Questions Questions Questions (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Relationships



Message

savedbylove112 -> Questions Questions Questions (6/30/2008 4:11:08 PM)

Another grouse about my mother--I know, I asked for prayer for her recurring cancer, and I am concerned for her health--but I still live with her, and we still have issues that I need Godly advice on.

My daughter and I have a great relationship, and part of this relationship is respecting each others boundaries. If she doesn't want to talk about something, I don't push her for details. Mom, on the other hand, wants to know every graphic detail about every part of our lives. Whether we want to share it or not. Whether it concerns her or not. And many things my daughter and I share, she either does not understand or has no interest in. My daughter and I share a love for action/sci-fi movies, but when we try to explain them to Mom, she either zones out or presses for more details than sometimes we can give.

I know she wants to be more involved in our lives, but if it's frustrating for her that she can't grasp what we're talking about, it's just as frustrating for us trying to explain it to her, knowing she will never understand. Why does she keep pressing for details, knowing she has no interest in it or cannot grasp the full scope of it? Like, you know how you have a group of friends or family members, and you all have your own language or inside jokes that no one else gets? Well, Mom has to "get" everything--she wants to be "in" on everything, whether or not it applies to her or not. How can I explain why Rachel and I enjoy the "Alien" movies, "Predator" movies, "Resident Evil" movies, when Mom is a strict "chick-flick" chick?

I know, I sound so ungrateful again, because my poor mother wants to be a part of mine and my daughter's lives and we're "shutting her out"--but no more so than her other children and THEIR kids' lives. Why is it that, just because we share a roof, we have to share every little thing about our lives? And also, Mom insists on telling us graphic details about her life (read: Postal job) to US, when we could either care less, or have no clue what she's talking about--she tends to talk as if we know exactly WHO she's talking about or WHAT (Postal job terms). And it's NOT that she's LONELY--she's got more friends than I can count that she both talks to at work all day, and gets on the phone with at home at night and weekends, PLUS family members (my aunts and siblings). So why do WE have to hear it all the time?? We vant to be left alone! Is that so wrong?



pbaribeault -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (6/30/2008 5:29:53 PM)

It's not wrong to want some personal space and some time without conversation.

Why is it that you can tell us, but you can't tell her? Sometimes being clear can be a little impolite, but with grace and humour you should be able to make yourself clear.

First, decide what your limits are. Some people like to talk (and listen) as a sense of connection, not so much about content, Exactly how much of that kind of mindless chatter about separate interests are you OK with being involved in, if you were to just think about it as 'being nice' in a way your MIL understands and thrives under? Figgure it out. None? Some? 5-10 minutes per day? Half an hour twice a day? Once you've decided that, then give that amount freely and without frustration, as a gift. Feel good about it.

Once you've hit your limit, say something. Something kind, but clear, "Well, MIL, that's about all the postal chat I can take for today! I'm going to start dinner." (smile & depart) "You know it's funny how things are so interesting when you work in a certain field and other people just don't get it. I'm sorry you've had a frustrating day, but I don't need all the details just to be sympathetic. Would you like some tea? I'm going to read for a while and thought I might make myself a cup."

The movies are easy... next time she expresses interest, tell her she just has to see it to get it, then rent it for her. If she doesn't like it, then keep reaffirming, "It's just not your type of thing, but I like it." And if she does like it, then she will be an insider and all of you might enjoy your conversations more.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/2/2008 3:50:31 PM)

This happens when you are sharing a home... the downside is you may end up hearing about stuff you don't want to hear, lack of privacy, having to explain things you don't want to explain and ... well, you get the point.

*It's hard to share a house when you're not too compatible... just remind yourself it's not forever... the day will come when you and your daughter will find your own place.... I know you will be CELEBRATING big time when that happens!!!



savedbylove112 -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/3/2008 11:02:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Why is it that you can tell us, but you can't tell her? Sometimes being clear can be a little impolite, but with grace and humour you should be able to make yourself clear.


Because I understand where my mom is coming from, having seen her in action for so many years--to ask for my personal space is taken as a personal afront to her. She's got this thing in her head where I'm supposed to be just like her on way too many levels, and since she misses her own mother (Nana went to be with the LORD in 2004), she thinks I should miss her and want to be with her, talk to her (she calls home in the middle of the day from her job just to "chit chat", even though I'm busy around the house, out running errands [then she's mad that I'm not home sitting by the phone waiting for her to call], or otherwise keeping myself busy somehow) and share every aspect of my life with her. But we live in the same house so she is already privvy to more of my life than most adults would be comfortable with, and I know more than I care to about her life as well. But like I said, to ask for time to myself (read: apart from her) when she's available is like an insult to her. [8|]



shadowspring -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/4/2008 6:43:38 PM)

quote:

But we live in the same house so she is already privy to more of my life than most adults would be comfortable with


I don't know about adult children, as I don't have one quite yet. But our family spends way more time together than average, we have no secrets from each other, and we all know where each of the other family members is pretty much all the time.

What privacy is she invading? Does she not respect a closed door? Follow you around everywhere you go?

It sounds to me like a minor personality conflict. Perhaps you are a low social needs person and she has a much higher need for human-to-human contact? You posted somewhere that she talks a lot with people outside the family, too.

Maybe if you just both took an internet-based personality test and discussed the results, you could find a middle ground you both can be happy with.



creationtalk -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/5/2008 8:58:57 AM)

It sounds like you really need to establish some reasonable boundaries. I shared a house (and a one bedroom apartment before that) with my mother for several months one year...I know, doesn't compare to the time you have been with your mother...ANYWAY, in the house, we each had our own "private" space. Mine was a remodeled storage room that was attached to my bedroom, mom's was an unused bedroom. When we were in those places with the door closed, we were to be given privacy with the only exceptions if we invited someone in or there was an emergency that required our help. This worked very well for both of us. Neither of us had the door closed a lot, but it helped to know that there were times we could get completely away.

From the sounds of it, your mother wants you in the home. If this is the case, then you have some leverage to request reasonable boundaries and courteous treatment.

quote:

I kinda feel obligated to Mom, for fear she'll do something stupid like get into another bad relationship--


This quote from your other thread has me concerned. You are not responsible for the things that your mother does or does not do. She is an adult and quite capable of making her own choices. I understand that you would feel that you are some how responsible for her, but you really are not. At some point she has to be responsible for herself.

Blaming others for one's own bad choices is childish--my 7 yo son gets angry and breaks something..."You made me do it because you wouldn't let me do _____." No, you got angry and made a bad choice.



savedbylove112 -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/6/2008 3:14:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowspring
What privacy is she invading? Does she not respect a closed door? Follow you around everywhere you go?


Sometimes, she does follow me around! But no, she does NOT respect a closed door--the mentality being "It's MY house, I can go where I want." I am just a very private person--I like my own space, and I don't like people (even family--sometimes, especially family [;)]) prying around my stuff. I keep my bedroom door shut when I go out, and one time, I came home to find my mom coming out of my room, shutting the door behind her rather quickly. She said she was looking for a VHS tape, but didn't have one. [>:] I'm getting a lock for my door ASAP.

I think you're right about the whole social-needs thing. I think Mom needs to be around people most of time, whereas I enjoy being by myself sometimes more than I do being with others. She doesn't see that what she views as expressing familial interest in another's life, I feel as smothering and intrusive. But once again, I can't tell her this, knowing she will get all kinds of "bent" and take it as a personal affront. [8|]



shadowspring -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/6/2008 7:11:07 PM)

Well, that's where a third party (even if it's just a compute print-out verifying that you NEED alone time like she NEEDS people time) could be really helpful.

If you can explain it's all about you and has nothing to do with her, maybe that will keep her from being offended.



IonMoon -> RE: Questions Questions Questions (7/7/2008 8:05:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: savedbylove112
I think you're right about the whole social-needs thing. I think Mom needs to be around people most of time, whereas I enjoy being by myself sometimes more than I do being with others. She doesn't see that what she views as expressing familial interest in another's life, I feel as smothering and intrusive. But once again, I can't tell her this, knowing she will get all kinds of "bent" and take it as a personal affront. [8|]


You don't have to tell her. You understanding it can be enough so that when she does things that make you feel smothered... you can accept it as being who she is and leting it go.

It seems to me that you are doing what you accuse her of, except you recognize that it is a personality thing. One way is not better than the other- it is just personal preferance. You know that when she does something you don't like, it is just a difference in personality/nneds... and yet you still take it as a personal affront.

Do what you need to do to set boundaries, but no need to be offended by her actions, knowing it is just how she is.

My grandmother and I had a HORRIBLE relationship until I learned to do that. Nothing about her changed. But I stopped getting offended by her actions, knowing it was her personal problems/differences and no reflection on who I was. I didn't have to defend myself anymore. And because I was no longer being defensive, she responded more positively to me.

The conflict ended because I removed myself from the conflict. You can't have a fight if one person is refusing to participate.

Tara P



Page: [1]



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI