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Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 6:53:28 PM
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EternalGamer
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Dating Vs. Courtship
I have been pondering this for some time, and for a while I have felt led to share my beliefs and have them challenged. Perhaps to learn something new or maybe shine a light to others. Either way, I feel that God has led me to share my opinions on this topic. I will begin to explain that I personally believe in courtship, and I apologize if I seem biased on the subject, but I will try to be as openly-minded as possible.
About eight years ago, when I was only six years old, my parents began learning about courtship. They felt that it was the correct way to pursue a relationship, and so they began teaching it to my sister, who was about 15. This tore her up. She wanted to date, and began to rebel against this rule, and when she turned eighteen she moved into her boyfriend’s house to this day, doing God only knows what. Now that I am nearing that same age, they are teaching me courtship. However I also had friends that dated. So I listened to their reasoning and the reasoning of my parents. I have decided that my parent’s reasoning outweighed my friends.
I know some teens are not familiar with courtship, so this is basically how it works. When a guy is old enough to “date” and he likes a girl, instead of asking her out, he would first get to know her as a friend, and, more importantly, the girl’s parents. This would give him time to get to know her and find out if they are compatible without having to go through the heartbreak of break-ups or fights. If the guy decides he likes her, then he will get to know her and her family better. The reason for getting to know the family is if you put yourself in the place of the parents. You’re living with your daughter and one day this random guy who you don’t even know starts dating her. For all you know the guy could be some emo druggie. Getting to know the parents will make the relationship much smoother. When the guy wants to really get to know the girl he would usually go out with her, but not alone. Usually with the parents or a lot of friends with little or no physical contact between the two. This greatly reduces the temptation factor. Then, since the guy and the girl and the two family’s know each other so much, a possible marriage could happen. And it would definitely improve the marriage to know every aspect of your spouse. One of the biggest things my parents told me is to refrain from kissing. When I asked them why, they put it in a way that really makes sense:
If you aren’t going to marry him/her, then you’re kissing someone else’s future spouse. So I ask this, what could be so great in a dating relationship that can counter all of these great things in a relationship?
I’m open to any comments.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 7:10:52 PM
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StartAriot
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I think i agree with ur parents. whats the point of dating someone if u dont know if they are compatible? I mean i have had a bf recently but it didnt really make sence to have one. i mean at this age its not important. I think its pointless to date in high school, unless ur a senior. u no wat i mean?
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 7:18:08 PM
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Norny
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i think courtship a hybrid style need to be adapted parts of each....i dont like the idea of getting to know the parents better then the daughter especially at first. At the beggining or before a relationship you should focus more on the girl to get to know her... i mean she is the one your going to choice wether or not to date not her parents. Other then that i agree with courtship but most teens will never try it. And whats up with the emo druggie part...i used to be an emo druggie.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 7:25:43 PM
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StartAriot
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ya i think its a great idea to get to now her under the safety of the parents. but also u do have have 2 remember u will be marrying into her family. but u dont have 2 get know the family better. but i think it is a good idea to get to know them to a point. u no, to make the parents feal more confortable. its also a matter of respect.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 7:38:40 PM
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EternalGamer
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First off, I never said to get to know the parents better than the girl, second, I think if the parents tell you that you shouldn't date their daughter, you should respect their wishes. I think it would be cruel to tear a girl away from her family just because they "don't have a choice". I think you should be on good terms with the parents if you want a smooth marriage. Third, the key word is that you used to be an emo druggie.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 7:40:34 PM
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StartAriot
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ya i agree wit u about the respecting the parents. i mean it is their daughter!
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 8:39:55 PM
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DreadPirateRandy
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I always thought friendship WAS the start of a relationship, then said relationship develops over time as you begin to know each other. This process also reveals whether you truly love them or not.
I've never heard the way of dating so downly played so much before. Maybe my viewpoint of dating differs from the worldview of dating. I'm old fashioned anyways, so naturally I want the approval of the parents to date their daughter, and to get to know them as well.
If you're positive and assured with the knowledge of God that she is the one for you, I seen absolutely no point in isolating yourself from her as much as courting prohibits. Not being able to be alone with her, or even disallowing physical contact, I couldn't handle that.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 8:54:52 PM
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EternalGamer
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By physical contact I don't mean a friendly hug, and being alone I believe is a great starter to something you shouldn't get into. The way I see it, if there was a landmine sitting in front of you with a pie next to it, would you test the mine and get close to it to try and get the pie? Would you think, "Well, the mine might not explode, and that pie sure looks good"? No, you would get as far away from that mine as possible. I see being alone with a girl the same way. Why play around with something that could possibly end up impacting you both negatively?
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 10:53:23 PM
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Konstantinos
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i wont start a relationship with a girl till at LEAST shes my best friend. and believe that takes a lot right now
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 11:02:20 PM
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Norny
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quote:
ORIGINAL: EternalGamer
First off, I never said to get to know the parents better than the girl, second, I think if the parents tell you that you shouldn't date their daughter, you should respect their wishes. I think it would be cruel to tear a girl away from her family just because they "don't have a choice". I think you should be on good terms with the parents if you want a smooth marriage. Third, the key word is that you used to be an emo druggie.
Ok let me retract myself a bit.....THE NEW RESPONSE
I think it is great to know the parents, actually i usually like to meet parents because most parents like me (dont ask why) and im not sure where i stand as far as respecting parents wishes not to date...honestly i dont know which way to go, so im not going to go there and last the key term is used but i still take offense because you use it in a condescending form...not all drug addicts are bad......its obviously not good that they put themselves in that position but until you are an addict you have no idea...no matter how good of a person you are...it is to break the addiction
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/26/2008 11:08:08 PM
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PrincessButtercup
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I hate to be predictable, but I agree with Randy. I think friendship would be the start of a relationship which would develop over time. You don't need dating or courtship just to get to know somebody. And starting out as friends would automatically give the families a chance to know each other.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/27/2008 2:48:34 AM
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Konstantinos
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i like meeting cool parents
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/27/2008 3:27:11 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: EternalGamer
The way I see it, if there was a landmine sitting in front of you with a pie next to it, would you test the mine and get close to it to try and get the pie?
Depending on the deliciousness of the pie.
Cherry? Ok.
Apple? We'll see...
Pecan? Forget about it.
quote:
Why play around with something that could possibly end up impacting you both negatively?
Self control goes a long way. My girlfriend and I was alone a lot. We held hands. We hugged. We kissed... a lot. Never once did these situations impact us negatively, or even begin to.
I'm not going to miss the chance of loving on her when life is so incredibly short. You don't need to be bound by fancy stipulations in order to control a God given ability, or to have a well founded relationship.
We have the best relationship, by the way. It all begins at the friendship stage and it evolves into being best friends with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/27/2008 9:50:59 AM
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EternalGamer
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But what if you end up not marrying the girl? That means while your kissing and hugging her, you're kissing and hugging someone elses future wife. I don't know about you but I sure wouldn't want t find out my wife was kissing on another guy, even if was five years ago.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/28/2008 1:03:17 AM
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Konstantinos
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i'd just ask if he was better than me. hah
yeah ok i'd prefer that she didnt either.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/28/2008 3:46:01 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: EternalGamer
But what if you end up not marrying the girl?
'Not' hasn't nor will ever be an element mixed into the equation. There isn't anyone else for her, nor for I. Why? Because that's how God designed it. When you've been given that assurance, the 'not' becomes non-existent.
Marriage has been the plan ever since we knew we wanted to be together forever. If it was left up to me, I would be married as soon as possible. But God has brought us this far, and He'll take us to that point in due time. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy spending everyday together.
But for the sake of being hypothetical, if she ever was involved with someone else, I would hire a sniper to gun him down. That, or dress up in a bear suit, maul every male in my path, and hope that I got the right one. If not, that's a lot of girlfriends to apologize to.
quote:
That means while your kissing and hugging her, you're kissing and hugging someone elses future wife.
Yes, I am making out with my future wife. There's no 'someone else'. Not ever.
quote:
I don't know about you but I sure wouldn't want t find out my wife was kissing on another guy, even if was five years ago.
If remained pure, you wouldn't have no worries. But that's not something that's so easy to come by now-a-days, in Christians too.
< Message edited by GrapeApe -- 6/28/2008 3:52:45 AM >
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/28/2008 2:35:12 PM
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ChiefWannahakaloogie
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like others have said, i want a friendship first. i want to be best friends with my dude before i ever start anything.
i think its important for both people in the relationship to get along with eachothers families, and to have the respect of both.
i dont like rules. even though sometimes they are neccesary, i know. for me, i dont want to have a set of rules we must obey when im in a relationship with a guy. each of us should already know our boundaries and things we shouldnt do etc etc.
also like randy said i dont see the point of having to take so much time like courtship requires. IF you know for sure with no possible sliver of doubt that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, why take so much extra time courting? once you have that assurance, i dont see one reason to spend another day alone.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/28/2008 8:01:19 PM
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EternalGamer
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But you can't know for sure that you will be marrying her until you propose. If it isn't in God's will, then it's not going to happen, no matter how much your hormones tell you that you "love" her.
It's kind of like a kid that says that no matter what, they will be a cowboy. That kid can think of nothing more than being a cowboy. But as that kid matures, he probably won't be a cowboy. Just because someone feels so strongly about something doesn't mean it's going to happen. God's will is stronger than anything, even love.
< Message edited by EternalGamer -- 6/28/2008 8:10:10 PM >
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/28/2008 10:30:19 PM
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Konstantinos
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i still want to be a cowboy!
or maybe i just want the cows for the milk and meat. big difference
but really depending on your expectations when you meet someone that actually fulfills them and you have a decent enough knowledge of what you truly want then you wont find all that many other people that fulfill them too. i for one highly doubt ill find lots of other girls that'll be anywhere near as awesome as my wife.
now you can throw stones at me.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/29/2008 9:37:12 PM
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ShutterBox
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dating is lame.
Why go out with a bunch of people just to test if they'll be compatible? Best friends usually end up making the best couples. That said, why should anyone worry about it? Since this is a Christian thread I'll throw out that God does have his ways and plans..... I'm in no hurry to find me a relationship, and God hasn't brought anyone even close to consideration.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/29/2008 9:41:25 PM
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EternalGamer
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Amen.
That is exactly right, IMO. When people date, I've noticed that sometimes they are intimidated by the other person. When people are best friends, though, people really seem to get to know eachother.
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/30/2008 2:02:18 AM
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Konstantinos
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intimidated, thats why i never ask out girls from college. on the other hand its hard to get to know them...
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/30/2008 2:52:53 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I don't usually post in X-treme teens, because I'm far from being a teen (36 to be exact), but when I saw this title, I had to pop in. This is addressed to the original poster. When I was very very young, (16/17) I was a big fan of the courtship movement. Until..........I went through it. From ages 17-21, there was this one guy that off and on I was in a courtship with, but it never worked out, you know why? Because he wasn't so crazy about me? Far from it, he was head over heels for me. But I was completely turned off by him. You know why? Because he carried courtship to such an extreme that it was like he enjoyed my dad's company more than mine, and I felt at times that he was just using my dad to manipulate me.
So, I see where you are coming from, and some courtship principles I totally agree with (no physical touching), but I really think instead of courtship OR worldly dating, it is better to do something like christian dating which honors parents' wishes, and involves the parents, but don't ever make the girl feel like she is merely a piece of cattle that you and her dad are bargaining for. If I had not felt like I had been treated that way, I would not be a single woman today, as I did in some ways care for the guy, but being made to feel like I was on object in a store to be discussed and debated over and bargained for completely turned me OFF.
He ended up marrying someone else, but he treated her and her dad with equal value. He asked her dad's permission to date the daughter, but he also made sure he could ask the daughter herself, rather than having the dad ask on her behalf. He said he learned how to do things right with the girl he did marry from all his mistakes with me  .
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 6/30/2008 3:37:59 AM >
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RE: Dating or Courtship? - 6/30/2008 4:05:19 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: EternalGamer
But you can't know for sure that you will be marrying her until you propose.
I can't know something that God has personally assured me of? No offence, but until you've been through the process I have, you really can't see where I'm coming from.
quote:
If it isn't in God's will, then it's not going to happen, no matter how much your hormones tell you that you "love" her.
Please remember that I'm eighteen. I've had four more years of experience with hormones than you, probably to a more extreme considering my past. Love and hormones have NOTHING in common, not in a real sense anyway, that's something you'll realize once you go through the experience. So I'll just disregard that statement.
Love is everlasting and unconditional despite whatever emotion you're going through. Hormones is temporal and usually the cause of infatuation.
Like I've said over and over, I know it's purely God. It's no different than someone being called into ministry, but I'm never seeing someone objecting to that.
God has a mouth. He speaks to His children. Through His promise and our prayers, I can know for sure.
quote:
Just because someone feels so strongly about something doesn't mean it's going to happen.
It's the complete opposite. I didn't feel confident about it in the beginning. It was God whom completely changed that.
You can't argue that, no matter how hard you try.
quote:
When people are best friends, though, people really seem to get to know eachother.
A relationship starts with friendship. You don't have to have stipulations in order to start a friendship.
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