My husband gets so angry (Full Version)

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freckleonear -> My husband gets so angry (6/29/2008 4:54:39 PM)

My marriage is in problems but I'm desperate to make it work, as I don't believe in divorce. I do believe that love is a choice. I'm hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice, so I will try to be as honest as possible in what I say.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 2 years. He is 22, I am almost 20. Yes, we are very young, and no, I wouldn't marry that young if I could do it over. We also have a 6 month old son, who we love to bits.

Here are a few things that I don't really want to write, but they are relevant to our situation at the moment, so I will share them anyway.

My husband was badly abused as a child, first by his natural father and then by his stepfather. He was fostered at the age of 12, his foster father is a Christian but his foster mother isn't, so he has never really seen a good Christian marriage up close.

We started going out when I was about 16 and eventually got engaged. He forced me into sleeping with him, which my parents soon found out about. I had an ectopic pregnancy where I almost lost my life, after which we both went to marriage counseling with our pastor and his wife. As well as being diagnosed with depression (although I never told my family), my previously healthy Christian life was shattered and even now I am not as close to the Lord as I was and want to be. For the next couple of years I struggled, finding it hard to believe that God could forgive me and even harder to forgive myself. Having such a high view of purity and chastity made this doubly difficult.

We were married just days before my 18th birthday. I loved him (and still do), but also felt that I had to marry him now that I had slept with him. I remember walking down the aisle thinking "what on earth am I doing?" Not exactly a wonderful foundation for a marriage to be built on.

For the first year we were at university in a city away from our home area. Then we moved back closer to our families and my husband eventually managed to get a shop job to support us. He hates his job, as he earns very little, finds it boring and has no opportunities for progression. I think this may be causing him to be a bit depressed at the moment.

So that's our background, now for the problems.

He gets angry. Not very often, but when he does he scares me. He often lashes out and hurts me, once he even tried to strangle me. He exploded again this evening, but fortunately he just threw my computer on the floor and smashed a table lamp.

I am extremely argumentative and annoying at times. So I'm sure I'm more than partly to blame for his anger, but it concerns me that he cannot deal with it except striking out at me. This evening was the first time he hasn't hit me and has hit something else instead, so maybe that's a sign that he is learning to deal with it? I'm getting much better at just holding my tongue and not saying anything when he begins to get cross, but eventually he still explodes.

When he gets angry, he becomes a completely different person. An incredibly spiteful person who hates me and who cannot listen to reason. He tells me how he feels trapped in our marriage, how miserable I make him feel, how I hurt him even more than his abusers ever did (I think this was because the first night we moved into our new home in the city, I cried because I was homesick, apparently he has never forgiven me). He also tells me how much other people (friends, his parents, etc.) hate me. Then a few hours later he will switch back into being a loving husband, telling me that he didn't mean any of those things.

I have to confess that I have resented him a few times, particularly since our son was born, on difficult days. Resented the fact that I am not even 20 and already married and a mother. Resented him for taking away my purity and my freedom of choice. Wished that I could have married him later. I know those are not good thoughts, but I am human. A few weeks ago after one of his angry outbursts, I explained to him how I felt. He acknowledged his guilt in what happened, which really helped me to come to terms with it, and these thoughts have not really been a problem ever since.

Also, I am worried for his spiritual health. He avoids church whenever he can and does not read his Bible or pray. I feel like I cannot speak to him, as my own spiritual walk is far from perfect and he is supposed to be my leader. One thing that is good though, is that we have prayed together nearly every night since we were married. The only times we don't is when he is angry and refuses to.

Help! What I am doing wrong to make him so angry with me? How can I make him love me again? How can I be a better wife?

I'm sorry for the ramble, but I posted here once before when my husband started buying lottery tickets (which he still does, incidentally) and received some very wise answers, so I am hoping someone can advise me. Thanks for reading if you got this far.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/29/2008 5:32:24 PM)

quote:

Help! What I am doing wrong to make him so angry with me? How can I make him love me again? How can I be a better wife?


If he is so out of control that he tried to strangle you, and throws items at you, you are not in a position to make him change. Violence is *his* choice and not your fault, no matter how argumentative you are. It is good that you see your own fault and are working on your attitude, and you should continue to do that (because it's good for *you* to be patient, kind, and compassionate), but his behavior is extreme and he will very likely just find some other excuse.

Are you willing to call the police and press charges against him the next time he lays a hand on you? I am very much an advocate of treating one's husband well, and submitting to husband's leadership, and all of that. However, there are both religious and civil laws against wife-beating, and your husband should pay the consequences if he refuses to control his anger. It's all well and good for him to feel guilty but that doesn't help you much the next time he's annoyed and decides you're a handy target to take his feelings out on. [:@]

Being a good wife (or husband) is simple. Be loving, kind and care for your spouses needs above your own. It's fine for you to do that and become a Godly wife...however, caring for your husband's needs above your own feelings will require that you face the really scary prospect of getting help for both of you and possibly even testifying against him in court if it ever comes to that, and not letting his outrageous behavior continue.

Do you believe you can address this with your husband without him flying into a rage? If it can be done safely, you do need to let him know that any further violence is going to result in severe consequences for him. If you think he couldn't handle a conversation like that without getting dangerously angry, then it's time to take your baby and yourself to a safe place, and deal with him through a third party. You need to find a counselor who will hold him responsible and set the rules and requirements your husband will need to follow for reconciliation (ie: he would have to complete a certain length of counseling, go through an anger management program, show humility and take complete responsibility for his actions, etc).

Another thought--is it possible that he is either involved with some drugs, or steroids, or has a mental illness? It would be helpful for you and your counselors to know that when you're working through things with him.



NotDoneYet -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/29/2008 5:48:55 PM)

Just one question...what are you going to do when/if he lashes out at your son in anger?

My advice is that it's time to get BOTH of you into counseling, whatever meds may be necessary, and BOTH of you learn to live together without repeating the patterns of the past.

I am married to an abuse survivor, and while he isn't terribly violent anymore (that's a whole 'nother story that I won't go into here), he will be nasty, mean and sarcastic to our little ones. I call him on it every time, but in a gentle, loving way, not nasty, not harsh, not ugly.

I wish you well.



ShutterBox -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/30/2008 8:36:30 PM)

We are the same age! I'm not married, but I think growing up as a step child and seeing my parents have their uh.... fits and bouts, and dealing with the repercussions that effected me, has helped me understand a lot.

It really sounds to me that you were sucked into the naive vacuum, pushed along by guilt and probably influenced by someone around you. When he forced you to give up your purity that should have been it. However the heart is a cruel thing, and we think with it more then our minds and over rule any faults because of "love". I had one relationship, and I played the fool because i thought I was suppose to love him because he said that he loved me(but, I am a very strong willed and conscience driven individual. So we broke up before any damage was done.) The correct definition of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13. Love is the exact oposite of how your husband is acting and obviously feeling. He's hurting you, engaging in fits of rage over small things no doubt, and eventually could harm your son. And maybe not even physically. But the mental and emotional damage a child will have from this atmosphere in your home is devastating and to be blunt, will screw him up big time. Somewhere there is a bible verse that says to not cause your children to wrath. When your son is older and processes how his father is towards you and possibly him when that time comes, you wont know what the results will spring and he could very well lash out at his own father.

Your husband is an example. Someone needs to get it through his mind that what he is doing to you is only a mirror of what his father and step-father did to him. And if he didn't like it, he should understand that you don't like it either.

I do not believe in Psychiatric medicine for that kind of individual. He's got a lot of rage no doubt because he is still angered by what his childhood was like. He needs to get over it. He needs to understand that the past is done, however as young as you both are, you can be better people then the ones who offended you by simply not acting like them.

Divorce is legit if he does not improve. Two people are not suppose to be unequally yolked. He is only keeping you down, he is abusing you, and has the potential to do serious harm or even kill you and probably your son. It is a very sad and harsh reality.


I am astounded that this actually happens with "Christian" people. But another sad truth is, that title doesn't matter in this modern world. Doesn't humanity stink? I'm sorry about your situation. I will say a prayer for you, your husband, and your son, and for God's will to be clear to you.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/30/2008 10:08:45 PM)

quote:

I loved him (and still do), but also felt that I had to marry him now that I had slept with him


That is never a good reason to marry unwisely. But I won't delve too far into that, as surely you have already figured that out, poor thing, you have already had to live that lesson.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/30/2008 10:10:52 PM)

quote:

I'm sure I'm more than partly to blame for his anger,


NO, NO,NO! Each person is responsible for his or her OWN actions, reactions and behavior.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/30/2008 10:15:27 PM)

quote:

How can I make him love me again? How can I be a better wife?



You can't MAKE him love you. We can't make anyone do anything. Ok, I guess in the concrete sense a parent can make their child do their homework, but we can't MAKE someone have a Godly characteristic, which is what love is.

I think how you can be a better wife is a very secondary issue at this point. What you need right now is counseling for him, and a safe haven for you and the baby.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/30/2008 10:19:33 PM)

quote:

For the next couple of years I struggled, finding it hard to believe that God could forgive me and even harder to forgive myself.



God will forgive ANY repentant sinner. ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, not just those who committed sexual sin. Don't worry about forgiving yourself, we don't need forgiveness from ourselves, only from God and the one(s) we have sinned against. If you think you can't forgive yourself, then you are not trusting God that he forgave you.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: My husband gets so angry (6/30/2008 10:21:08 PM)

Are you writing from Canada? You don't sound like you are in the U.S.



gmc4Jesus -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 12:39:50 AM)

Freckle,
Jewels posts several very good comments. In my 58 years of life, I have also observed some things that I think might help.

1. Get yourself into counseling and pray that your husband will go with you. Go to http://www.retrouvaille.org/. This is a program that has helped save marriages that were even in the final stages of divorce. If local counseling doesn't help, I believe they can.
2. Pray for God to bless your husband. If possible, pray for him in his presence. Don't ask God to change him, but to bless, encourage and love him. Also ask God to help you be a loving wife that will help him feel that you respect him.
3. Praise your husband for everything that you can find to appreciate him for. A woman's confidence and appreciation will drive her husband to great success. Encourage him, believe in him and trust that God will help him to become the blessing that you are seeking to have.
4. Know that when a woman is arguing with her husband, her words are often so powerful (and often times, lacking of logic) that he is defenseless. He will often feel that his only recourse is to yell back, run away or resort to drugs or alcohol to escape the pain. This makes it paramont that you praise him, pray for him and really watch your words when you are venting or complaining.

My wife and I pray for each other, attend church together EVERY SONday, and look for reasons to compliment each other. It's working very well.

May God give you the wisdom and strength to save your marriage and make it last for a lifetime!



stateofgrace -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 8:24:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShutterBox


I do not believe in Psychiatric medicine for that kind of individual. He's got a lot of rage no doubt because he is still angered by what his childhood was like. He needs to get over it. He needs to understand that the past is done, however as young as you both are, you can be better people then the ones who offended you by simply not acting like them.


He likely does need to get over it, but we also don't know if there are any medical conditions that play a factor in his behavior. There are several mental health conditions where people don't react with appropriate restraint to anger/frustration triggers. They have to learn how to better deal with it, but medication may also be helpful in treating the symptoms of their condition.



slushie -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 10:11:23 AM)

That's true, stateofgrace. I also agree with Jewel, he's responsible for his own actions and behavior. It's not your fault. About the argumentativeness, I can't really say. But I know that some men may feel that their wife is naggy and it really makes them feel inadequate. However, I don't think this is the case.

Go for counseling.



TorchHeart -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 11:32:44 AM)

I'm another advocate of what Jewel said. You CANNOT MAKE your husband love you. You also are NOT responsible for his actions; HE IS! My wife and I have had heated arguments, too. Every couple does. But if he is getting physically violent with you during these arguments and attempting to do harm to you (such as throwing things or trying to strangle you), then this is a serious issue.

I know you said that you don't believe in divorce, and you probably don't have to go down that route. I do, however, advocate the following:

1) WATCH FOR SIGNS OF ABUSE ON YOUR CHILD!!! I know it sounds cruel to say this about someone you see as a loving father, but if he is doing these kinds of things to you (his spouce), there is a good chance that he could shift his anger to your son as he gets older.

2) SUGGEST COUNCILING!!! He needs it! He obviously has issues with anger management. Whether or not this comes from his past is not the issue, yet. The issue right now is that he has this problem, and it needs to be dealt with before something REALLY bad happens. If he doesn't want to go to councilling, seeking it for yourself at the least for having to deal with this situation is still a good idea, too. Don't be afraid to attend counciling, together.

3) BE PREPARED TO CALL THE COPS!!! If he continues to abuse you (especially if he refuses councilling), this is going to be necessary. You have to protect yourself and your child. Maybe the intervention of police will help him to realize that he has a serious issue, too

4) BE PREPARED TO LEAVE HIM!!! I'm not saying divorce or permanently leave him, but you may need to get away from him for your own physical safety, and that of your child. Have AT LEAST ONE safe place in mind where you can go to get away from him (possibly for an extended period of time).

5) KEEP PRAYING!!! There is no issue that God can't handle. Keep your faith up. But please, be realistic. Sometimes God wants us to help ourselves, and if the situation is becoming too dangerous for you and your child, you need to take action.

6) DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR HIS ACTIONS!!! Nobody... NOBODY... NOBODY... deserves to be beaten, choked, continually talked down to, insulted, etc. Especially by someone who is supposed to be their life partner. You are a child of God and a human being, and you haven't done anything bad enough to deserve this. REMEMBER THAT!!!!!

I will be praying hard for you. God's speed. :(



stateofgrace -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 11:34:54 AM)

I think the OP should go for counseling on her own, and she might want to read some books on the topic of abusive relationships (triggers, etc). Above all, she needs to protect herself and their child. The OP mentioned physical violence and that is very disturbing. While it does sound like she needs to work on herself, no amount of nagging justifies physical violence.



TorchHeart -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 11:36:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stateofgrace

I think the OP should go for counseling on her own, and she might want to read some books on the topic of abusive relationships (triggers, etc). Above all, she needs to protect herself and their child. The OP mentioned physical violence and that is very disturbing. While it does sound like she needs to work on herself, no amount of nagging justifies physical violence.



I couldn't agree more.



crankius -> RE: My husband gets so angry (7/1/2008 11:53:33 AM)

I just want to say that I'm very glad you have made your post. You are very right and brave to seek help.

Others have had very good things to say. Seek counseling for yourself even if your husband won't go.

I pray that God will give you the courage to pursue help and counsel!

I hope you know that your husband's problems run much deeper than simply responding to anything you do or say, so please don't blame yourself for his state of being.

Now, today, is a great time to seek help. If the current pattern continues in your marriage, both of you will be greatly harmed, your marriage will be in ruins, and your son will suffer--I am certain that both of you want something different for your son.

The Lord can redeem even the most unredeemable! I pray the Lord softens your husband's heart so that he will work with you to get counseling and serious help, to put your marriage on solid healthy footing.



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