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ChoirDJ -> DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/26/2008 7:32:54 PM)

What have you learned?

I'll start.

1). I attended my 2nd group this past week and I've learned the importance of taking the necessary time to heal and work on the issues that contributed to the divorce before starting to date again. It's easy to jump the gun and getting involved in another relationship when you've ended a long term marriage due to the uncomfortable of being "suddenly single" again. Not to mentioned, our lifestyles become centered around being married.

2). One of the main reasons second marriages have a much higher failure rate is because relatively few people go to a divorce recovery group after getting divorced.

3). Depending on the circumstances, it can take on average 1/4 of the time the marriage lasted to fully recover to the point of being ready to date again.



hotsaucygma -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 11:39:50 AM)

Good lessons to have learned already. I went to DivorceCare after my divorce 51/2 years ago. I would say that what I learned there was dead-on and very, very helpful.

I think your #2 could be expanded to say that 2nd marriages so often end in divorce because most people don't follow #1 [:D]. Going to the support group can be beneficial, but if you don't do the healing and work to find out the causes for the divorce, and I don't mean the "surface" causes, chances are much higher that you will get it "wrong" again.

I was married 29 years, and was so surprised to hear that it would be about 5-6 years before I should "date" again. If you had asked me 3 years ago if I was ready to date again, I would probably have said yes (even though I wasn't wanting to), however I think I would have been wrong. I healed and grew a lot during those first couple years, but have do so much more so in the last 2-3 years!

As always I heartily endorse DivorceCare, and suggest taking lots more time than you think you need to heal before dating!



zoebob -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 11:44:21 AM)

I also support DC. The points you made in the first post are right on. My lawyer (also an elder in my church) told me the same thing. Don't even think about trying to date again for a while. Pick a time in the future and commit to not even thinking about it until them. He didn't suggest as long a time frame. However, he lovingly pointed out that he doesn't want me to be like some other people that he's filed 2 divorces for in only a few years.



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 1:01:04 PM)

Great responses so far but it dawned on me that some of the people on this board may have used resources other than DivorceCare. Let's expand this thread to include anything you've done to help you heal from the divorce whether it was counseling, another divorce recovery program, or just plain personal study in God's word.



alanajackson -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 3:22:51 PM)

Good forum here! If I waited 1/4 the time of my marriage I would be too old to date LOL. I was divorced at 50 and married for almost 30 years. One thing that helped me the most was to find a church with a home Bible study group. They have been my support group. An EXCELLENT book I read that helped me was Confessions of a Good Christian Girl by Tammy Maltby.



hotsaucygma -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 3:28:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alanajackson

Good forum here! If I waited 1/4 the time of my marriage I would be too old to date LOL. I was divorced at 50 and married for almost 30 years. One thing that helped me the most was to find a church with a home Bible study group. They have been my support group. An EXCELLENT book I read that helped me was Confessions of a Good Christian Girl by Tammy Maltby.
LOL, not really. I was divorced at 49 (and that was 5 1/2 yrs ago)and married 29 years... I think I've still got a few good years [:D]- but not too sure about wanting to date. I have done some, I'm not sure it's what I want though. [&:]



allisonbrett -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 3:40:52 PM)

The important thing is to protect your heart. Lonliness, feelings of rejection, depression, etc. are all common in the first months/year after separation and divorce. I hear of so many newly single agains talk about wanting to find an opposite sex friend for companionship. BIG MISTAKE!!! Being so vulnerable and emotionally fragile and lonely will override your friendship and lead down a path that you're not ready for.

<----- former DC counselor

It's a great program. I saw so many hurting souls find hope and healing and able to rebuild their lives, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and even financially after divorce. It's wonderful to see when some couples even reunite and remarry each other and restore their families.

There was a new program for kids, DC 4 Kids which helps kids from ages 5 - 12 that was being introduced when I left counseling. I hope they will do one for teens. I'd love to get involved in that.

For those of you who are in DC, keep your eyes on the Lord and trust Him for your healing. Keep up the good work! What you learn can lead you to help others in the future!

Blessings!



zoebob -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 6:03:20 PM)

In my DC group one of the male leaders was getting ready to remarry his ex-wife. The head leader said it was the first time in 10 yrs she saw that happen.
DC4K is great too.



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 6:34:09 PM)

I have a female coworker who divorced and remarried her husband twice. She considers herself a christian and didn't want to commit adultery by marrying someone else. She stated they remarried her husband too soon after their first divorce so they ended up getting divorced again. She stated they were separated for three years the second time, which allowed both of them the time to work on themselves before remarrying for the third time.

I was very tempted to take my ex back and I would get really emotional every time we talked on the phone when we first separated. It was so hard not to become sentimental and take her back out of pity. I can totally understand why people go back to horrible relationships though. It's because that horrible relationship is there and you can have it right now whereas that healthier future relationship is not. I had to make a decision to not be intimate with her anymore shortly after we separated because that only muddied the waters ever more emotionally.



alanajackson -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/27/2008 8:57:54 PM)

It would be so easy at times to take your spouse back. Or have him take you back. My spouse did a 360 in his attitude several months after the divorce. As long as things go smoothly, and we go out and have only light discussion all is well. But he has never dealt with the bottom line issues which is very obvious when a crisis occurs (as did recently when our adult daughter became ill.....actually she was high on something, and he flatly refused to help me get her to the hospital...she is fine by the way)....Dealing with any serious issues and he immediately falls back into the old patterns. I have to be careful not to and pray for Gods guidance.



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 1:40:29 AM)

That was one of the things that happened with my Ex. She kept saying that she had changed and had realized she made a lot of stupid decisions throughout our relationship and wanted another chance to prove she had changed. I told her that I could no longer take her at her word because of all the lies and deceit and that I would have to see a sustained change over a period of time. As I watched her, it was apparent that she would go back to alienating herself from the spiritual women in her life and making poor choices whenever things got tough. The more I watched her coices, the more it corroborated that I had made the right decision by filing.



becomingwhole -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 8:56:22 AM)

I went through DC about four years ago. I believe it was key to my healing process. I also know it is wonderful for kids and helping parents understand how important it is to be there for them. I will say after the class I also waited to date, and I am one of the ones who have remarried my ex. The DC directors, which are also pastors at our church, did our counseling. We have now been married for 2 1/2 years. I do recommend the program to any of my friends going through a divorce, or a child from a divorce.
Becomingwhole



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 1:52:58 PM)

I thinks it's great in the rare occasions that a couple is able to work out their problems and remarry each other. I kept my mind open to the possibility for a while (even after my ex confessed an affair). It seems she has been going downhill very fast because she continues to make poor choices. She pretty much abandoned the children and her relatives in this area and moved to another state to "start all over". We still talk occasionally and she confided that she was living in a homeless shelter the last time we talked. She has a mental illness that's been progressing and I'm not sure she's taking her meds. I'm really sad for her.



CherishedbyGod -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 4:48:32 PM)

Would any of you be willing to share some of your feelings with me when you first knew that there would be a divorce, during the process, for the first year and...?

I am a writer and I focus in on hurting people - abused, outcasts, people involved in addictions and lately people involved in broken relationships.

No problem if you don't feel comfortable sharing it on this public forum, but I thought I would ask, anyway....

Thank you....



zoebob -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 4:51:46 PM)

Are you looking for specific stories to write about or just to get a general sense of how people react.



CherishedbyGod -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 5:53:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zoebob

Are you looking for specific stories to write about or just to get a general sense of how people react.


Just a general sense of how people react.

Thank you!



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/28/2008 8:38:57 PM)

I don't mind sharing, especially if what's share could be of benefit to someone else. Afterall, that's why these forums exist I imagine.

To start, my ex has a mental illness that has progressed over the years but wasn't diagnosed until the last year of our marriage. I remember feeling so frustrated and perplexed over her tendency to be reasonable at times yet irrational at others when it came to common sense decisions. She made a lot of impulsive decisions that led to our financial ruin and I remember feeling so trapped and powerless since the family was being taken along for the ride. One of the impulsive things was her deciding to move out and abandon the family, which left us scrambling for a place to live because of how she dealt with the landlord. Not long afterward we lost the place, she wanted to get back together. After much consideration, prayer, and advice, I had made a decision to file for a legal separation for the purposes of protecting myself legally from her decisions. I had no intention of filing for divorce, because I had no biblical grounds to. However, I wasn't going to live under the same roof with her again until she got the help she needed and demonstrated a pattern of stability over time. She gave me an ultimatum to get back together with her or she was moving on to another relationship because she wasn't willing to wait that long. I stood firm on what needed to happen before we reconciled. About two months into our separation, she confessed out of guilt that she was involved with someone else and had been intimate with this person. She felt so bad that we actually wrote up a marital agreement right there on the spot, which was a major blessing. Of course I was devasted initially because I really wanted things to work out but I later saw it as an answered prayer.

It was still hard emotionally filing for divorce because I was the one essentally "pulling the plug" on our ailing relationship. At this point I feel very sorry that it came to this but I have no doubts whatsoever that I did everything I could to live up to my vows before God. In the end, I was outmatched by the mental illness and her unwillingness to get help despite the urging of many close friends who saw the changes. The process of the divorce has been surprisingly smooth although I was anxious about the first court date. I didn't know whether it would be Dr. Jekyl or Mrs. Hyde appearing so I literally didn't know what to expect.

There have been periods of profound sadness and a mourning over some of the happier times. I don't know if this answers your question. Simply put, I've experienced a range of emotions and I continue to experience them even though things get better with time. I feel a sense of relief in being able to start over in so many ways and not worry about what decision she will make next that will come back to haunt me.

Hope this helps.



CherishedbyGod -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/29/2008 8:29:49 PM)

Thank you, ChoirDJ,

Yes, it does help especially when you shared your feelings....

To any of you...did it at times feel like a slow death? Not in a suicidal way but did it just feel like a part of you was dying?

Did the enemy pound any of you with feelings like you were a failure?

I sincerely hope these questions don't cause any triggers to you. I will stop if they do...please let me know..



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/29/2008 10:21:30 PM)

I think my most prevalents feeling has been one of relief but intermittent times of profound sadness that things ended. I feel as though God has freed me from a marriage that had been a thorn in my side for many years and I thank Him for that everyday. The manner in which I was freed was painful but it was the only legitamate way to be freed...and I never prayed for God to end the marriage btw. I prayed for Him to intervene on my half due to being at the mercy of my ex's choices. However, even in bad marriages, there are often the good times, rituals and the memories. I would become emotional for most of the time after I got of the phone with her especially after a good long conversation (when she was in her right frame of mind). Whenever I talked to her in Dr. Jekyll mode, I would be relieved to get off the phone with her and glad I didn't have to live with it anymore. Note: For those who might be wondering what Dr. Jekll and Mr. Hyde are all about, this is from a Bugs Bunny cartoon where there was a man who would swtich between two separate persons but each was not aware of the other. One was very nice, humble man and the other was a crazy doctor (lol). Every marriage has rituals such as things you do to pass time or places you eat and going to some of those places alone would trigger a memory and some sadness. All of the holidays were a bit challenging the first time around.

I can't say I felt much failure because I know before God I did absolutely everything I could. I wasn't perfect and there were things I could have done better in retrospect but nothing I could have done that what have ultimately affected the outcome. I do struggle with a sense of shame and embarrassment especially when I run into old friends that didn't know about out divorce. I have regrets over not listening to those who were really looking out for my best interests (especially my parents) because my parents have watched me and suffered along with me over the years. I've apologized to them so many times for the disrespect and how I did things and they've been very gracious.

I will be the first to say there are some silver linings in that I have learned so much wisdom over the years that will serve me in the future. I wouldn't have ever found the great ministry that I am now a part of if it hadn't been for my Ex.



car2ner -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/30/2008 7:14:34 AM)

No slow death but relief. My friends were relieved. They had watched us struggle for years. There are old rituals and photos of good times and those memories are still there. The old memories don't undo the roller coaster life we had. I did not feel like a failure only because, even though noone is perfect, I did all that I knew to do. It just came to a point where I felt released because the choices my ex made were getting more and more dangerous.

I have forgive my ex. He is married and on the other side of the planet. I actually hope that things are going well for him and his wife, even though they were dating online for years, even while he was still married to me.



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/30/2008 11:13:42 AM)

quote:

I have forgive my ex. He is married and on the other side of the planet. I actually hope that things are going well for him and his wife, even though they were dating online for years, even while he was still married to me.


That's when you know you've made a lot of progress...when you can actually wish the best for the person despite things not working out. I continue to pray that my ex's circumstances (boy is she going through th wringer) will cause her to return to God and I really do wish her the best whenever I talk to her.

However, one of my good friends would probably describe his divorce as a slow death because both ended up getting attorneys and the divorce was drawn out for a long time. Unfortunately, much of what could have been shared between them ended up getting taken in attorneys and court fees. We have our group meeting tonight and I'm really looking forward to Week 3.



hotsaucygma -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/30/2008 11:46:52 AM)

The slow death was the death of the marriage. Yes, I did feel like a failure- mostly during the marriage though. I truly thank God that I had the parents that I did, I believe if I had not gone into the marriage with a healthy self-esteem and good loving background it would have destroyed me. As it was, for about 15 of the 29 years we wre married it almost did. It took about 5 years or more for me to really sink to the lowest point of my life... and about 5 or more to get back to a healthy point. Those years inbetween were, well years I try to forget for the most part.

When I finally filed for the divorce, it was kind of anti-climatic. I think I felt numb for several months, or at least numb with intermittant periods of anger (that was such a surprise! I have never been an "angry" person, the amount/degree of it shocked me.), pain and sorrow, but mostly numb with a sense of relief. I was so grateful for peace. Our divorce was final in October, that first winter I pretty much hibernated just enjoying the quiet and peacefulness of life. I guess kind of like a wounded animal, I 'holed up' and licked my wounds. That's when DivorceCare really helped me! I still feel great sorrow for the marriage I had vs. the marriage it should have/could have been from time to time, and probably always will to a degree. I do believe that a married couple becomes "one flesh", but just like a (one) body can have an amputation, so can a marriage. In fact I have often described the divorce that way - no one ever wants to cut off a limb, however if your leg has gangre and there is no hope, you would cut it off to live. They say amputees always "feel" the leg/body part amputated even though it isn't there any longer. So it was (for me) with divorce. A part of me had been ripped away, not a clean surgical cut, a ripping jagged tearing. It will always have been a part of me that I won't forget or never again "feel" or miss.

My Ex died last year, it brought a whole new set of things to deal with. I still feel a bit like a "widow" because a man I loved deeply and lived with, had children with and wish more than anything could have had a good marriage with, is gone. I grieve for him, but did most of my grieving in the last 5 years so that makes it easier- on me anyway, my kids well that's another story.



alanajackson -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/30/2008 11:53:54 AM)

A deep sadness that lingers, a longing for what might have been but never was. I had a husband who allowed our adult children to trash our home, never disciplined them (they still live with him at 21 and 26 yrs of age, he pays all the bills although both of them work)...hiding money from me (hiding a large amount he inherited from sale of his familys land while demanding i go to work cause we "couldnt make ends meet"..he was sitting on enough to pay all our debts and I could NOT work due to physical problems.....)....profound disrespect of my elderly parents. after not speaking to me for months after the divorce during which he suffered heart problems, he totally changes his attitude towards me while being unwilling to discuss the deep issues that led to all this mess....he is depressed, and crushed by all this.....he says.....but still unwilling to do the work it would take to restore our family.......its sad..its a struggle...God has been so good to provide for my needs as i had no money at all.....I live, sad, struggling, hopeful...standing on the promises of God!!! I will never allow him to abuse me again.



hotsaucygma -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/30/2008 11:55:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alanajackson

A deep sadness that lingers, a longing for what might have been but never was.


Yes, that's it.



ChoirDJ -> RE: DivorceCare Support Groups, So... (6/30/2008 2:08:53 PM)

hotsaucygma...I could totally relate to what you are saying. In retrospect, I would consider it to have been a slow death because my ex's mental decline happened over the years. It was so gradual to the point that I didn't suspect a mental illness until the last 3-4 years or so. The diagnosis caused me to go back and connect all the dots to behaviors and attitudes I was seeing and it all made perfect sense.

I often compare my filling for a divorce with the feeling one probably has as he takes the family pet to the vet for that last time to have him euthanized. You do it because there's no hope of the pet getting better and you want to put it out of its misery. Being the one to actually file was like putting that needle in the marriage and injecting the poison. Even though you know you are doing the best thing, it still hurts so much to have to do it. As alanajackson was saying, it's a deep sadness over what could have been but never was.



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