Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (Full Version)

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Prairiehiker -> Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/6/2008 3:05:09 PM)

The problem with happiness

You might find this article interesting. Some parts of it, especially the pursuit of marriage, is relevent to us singletons.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/6/2008 3:55:56 PM)

While I only skimmed it I found it interesting. I agree that many people get married just to be happy. It's so black and white for some people that they take the entire institution of marriage for granted. So if they are not happy, that's all the more reason to end it. Very sad indeed!

The question I think for any single to ponder is, "What does marriage mean to me?" I think that would answer the question, "What does happiness mean to me?" I think how we define happiness is a huge indicator on how we will deal with marriage. If a person simply defines happiness as positive bliss with good feelings all around, then you are pretty much setting yourself to failure.

To me, happiness is conquering all that life throws at you, whether good or bad. If you understand that happiness is being able to get through both the wonderful and challenging times in marriage by faith then your marriage will more than likely thrive.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/6/2008 11:14:45 PM)

I liked this very much and I agree. Happiness is definitely one of those things that cannot be attained by pursuing it.

Happiness is a by-product of our character and is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/6/2008 11:49:41 PM)

I really like it too. I have great respect for the author of the article. He's an apologist whose radio program I follow religiously.

As for the article itself, it was an eye opener for me. I was discussing this article with a friend today. We both agreed that our culture has totally defined the meaning of life as the pursuit of happiness and that as a culture, we're probably one of the most miserable. Just look at the number of counsellors, and psychologists around. We have so many personal problems. What do you think causes this? Could it be our selfish pursuit of happiness apart from God?



BugLady -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 12:18:23 AM)

Happiness is a journey not a destination.



LabGuy -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 12:28:38 AM)

Sadly I'm seeing an example of that view of marriage close at hand. I have a very good friend who is divorcing her husband of 30 years because she's not happy. Granted there were some real problems in the relationship, but that's what she keeps coming back to when talking about it. And she's actually said, "What's the point of keeping the vow if you're miserable? Just to say you stuck it out and kept it? That's stupid." I mean, what do you say to that?

Being married is not a magical ticket to happiness; it's just a different state of being. It does meet a number of God-given needs though, and that's a good thing. But it comes with a whole new set of challenges. What each of us has to decide is, are those challenges worth it? Speaking on a personal level, my answer would be an emphatic yes.

-Robb



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 1:52:33 AM)

quote:

"What's the point of keeping the vow if you're miserable? Just to say you stuck it out and kept it? That's stupid." I mean, what do you say to that?


You say, "The point of keeping those vows, even if you're miserable is that you made them before God, and God hates divorce, and also that you made those vows for better or for WORSE. Also, God does not call you to make sure your husband is what you want him to be, God calls you to first of all glorify him, and secondly, to be the best wife you can possibly be to him. Plus, if you have children, they need their parents married to each other."



David_D -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 7:26:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LabGuy

And she's actually said, "What's the point of keeping the vow if you're miserable? Just to say you stuck it out and kept it? That's stupid." I mean, what do you say to that?



As someone on the single side of marriage I'm not going to presume to lecture a person who's been there. I would say that there are good reasons for keeping the vow beyond being able to say you did it. For one, you made that vow in front of God and (presumably) a whole bunch of people. Now God already knows what you're going to do, but all those folks still believe you mean it when you make a promise. You keep it because you believe your integrity is worth more than whatever pain you're going through now. Second, if you have kids they are watching you to see how to treat a marriage. What do you want to tell them about it? Third, you keep it because you don't know what's just around the bend. What if you give up right before something wonderful? Finally, you keep it because this life is short and eternity is very long. You keep it because you believe God will honor that faithfulness when you meet Him.

Oh, and one more thing. The grass? Yeah it's still just as brown on this side of the fence.



LabGuy -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 10:58:43 AM)

Sorry, I should have clarified - my friend is not saved, and sadly has little interest in spiritual matters. (I keep planting seeds, or trying to anyway, but so far nothing has taken.) I fear bluntly making the point that God requires us to keep our vows could make matters worse (i.e. put it in her mind that following God means being miserable).

Add to this that before filing for divorce she tried counselling with an ostensibly Christian counselor, and when she was honest about her struggles was met with judgementalism and condemnation. Which just further alienated her from any consideration of God. [&o]

-Robb



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 11:29:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LabGuy
I mean, what do you say to that?


it won't change anyone's mind help but i've seen a few studies with results similiar to below:

A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.

source: Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000), p. 148.



John_O -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 2:17:21 PM)

"Instead, I would direct you to higher goals. Some things are more important than happiness, like faithfulness, and integrity and justice--that is, right conduct and right behavior, right living. I would hold that in the long run this right conduct will bring the most satisfaction, some may even say happiness. But it's certainly often not true in the short run."

Here's the meat of the article. Our problem is not the pursuit of happiness but the short term pursuit of happiness.

Short term thinking is almost always wrong. If you invest for the short term, whether in life or in the stock market, you are likely to lose. Invest for the long term and you win.



Bridgitt -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 2:35:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels

quote:

"What's the point of keeping the vow if you're miserable? Just to say you stuck it out and kept it? That's stupid." I mean, what do you say to that?


You say, "The point of keeping those vows, even if you're miserable is that you made them before God, and God hates divorce, and also that you made those vows for better or for WORSE. Also, God does not call you to make sure your husband is what you want him to be, God calls you to first of all glorify him, and secondly, to be the best wife you can possibly be to him. Plus, if you have children, they need their parents married to each other."


When the WORSE is abuse toward you and your children, divorce is the door to safety. I am divorced and I can say that I have never been so happy in my life and so are my children. I just wished I had done it earlier.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Marriage and the pursuit of happiness (7/7/2008 2:58:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bridgitt
When the WORSE is abuse toward you and your children, divorce is the door to safety. I am divorced and I can say that I have never been so happy in my life and so are my children. I just wished I had done it earlier.


separation is the door to safety ... one should get out of any abusive situation immediately for safety of themselves and children ... no need to wait for a divorce to become final!



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