, hopelessness, loneliness, frustration over feeling neglected, and even boredom I was feeling at the time. Of course, it only exacerbated these feelings in then some.

I think there's a tendency for many women to take it personally when their husbands struggle with porn and that is so not the case. I understand logically how a woman could feel this way but it often has little to nothing to do with them being inadequate in some way. Now there are certainly situations where the husband is being neglected so he turns to porn out of frustration. Either way, I am not justifying it. The more we understand the motives behind it, the more helpful we can be to that spouse that's struggling. Some women tend to advocate the tough love approach and that may work in some cases. I would argue more often then not, it drives the struggling spouse, who is already feeling an immense amount of shame and guilt, deeper underground with their problem. They simply learn better ways of hiding it because most men don't want to lose their families. The tough love approach is most unhelpful when one spouse is withholding marital affection from the other spouse, yet starts to make all sorts of demands that the struggling spouse get a handle on himself/herself. Of course the problem with porn only gets worse because he/she are less likely to get help when he/she don't have the support and encouragement of the person they need it from the most.

There was a time for me when the falls were becoming more frequent and I didn't want to wait around for it to inevitably spiral out of control and destroy my family before I got help. I informed my ex that I had decided on my own volition to go to a group our church was offering because I loved her and wanted to get help protecting my family. I had already been talking one on one with the group leader about my struggles. Some time after, I found charges for a couple of adult movies on our cable bill and I thought it was a mistake because neither of us had ever done this. She confessed she had been struggling and had downloaded a couple of adult movies. and she was very ashamed she had done it. My first inclination was to point the finger but to be supportive so I just gave her hug because I knew what it felt like to be there. Long story short, we both nipped it at the bud before it became a serious problem in our marriage. Unfortunately, things didn't work out in the end between us for other reasons. This issue really does stem from one losing that spiritual connection with the Lord, not necessarily unmet needs in the marriage. Unmet needs may increase the likelihood that a spouse will turn to porn but it's certainly not the root cause. I can relate to you feeling motivated by the fact that someone who cares about you deeply was being unintentionally hurt by your actions. At the time, the unconditional love of the Lord, my spouse and the men in the group was what motivated me to want to change.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/10/2008 3:25:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

quote:

There is another issue however. Some of the posts that the ladies have made are VERY dominant.

I don't call it dominant. I call it setting healthy boundaries in a marriage. There is nothing sinful or wrong about setting boundaries and expecting the other person to be faithful in every way.


Somehow I missed several posts on the first page. [&:]

Well said Karlie! I agree. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your spouse to be faithful in every way (mental, emotional and physical).

If a man's wife is involved in an emotional affair does the husband have a right to hold her accountable and insist that she end the affair? If so, how is this any different?



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/11/2008 1:54:10 PM)

It's not a question of whether a spouse should be held accountable.

I just think you ladies have quite a bit to learn about dealing with husbands that struggle with the issue of porn.

A good response is not, I'll divorce you if you ever become involved in viewing porn.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/11/2008 2:18:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FolkSingerBlues

It's not a question of whether a spouse should be held accountable.

I just think you ladies have quite a bit to learn about dealing with husbands that struggle with the issue of porn.

A good response is not, I'll divorce you if you ever become involved in viewing porn.


Actually, I have learned a LOT (unfortunately) about dealing with a husband who is involved in porn. I dealt with it for many years. It wasn't until my husband realized I had one foot out the door that he truly changed. Not only did he stop looking at porn but he is striving and reaching an every day level of purity that he's never come close to having before. His relationship with God is stronger than ever before. He is a completely different person. He went from being a completely self-centered husband and father to a Christlike husband and father.

We have read books and been involved with a couple of ministries that deal with this issue. So we have both learned a lot about it. My husband is mentoring two men who are having problems with this issue.

And there are many times where the wife does have to take a strong stand and needs to decide if she is willing to live with an unfaithful husband for the rest of her life or not. And if she is not, then it is time to separate because after many years of broken promises the husband is still doing the same things. If a wife is married to a man who continually breaks the marriage vows by being unfaithful in his heart/mind she needs to set boundaries. I am speaking here of men who continue for years in this sin even though they've had opportunity after opportunity to repent and stop.

ETA: I recently found this ministry and it looks really good. They have some great articles with very sound advice. If anyone is looking for help in this area (be it the husband or wife) check out this site.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/



ChoirDJ -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/11/2008 7:05:27 PM)

quote:

And there are many times where the wife does have to take a strong stand and needs to decide if she is willing to live with an unfaithful husband for the rest of her life or not. And if she is not, then it is time to separate because after many years of broken promises the husband is still doing the same things. If a wife is married to a man who continually breaks the marriage vows by being unfaithful in his heart/mind she needs to set boundaries. I am speaking here of men who continue for years in this sin even though they've had opportunity after opportunity to repent and stop.


I agree...there comes a point in time where the wife has to draw the line if the husband is unrepentant.



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