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Ninjaearth -> RE: physical contact (7/2/2008 11:55:11 AM)
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You know, it's things like this that make dating and seeking a mate very difficult for Christians. Do you know why? Because many Christians are so legalistic in attempting to live a holy and pure lifestyle. On the other hand, Christians who have a more liberal approach to their faith (that is, they are less restrictive when it comes to certain things) are usually downcasted by those who are against any physical contact before marriage. In their eyes, any physical contact is wrong outside of marriage because it can lead to sexual temptation (as some have noted already). The other side of this believes that some physical contact is acceptable because it doesn't lead to sexual temptation and allows them to express their love for one another unsinfully (if I may use this term) in their relationship. The restricted side uses Scripture to justify their cause (as you have seen) and rightly explains that we should avoid sexual temptation of any kind, while the other liberal side simply acknowledges that while they do agree that sex outside of marriage is wrong, physical contact is okay as long as it doesn't tempt them. So, the main issue, of course, is who is right? Should we, as Christians, avoid all physical contact because of the dangers of being lead into sexual temptation, or can we be allowed to express our love to our gf/bf prior to marriage in non-sexual ways or contact that doesn't lead to sexual behavior and still be pure for God?
The ultimate answer must come from Scripture, regardless of what the person thinks. Not just that though, it must also come from the correct context as well. It has been rightly said that, in regards to 1 Cor 7, that Paul was referring to sexual contact when he talked about that it was good for a man to not touch a woman. Many may try to use this to justify that no physical contact is allowed prior to marriage, not even holding hands. Other Scriptures that may be used would be 1 Thess 5 and the later part of the chapter that talks about abstaining from all appearances of evil (some versions may read a bit different). That can be taken to think a boyfriend/girlfriend kissing are actually married if someone were to see them in the park, at least that's a Christian's thinking. You find out that they are not married and are like "should you be kissing outside of marriage?" So, again, what does the Bible say about physical contact in a dating relationship? Nothing.
I will explain. First of all, any physical restrictions in regards to man and woman are directly related to their sexuality. 1 Corinthians 7 is full of this, as Paul addresses, those who are single and have not married, the married, and those who are thinking of being remarried, and widows. Nothing in this passage will work for a dating relationship (directly) because he's not talking about checking someone out for a while and while doing so no touching. The main reason: in that culture, if you were not married, you were single and not dating because most marriages were arranged. Furthermore, this "dating" concept didn't exist back then; wasn't in the practice of the cultures. So, you can't rightly justify this as a principal for dating, directly, as the issue of not touching a woman or man in a non-marital relationship. It will work however to remind those who are dating to refrain from sexual activity because this is the context in which it was intended. Secondly, kissing in a relationship isn't directly addressed (what I mean is that you find a verse in Scripture that says "thou shall not kiss") as kissing, in general, was a normal practice for the culture. I am taking this from Romans 16:16 where Paul writes to the Roman church and tells them, at the end of his letter, to greet all the brethren with a holy kiss. He repeats this in other letters like 1 Cor 16:20, 2 Cor 13:12, and 1 Thess 5:26. Based on these passages, a holy kiss was a greeting among the church body, like handshaking or even hugging is practiced in today's churches. Now in our culture we only kiss those we care about, and we dont' go around kissing people we general know as a greeting. Some cultures today still practice this and it a norm for them, but strange (very strange) to us here in America. But sure, all that kissing didn't lead to sexual temptation otherwise it would have been a moral problem. That is much different than a man kissing his girlfriend and vice versa, as they are not "greeting" each other with a holy kiss. Rather, it is, for some, the highest expression of physical contact that tells them that they love one another, aside from various deeds done in love (romantic ones) or general expression. For some, they can kiss and not go further whatsover; for others, it's an obvious door to temptation that leads them to go all the way. So, what does the Bible have to say about this? No kissing? On the contrary, it says to greet one another with a holy kiss. That's as best as we can do with kissing, in general, as far what the Bible says. However, the Bible does say that we are to control our bodies in a holy manner and not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God (1 Thess 4:1-8). Again, in regard to context, what does Paul mean? He relates the control of our bodies to that of heathens who don't know God that passionate lust with their bodies. In the same passage, Paul again refers to sexual temptation because he tells the believers that they are to remember who they are to walk according to the commandments of Christ and to control themselves. So, the issue then, in this passage, is self-control. They are to control themselves because they are now saved from being out of control like the Gentiles are because they don't know God and follow the lust of their flesh. So, what does that mean for Christians who are kissing outside of marriage? The better question to ask is this: do they control their bodies in regards to each others' sanctification and not in passionate lust (out of control) like the Gentiles? Or in other words, do they let their passions control them rather than them controlling their passions? If the answer is yes, then they are sinning against God. If not, then what's the problem? Because according to the passage, if they are control of their passions and have control, they are obeying the commandments of Christ. It all goes back to loving your neighbor as yourself (right after loving God with your whole being) and all that Christ taught through others throughout the NT. Anything that leads two people into sexual temptation (or has the power to) should be avoided at all cost; kissing is no exception. So if this is you, then it's obvious what you need to do. So, based on this passage, if you are controlling yourself correctly and not in passionate lust, then you are not sinning. In regards to kissing for those who are dating, I would strongly advise you to examine your convictions and set up appropriate boundaries for this kind of thing. This leads me to Titus and the principals that are taught in there; on the other side, it is still a matter of conscience, especially if two people are strong enough to kiss without going all the way. Regardless of which you fall under, remember that man and woman are naturally attracted to each other and those "natural" feelings will occur one way or the other. So, it's all about control, control, and control. If you don't have it, DON'T KISS. In more explicit words, if you or your "other" has had any problems with sexual temptations in the past, it's probably best not to do this. If two people are virgins, then it's probably less likely that they would be tempted to go all the way (without their nerves being shot and high-wired for paranoia) but they still need to be careful. They, however, are more likely to control themselves since they have never encountered sex before. So, again, both control and conscience are needed.
Okay, so physical restrictions in Scripture, in regards to male-female, relationships are focused mainly on remaining sexual pure and kissing needs to be controlled or refrained from depending on the control of the individuals who are not married. So, what about holding hands and all that other stuff and where do we need to get our standards for dating? The answer to the last part is Scripture. But didn't you say that Scripture didn't hold any principals for dating? Yeah, i did, but all Scripture is useful and profitable for correction (2 Tim 3:16); Plus, again, while I did say "directly" Scripture has nothing to say about dating, it does have plenty to say about single people, because single people (in our time) are the only ones that date (I'm not counting married people who do this illegally according to their marriage vows and I'm not referring to married couples who are dating their spouses regularly, as the context of this discussion is in reference to singles as the thread is initially for). This means, then, that instead of searching Scripture for "dating" principals that we should be searching Scripture for singleness behavior that governs all of our relationships, including male-female, relationships. With that, I turn to Titus 2. In Titus 2, there are four things I want to you be aware of: young men, old men, young women, and older women. Ask yourself this question: how is a young Christian man suppose to act? Apply this same question all other parties as well. Let's see what is says:
"2Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.
3Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,
4so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,
5to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
6Likewise urge the young men to be sensible;
7in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified,
8sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us." NASB
Our main focus is going to be on the young men and the young women (since in our time this is the typical dating age for most Americans). The young are to be sensible, examples of good deeds accompanied by pure doctrine and dignified, and good speech (not unwholesome, gossip, talking down to people, etc). Young women are to be sensible pure, and kind. Notice I omitted the characteristics dealing with husbands, because again, we're dealing with single individuals are who are not married; in no one I am omitting this from the original text, as all of this still applies, apart from this discussion because it's sacred Scripture. Our focus is on those who are not married, so being subject to your husband in this context will not fit. What we want to focus on is the character of those who are not married and this gives us good details on the characteristic of both men and women. Granted, however, this passage deals with women that are married, so I really am going a bit off here on the subject, but it does hold some things valuable to single young women that are not married so that when they are the other characteristics will apply as well. I would even say that they could use these as blueprints the attitude that will need to develop for their husbands who they plan on marrying. In the regular context courtship, however, remember that no one is married yet but are desiring marriage so certain things still apply up to a point with others following afterward. While this isn't the only passage dealing with the character of Christian men and women, it is all well-known used passage to describe what a man or woman should look like for another. Dealing with the men, our characteristics start in the first chapter dealing with the qualifications of elders, which are parallel to 1 Timothy 3.
So basically, young are to be wise, have a clear understanding of God's Word in both knowledge and discipline (this is what doctrine is, understanding the Christian faith from a Biblical perspective (not all Christian teaching is biblical doctrine) while good deeds are the demonstration of what was learned based on doctrine), and have respectable behavior and dialect and dialogue (essentially having comfortable acceptable speech) and have self-respect (dignified). The young women are to be lovers of their families, pure and wise also, and know how to care for their families at home (based on the passage alone). This will eventually mold them to be subject to their husbands in which all the rest of this will apply in marriage. Together, we can an interesting understanding of how young men and women are to act in a dating relationship. In another passage, that I'll briefly mention (this post is long enough already) in 1 Tim 5:1-2 Paul tells how he is to act towards the older men, younger men, and younger women and older women. The context starts in 1 Tim 4:11-5:6 when Paul tells Timothy to prescribe and teach these things. He then tells Timothy various things; we'll focus on him relating to the older men and women as well as the younger men and women. Basically: see the older men as fathers, younger (or same age) men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger (and same aged) women as sisters. There it is. That's how young men and women are to act in a dating relationship, giving the other passages as well as characteristics of both men and women in general. When you put this together with all the rest of Scripture, you have the whole counsel of God explaining the conduct of both men and women that can be used to help set boundaries in a dating relationship between them. As such, you can finally give a decent answer regarding kissing or holding hands and any physical contact whatsoever.
I said earlier that kissing was a matter of both control and conscience, based on the analyzed passages. In this passage, it may eliminate that option because you wouldn't kiss your sister or mother in the same manner you we are referring to in a dating relationship. The is true for the women, regarding the men being older or younger as fathers and brothers. But, look at the passage closely (in the English) and you'll notice Paul is telling Timothy how to relate to them. As this , as that... we call that similies in English language. Using like or as to describe something, like in this case, seeing someone as a sister as mothers. They are not sisters, but they are as sisters or as mothers do use in regards to relation. Other scriptures do in fact call all children of God sisters and brothers, so I will not rule out that factor, but keeping with the passage this is the most likely understanding. So, those who say "would you kiss your sister that way" would be right on hand, but on the other I hand I relate to my sister differently than I would my girlfriend. I wouldn't treat them differently, in a sense, but my affection towards my potential wife would very different from my sister and the same would be true for the woman.
What I am saying, in light of this, is that while we should treat each with respect in all relationships, naturally, they will be some affection that reveals more than just regular sisterhood or brotherhood in relation to the opposite sex. That doesn't mean, however, we can just express our feelings and affections to one another in any manner. It does mean, however, that your bf/gf will be special and you want to show them that you care in a special way and that might be kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc. The highest degree of expression is sex, but until two are married this isn't going to work. So, what are we allowed to do based on Scripture? Respect each other, treat other like family, use self-control when engaging any type of physical contact and remember to honor God with your body. This might mean refraining from kissing; for some, holding hands, or for others,all the above. Overall, its' about being wise, sensible, sensitive, respectful, and holy. Gee...that sounds like something we just went over? In the end, that's pretty much all we can do. It goes beyond holding hands and even kissing, but loving each other in such way that we respect each other and have those safety boundaries in place so that both parties will not sin against God; that is the real issue. If it will not cause you to stumble (creating a stumbling block is a sin) or lead you into temptation, then you have nothing to worry about. Otherwise, you shouldn't do it. I hope that helps and sorry for being so long. Any questions, I'd be glad to answer them. God bless!!!
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