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Focusing -> Expectations (6/27/2008 9:09:50 AM)

Women marry men expecting to change them.
Men marry women expecting them to not change.


We've all heard the saying ... but how realistic is this comment?

As singles, what are the expectations we have when we look forward to our future in marriage?


Women, do you expect your future husband to change after saying I Do?

Men, do you expect your future wife to change after saying I Do?


If yes, in what ways?

If no, why not?



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 11:18:34 AM)

quote:


Women, do you expect your future husband to change after saying I Do?



ABSOLUTELY NOT..well I mean, I expect him to age, of course, and christians should always be growing in grace, but marrying someone thinking you can change them is a recipe for disaster. The most miserable wives I have ever met are the ones that thought they could change their husbands. If someone drinks excessively before marriage, they most likely will after marriage. If he has abusively punched you before marriage, he will after marriage. That is why it is so important to look for good Godly character ahead of time, and even have friends and family evaluate the potential spouse.



Focusing -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 11:23:44 AM)

What kinds of expectations do I have for my future husband?

Well, first and foremost, the very act of marriage causes me believe he must change.

What?!?!

Well, of course I expect that. Why wouldn't I?

I expect him to become the leader of the household ... obviously, I fully expect him to become the spiritual leader. I expect him to lead our family in daily devotions. I expect him to lead and guide us as we study the Bible. I expect him to encourage us to search God's Word during difficult experiences and changes and growth periods. And I expect him to help us through this process when we need guidance.

I expect him to continue loving us, not taking us for granted as time goes by.

I expect that he will continue to respect and honor me and my opinions.

I expect him to step in as a father to my son. For those who do not know, my ex recently passed away, so this will naturally be an expectation for me ... not that my son forget who his biological father was ... but if I do remarry while still raising my son, I expect him to step in and take that role. And I expect him to allow my son to honor the memory of his father, and to help guide him through the grief that he may experience for many years.

I expect him to take the role of financial leader in our home. And I expect him to be financially responsible.

I expect him to desire to spend time together as a family ... devotions, being involved in ministry at church, cooking, working on the house, outdoor activities, exploring our surroundings, taking trips, and so on ... and make us and keep us a priority (after God of course).



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 11:31:11 AM)

Well, those things are just desiring a decent husband, but you still have to evaluate beforehand whether someone will be that kind of person or not. No one can make anyone else into that kind of person.



Focusing -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 11:33:41 AM)

OOHJ, you made me smile. [;)][:D]

You are correct, a woman absolutely should not marry a man thinking she can "fix" him. The reason I smiled when I read your post was because that seems to be what one would think about expecting a spouse to change.

But I think after seeing what I wrote, you will understand that expecting certain changes - particularly taking the role of leader in the home - is a good thing. I think it's important to know what these kinds of expectations for marriage, and potential parenthood, are ... and that will help us in viewing the men we date, and help us determine whether he has these important qualities.

[:)]


I expect to spend time daily preparing family meals, that's important to me in family life, and I desire to have a man who enjoys doing such things. So, knowing I have this expectation, that would be something I look for in a man that I date.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 11:36:56 AM)

I agree with the previous posts. From a man's perspective, there is a lot of true to the old adage, "The same thing it takes to find a good man, it takes to keep a good man." I would expect that both persons would change over time in positive ways with maturity. I think most men expect that the person he marries will continue to show him the respect and appreciation that made her attractive to him in the first place.

Oneofhisjewels pointed out that many women come into the relationship expecting to "mold" a man into what she (meaning that woman) wants rather than marrying someone who already possesses those qualities. Many women lose respect for the man when he fails to rise up to her expectations for change and that will always make for a miserable marriage.

The moral of this post: Don't marry a "Fixer-Upper" expecting to change that person according to your expectations. It's unfair to the other person as well as yourself.



gaylel1 -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 11:40:07 AM)

If you are expecting to change your future husband because of a "fantasy", you better forget it (and I'm not saying this to be negative or ruffle some feathers here) because you cannot change a man because of what your expecting, the holy spirit changes people, not you or some self-concived fantasy that we watch on televison or Christian authors expects us to have.

I've learned this from my late husband a few years ago and that is to quit changing people and let God do the work. Better yet, make sure that this man you are choosing is someone who is following the Lord and not because of a name because anyone can say they are a christian, but many are not bearing fruit and don't know how to be a godly husband.





ChoirDJ -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 4:36:43 PM)

I going to coin a new cliche based on the idea of marrying someone and then trying to change them into who you think he/she should be.

"A Fixer-Upper may be a great deal as a house but not as a spouse."



Focusing -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 4:43:12 PM)

Love it!!


(and incidentally, that trademark phrase is available ... just had to check ... it's my business [sm=Llol.gif][sm=Llol.gif][sm=Llol.gif]



Blazingson -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 4:53:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

I going to coin a new cliche based on the idea of marrying someone and then trying to change them into who you think he/she should be.

"A Fixer-Upper may be a great deal as a house but not as a spouse."




I've told people for years that too many women view choosing a mate the same way a man views choosing a house:
They both stand back, take a good look at their "project" with their fists on their hips and a look on their faces that's a mixture of pride, satisfaction and determination and say, "Yep! That's a fixer-upper. I'll have it/him in shape in no time."

Personally, I'd rather have a spouse and a house that's ready to go as soon as I move in.

And the only changes I expect are those that come naturally with age. Namely; Wisdom, Character, Grace and Strength in the Lord and the inevitable physical deteriorations.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 4:57:48 PM)

(does this sound like our infamous "hair" thread???) [:D]



hotsaucygma -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 5:05:58 PM)

LOL, Lisa.

A couple things came to mind. First, the changes a man expects NOT to happen are often physical (the hair thread... [:D]), the changes women expect TO happen are usually personallity/service type things. These are both generaliziations, but I think usually what that "old adage" is about.

There are changes we should be able to expect, and some we should not. Finding the difference, that's the interesting part, lol.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 5:10:51 PM)

I think this is part of the reason why I'm still single. I try not to see the potential of men, but take them at face value. Perhaps, I should see the possibilities of positive change in people once they are in a relationship but I probably play it too safe not to try to see what is not there....yet . I'm too realistic.



Focusing -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 5:50:16 PM)

quote:

(does this sound like our infamous "hair" thread???)


Oh my ... I certainly hope not! [:'(]

This is definitely not about "I want someone with this kind of hair ... " or "I expect them to always keep the body they had when we first met" or anything along those lines [&:]

My hope was to get people thinking ahead as to what they do expect out of a future spouse. What are the "qualifications" we are looking for. Obviously, as a believer, I want a Godly man. And I also know, through experience, that just expecting him to change and mature into the man I thought he *should" become didn't work. Of course, there were other factors involved in my situation, and things completely out of my control, but I hadn't clearly thought it through either.

Falling "in love" oftentimes causes us to not think clearly, or look ahead to what our needs will be. "We're so in love, we both know that everything will just work out perfectly" is a Hollywood fairytale.

I think it's wise, and quite reasonable, to think ahead to what kind of man/woman that we want raising our children, what kind of man/woman do we want to grow old with. You know, identify those important qualities.

For those of us who like to plan, it will get us thinking, and in the process get us to open our eyes. And, hopefully, help us in the dating process weed through the duds, as well as help us know which traits we need to work on and present in a positive light to attract the kind of man/woman we desire.

[:)]



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 5:54:22 PM)

Marriage certainly changes everyone to some extent and the best is to talk about the potential changes before you get married. I think no matter what, we will change. The dynamics of marriage are so different that you have but no choice not to change. We should love our spouses for who they are when we get married. However, marriage has enough "demands" and changes that we need to change for the better. I totally expect both my FH and myself to change in some way.

And I disagree that we can't change our spouses. We actually do. My DF is valuable to me in that he teaches me things that I need to learn. I am valuable to him in that I teach him what he needs to learn. We both realize, accept and appreciate that to the core. That is why we love each other. If you become one with a person, you should have absolutely no problems with our spouses trying to change us and vice versa. And keep in mind that I talk about positive change. If you are going around trying to change every single attribute of your spouse then he/she will resent you.



makarizo -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 6:08:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
take them at face value.


me too,... I am very "here and now" and don't do so well when change -whatever it is - the next level, ..... something seems to happen every time, and it has something to do with the great friendship that was established is garnished (smothered) in unexpected expectations.
which maybe I would have been fine with if I would have seen them coming.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 6:19:06 PM)

I think though the dynamic of relationships stay pretty much the same no matter who you are with. If a person has been in enough relationships they would see a similar pattern. I think it has more to do with people. Honestly, you don't truly get to know a person to full extent until you are married, when you have to face day to day life with them.



makarizo -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 7:18:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
you have to face day to day life with them.

[sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]

I will expect a lot of faith!!!



jlp1 -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 8:35:28 PM)

quote:

Well, first and foremost, the very act of marriage causes me believe he must change.

What?!?!

Well, of course I expect that. Why wouldn't I?

I expect him to become the leader of the household ... obviously, I fully expect him to become the spiritual leader. I expect him to lead our family in daily devotions. I expect him to lead and guide us as we study the Bible. I expect him to encourage us to search God's Word during difficult experiences and changes and growth periods. And I expect him to help us through this process when we need guidance.

I expect him to continue loving us, not taking us for granted as time goes by.

I expect that he will continue to respect and honor me and my opinions.

I expect him to step in as a father to my son. For those who do not know, my ex recently passed away, so this will naturally be an expectation for me ... not that my son forget who his biological father was ... but if I do remarry while still raising my son, I expect him to step in and take that role. And I expect him to allow my son to honor the memory of his father, and to help guide him through the grief that he may experience for many years.

I expect him to take the role of financial leader in our home. And I expect him to be financially responsible.

I expect him to desire to spend time together as a family ... devotions, being involved in ministry at church, cooking, working on the house, outdoor activities, exploring our surroundings, taking trips, and so on ... and make us and keep us a priority (after God of course).


Focusing, I like the way you think!!!!![:D]


quote:

My hope was to get people thinking ahead as to what they do expect out of a future spouse. What are the "qualifications" we are looking for. Obviously, as a believer, I want a Godly man. And I also know, through experience, that just expecting him to change and mature into the man I thought he *should" become didn't work. Of course, there were other factors involved in my situation, and things completely out of my control, but I hadn't clearly thought it through either.

Falling "in love" oftentimes causes us to not think clearly, or look ahead to what our needs will be. "We're so in love, we both know that everything will just work out perfectly" is a Hollywood fairytale.

I think it's wise, and quite reasonable, to think ahead to what kind of man/woman that we want raising our children, what kind of man/woman do we want to grow old with. You know, identify those important qualities.

For those of us who like to plan, it will get us thinking, and in the process get us to open our eyes. And, hopefully, help us in the dating process weed through the duds, as well as help us know which traits we need to work on and present in a positive light to attract the kind of man/woman we desire.

Love it, love it, I feel the exact same way!!!!!!!



gaylel1 -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 9:07:18 PM)

Let me ask everyone and that is what if your expectations about your mate is not the expectations you have? Would you be disapointed then? Would you walk out on your future mate even if she/he gained a few pounds or not strong in the Lord?



Focusing -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 9:33:27 PM)

Hi Gayle!

We're not discussing things like a little weight gain (we left that to another thread that I think (hope) has died).

As far as his strength in the Lord, I believe that would be evident during the dating phase ... an integral part of who he is. Definitely an expectation of mine. It's possible to have times in our lives where we might feel less close in our walk, perhaps taking a little detour, and I would be there to encourage him and help bring him back to the path. I would expect him to do that for me as well.

As far as our expectations not being the expectations we have ... I think I understand. Do you mean we *think* we know what we want, then when we get married we realize that there were better, more important things we hadn't thought about?



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 10:24:29 PM)

For me personally I have an issue with the whole being, "strong in the Lord thing". What exactly does that mean? I know we have had discussions on this before but I still have trouble understanding exactly what being strong the Lord means (or at least what it should mean).

...I look at myself for example. I consider myself strong in the Lord but I'm nowhere near perfect. And I think it takes a deeper relationship really to be able to tell if someone has a good relationship with G-d. I'm not going to base church attendance, how often one reads the bible, or any outwardly action as a primary indicator. If that were so, then that would disqualify me. All of that are just accessing ourselves to a good environment. Some of the most Godly people I know are introverted so they don't always show themselves at face value. Again, it takes a mature relationship that has developed over time to really understand their relationship with G-d. And Sam you are right in that both in a relationship are there for each other when we are down.

The only expectations I have is to not have any, other than that the person should value themselves, me and first and foremost, G-d (and by value I don't mean be perfect as husband or wife). The rest you leave up to G-d. Whatever HE expects of you or the other person is what we should strive for.



willfs -> RE: Expectations (6/27/2008 10:31:06 PM)

So can you flip a husband like you flip a house?? Just kidding

I think I understand the what the first part means: The women expects the guy to become a better person.... right?

What does the second part mean? The man expects the woman to always be ......?



John_O -> RE: Expectations (6/29/2008 11:40:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

(does this sound like our infamous "hair" thread???) [:D]



This is exactly the premise of the hair thread!! (linked for your convenience)
How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be?

Read the first few pages.



willfs -> RE: Expectations (6/30/2008 1:03:34 AM)

Okay, no one answered my above questions but thats okay[:(] I have more thoughts.

Could part of a women's expectation that the guy will change be routed in truth. I still hear about guys on first dates who are clueless about how to treat a girl. I used to be clueless but spending time around women has changed me. Think of all the goofy, immature things guys do. Then think about that guy a couple years into marriage. I am not saying her expectations can't be too high.



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