What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (Full Version)

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redsgrl -> What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 12:29:33 PM)

Hello all,

I've been married for almost 6 1/2 years to a wonderful man of God. We have 2 children together, this is our first (and will be our only) marriage.

I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive, but it seems as if some of my extended family just do not really like my husband much. Should I care? Should it bother me?

I come from a pretty tight extended family... we have family get togethers a few times a year with all of the family. The cousins hang out, the aunts/uncles shoot the breeze, grandparents chat... etc.

Some of my family members say things about him, half-jokingly, that are rude or just disrespectful towards him (never when he's physically around). Being a Christian, I have always "turn the other cheek" because the comments are usually not directly attacking him and I don't want to be immature and respond emotionally. I have one cousin who flat out told me he doesn't like my husband -- though they do have a history from their teen years.

I try to think it though and look at where the comments might be coming from... for the most part, we are one of the only couples in the family that has stayed married this long (in the younger generation) and has had a successful, happy marriage. My husband treats me right, like a daughter of the most high... he shows his love for me in different ways. He's a great father... I'm submitted to my husband, as the bible says wives should be (I do have a mind of my own, though!).

How do I deal with this? Should I deal with this? Should I just continue to turn the other cheek? Let my husband deal with it, when and if, anyone ever has the guts to talk to his face the way they talk to me about him?

Just so bothered...

Thanks.



Szaftoo -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 1:38:23 PM)

Fortunately everyone in my family loves my husband. However, if they didn't, I would never tolerate anything negative said about him, even if they are joking. You need to communicate to your family that all unkind remarks about him hurt you deeply and you will no longer ignore it. If it's your family, it up to you to take care of it.



karlie -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 1:57:03 PM)

quote:

Some of my family members say things about him, half-jokingly, that are rude or just disrespectful towards him

The first thing I would do is go to those doing the talking and tell them if they have an issue with my husband then they need to deal with it like adults instead of talking behind his back and causing dissension in the family. They would be told in no uncertain terms to knock it off if they ever planned on seeing me or my children at family events. Period. There is no reason for such immaturity and I wouldn't be part of anything, even a family event, where my husband wasn't treated with acceptance and respect.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 2:05:09 PM)

quote:

The first thing I would do is go to those doing the talking and tell them if they have an issue with my husband then they need to deal with it like adults instead of talking behind his back and causing dissension in the family. They would be told in no uncertain terms to knock it off if they ever planned on seeing me or my children at family events. Period


I agree.

You can't "turn the other cheek" for him. That's a personal thing. You can do that when someone is attacking *you*, but when someone is attacking someone else (directly or indirectly) behind their back, you need to stand up against that.

Don't let anyone dis your husband.



Harvie -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 2:26:16 PM)

Personally, if I had family that didn't like my wonderful DH, I wouldn't socialize with them.



TorchHeart -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 2:51:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo

Fortunately everyone in my family loves my husband. However, if they didn't, I would never tolerate anything negative said about him, even if they are joking. You need to communicate to your family that all unkind remarks about him hurt you deeply and you will no longer ignore it. If it's your family, it up to you to take care of it.


I agree with this. Turning the other cheek is a good practice, but your husband is now part of YOUR family. The rest of the family should treat him with the same respect that they treat you, and you should make that clear to them. Its one thing for them to make a joke now and then, or to want to offer a little advice, but being out-right rude and disrespectful of someone shouldn't have to be tollerated, even if its behind his back. If they disrespect him, tell them that they are also disrespecting you and that it needs to stop.

Out of sheer curiosity, what exactly do they make fun of about him?



ChoirDJ -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 3:00:03 PM)

Gotta go along with the crowd on this one. I would consider scaling back time with the family if they continued this after you spoke with them. What is it about the hubby that makes him such a target? Is he of a different race or something like that or do you think they may just be jealous?



pbaribeault -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 4:13:05 PM)

If the comments are half-joking, then there are still a lot of choices that might work with less drama than the direct confrontation. Such as simply saying, maybe in a one-quarter joking kind of way, "Well, I don't think he's <whatever> and I live with him, so I think my opinion should stand." And then (if necessary) continue with, "It hurts my feelings when you say things like that about the man I love. Do we really need to address some concern you have, or could you maybe just knock it off?"



Galilee -> RE: What do you do when family doesn't like your spouse? (7/3/2008 7:20:54 PM)

The perfect place for one of my favorite stories to tell.

Background: My Dad was the type that 1) you didn't disobey him, 2) you didn't talk back to him, and 3) if you disagreed with him you were a "know-nothing" (his term).

Now, I live in Colorado, and he lived in Florida. Well, when Monica and I were getting married, he came up a few weeks early. This is the first time he had met her, or even spoken to her.

One day, while I was at work, the 2 of them talked about Science Fiction. Monica writes it, my Dad likes to read it. They discussed authors. My Dad mentioned one that he liked, and Monica said that she didn't care for his style of writing. Good writer, yes, but not for her.

My dad said nothing to her, but when I came home, I heard about it. He said that she was crazy, that this author has written and sold countless books, etc. He went on to say that he was a published author (all Textbook type stuff, not one ounce of creativity), and she (Monica) wasn't, and that she had no right to have an opinion, and said that she is a "wannabe writer", and until she gets published, she should keep her mouth shut.

Oh, Boy. That got me to stand up to him like I never had before. I wasn't angry, but I was definitely firm. I said "Okay, listen to me, and listen to me good, because I'm only going to say this once. Don't ever make me choose between Monica and you, because, if you do, Monica wins, every time."

I didn't know what to expect after that.

He then told me that I was ready to get married. He said if I was willing to tell him to go to Hades (he said the other word) for her, then I was ready. He said that he didn't like what I did, but I should always put my wife first.

That was 1993. He died 10 years later, and he halfway tried that once more during that time. He knew better.

That is what you have to do. You have to put your foot down and be clear that you will side with your husband every time, so they might as well just knock it off. I bet they will.



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