Husband addicted to Pornography (Full Version)

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TenderTeddyHeart -> Husband addicted to Pornography (6/25/2008 10:34:21 PM)

Hey everyone - I have an issue I am struggling with. My hubby is terribly addicted to porn. He was discharged from the military several years ago due to health problems and we moved to PA a few years ago so he could pursue his culinary degree. He graduated in December and hasnt found a job YET. He's home all day long and is glued to the computer and porn. I'm so hurt and have told him so very many times how upset it makes me and I have even threatned to leave him. But now it has gotten to the point where he sees it as no big deal. I thought about getting rid of the internet but I need to use it for work and I even tried the parental controls to restrict his access which hasnt worked AT ALL. Im just completely at my witts end with him.

I dont understand why he would rather look at women doing all sorts of things online when he is married?? We've only been married for 3 1/2 years.

I'm plum out of options because he will not get help. [&o]
I dont want to divorce, but I cant deal with this. I am the only one working and to know he sits at home all day or at least part of the day indulging in porn while I slave away at work all day frustrated and tired just takes the cake! Good grief. The Nerve!! [>:]

Any suggestions ??

Thanks!

Bigg Huggs!



SmyLynn1 -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/26/2008 12:15:39 AM)

I hate to say it but I have been there and nothing improved over the years. The thing that has changed is that he has made some homemade porn of his own (with other women) and now swaps pornographic photos with real live women now. He just says its just the human body so whats the big deal.



karlie -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/26/2008 12:37:24 AM)

I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice; He would either deal with the issue and get counseling for the problem, or he would be moving out and taking his filth with him. I would not tolerate for a minute having porn in my home around my daughter. And I refuse to have it around me.

I believe in saving marriages and that all effort should be put into it, but if porn was an issue and he was unwilling to repent and deal with it, I wouldn't be living with him. No marriage will ever be saved by allowing it to continue. It comes down to boundaries and insisting on some respect as the his wife. If there are no serious consequences for engaging in such vile activities, then many men will never give it up.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/26/2008 12:52:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmyLynn1

I hate to say it but I have been there and nothing improved over the years. The thing that has changed is that he has made some homemade porn of his own (with other women) and now swaps pornographic photos with real live women now. He just says its just the human body so whats the big deal.

My eyes about bugged out when I read this!! Are you still married to this person? I am sorry but I would not put up with this at all!!!! I would insist on counseling or some kind of accountability. If he doesn't want to stop, I would have no choice but to separate myself from him until he is ready to deal with it.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/26/2008 3:03:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice; He would either deal with the issue and get counseling for the problem, or he would be moving out and taking his filth with him. I would not tolerate for a minute having porn in my home around my daughter. And I refuse to have it around me.

I believe in saving marriages and that all effort should be put into it, but if porn was an issue and he was unwilling to repent and deal with it, I wouldn't be living with him. No marriage will ever be saved by allowing it to continue. It comes down to boundaries and insisting on some respect as the his wife. If there are no serious consequences for engaging in such vile activities, then many men will never give it up.



Well said Karlie! [sm=thumbsup.gif] I completely agree.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/26/2008 3:13:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice; He would either deal with the issue and get counseling for the problem, or he would be moving out and taking his filth with him. I would not tolerate for a minute having porn in my home around my daughter. And I refuse to have it around me.

I believe in saving marriages and that all effort should be put into it, but if porn was an issue and he was unwilling to repent and deal with it, I wouldn't be living with him. No marriage will ever be saved by allowing it to continue. It comes down to boundaries and insisting on some respect as the his wife. If there are no serious consequences for engaging in such vile activities, then many men will never give it up.



Excellent post. I was thinking along those lines. Continuous, unrepentd of adultery IS Biblical grounds for divorce, and the op's husband, is essentially committing adultery, and not repenting.

And to TenderTeddyHeart, ((((((hugs))))). I am so sorry for this. Sometimes I think it I have difficult times being single, but to be married and going through this is way harder. I hope you can find help.



chrystar -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/26/2008 11:13:55 AM)

In reading your post, I don’t think the porn itself is really the problem.
Your husband has no job, he sits on his rear with nothing to do, and that is the real problem. I am not any way shape or form condoning the porn. But I think that your husband needs to get up off his lazy "insert adjective here" and get to work!, this alone may take care of the issue of him looking at porn. Remember there is a difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Maybe he cannot truly find a job doing culinary work, but he needs to still have a paying job while looking, I know it sounds old-fashioned, but "idleness is the devils hand" is a true statement.

As for the porn itself. As a guy and I would be a hypocrite if I said that I never struggled in that area. To someone who becomes ensnared by this, porn is not about sex and love, it about a high, much like any one who uses a drug or alcohol. Based on what you saying it sound as if he has become interested in this more so because of all his "spare" time, not something you have or haven’t done in your marriage. If you want to find out more about guys and porn, read some of the other excellent forums and posts here and even in the guys section

As for suggestions. I think that the real issue is his not having a job. Arguing with him about porn, while it may seem appropriate may lead down some darker roads best left un-traveled for now, I would suggest framing the argument more so around the lack of the job first. Putting the porn issue aside for a moment, it is completely unacceptable that your husband will not go out and find a job and help support his family. If he finds a job and the porn is still a problem then you know it is an addiction and then you and him it can be deal with it then.
May God be with you......



TorchHeart -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/28/2008 12:35:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chrystar

In reading your post, I don’t think the porn itself is really the problem.
Your husband has no job, he sits on his rear with nothing to do, and that is the real problem. I am not any way shape or form condoning the porn. But I think that your husband needs to get up off his lazy "insert adjective here" and get to work!, this alone may take care of the issue of him looking at porn. Remember there is a difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Maybe he cannot truly find a job doing culinary work, but he needs to still have a paying job while looking, I know it sounds old-fashioned, but "idleness is the devils hand" is a true statement.

As for the porn itself. As a guy and I would be a hypocrite if I said that I never struggled in that area. To someone who becomes ensnared by this, porn is not about sex and love, it about a high, much like any one who uses a drug or alcohol. Based on what you saying it sound as if he has become interested in this more so because of all his "spare" time, not something you have or haven’t done in your marriage. If you want to find out more about guys and porn, read some of the other excellent forums and posts here and even in the guys section

As for suggestions. I think that the real issue is his not having a job. Arguing with him about porn, while it may seem appropriate may lead down some darker roads best left un-traveled for now, I would suggest framing the argument more so around the lack of the job first. Putting the porn issue aside for a moment, it is completely unacceptable that your husband will not go out and find a job and help support his family. If he finds a job and the porn is still a problem then you know it is an addiction and then you and him it can be deal with it then.
May God be with you......



THIS is actually the best post in this thread, so far. Well said, Chrystar.



Gluelin -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/28/2008 3:02:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice;

Trust me. Most "normal" husbands would choose you--the real thing--over porn. It's a mistake to think that your husband desires a choice. He may be addicted to porn, but he probably still desires you. Most normal males may be aroused by porn, but porn represents a fantasy, not the real thing. Despite the confusion, lust and fantasy are not the same thing.



karlie -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/28/2008 10:49:46 AM)

quote:

It's a mistake to think that your husband desires a choice. He may be addicted to porn, but he probably still desires you. Most normal males may be aroused by porn, but porn represents a fantasy, not the real thing. Despite the confusion, lust and fantasy are not the same thing.

I absolutely agree with you there. I'm just saying if it were my marriage he would be making a choice to either conquer the addiction/lust issue or he would lose me. Thankfully, my husband is very aware of our boundaries within our marriage and agrees with that completely.



mvic -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/28/2008 1:28:19 PM)

You don't say whether you have children or not. (I guess not).

What example do you think he would set if you had children in future?



stonek -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/29/2008 10:02:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gluelin

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice;

Trust me. Most "normal" husbands would choose you--the real thing--over porn. It's a mistake to think that your husband desires a choice. He may be addicted to porn, but he probably still desires you. Most normal males may be aroused by porn, but porn represents a fantasy, not the real thing. Despite the confusion, lust and fantasy are not the same thing.


Any man or woman looking at porn is lusting. They are violating their vows as well.

I am in agreement with the others that there would be a choice of the porn or the choice to honor the marriage.



PromiseLander -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/30/2008 10:50:09 AM)

I understand that porn is most certainly a sin, but out of all these people who are so adamantly against it to the point of thinking of doing such drastic measures as dissolving a marriage, how many of you have other sins in your own life that you are unwilling to let go?

Do you get drunk?
Are you lazy?
Do you lie?
Do you gossip?
Do you read romance novels?
Do you read horiscopes in the newspapers?

Pornography is a sin, but do NOT treat this with indignation and then let other sins in your life slide. If you are to be adamantly against this one, then root out sin WHEREVER it may be found so that you may not be guilty of hypocrisy.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/30/2008 2:27:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PromiseLander

I understand that porn is most certainly a sin, but out of all these people who are so adamantly against it to the point of thinking of doing such drastic measures as dissolving a marriage, how many of you have other sins in your own life that you are unwilling to let go?

Do you get drunk?
Are you lazy?
Do you lie?
Do you gossip?
Do you read romance novels?
Do you read horiscopes in the newspapers?

Pornography is a sin, but do NOT treat this with indignation and then let other sins in your life slide. If you are to be adamantly against this one, then root out sin WHEREVER it may be found so that you may not be guilty of hypocrisy.


One of the differences is that lusting/looking at porn is a form of adultery. So I would say that it needs to be dealt with differently than the other sins you listed. That's not to say that if someone was having a problem with those other sins that it shouldn't be addressed.

Also, we are called to hold each other accountable. That's what Scripture instructs us to do. We don't have to be sinless in order to call someone into account. To me, it would be hypocritical to divorce someone for adultery when you yourself were committing adultery at the same time, kwim?



frazzledmom -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/30/2008 7:43:58 PM)

I second Chrystar's post!!! Use of pornography is mostly about medicating away uncomfortable feelings, like anger, depression, low-self-esteem.

Meanwhile you have very real feelings that need to be acknowledged and dealt with. The way he's dealing with these uncomfortable feelings hurts you and he needs, eventually, to learn new ways to deal with those feelings. All this will take time, but rest assured, a marriage can survive porn addiction if both parties are willing to work on it.

Check out some of the workbooks and material by Doug Weiss at www.sexaddict.com or pick up Every Heart Restored. Those are good places to start for now.

Encourage your husband to look for work. His self-esteem will return when he finds a fulfilling job.

Best Wishes,

Frazzledmom



DreadPirateRandy -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (6/30/2008 8:27:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TenderTeddyHeart

My hubby is terribly addicted to porn. He's home all day long and is glued to the computer and porn. I'm so hurt and have told him so very many times how upset it makes me and I have even threatened to leave him. But now it has gotten to the point where he sees it as no big deal.


As a former pornography addict of 3+ years, once you've been under its spell, it no longer seems like a "big deal", it becomes the norm. There's a few problems I see with your husband and I'll address them as so:

- Firstly, he isn't providing for you while he's sitting on his butt engaging in adultery. That's a problem, as he is supposed to be the head of the household and yearn to supply for his family.

- Because the lack of a job, or any occupation, pornography has occupied his time instead. That's how it begins and seemingly never ends, but nevertheless, it must end in order for progression to begin.

- He's either obvious to you being upset or he just doesn't take it seriously. You need to really talk to him about it. And I don't mean a five minute conversation.

quote:

Any suggestions??


Prayer above all else. It's the most powerful weapon a Christian has.

Since he appears to not worry about occupying his time with something else, you could encourage the idea of doing activities together (i.e. walking). My defeat over pornography first began when Christ saved me, but going out into nature and acknowledging His creation and simply filling my mind with His works erased the urge to lock myself in my room and indulge in hours of immorality.



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/2/2008 4:35:20 PM)

quote:

Haines607: I need my Christian friends for Christian advice. It is my goal 99% of the time to react in the way Christ wants me to react and to behave he would expect me to, so I need help!

When my husband and I were first married, after six months of marriage I caught him searching for women on myspace with those nasty sites. And he did a search for some porn but only watched probably 10 seconds of it and then he stopped. He said he stopped because he knew it was wrong and he felt convicted. He never told me about this situation and I found all of this on the history of our computer so I confronted him. He felt so guilty, I could see it, and he promised he would never do it again and even more so he apologized he would never hurt me like that again. I explained to him that I view porn or searching for women or lusting after them as a form of cheating. The Bible does say if you lust after a women then you are committing adultery.

Then about a year later I caught him again and the worst part was that he totally lied to me for a few days and when he did confess he didn't see the big deal about it and said I was over reacting. We found out a few days later that I was pregnant with our first child so he blamed my reactions on my emotional rollercoaster.

Just today, I viewed our cable bill and found that he ordered two porn movies over the past couple of months. Those who would defend him would say, "it was only two" or "every guy does it" so if that is your answer then please stop reading this. Where I come from, a man treasures his wife, promises to be true to her in good times AND in bad, doesn't lie to her, doesn't hide things and has control over his desires God has placed in him.

How would you address this if you were in my situation? I have to be honest with you all, I am so mad, hurt and upset I don't want to react in the Christian way right now but I have control over myself so I won't react in the way the enemy want me to, I won't give him power in that way too in my marriage.

I believe in prayer, so please pray for me, my husband and us. Give me good Christian advice.


I would (and have in my own marriage) tell him that it's either me or the porn. Period. And I would be prepared to leave if he chose the porn. I've been through this same cycle of lies and deceit so I know how much it hurts. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are right that you shouldn't accept anything less than what God's standards are for a marriage. Not all men do this. My husband doesn't anymore, PTL. It is possible to quit once and for all. And it is possible to have an even better marriage than ever before. It just takes lots of work (mainly on the husband's part) and time.

Feel free to pm me if you like.



TorchHeart -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/4/2008 1:03:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PromiseLander

I understand that porn is most certainly a sin, but out of all these people who are so adamantly against it to the point of thinking of doing such drastic measures as dissolving a marriage, how many of you have other sins in your own life that you are unwilling to let go?

Do you get drunk?
Are you lazy?
Do you lie?
Do you gossip?
Do you read romance novels?
Do you read horiscopes in the newspapers?

Pornography is a sin, but do NOT treat this with indignation and then let other sins in your life slide. If you are to be adamantly against this one, then root out sin WHEREVER it may be found so that you may not be guilty of hypocrisy.


PromiseLander is right. I think what we have here are a lot of people with hurt feelings going on a crusade after this one sin, and using a Blbe verse that they don't totally grasp to justify their crusade. I'm not knocking the importance of dealing with it, but I disagree with the approach.

Pornography IS a sin, but the strong arm methods of dealing with it as we've seen over and over again in this thread and on this forum are NOT the most common or proper way to deal with this.


quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzledmom

I second Chrystar's post!!! Use of pornography is mostly about medicating away uncomfortable feelings, like anger, depression, low-self-esteem.



THIS is a much more accurate way of viewing problems with pornography. Other VERY COMMON reasons why someone could be due to problems in their marriage (often a lack of sexual intimacy/satisfaction, but also can be a product of other inter-marital problems). Another common reason might be due to a "mid-life crisis." At any rate, my point is that a desire to view pornography is (more often than not) a symptom of a larger problem, such as these While this doesn't excuse the behavior, it EXPLAINS why its happening and makes it easier to address and correct.

Rather than crusading against the act and reigning terror on the sinner, I think the best method is often for a couple to talk (and if neccessary, to seek marital councilling) and find out why this is occuring. Then they can take steps to solve the bigger issue at hand (should one exist) which will in turn help the sinner turn away from this action. And there will probably be a number of much more successful ways to do this.



KPOP -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/4/2008 1:56:04 AM)

HI THERE.

I AM NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO?

BUT I HAVE HEARD -- THAT SOME WOMEN WHOSE HUSBAND TO PORNO ON THE NET

SOME WOMEN -- THEY ALSO LOOK AT THE PORNO WITH THEIR HUSBAND

OF COURSE -- SOME OF THESE MEN -- MAKE SURE THAT THEIR WIFE KNOW

AND ALL THE WIFE -- CAN SAY -- IS

YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME -- YOU SHOULD NOT LOOK AT PORNO

BUT THEN SOME MEN THEY DO NOT LISTEN -- AND THEY KEEP PORNO HOT IN THE NET

SO IF I WERE YOU

I WOULD JUST LET HIM TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT

AND TELL HIM -- THAT YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM

IF HE SHOWS YOU THE PORNO

WELL -- YOU CAN SAY -- LIKE -- OH -- WHAT BIG BUTT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

OR YOU CAN SAY -- YOU ARE CUTER?

OR YOU CAN SAY -- CAN SHE COOK FOR YOU?

OR YOU CAN SAY -- DID SHE GIVE YOUR HER EMAIL?

OR YOU CAN ASK YOUR HUSBAND ?

I HOPE I WILL NOT GET INTO TROUBLE?

BUT DID YOU ASK HIM TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU?

DO YOU TALK ABOUT INTIMACY WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

SOME WOMEN -- TELLS THEIR HUSBAND HOW THEY CAN GIVE THEM PLEASURE

SO YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE

I KNOW THAT A LOT OF WOMEN ARE EXPERIENCING WITH THIS ISSUE

AND THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT

I CERTAINLY DO NOT KNOW HOW

BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK HIM TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU

OR YOU CAN SWEET TALK TO HIM

OR TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM

AT THIS TIME -- HE MAY NOT SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM

BUT IF YOU PERCEIVER AND BE FAITHFUL -- AND BE A GOOD WIFE

HE WILL SEE

YOU CAN ONLY DO WHAT YOU CAN DO

THE LIMITS YOU CAN DO

EACH WOMEN HAS DIFFERENT LIMITATIONS

SO JUST BE A GOOD SUBMISSION WIFE

BUT DO NOT BE A DOORMAT

GUYS DOES NOT LIKE DOORMATS

GOOD LUCK

KATHY



Hislittleone -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/4/2008 2:31:58 AM)

TorchHeart,
I find the tone of your post to be a bit offensive. It comes across as accusatory and sarcastic towards some of the other posters on here. There are ways to disagree without using sarcasm or making accusations (of being on a crusade or reigning terrror against the sinner) against the other posters that you disagree with.

quote:

I think what we have here are a lot of people with hurt feelings going on a crusade after this one sin, and using a Blbe verse that they don't totally grasp to justify their crusade.


quote:

the strong arm methods of dealing with it as we've seen over and over again in this thread and on this forum are NOT the most common or proper way to deal with this.


quote:

Rather than crusading against the act and reigning terror on the sinner


quote:

the strong arm methods of dealing with it as we've seen over and over again in this thread and on this forum are NOT the most common or proper way to deal with this.


Would you mind sharing where you've gotten this information from (i.e. that these methods don't work and which ones do)?

Do you know of a marriage where the husband had this problem and has overcome it completely? What methods did they use to overcome this sin and restore the relationship?

Edited to delete repetitious phrase.



SmyLynn1 -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 1:25:54 PM)

I love how many folks have such good advice. I love hearing what they would do and, even better, what we wives should do to entice husbands back from the porn world.
I married a "christian" man, or so I thought. I am bed ridden now from Multiple Sclerosis. My husband bathes me in my bed, usually makes sure I have food, and cleans up my rear after I have bowel movements. I recently talked to him about showing me affection, intimacy, etc. He promptly told me that if I could see the nasty stuff he cleans up, especially the green infected drainage I wouldn't want to touch me either.
So bottom line I CAN'T do anything for him. I STILL have a problem with the porn thing, especially the stuff he has participated in. Yes I know I have every right to divorce him. I get to sit by and just let it all go on unless I want to get social services to remove me from my home and placed in a nursing home. So yeah, I am one of the women that probably shouldn't complain.
If I were completely healthy, then I would do thinks differently. But I still remember the promises to love, honor and cherish me in sickness and in health.
The bottom line is I don't think he is really a Christian or he would be repentant/remorseful/convicted in someway.



asmcgrew -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 1:48:04 PM)

Sorry to hear that. I've been facing the same issue within my marriage. However I just found out that my husband took it a step farther this time. He called several chat lines and meet up with two of the females he was chatting with. He swears that they didn't do anything. When I spoke to two of the females he met, one stated they didn't do anything but talk and the other swears they had sex. Who do I believe?

We been married for 3 1/2 years, dated for 5 and I'm at a cross road. You’re doing the right thing by confronting him because this addiction of pornography only gets worst if it's not dealt with. First it was him buying porn on t.v., then it was the internet, and then from there the chat lines and meeting them in person. I'm extremely upset, we have 3 kids, and I love my husband. But since I found out last week about his little meetings, I'm wondering if I can even stay married any longer. I know he really is a good man but each time I caught him he swore he wouldn't hurt me again in this manner. He's finally seeking help, but I can't help to wonder if he's really going to be able stop before he sleeps with another woman if he hasn't already.

I would see if your husband would be willing to look into a men's group in your area, or read the book Every Man's Battle (www.EveryMansBattle.com) As for you continue to pray and stay in the word of God.

May many blessings fall upon you and your house!
asmcgrew



TorchHeart -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 5:04:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

TorchHeart,
I find the tone of your post to be a bit offensive. It comes across as accusatory and sarcastic towards some of the other posters on here.


Where was there sarcasm?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

There are ways to disagree without using sarcasm or making accusations (of being on a crusade or reigning terrror against the sinner) against the other posters that you disagree with.


Really? I'm sorry. Maybe I am misreading the posts on here. I keep seeing these people post about how devistated they are that their husbands are surfing the internet looking for pornography, or that they've found some dirty magazine in their truck, or they rented an adult movie at the video store... and so on. What is their response? Anger (understandable), disgust (also understandable), and shock (again, understandable). But then comes this (for lack of a better term) rage where people seem to start brandishing torches and preparing to burn the guy at the stake (this is an allegorical expression).

I've seen posts by people in these kinds of threads where they immediately scream (yes, that is how this appears to me) out that the husband is guilty of adultry (I've discussed the error of this line of thinking before) and how he needs to be shoved in front of councillers and drug to churches and (the way I interpret many of these posts) needs to be demonized by everyone around him. Immediately, everyone assumes that this guy has a major problem in his head, and that he's going to actually commit adultry and cheat on his wife.

If you speak to marriage councilers about this subject, this can often be the sign of something else. Not just some addiction that needs to be purged from the man's system (though I do acknowledge that addictions to pornography do occur) through forceful means. I ask you, with all honesty those of you who have caught your husbands looking at pornographic matieral, do you know WHY he started looking at this? What's missing from his life that makes him think that he needs to resort to a computer screen or a DVD player to receive sexual enjoyment? FrazzledMom and KPOP bring up some EXCELLENT points in their posts that I'm trying to get to.

I'm sorry if you find my post to be "accusatory." But I really do believe that there are better methods for dealing with this than what I feel I read on here. And to be honest, some of the methods that I see people suggesting scare me.



FolkSingerBlues -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 6:09:54 PM)

I in no way would make lite of pornography's effect on a marriage.
I would also say that this is a difficult issue for women to understand in us.
While there is no doubt to the fact that viewing porn is sin, that doesn't make it a black and white issue as another post stated earlier.
While I can't fully explain, I will try to shed some light on the subject for the ladies understanding.

I have heard many women during conversations about childbirth say that no man can understand it. They can't relate. I admit it, I can't. I don't continually try, I don't continually ask question. I accept that I can't understand it. I equally do not understand the "maternal instinct" or "maternal desire". The feeling that a woman isn't "complete" if she is unable to have children for some reason. None of you ladies can explain that feeling to me, and I just simply can't grasp it. I can however try to be empathetic about it. The difference is that I do care enough about such feelings to try and understand the point of view they see such subjects from.

I can tell you this. In my personal experience with porn it is excruciating. Sometimes it feels like my flesh and spirit are being ripped from one another down the seams. It is very much like the effect of a drug. A simple taste or picture can trigger the curiosity and what seems like a moment turns into hours upon hours. Guilt comes and goes through the viewing experience. When it's over sometimes it like my mind blocks it out, other times I feel filthy knowing that I have been viewing other creations of God for self indulgence and gratification instead of what they were created to be.

Now one can make any judgment they choose to make here. You can judge ME or you can judge the SIN. There is a difference. If you condemn ME then you are directly violating what God has spoken against. If you judge the SIN you are correct. It is sin, and there is not a good reason to engage in it.

There is another issue however. Some of the posts that the ladies have made are VERY dominant. There is nothing wrong with any of us being assertive, but trying to dominate your husband, or your wife is equally as sinful as viewing porn.

I'll leave you with one thought. What if your husband were to look at you and say "Next time you sin, our marriage is over. You just can't be trusted and your evil. Your evil effects me and if I remain around you then I may be drug into it." How would you feel then?

There are no easy answers to this issue. There are no black and white answers. I can definitely understand that no one wants to be compared to another person sexually, or to have others (especially images) placed in aspect of being almost more desirable than they are.

There is some input, I'm ready for the "friendly fire to start".



karlie -> RE: Husband addicted to Pornography (7/5/2008 9:12:33 PM)

quote:

There is another issue however. Some of the posts that the ladies have made are VERY dominant.

I don't call it dominant. I call it setting healthy boundaries in a marriage. There is nothing sinful or wrong about setting boundaries and expecting the other person to be faithful in every way.



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