Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (Full Version)

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mrsmatt323 -> Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/9/2008 4:39:05 PM)

My husband told me today that he isn't sure he wants to be married to me. I kept asking him if he loved me and if he was committed to me and he never answered. I asked if there was someone else and he said, that one women was enough. I asked him if I had done something and he said no, it's just that he is just struggling with how we are together.
I don't understand.
I don't know what to do.



Apparition -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/9/2008 4:44:44 PM)

Is your husband a Christian?
How long have you been married?



freakofnature -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/9/2008 4:53:29 PM)

quote:

My husband told me today that he isn't sure he wants to be married to me.


I am sorry that this is something you're both going through. I will be praying for you if that is okay. It is tough to sit here on a computer thousands of miles away from you and "diagnose" any problems that you and/or your husband may be going through at this point. I know that my first marriage split because, for one reason anyway, we were so young when we got married that after a while my ex, (and I suppose me as well) felt a little trapped like maybe we hadn't "Lived" our lives to the fullest and jumped into marriage. Well... she ended up finding another man and leaving but that is another thread. Dear Mrs. Matt... find a local Christian counselor for you both, if DH isn't willing to go, go anyway for you. This is a big statement for a man to make to his wife. Once again I'm sorry this has happened. Please seek counseling as soon as possible.

This isn't to say that there is something wrong with you by any means... so please also don't take it that way.



jdurham -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/9/2008 10:43:50 PM)

Souns like there is another issue that is eating at him and he using his marriage as somthing that may be causing what is eating at him. May give him some space and/or do somthing that he liked when you were dating.



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/10/2008 10:44:25 AM)

My husband was saved last summer.
We've been married for 3 months.
This isn't the first time he's said he isn't sure he wants to be married. He'll say he's sorry and that things will be ok and he loves me...but that only lasts for so long til he starts saying he isn't sure again.

Thank you for the prayers. Much appreciated.



allisonbrett -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/10/2008 11:19:35 AM)

You've only been married 3 months and he's already questioning his commitment? That is sad.
I'll be praying too.

I do have a few questions:
How old are you both?
Does he have a lot of single friends that he wants to hang out with?
Is he set in his chosen career field or is he trying to figure how who he is and what he wants to be?
Does he have goals or dreams that marriage complicates fulfilling?
Is he a Christian and did you both go through pre-marital counseling before you got married?

Could it be that he was unrealistic about what marriage is. Many people find that once the honeymoon period is over and life settles into a routine that marriage is then not as exciting. We then find marriage to be work and commitment. Not something we expect in the beginning of a marriage.

Is there someone you can both talk to about this? A pastor, counselor, mentor?



jaimestarcross -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/10/2008 5:41:57 PM)

I suggest some counseling - you've been married a short
period of time and he's questioning why he got married...
you both need help with this problem ASAP!



peterson8049 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/10/2008 6:41:26 PM)

Marriage is the most important part of the life. The real life of a person starts after marriage when responsibility towards his wife,children and parents arise. life means responsibility.

peterson8049
Credit Card Debt



TrustingGod -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/12/2008 1:33:08 PM)

Pray for him. Get counseling. Ask yourself honestly if there is something you can change about yourself - we all have annoying habits! Keep praying for him. Stay faithful to Jesus - allow Him to give your comfort and encouragement.



HappilyMarried -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/12/2008 11:06:45 PM)

I agree with everyone saying you need counseling. How long were you married before he said this the first time? I



dsegars -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/13/2008 11:46:45 AM)

Sounds like you both need counseling. Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been married for 22 years (both of us were Christians when we married) when you have problems early on in the marriage they do not go away. You need to deal with them now. It takes 2 people to commit to a marriage and a lack of commitment will crumble the foundations. This is an all or nothing proposition. Speaking from personal experience the key is your husband's heart. It is hard to understand the heart of another however, God can. Does your husband truely place God first in his life and seek God's will? If the answer to this question is yes--he is open to God's leading. If no-- he is fighting God and there is no way you can resolve his lack of commitment until he settles his own issues with God. Every situation is different and I hesitate to give advice which may not apply to you (especially with differing personalities etc.) however I can tell you from personal experience do not overlook or try to keep the peace just to make the marriage work. You may believe you are doing the right, Christian thing by not confronting him, but this didn't work for me. My husband gradually walked out of the marriage a tiny step at the time--involving himself in good things. If it helps I understand your pain and have heard similar stories from other Christian women. Stay in the Word and on your knees. It's the only advice that works for me. God is faithful.[sm=icon_smile_fish.gif]



Zhi -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/13/2008 7:49:59 PM)

Well, the fact that you haven't been married for very long may be telling...

He might still be dealing with getting used to being married. And, the problem with guys communicating is the fact that sometimes they don't really think about how what they're saying is going to sound to us women before they, well, blurt it out. If he's trying to figure out what his place in life is now that he's married to you, and wondering if maybe he should have waited longer, or trying to figure out the changes that have happened as a result, or if he did what he really should have, then that might come out like what you said he said.

Counselling would probably help, but some of it is probably just going to be getting used to being married and developing a proper female communication filter.



NotDoneYet -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/13/2008 10:11:33 PM)

I think he's a day late and a dollar short...he should have thought of that before he said "I do".

Tell him to grow up and grow a responsibility muscle or two.



carl54 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/14/2008 9:18:44 PM)

My heart aches for you. How old are the two of you? It is great to be married, but it takes a lot of work. It is a lot of responsibility, but it also brings a lot of fun things with it. Tell your husband to not let the "heavy" things get to him. Make it as easy as you can on each other and you will figure things out. Don't let the demands overwhelm you.

I remember having a discussion with my daughter a few months after she got married and she said, "marriage sucks". At that point what she was referring to was the fact that the responsibility could be so overwhelming. Well, having to take care of yourself and somebody else after being single and living care free for 23 years...marriage was a big change. Just take it easy and find fun things to do. And make sure you are taking care of each other's physical [:D] needs. Get some help there is that's a part of the problem.



evryknee -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/15/2008 7:35:56 AM)

Is he usually wishy-washy about making decisions or does he normally second-guess himself? Is his esteem usually low? Struggle with depression?



slushie -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/15/2008 1:36:05 PM)

How long did you know him before you guys got married? Was he hesitant to get married?



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/17/2008 8:07:28 AM)

I'm 25, he is 29.
He has a few single friends (men he hangs out with occasionally and women, as far as I know he justs texts, he doesn't tell me about, he keeps it a secret, always hides his cell phone from me when he gets a text from them)
He set in his career, been doing the same thing for 12 years and he's very good at it. Unfortunately with the economy he had to take a cut in pay.
Yes he is a Christian. We did pre-martial workbooks.

He's not wishy washy, he a very take charge person and likes to be in control. He won't start something he can't finish...our marriage seems to be the first thing he doesn't have a take charge attitude with.
He is very confident in himself - maybe a little too much.
Not struggling with depression.
We meet on match.com, we were match 100%. We both felt God speak to us and tell us this was the person we were to marry. He was more adamant about getting married then I was. I kept asking him if he was sure, and he would tell me that he know 100% without a doubt that I was the one for him and God saved his life (he was almost killed in a car accident four years ago) for me. He said he couldn't wait to marry me.

Ironic how he was so sure, and I was a little hesitant...roles are reserved now.



slushie -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/17/2008 9:00:57 AM)

Seeing as matters are like this, he should follow through about what he said - being so sure and all.



evryknee -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/17/2008 6:35:09 PM)

quote:

I asked him if I had done something and he said no, it's just that he is just struggling with how we are together.


What does that mean, "with how we are together"? How you got together? Does he feel like he jumped the gun in marriage because of the accident? Is marriage just not what is expected?



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/18/2008 4:03:03 PM)

He meant with how we "mesh" or how we connect together as a couple. He said he isn't sure he wants to be married because he doesn't feel the connection we used to have. Something is missing inside he said.



Miss_Prolixity -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/18/2008 7:12:42 PM)

Hello MrsMatt,

First I want to say how sorry I am that you're going through this.

Upon reading your posts, I started thinking that your husband has fallen for the "happily ever after" syndrome. When most people get together and start a relationship there's usually a spark and some excitement. Most people at this stage feel like they have found their soulmate. It's an euphoric feeling that brings forth enormous amounts of chemistry between the two people. Most people marry in this state of mind. What they don't realize is that these chemicals (dopamine and norepinephrine) don't last. Our brains only succumb to these chemicals for a few months to a year or so. And after the initial high wears off, people feel like they're falling out of love.

Our Western culture is so penetrated with this type of pseudo love that it's hard to see what God's love is like. Biblical love is nothing like what the secular world portrays love to be. If we followed Biblical love we would know it's kind, patient, non self-seeking, giving, etc. That's why it's so important to not base marriage on feelings and how "in love" we are. For feelings are fickle.

Secrecy and disrepect are also major complicators in a marriage. It's definitely disrespectful for a man (or woman) to text members of the opposite sex, especially when done in secrecy. With marriage there has to be trust -- without it you're cracking the foundation and there's not much to stand on.

I'd suggest putting some boundaries down. God called us to love and honor one another but that doesn't mean we idly sit by and enable the persons disobedience. I definitely recommend the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.

Again, I am truly sorry you're going through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.



carl54 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/19/2008 2:51:04 PM)

Your husband is a very confident person, but I think marriage may be putting him to the test. I think he may have found out that this is new territory for him and he isn't so much in control. He needs to understand that it will take years, many years for him to figure things out. In the meanwhile he needs to relax and just enjoy the ride. It isn't that tough if you take it day by day, communicate constantly, and make things fun for each other. Lighten the load for each other and serve the Lord. Things will work out alright.



twinkly -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/19/2008 8:44:21 PM)

He hides text messages and has single female friends?

I smell another woman.

Been there done that with my exhusband and I have pretty darn good radar. Mine said one woman was enough as well and then moved out and moved in with the other woman.

I'd start setting some boundaries and making that phone of his an open book. IF you both have phones on the account, check the bill online and see who he is talking to and what these texts say...

Sorry you are going through this.



ConstantReader -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/19/2008 11:37:26 PM)

Although I've never been married, hiding his cell phone from you (and God knows what else), I definitely smell a cheater. [:@] He knows (you both do) that there are to be no secrets in a marriage.

IMNSHO, you need to confront him about this. It's not going to get better by not talking about it. Depending on his reaction (if you put this question to him), you two should do counseling IMO.



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/20/2008 9:38:50 PM)

I asked him about hiding his cell phone and he said he doesn't remember why he did it. He said his female friends will text him every once in a while to say hi and see how things are. So ok, if it's that innocent why did he back behind me to look at a text he received? He didn't have an answer for me. I know he's lying. I don't think he's cheating though, he comes to me every night after work (he's done at 5) and we are always together when we aren't working...even on our days off. So if he's cheating it's emotional cheating for now. He won't give up his female friends and he won't stop talking to them either.
I don't understand what happened to my husband. He used to be so into God, so loving, so attentative and he adored me. Now it's like I'm on old washed up woman he wants nothing to do with and he just keeps lying to.



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